lovecraft68
Bad Doggie
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2009
- Posts
- 45,202
Rambling post disclaimer...
This is my 15th year here, and I meant to do some type of retrospective post on my time here back in May, my actual anniversary. But my wife's health issues have been my main focus and now-after another week in the hospital, but them actually doing something this time, she's better than she has been in months so time to clean some things up.
I'll preface the following by saying that I am not claiming I've typed my last word or written my last story. Once you got the bug, the bug has you. But there's a difference in the need to write and what drives you to do so. Which is the main point of this.
Understand I am highly-borderline obsessively- competitive. I don't know how to do anything for fun. I get into something then I am all in and no matter what I achieve, there's always something I feel I didn't. I have said many times here, when most people type the end, they take some satisfaction in it-as they should-but for me the end was instantly followed by what's next? I began writing for my wife, my original stories based on characters we created for role play. She convinced me to take it up a notch and try posting here.
That one story led to me attempting a long complicated and dark taboo series. My goal was finish it, then that's that. But I did a couple stories in between that faired well, then when I finished the series...well, what was next? Contests...they have contests. Okay, I'll write for them until I win one then...I won one and...what else? Top fav list? How many favs do I need to get on it. I get on it...how high can I go. Oh, people think I just write taboo? Okay, let's write in some other categories and see where that goes...
Then...why keep giving it away? Let's test the selling market out! I just published my 221st e-book early last month. You're getting the point, I'd set goals, the extend them, go for more, the next thing.
But what happens when there is no more next thing?
A couple days ago one of my stories moved into #6 all time on the fav list. It will not go any higher. The story ahead of me is close to 2k over me and a very popular story, same for those above it. I've maxed out there. I'm the number two most followed author-nice trick being I have less than half the stories of #3 and 25% of #1, but I certainly am not catching number one whose numbers are insane. Could I get higher if I posted more stories? total, sure, but not exceeding my current place, and since 2016 I've only posted a couple dozen stories since my focus is more on selling.
So...maxed out there.
I've placed in ten contests, including an annual and a monthly, and placed in 5 categories. Could I place in another? Maybe, but the goal was 10 and not to sound arrogant, but as of now my plan is to not enter anymore. I've had my time, let some new folks get in there.
I had a long time friend here poking fun at me that "well you've never had a number one all time story at least not for more than a couple of months. Fine, hold my beer, I've had the #1 all time taboo story for most of the last year. When it came to selling, I discovered through Mark Coker from Smashwords I'm one of the top three erotica sellers on that site and my name mentioned in several sales e-mails as "look who is participating!" there are thousands of authors there, so its a hell of a compliment.
Going into this year I'd never entered any author created challenges-other than one I created back in 2014-so this year I entered Blackrandl1958 invite only wicked games, heyalls on the job and still stunned what I wrote and why.
But something else I realized is I always had a couple of bucket list stories. The story you always had in your mind, but for some reason kept putting it off. Too much work, too complicated, not time yet, whatever the reason. This year I wrote the mom son series I'd been considering for some time. I also wrote my taboo version of "The Purge" last month, an idea I've had for years but never committed to. I'm working on the last of those "got to do this some day' ideas now and hope to finish soon.
What I'm saying is, there is no next. Especially on here.
But now a confession. Many things I've accomplished here have been in the vein of a flat out fuck you. Not to say I don't enjoy writing and had fun, but there had to be a further push for me, and that was a variety of little vendettas. Proving people wrong, topping them in categories, in top lists, in contests. My stories exceeding theirs-at least statistically, everything else is subjective. Now some of this wasn't done in the sense I really didn't like the person, maybe it was just them thinking they were all that in a certain category or aspect, and I never wrote anyone into a story, it was always just "Yeah, how do you like me now." even though they had no idea, but I did and that's what mattered.
I placed in four contests in a row-that I entered-and all with sibling stories because someone here acts like they wrote the book on them. One of them became that number one all-time story. This post might tell people who that is, or maybe not, doesn't matter. Point is when I get tired of seeing people talk it, I walk it.
12 years ago-and few here will remember this, and there's only one person left that was involved-that I'm aware of-there was a cute little game played to try to get me to walk away from here. Nice screw job in a contest, and even with a funny little "I've never seen any story do this well and not win" PM but if got knocked out last minute to a story not even in the top 10 come sweep day. Created a lot of backlash in that thread, a few people even quit entering contests after that.
I admit I was contemplating leaving. I'd done what I wanted to, up to that time. Then I got an e-mail from someone, a very unpopular person on the boards, one of the bogeymen everything was blamed on. Pointed out a lot of things that happened to me, and many others in the past and present and a list of things to always watch for. I didn't care for that person, but damn did they have it all nailed.
Game on.
In the time since I accomplished everything I mentioned and surpassed that group in every way. They wanted me out, I not only stayed but continued to rise through lists, win awards, and always, always called BS here. I exposed and weathered the infamous Cabin. They were going to take over the site, win all the contests, dominate in every way, and too many here just wanted to act like it wasn't happening. I-and TX Rad and Keith under his former name, dug in, and they all left, most no longer write here at all, and only one sells anything-because they were going to dominate the money erotica market as well. All gone, all irrelevant.
As the saying goes I'm still here. Troll attacks, surviving years in the General board until I got tired of it, rubbing the LW incels noses in their own shit. I never caved, never ran, and never quit.
But now? I'm older, the last few years have seen a lot of death and grief and pain in my personal life. I'm tired in general, and I no longer see any reason to keep up this personal crusade to tell the jackals don't hate me cause you ain't me.
There's a line in the song Broken by Seether 'There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight' I'm in my fifties and been taught a lot by life, but there's always more to learn, and one of those things is to know when to let the dog hunt, and not see everything as an insult or a challenge. Sometimes we can just enjoy something for what it is.
But to put to rest that crazy mad dog mentality-and I am like this with everything-comes a cost, and that cost is I'm not the same writer. Again, I'm not calling it a day, not even here, as I'm sure at some point I'll drop a story here and there to make the readers who got me where I am happy, but there's no urgency, no have to, no what's next and no more of the "Listen, loser, stop whining and get to work."
I'll finish by saying part of me doesn't like the tone of this post in the sense it sounds arrogant, and I'm really not that type. I compete as much with myself as anyone else, but end of the day, there is nothing wrong with being proud of what you've accomplished in any aspect of life. If I never post another story here I've left what I think is a solid legacy here on story side, and also on the boards-although a more polarizing one I'm sure-I also know I'm showing some pettiness here as motivation, but I'm being honest and what works? Then ride or die with that.
This isn't a "I'm leaving' post, just something I've wanted to say, so for those who made it through, thanks for 'listening' and to many here past and present, thank you for what I've learned, and the support.
To my detractors-most of whom are no longer here- Thanks for the inspiration, and never forget this line from HP Lovecraft in the Case of Charles Dexter Ward. "Do not summon what you cannot put down."
If anyone here is put off by this? Then come get me, and I mean that in the best of ways. I showed up and showed out, now its your turn.
This is my 15th year here, and I meant to do some type of retrospective post on my time here back in May, my actual anniversary. But my wife's health issues have been my main focus and now-after another week in the hospital, but them actually doing something this time, she's better than she has been in months so time to clean some things up.
I'll preface the following by saying that I am not claiming I've typed my last word or written my last story. Once you got the bug, the bug has you. But there's a difference in the need to write and what drives you to do so. Which is the main point of this.
Understand I am highly-borderline obsessively- competitive. I don't know how to do anything for fun. I get into something then I am all in and no matter what I achieve, there's always something I feel I didn't. I have said many times here, when most people type the end, they take some satisfaction in it-as they should-but for me the end was instantly followed by what's next? I began writing for my wife, my original stories based on characters we created for role play. She convinced me to take it up a notch and try posting here.
That one story led to me attempting a long complicated and dark taboo series. My goal was finish it, then that's that. But I did a couple stories in between that faired well, then when I finished the series...well, what was next? Contests...they have contests. Okay, I'll write for them until I win one then...I won one and...what else? Top fav list? How many favs do I need to get on it. I get on it...how high can I go. Oh, people think I just write taboo? Okay, let's write in some other categories and see where that goes...
Then...why keep giving it away? Let's test the selling market out! I just published my 221st e-book early last month. You're getting the point, I'd set goals, the extend them, go for more, the next thing.
But what happens when there is no more next thing?
A couple days ago one of my stories moved into #6 all time on the fav list. It will not go any higher. The story ahead of me is close to 2k over me and a very popular story, same for those above it. I've maxed out there. I'm the number two most followed author-nice trick being I have less than half the stories of #3 and 25% of #1, but I certainly am not catching number one whose numbers are insane. Could I get higher if I posted more stories? total, sure, but not exceeding my current place, and since 2016 I've only posted a couple dozen stories since my focus is more on selling.
So...maxed out there.
I've placed in ten contests, including an annual and a monthly, and placed in 5 categories. Could I place in another? Maybe, but the goal was 10 and not to sound arrogant, but as of now my plan is to not enter anymore. I've had my time, let some new folks get in there.
I had a long time friend here poking fun at me that "well you've never had a number one all time story at least not for more than a couple of months. Fine, hold my beer, I've had the #1 all time taboo story for most of the last year. When it came to selling, I discovered through Mark Coker from Smashwords I'm one of the top three erotica sellers on that site and my name mentioned in several sales e-mails as "look who is participating!" there are thousands of authors there, so its a hell of a compliment.
Going into this year I'd never entered any author created challenges-other than one I created back in 2014-so this year I entered Blackrandl1958 invite only wicked games, heyalls on the job and still stunned what I wrote and why.
But something else I realized is I always had a couple of bucket list stories. The story you always had in your mind, but for some reason kept putting it off. Too much work, too complicated, not time yet, whatever the reason. This year I wrote the mom son series I'd been considering for some time. I also wrote my taboo version of "The Purge" last month, an idea I've had for years but never committed to. I'm working on the last of those "got to do this some day' ideas now and hope to finish soon.
What I'm saying is, there is no next. Especially on here.
But now a confession. Many things I've accomplished here have been in the vein of a flat out fuck you. Not to say I don't enjoy writing and had fun, but there had to be a further push for me, and that was a variety of little vendettas. Proving people wrong, topping them in categories, in top lists, in contests. My stories exceeding theirs-at least statistically, everything else is subjective. Now some of this wasn't done in the sense I really didn't like the person, maybe it was just them thinking they were all that in a certain category or aspect, and I never wrote anyone into a story, it was always just "Yeah, how do you like me now." even though they had no idea, but I did and that's what mattered.
I placed in four contests in a row-that I entered-and all with sibling stories because someone here acts like they wrote the book on them. One of them became that number one all-time story. This post might tell people who that is, or maybe not, doesn't matter. Point is when I get tired of seeing people talk it, I walk it.
12 years ago-and few here will remember this, and there's only one person left that was involved-that I'm aware of-there was a cute little game played to try to get me to walk away from here. Nice screw job in a contest, and even with a funny little "I've never seen any story do this well and not win" PM but if got knocked out last minute to a story not even in the top 10 come sweep day. Created a lot of backlash in that thread, a few people even quit entering contests after that.
I admit I was contemplating leaving. I'd done what I wanted to, up to that time. Then I got an e-mail from someone, a very unpopular person on the boards, one of the bogeymen everything was blamed on. Pointed out a lot of things that happened to me, and many others in the past and present and a list of things to always watch for. I didn't care for that person, but damn did they have it all nailed.
Game on.
In the time since I accomplished everything I mentioned and surpassed that group in every way. They wanted me out, I not only stayed but continued to rise through lists, win awards, and always, always called BS here. I exposed and weathered the infamous Cabin. They were going to take over the site, win all the contests, dominate in every way, and too many here just wanted to act like it wasn't happening. I-and TX Rad and Keith under his former name, dug in, and they all left, most no longer write here at all, and only one sells anything-because they were going to dominate the money erotica market as well. All gone, all irrelevant.
As the saying goes I'm still here. Troll attacks, surviving years in the General board until I got tired of it, rubbing the LW incels noses in their own shit. I never caved, never ran, and never quit.
But now? I'm older, the last few years have seen a lot of death and grief and pain in my personal life. I'm tired in general, and I no longer see any reason to keep up this personal crusade to tell the jackals don't hate me cause you ain't me.
There's a line in the song Broken by Seether 'There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight' I'm in my fifties and been taught a lot by life, but there's always more to learn, and one of those things is to know when to let the dog hunt, and not see everything as an insult or a challenge. Sometimes we can just enjoy something for what it is.
But to put to rest that crazy mad dog mentality-and I am like this with everything-comes a cost, and that cost is I'm not the same writer. Again, I'm not calling it a day, not even here, as I'm sure at some point I'll drop a story here and there to make the readers who got me where I am happy, but there's no urgency, no have to, no what's next and no more of the "Listen, loser, stop whining and get to work."
I'll finish by saying part of me doesn't like the tone of this post in the sense it sounds arrogant, and I'm really not that type. I compete as much with myself as anyone else, but end of the day, there is nothing wrong with being proud of what you've accomplished in any aspect of life. If I never post another story here I've left what I think is a solid legacy here on story side, and also on the boards-although a more polarizing one I'm sure-I also know I'm showing some pettiness here as motivation, but I'm being honest and what works? Then ride or die with that.
This isn't a "I'm leaving' post, just something I've wanted to say, so for those who made it through, thanks for 'listening' and to many here past and present, thank you for what I've learned, and the support.
To my detractors-most of whom are no longer here- Thanks for the inspiration, and never forget this line from HP Lovecraft in the Case of Charles Dexter Ward. "Do not summon what you cannot put down."
If anyone here is put off by this? Then come get me, and I mean that in the best of ways. I showed up and showed out, now its your turn.
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