When is enough enough?

[*Eve*]

Just let me start out by saying hey to everyone. Missed me? There are quite a few new faces since the last time I posted so hello to all of you again. So love me or hate me I'm back!!!

Anyway, here's a question for you ladies and then I will ask the guys. Ladies, how bad do you have to be treated in order to give a guy the boot. Does he have to stand you up one too many times, shove you around a bit, disrespect you in front of other people?
Guys, what kind of man do you think it takes to do these things to a woman? As a guy have you ever felt the need to treat a lady like this.
Whose fault is it when someone is abusing their mate? The abuser or the abusee for taking it.
I ask because I visited a good friend of mine in at home today who got beat up pretty bad by someone she claims that she loves. I'm tired of wasting my breath telling her to leave him and frankly I'm losing patience. I want to be a good friend to her but on the other hand I'm tired of her crying on my shoulder about how bad she's being treated but she won't do anything about it.
Maybe I lack the sensitivity to deal with it because I can't picture myself in that situation where my happiness depended on how some jerk treated me. It tears me up to see her this way, because I'm actually scared one day he may take it too far and kill her but I'm also tired of being told to butt out even after she has dragged me in the middle. I really don't feel like not hanging around her at all anymore.
How would you handle this situation?

 

[bluntforcemama]

Hey Eve, welcome back.

First of all, I don't take any shit from anyone, man or woman. I've given one man in my entire life a second chance, we'll see what he does with it. Other than that, I'd have to be a fool to let someone walk on me. I recently gave the boot to someone I loved, and because he couldn't love me anymore, we had become too different. I suppose I should tru tolerance sometime, but I know what I need, and it isn't someone who will trample me, or a bottom dweller.

 

[TaffyJ]

I've had this situation before.

I had a friend like that once. She kept taking the abuse, and I didn't see the sense in it, either. What was more sad, she had a four year old son from a previous marriage her current hubby was abusing as well. I did all I could for her and the child and I bagan to believe maybe all she wanted was attention and sympathy, not help. She refused to help herself or her son. I fear for what will happen to the child, but even this girl's own family was unable to get through to her. Finally her mother got custody of the boy, thank God.

I think some people honestly believe they NEED a signifigant other to BE someone. They haven't learned how to stand on their own without someone, no matter how abusive that someone may be. It's a vicious cycle/circle. They need to learn to love and respect themself more or they are going to keep putting up with the abuse. They can never learn who they really are as long as they are dependant on another for their identity.

I'm certain these people need some kind of help, but I think they need a professional. Or maybe the advice of somebody else who has been abused and broken the cycle. Anybody out there been in a seriously abusive relationship and gotten out? How did you do it?

 

[Blackbich]

Just let me start out by saying hey to everyone. Missed me?

Sure have. I hadn't seen you around the board for awhile - welcome back!!

here's a question for you ladies and then I will ask the guys. Ladies, how bad do you have to be treated in order to give a guy the boot. Does he have to stand you up one too many times, shove you around a bit, disrespect you in front of other people?

I'm an intolerant bitch when it comes to men. I expect to be treated as well as I treat them (has yet to happen). If I have to continually call without reciprocation (is that even a damn word? I claim Jesse Jackson ebonics rights on this one!!), if I have to pay our way too many times, if I get stood up, if he tells me he's going to call and doesn't, if I finally realize the only reason I'm around is for sex, or anything resembling the above - he's gotta go. I've seen too many women get mistreated to take it now that I've developed some sense of self esteem and have decided I'm worth something. I think if a man ever laid his hands on me, I'd go ballistic and he would definitely regret it. Trust me, I have too much pent up rage to not follow through.

Whose fault is it when someone is abusing their mate? The abuser or the abusee for taking it.

Men who abuse women do it because they are insecure with themselves and intimidating someone is the only way they feel good about themselves. Yes, I've heard all the stories which say that if you're raised in that type of environment that you'll do it yourself but I think this is mainly an excuse. I'm not saying there's no validity to that but I've seen too many people from abusive backgrounds NOT hurt the people they love that I believe that you could, if you really wanted to, break out of that cycle. Some claim to do it out of a misguided idea of love - if she's scared of me, she'll never leave me. It's never truly about love because if it was, you would never raise your hands to that person regardless of the circumstances. It's the abuser's fault - nothing a person does is justification for beating on them. Any man who'd blame a woman for 'bringing it on herself' is a worthless piece of slime. Of course, if your girlfriend/wife is coming at you with a knife, I'm all for advocating self-defense. Short of this, there's NO excuse. On the other hand, women allow these men to continue with their behavior because they stay in the situation. This doesn't make them at fault but it reflects their stupidity for staying in a dangerous situation. Unfortunately, what most people don't realize is that by the time it comes to the point of hitting, the abusee has been so beaten down through verbal abuse/intimidation, they are too weak willed to try to seek help or leave. Because of this vicious cycle, I commend women who get out of the situation at the very beginning.

I ask because I visited a good friend of mine in at home today who got beat up pretty bad by someone she claims that she loves. I'm tired of wasting my breath telling her to leave him and frankly I'm losing patience. I want to be a good friend to her but on the other hand I'm tired of her crying on my shoulder about how bad she's being treated but she won't do anything about it.
Maybe I lack the sensitivity to deal with it because I can't picture myself in that situation where my happiness depended on how some jerk treated me. It tears me up to see her this way, because I'm actually scared one day he may take it too far and kill her but I'm also tired of being told to butt out even after she has dragged me in the middle. I really don't feel like not hanging around her at all anymore.
How would you handle this situation?

I've been in this situation before - my sister was in an abusive relationship. You're not going to like what I have to say but, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. All you can do is let her know you're there for her if she ever decides to get out of the situation but let her know you won't continue to watch her allow herself to get mistreated. She's the only one who can make the decision to get out.

All of the talking in the world wouldn't get my sister to leave - she had to make that decision on her own. I finally put my foot down and told her that the only time I wanted her talking to me about her situation was when she was telling me she was leaving. I later learned that, because of that last heart to heart, she finally left the dickhead. When she realized I was truly scared for her, it woke her up. She had never seen me cry before and she realized that if I was crying over it, it had to be something. I'd advise you to do the same for your friend. Explain to her that you've decided that because she's a grown woman, she is going to continue to do what she wants and that you aren't going to try to help her anymore. Let her know your fears about her safety. If you're being told to butt out when you try to say something, I'd stop butting in but I'd also stop her from talking about it in front of me. You have enough to deal with yourself without someone asking for help that doesn't really want it. If you can, it'll be hard but continue being her friend - your being there for her may be what eventually brings her around. Other than this, I don't know what to tell you.

Good luck. You're going to need it in this situation.

 

[Desert Amazon]

 

[MysteryJKR]

velcumen. Good to see ya back.

oh who am i? you dont needa know. lol.

*Runs away*