When to call it a day?

[blulilacgrl]

So there are quite a few threads dedicated to ghosting and limits, but what about relationships that just aren't doing it for you anymore? Not one that breaks one of your limits or where the other person just disappears.

What does it take beyond that that would make you walk away?
How do you know when it just isn't working and isn't worth saving?
And how do you do it? Do you send a Dear John text or just quietly phase them out or do you have some other technique?

 

[TheOriginalSA]

So there are quite a few threads dedicated to ghosting and limits, but what about relationships that just aren't doing it for you anymore? Not one that breaks one of your limits or where the other person just disappears.

What does it take beyond that that would make you walk away?
How do you know when it just isn't working and isn't worth saving?
And how do you do it? Do you send a Dear John text or just quietly phase them out or do you have some other technique?

When someone isn't investing as much, as I'm investing in her. If this continues, I'll message less and we'll eventually phase out. Sometimes I'll talk to them about her, give her space and we will never speak again

 

[blulilacgrl]

When someone isn't investing as much, as I'm investing in her. If this continues, I'll message less and we'll eventually phase out. Sometimes I'll talk to them about her, give her space and we will never speak again

Ahh...so the gradual fade out. Okay. But now what constitutes as "not investing as much"?

 

[TheOriginalSA]

Ahh...so the gradual fade out. Okay. But now what constitutes as "not investing as much"?

They aren't always replying to my messages and I always have to make the effort for every conversation.


They aren't sharing any pertinent information, for me to get to know her.


Not sharing any pictures, after I showed plenty

Or just no progression in the relationship

 

[filt]

Personally, if it’s not working for me I will just say that the time is up. At the end of the day, the person at the other end has feelings and might have questions so face the music and let them move along. If they really won’t leave you have a choice to make about where you go from there but, for me, the other person has a right move on too.

Normally, these things typically just fizzle out though.

 

[Chillygirl]

They aren't always replying to my messages and I always have to make the effort for every conversation.


They aren't sharing any pertinent information, for me to get to know her.


Not sharing any pictures, after I showed plenty

Or just no progression in the relationship

This...but I send a message saying things just aren’t working for me.

 

[mickyp123]

Ahh...so the gradual fade out. Okay. But now what constitutes as "not investing as much"?

I think if there is no chemistry the relationship will weaken, no point in spending time on flowers that will not grow, also on lit if the only interest is sex it will not last either.

 

[blulilacgrl]

They aren't always replying to my messages and I always have to make the effort for every conversation.


They aren't sharing any pertinent information, for me to get to know her.


Not sharing any pictures, after I showed plenty

Or just no progression in the relationship

I think the one reason that stuck out to me is the no effort part. I hate to seem like I keep track but yeah after a while, if I'm the only constantly initiating contact or the messages that I am getting are kind of deadenders, I will grow bored and move along.

Personally, if it’s not working for me I will just say that the time is up. At the end of the day, the person at the other end has feelings and might have questions so face the music and let them move along. If they really won’t leave you have a choice to make about where you go from there but, for me, the other person has a right move on too.

Normally, these things typically just fizzle out though.

So what does "not working for you" look like?

 

[KimGordon67]

So there are quite a few threads dedicated to ghosting and limits, but what about relationships that just aren't doing it for you anymore? Not one that breaks one of your limits or where the other person just disappears.

What does it take beyond that that would make you walk away?
How do you know when it just isn't working and isn't worth saving?
And how do you do it? Do you send a Dear John text or just quietly phase them out or do you have some other technique?

I try to be up front, because I personally hate not knowing what's going on, so I assume other people do as well. No one likes having to say 'I'm not really interested any more', but it just has to be done sometimes.

Having said that, I have one thing going on at the moment that's puzzling me ... I don't really want to finish it, but I also don't really look forward to seeing him. (It's always been super casual, and we're also at a distance, and actually we haven't seen each other since September for various reasons.) I think I'm probably going to make an effort to spend a weekend with him early March, which is literally when I next have a free weekend, and if I still feel a bit 'meh' about it all, I'll just say something then.

 

[blulilacgrl]

This...but I send a message saying things just aren’t working for me.

That sounds fair. Do you ever get pushback when you send the message?

I think if there is no chemistry the relationship will weaken, no point in spending time on flowers that will not grow, also on lit if the only interest is sex it will not last either.

So given this is Lit and I would think a majority of "relationships" start as primarily about sex, when do you know that it's not going beyond that?

 

[blulilacgrl]

I try to be up front, because I personally hate not knowing what's going on, so I assume other people do as well. No one likes having to say 'I'm not really interested any more', but it just has to be done sometimes.

Having said that, I have one thing going on at the moment that's puzzling me ... I don't really want to finish it, but I also don't really look forward to seeing him. (It's always been super casual, and we're also at a distance, and actually we haven't seen each other since September for various reasons.) I think I'm probably going to make an effort to spend a weekend with him early March, which is literally when I next have a free weekend, and if I still feel a bit 'meh' about it all, I'll just say something then.

So why don't you want to finish it or look forward to seeing him?

 

[KimGordon67]

So why don't you want to finish it or look forward to seeing him?

I don't really know why I don't look forward to seeing him, which is probably why I'm not finishing it, because I can't really pinpoint a specific reason for ending it.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I don't really know why I don't look forward to seeing him, which is probably why I'm not finishing it, because I can't really pinpoint a specific reason for ending it.

So when you hit that "meh" stage, do you give it a time limit to see if your feelings change or do you act on it fairly quickly? Have you ever had the "meh" but then have feelings reemerge at a later date?

 

[Chillygirl]

That sounds fair. Do you ever get pushback when you send the message?

Most times they feel the same and it seems we’re both relieved. A couple times it got ugly...they didn’t agree and got angry so I ended up blocking them.

 

[mickyp123]

That sounds fair. Do you ever get pushback when you send the message?




So given this is Lit and I would think a majority of "relationships" start as primarily about sex, when do you know that it's not going beyond that?

Quite quickly, I think if you can flit between RL crap, the days news and utter filth in one sentence you have a keeper.

 

[KimGordon67]

So when you hit that "meh" stage, do you give it a time limit to see if your feelings change or do you act on it fairly quickly? Have you ever had the "meh" but then have feelings reemerge at a later date?

I was married for 20 years, and we separated 2.5 years ago, so the whole situation is still relatively new to me.

I am aware that the 'meh' feeling might be related to other things that were going on in my life at the time, which is why I'll see him again when I can. If it's all fun and games then, then yay. But if not, then it's definitely time to just finish it.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Most times they feel the same and it seems we’re both relieved. A couple times it got ugly...they didn’t agree and got angry so I ended up blocking them.

Ouch! Do those bad experiences make you more apprehensive to give a dear John kind of message? Or have you figured out warning signs that tell you it won't end well?

 

[KimGordon67]

Most times they feel the same and it seems we’re both relieved. A couple times it got ugly...they didn’t agree and got angry so I ended up blocking them.

That's just annoying, isn't it - like they think getting pissy is going to make you change your mind.

 

[blulilacgrl]

That's just annoying, isn't it - like they think getting pissy is going to make you change your mind.

I admit I'm on the fence with this one. On the one hand I would want to know if what is causing the issue is something that can be resolved or maybe something I am unaware that I am doing. But at the same time, I feel like if their response is just to end it then why even bother finding out why? But definitely getting pissy isn't the answer. Lol

 

[KimGordon67]

I admit I'm on the fence with this one. On the one hand I would want to know if what is causing the issue is something that can be resolved or maybe something I am unaware that I am doing. But at the same time, I feel like if their response is just to end it then why even bother finding out why? But definitely getting pissy isn't the answer. Lol

I think seeing if something can be resolved depends a lot on the nature of the thing. Obviously, if it's serious, it's maybe worth trying to sort things out. But if it's just a casual hooking up when you can sort of thing, and you're just not feeling it any more, that probably doesn't really warrant a whole lot of dissection.

Usually when I'm the dumpee, I pretty much understand why I'm being dumped. If I still feel something for them, I try to be an adult and understand the they obviously don't feel the same way, but also let them know that if they change their mind at some point, I'm open to hearing from them ... because getting pissy seldom has a favourable outcome.

 

[TheOriginalSA]

This...but I send a message saying things just aren’t working for me.

This is very fair

I think the one reason that stuck out to me is the no effort part. I hate to seem like I keep track but yeah after a while, if I'm the only constantly initiating contact or the messages that I am getting are kind of deadenders, I will grow bored and move along.

I understand why it happens to me, as of late. I don't want someone new in a SEXUAL manner, so I can't offer that something extra. Now I just like conversation and hopefully friendship, if things go well. In the past these examples I used has happened, but for the most part I have gotten to speak to the ladies I have been interested in

That sounds fair. Do you ever get pushback when you send the message?

I know this question wasn't for me, but I am thinking of a similar situation. When I am no longer able to give the sexual with someone, I usually tell them and sometimes offer friendship. I have received pushback many times, lots of questions and sometimes resentment.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I don’t like to PM. If I want to be your friend, or I feel a friendship budding, I will ask to move to Skype.
If they don’t want to, or exchange pics or voice, or I have to pry for details of their life, I pretty much just tel them that this isn’t going anywhere. I’ll still be friendly, but we aren’t friends.
I want real.

" ...I have to pry for details of their life.."

Oh I feel this one! I try to be understanding of anonymity due to crazies on the internet but I think after a while I begin to realize that while I may have been conversing with someone for a long time and I still don't know anything substantial about them, yeah I begin to think of calling it a day.

I think seeing if something can be resolved depends a lot on the nature of the thing. Obviously, if it's serious, it's maybe worth trying to sort things out. But if it's just a casual hooking up when you can sort of thing, and you're just not feeling it any more, that probably doesn't really warrant a whole lot of dissection.

Usually when I'm the dumpee, I pretty much understand why I'm being dumped. If I still feel something for them, I try to be an adult and understand the they obviously don't feel the same way, but also let them know that if they change their mind at some point, I'm open to hearing from them ... because getting pissy seldom has a favourable outcome.

But then if it's serious, shouldn't they look to resolve it? Just my thinking but if someone wants to call it and not even discuss ways to save the relationship, then the relationship must not mean as much to them. Or am I overthinking it?

And you are nicer than I am! Lol. I can think of only one time when I've allowed someone to change their mind.

This is very fair



I understand why it happens to me, as of late. I don't want someone new in a SEXUAL manner, so I can't offer that something extra. Now I just like conversation and hopefully friendship, if things go well. In the past these examples I used has happened, but for the most part I have gotten to speak to the ladies I have been interested in



I know this question wasn't for me, but I am thinking of a similar situation. When I am no longer able to give the sexual with someone, I usually tell them and sometimes offer friendship. I have received pushback many times, lots of questions and sometimes resentment.

What would make you unable to "give the sexual"? If that's not too personal to ask.

 

[blulilacgrl]

And if it fades, it fades.
I have ghosted a few people in my past, and been ghosted as well. It sucks, but what I’ve realized is that when you ghost it’s mostly about your own situation and not the other person.

I kinda get that idea. Although I like to think that when I am in the middle of a bad situation, I give a heads up to anyone I'm being serious with. Not that I've been serious with anyone in a long long looooong time but I like to think I did.

 

[missyunderstanding]

The source of the problem

From reading some of this thread I think that the source of the problem comes from ones thinking of this as a wise place to make new friends and establish relationships.

That could happen but for the most part if a person is unable to find meaningful relationships in their real life then looking here is a mistake. Again, it could happen but for the most part this and other internet location are not the best place to make new friends. It servers other purposes perhaps but not a good place for lonely hearts to mend.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I have meaningful friendships in the flesh and those that I’ve met here. 2 female Litsers have stayed at my house, one I visit all the time, and others we exchange gifts at holidays and voice daily.
Plus, my guy, who I met here and he moved across the country for me.

So. Maybe you’re just hanging out with the wrong people.

Same! Although I will say that of the people that I have created meaningful relationships with, they have moved beyond Lit into my everyday life.