When it all goes wrong.....

[YinandYang]

I haven't been around for a while because I have had issues to deal with which have made me question my trust in being in this lifestyle.

Basically my now ex partner used his dominance in such a way that was not acceptable to anyone (IMO). Last week we went out for a drink and on returning, to cut a long story short he beat the living daylights out of me. There was absolutely no talk of playtime, no consent and certainly no will on my part.

There were definate bounderies that he crossed, and that we had discussed before hand in our relationship. I am keeping this incident completely separate from the BDSM. The police were called and he was arrested. I was taken to hospital. Luckily the injuries are not that serious, although at the moment the psychological ones are worse.

The reason he flipped was because I wanted to go to bed as I was tired. He, whilst dragging me across the floor was telling me I was embarrassing him and not being a proper host to MY friends downstairs. I stayed in the bedroom and he returned back downstairs to continue conversation with them. An hour later, when they had gone, I was releived that finally I could go to sleep (it was 2 am in the morning). He then came upstairs and started punching me in the face. It was dark in the room, and when I managed to get to the bathroom (he wouldn't let me out), he saw all the blood and ran off and got into his car. The police were called, he was arrested when he returned and held in custody all the next day. He admitted everything. I don't have to go through the courts which is a releif because I know the BDSM stuff would have come out. He is not allowed anywhere near me, else he will be re arrested.

I know there has been posts on here about the sub crying wolf and getting the Dom into trouble....but what about when its the other way round?

I am thankful it happened now and not two years down the line, as I think the manipulation he displayed (which I couldn't see at the time) would have meant it would have been harder for me to let go and cut off.

My last post here was about the 24/7 lifestyle, and the way he always excerted his dominance. All these things now point to someone who lived this way before. And I actually found out from the police that he has indeed used Domestic violence before.

He must have thought it was christmas when I shared my BDSM secret with him. Seems now he took it as an open invitation to do whatever he wanted. I don't condone this behaviour at all, and thankfully my children were away at their dads so they have no idea what happened.

Has anyone here been in this situation?

The feelings I have now are basically that I am frightened in my own home. I'm not sure if I will ever trust anyone enough now to live out the fantasies I had, and also I feel guilt that somehow I sent messages out that I wanted this to happen.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Firstly, I am so pleased to know you are OK and you had the strength to do what you had to to protect yourself and your family in the future. I am saddened this has happened to you and that it has made you feel guilt and doubt your ability to pursue something that is so much a part of you. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Perhaps as time passes you will begin to feel a bit better and able to consider making tentative steps again. An ideal would be if you could find someone who was experienced and part of the scene who would act as both friend and mentor to help you get through it safely and stress free.

It is unfortunate there are people out there who take advantage and use the lifestyle to get their un-lifestyle needs met in a deceptive way. It happens and it is not always that easy to pick, especially when you are in the centre of it. I know in my time of searching I came across one Dominant who though he was genuinely a Dominant and not posing as such to get what he wanted, he did have some dark twists in his nature. I instinctively felt there was something wrong even though he was charming on the surface, and fortunately backed off and distanced myself. It was only later when I met someone else in the lifestyle who knew him but did not know I did, that I discovered how close I could have come to being a statistic. That being said, these type exist in the vanilla world too, as you know, and they will use whatever they can to get what they want.

Take the time to heal, pamper yourself, and feel pride in the fact you have taken control and protected yourself in a difficult situation. I think you were extremely brave and showed you have what it takes to make sure you are not abused again.

Catalina

 

[chris9]

*hugs*
I don't have any wise words to share with you, but I feel for you and really wish that you will heal from this abuse.
Take care of yourself!

 

[Guest]

 

[His_pita]

How brave you are to call the police and have his ass put in jail. I have known many women that just keep on taking the beatings.

I don't have any advice expect you need time to heal and be good to yourself. This is totally his fault and you hold no blame because you shared a desire. This lifestyle should be about complete trust and respect for the boundaries we set.

Take care

 

[Kajira Callista]

I haven't been around for a while because I have had issues to deal with which have made me question my trust in being in this lifestyle.

Basically my now ex partner used his dominance in such a way that was not acceptable to anyone (IMO). Last week we went out for a drink and on returning, to cut a long story short he beat the living daylights out of me. There was absolutely no talk of playtime, no consent and certainly no will on my part.

There were definate bounderies that he crossed, and that we had discussed before hand in our relationship. I am keeping this incident completely separate from the BDSM. The police were called and he was arrested. I was taken to hospital. Luckily the injuries are not that serious, although at the moment the psychological ones are worse.

The reason he flipped was because I wanted to go to bed as I was tired. He, whilst dragging me across the floor was telling me I was embarrassing him and not being a proper host to MY friends downstairs. I stayed in the bedroom and he returned back downstairs to continue conversation with them. An hour later, when they had gone, I was releived that finally I could go to sleep (it was 2 am in the morning). He then came upstairs and started punching me in the face. It was dark in the room, and when I managed to get to the bathroom (he wouldn't let me out), he saw all the blood and ran off and got into his car. The police were called, he was arrested when he returned and held in custody all the next day. He admitted everything. I don't have to go through the courts which is a releif because I know the BDSM stuff would have come out. He is not allowed anywhere near me, else he will be re arrested.

I know there has been posts on here about the sub crying wolf and getting the Dom into trouble....but what about when its the other way round?

I am thankful it happened now and not two years down the line, as I think the manipulation he displayed (which I couldn't see at the time) would have meant it would have been harder for me to let go and cut off.

My last post here was about the 24/7 lifestyle, and the way he always excerted his dominance. All these things now point to someone who lived this way before. And I actually found out from the police that he has indeed used Domestic violence before.

He must have thought it was christmas when I shared my BDSM secret with him. Seems now he took it as an open invitation to do whatever he wanted. I don't condone this behaviour at all, and thankfully my children were away at their dads so they have no idea what happened.

Has anyone here been in this situation?

The feelings I have now are basically that I am frightened in my own home. I'm not sure if I will ever trust anyone enough now to live out the fantasies I had, and also I feel guilt that somehow I sent messages out that I wanted this to happen.

You need to keep reminding yourself that you didn't make this happen... and that this was not anything close to D/s BDSM.
I think it is very normal to feel scared and to not want to trust at first, but if it doesnt get better i would think you should see someone who knows how to psychologically deal with abuse victims. There are a lot of men in this world who think that when you like pain you want abuse, but there are (thankfully) more that understand the difference between the two.

 

[Killishandra]

The kind of abuse he showed you is absolutely NOT acceptable, in or out of the BDSM society.

Don't let one man's abuse cause you to doubt BDSM in general. There are caring Dominants out there.

Know that we are here for you, and care about you.

 

[Netzach]

one thing I've found for totally different reasons is that it's PERFECTLY ok to put BDSM on hold for a while when you don't feel safe or right about it. It will always be there when you are ready again. For now, healing, taking care of yourself, and making sure you are safe are the big priorities, one thing at a time.

you handled your incident very bravely, this is really an unfortunate and terrible thing.

 

[graceanne]

Oh, lord. I am so sorry. *hugs*

And I agree with everything everyone's said and most especially with Netzach. You do not need to be in a relationship of any sort. You need to heal. And I don't just mean physically.

*hugs*

 

[Private_Label]

Haven't been in that situation myself, and hope I never will be. All I can do is offer you my silent support.

 

[littlegirlslut]

I've never found myself in this situation, but I do fear that I am the type that would let something like this happen and unlike you wouldn't have the courage to leave.

You should be very proud of yourself for seeing the difference and need to leave.

I hope you have listening ears during your healing time.