Problem Child
titleless
- Joined
- Feb 21, 2001
- Posts
- 27,935
Location: Acme Bonehead Inc., regional manufacturing facility, Dallas, Georgia.
Inside the main production room, our intrepid reporter interviews Clem Snodgrass, production manager for ABI.
*the sound of blasts of steam and clanking machinery fill the air inside the plant*
reporter: "Well Mr. Snodgrass.."
Clem Snodgrass: "Call me Clem, please."
reporter: "Clem, not many people know that some of the highest quality boneheads come from right here in Georgia. Could you explain a little about what you do here at ABI for us?"
Clem: Well... *spits tobacco juice into a Folger's can on the floor* ...it's like this here. See, they's a real demand for boneheads, and ABI recognized that way back in the 1870's. See, after the war for southern independance, most of our boneheads got killed off, along with a darn big chunk a the Yankee boneheads. Well sir, down here, we just din't have no industry after the war, so our founders decided we'd make our own boneheads and create some jobs for the people down here.
reporter: "That's interesting Clem, but maybe you could tell me...what is the purpose of the bonehead?
Clem: "Well sir...*spits* ...close as ah kin figger, a bonehead ain't got no purpose cept fer entertainment. And Lordy, we sure needed some entertainment after Sherman's march, thet's fer sure. But, beyond that, I don't rightly know. Mebbe ta make the normal folks look better, that could be one reason. All ah know is we've always had boneheads, and we just seem ta need 'em around, ya know?"
reporter: "Well, that certainly seems reasonable. Tell us a little about the types of boneheads you make here and at your other facilities."
Clem: "Well sir...our main emphasis here in this plant used to be the Brian4ever model. We did some a that....what's it called? Oh yeah, market research, and found out that the B4E, that's what we called it, the B4E model was just a good bonehead, without any redeeming qualities, like any intelligence, or humor. See, a good bonehead has to be unpopular, and boring as hell."
reporter: "Yes, go on..."
Clem: "See, there's one thing about boneheads...once we make em, we don't have no control over, em, and they can do what they want. Well, folks disliked the B4E so much that he went and changed his name, tryin to recreate hisself, sorta."
reporter: "And what did he try and become?"
Clem (leans in close to the reporter and whispers): Well sir...now he's callin' hisself Hawks_titansfan."
reporter: "Golly, that's a mouthfull!"
Clem: "Yeah, it's a bit much, but hey, as long as he's a quality bonehead, we don't care iffin' he want ta call hisself Mary fuckin' poppins!
See, what most folks don't realize is that makin' boneheads is more of an art than a science. Some boneheads can be really nasty and folks still sort of take a shine to em. The best thing is a boring bonehead. That's death. Boring, stupid and nasty makes a great bonehead. Throw in bad spelling and you got a real loser."
reporter: "That sounds like a winning recipe Clem. Say, I've heard you folks have had some real deusies in the past though, right?"
Clem: "Why, yessir, we have."
reporter: "Tell us about some of your past successes, why don't you?"
Clem: "Well sir..there was the HKBJ model. That one there was a good model. Very whiny, and even had occasional suicide threats thrown in. He caused a tizzy, I'll tell ya. Then there were some other models we had, like the Yayati, the Kidrock."
reporter: "Were those as successful as the HKBJ?"
Clem: Oh yessir, and then some. The yayati model drove folks nuts. We were quite proud of that one, and everyone hated the Kidrock...one of our most-loathed boneheads. Them were both severely hated."
reporter: You even have an overseas facility I am told. What goes on there?"
Clem: "Yessir, we're goin global with our ppman model, and we shore are proud a him!"
reporter: "Tell me about that."
Clem: "The ppman is what the engineers call a "strict-focus" bonehead. What that means is that there type a bonehead concentrates on only one subject, with minor tangents thrown in."
reporter: "I think I understand, but what is the ppman bonehead programmed to do?"
Clem: "Well sir, it's so simple, it's pert-near genius! All he does is bash America!"
reporter: "All the time...nothing else?"
Clem: "I told you it were genius, din't I? Yup, that's it, just bash America, seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day. He never stops. I've seen him in action and he's incredible."
reporter: "Good Lord, that sounds irritating as hell!"
Clem: "You ain't a-shittin'. That boy can drive normal folks crazy. I gotta give it ta them English, they shore know how ta buid a bonehead....I think this will be our least popular model ever."
Inside the main production room, our intrepid reporter interviews Clem Snodgrass, production manager for ABI.
*the sound of blasts of steam and clanking machinery fill the air inside the plant*
reporter: "Well Mr. Snodgrass.."
Clem Snodgrass: "Call me Clem, please."
reporter: "Clem, not many people know that some of the highest quality boneheads come from right here in Georgia. Could you explain a little about what you do here at ABI for us?"
Clem: Well... *spits tobacco juice into a Folger's can on the floor* ...it's like this here. See, they's a real demand for boneheads, and ABI recognized that way back in the 1870's. See, after the war for southern independance, most of our boneheads got killed off, along with a darn big chunk a the Yankee boneheads. Well sir, down here, we just din't have no industry after the war, so our founders decided we'd make our own boneheads and create some jobs for the people down here.
reporter: "That's interesting Clem, but maybe you could tell me...what is the purpose of the bonehead?
Clem: "Well sir...*spits* ...close as ah kin figger, a bonehead ain't got no purpose cept fer entertainment. And Lordy, we sure needed some entertainment after Sherman's march, thet's fer sure. But, beyond that, I don't rightly know. Mebbe ta make the normal folks look better, that could be one reason. All ah know is we've always had boneheads, and we just seem ta need 'em around, ya know?"
reporter: "Well, that certainly seems reasonable. Tell us a little about the types of boneheads you make here and at your other facilities."
Clem: "Well sir...our main emphasis here in this plant used to be the Brian4ever model. We did some a that....what's it called? Oh yeah, market research, and found out that the B4E, that's what we called it, the B4E model was just a good bonehead, without any redeeming qualities, like any intelligence, or humor. See, a good bonehead has to be unpopular, and boring as hell."
reporter: "Yes, go on..."
Clem: "See, there's one thing about boneheads...once we make em, we don't have no control over, em, and they can do what they want. Well, folks disliked the B4E so much that he went and changed his name, tryin to recreate hisself, sorta."
reporter: "And what did he try and become?"
Clem (leans in close to the reporter and whispers): Well sir...now he's callin' hisself Hawks_titansfan."
reporter: "Golly, that's a mouthfull!"
Clem: "Yeah, it's a bit much, but hey, as long as he's a quality bonehead, we don't care iffin' he want ta call hisself Mary fuckin' poppins!
See, what most folks don't realize is that makin' boneheads is more of an art than a science. Some boneheads can be really nasty and folks still sort of take a shine to em. The best thing is a boring bonehead. That's death. Boring, stupid and nasty makes a great bonehead. Throw in bad spelling and you got a real loser."
reporter: "That sounds like a winning recipe Clem. Say, I've heard you folks have had some real deusies in the past though, right?"
Clem: "Why, yessir, we have."
reporter: "Tell us about some of your past successes, why don't you?"
Clem: "Well sir..there was the HKBJ model. That one there was a good model. Very whiny, and even had occasional suicide threats thrown in. He caused a tizzy, I'll tell ya. Then there were some other models we had, like the Yayati, the Kidrock."
reporter: "Were those as successful as the HKBJ?"
Clem: Oh yessir, and then some. The yayati model drove folks nuts. We were quite proud of that one, and everyone hated the Kidrock...one of our most-loathed boneheads. Them were both severely hated."
reporter: You even have an overseas facility I am told. What goes on there?"
Clem: "Yessir, we're goin global with our ppman model, and we shore are proud a him!"
reporter: "Tell me about that."
Clem: "The ppman is what the engineers call a "strict-focus" bonehead. What that means is that there type a bonehead concentrates on only one subject, with minor tangents thrown in."
reporter: "I think I understand, but what is the ppman bonehead programmed to do?"
Clem: "Well sir, it's so simple, it's pert-near genius! All he does is bash America!"
reporter: "All the time...nothing else?"
Clem: "I told you it were genius, din't I? Yup, that's it, just bash America, seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day. He never stops. I've seen him in action and he's incredible."
reporter: "Good Lord, that sounds irritating as hell!"
Clem: "You ain't a-shittin'. That boy can drive normal folks crazy. I gotta give it ta them English, they shore know how ta buid a bonehead....I think this will be our least popular model ever."
