WHat's it going to take?

[huskie]

I'v been married for 8 yr. now. After the birth of our first child, 4 yr. ago, sex has gone down hill, by my opinion anyway, ever sense.
We have sex. about 5 times a week (not near enough for me or much as we used to) but thats not realy the problem. It's the quality. She seems to be moving backwards? She is now Less kinky, Less aggressive, Less apt to touch me much less go down on me??
I have talked to her about it. Asked her why and all the standard stuff. Her answer is "I just don't want to do that stuff" or "do that stuff anymore." It's like her sex drive and her whole attitude twords sex is moving backwards not advancing into new stuff or improving or any desire to improve??
Maybe there's some hypnotic tap I could play to her in her sleep that would give her the desire to be more of a sex goddess when she's in bed with me?

frustrated huskie

 

[sweetlittleass]

After having 3 kids myself... I know the position your wife is in.

I didn't find myself sexual - I hated my body - I'd gained weight, gotten stretch marks and was tired all the time - dealing with kids can really take it out of you! And was in your wife's boat for a number of years. While I didn't really "go backwards" - I certainly wasn't interested in having sex - my hubby had to almost talk me into it whenever it did happen... he started resenting it, and we rarely had sex.

However, I have good news for you. I finally got fed up with myself. I went on a diet, lost 30# and started feeling much better about myself. Obviously the kids are getting older and don't need as much of my time and attention, so I'm definately not tired like I used to be. Now my sex drive has surpassed his.

We have had many long conversations about why my sex drive has come up in the past few years. It all has to do with how I see myself... I wasn't happy with my body, so I assumed why would he be? I didn't feel attractive, so why would he want me? Maybe your wife is having the same thoughts about herself. Talk to her and see what's going on with her.

Another factor may be that she is concerned that your child will hear the two of you together - or worse, walk in on you while in the act. If you can, try to take your wife out of the house for a nice dinner, and go to a hotel where you guys can make noise, walk around naked and do anything you want.

Just my 2 cents,
Baby

 

[huskie]

Another factor may be that she is concerned that your child will hear the two of you together - or worse, walk in on you while in the act. If you can, try to take your wife out of the house for a nice dinner, and go to a hotel where you guys can make noise, walk around naked and do anything you want.

yep. that sort of happened. My 4 yr old little girl walked in. And like everything else in her life she made up a song about it titled "What is my Daddy doing to my Mommy??? Oh what is he doing to her??"


Yes the I agree that turn around in her started with the birth. Now don't get me wrong. We do have sex. But its only in the morning now?? And it's as quick as she can make it. Unlike other women my wife can cum at the drop of a hat. I think this is some of the problem for me? She seems to have no desire to do anything kinky in the slightest bit. One time she said during sex "god you feel big" thats it. And whats worse is I'm not. I that's it for "Talking dirty".

 

[Luvinit]

Boy, do I know how she feels....

When my husband and I first got together, I was insatiable! I was wet 24/7 for that man, could cum almost at the thought of what he'd do to me later, and was ready, willing and able to do anything.

When the kids got to be a certain age, I had a hard time thinking of myself as both a mom AND a wanton sex goddess. The two just didn't mix. I couldn't imagine giving my husband a delicious blow job, then kiss the kids goodnight an hour later. Yuck!

What we both had to settle with was fewer sexual encounters, but better ones. I got a neighbor to swap sitting with me. I told her flat out that I needed time alone with my man and would she be willing to keep the kids even for an hour. With the kids gone, I could get nekkid, dance for him, shout, scream, moan and have a great time being the sex goddess I know I am. Then, we'd take a slow shower (and maybe do it one more time), I'd brush my teeth, do my hair and put on the Suzy Homemaker persona once again. Man, those stolen hours saved our sex life.

As for the weight thing, has your wife gained any weight since in pregnancy? I went through that "I'm too fat" phase. It wasn't until I lost a few pounds that I felt sexy and desirable again. I don't care how often my husband told me I looked great. If I didn't feel good about myself, ain't nobody gonna convince me I'm looking good.

I'd suggest being more sympathetic to your wife. Find someone who can take your child for a couple hours once in a while. Plan on an hour ALONE of foreplay. Let her remember how it used to be. She'll snap out of it, I'm sure, but it may take some time. Mommyhood is hard work for us gals.

 

[huskie]

Yes, she has gained about 20 lbs or so. It doen't bother me at all. I'm fairly certin it bothers her. I told her she could gain another 30 lbs and it would be fine by me IF it would change her atitude twords sex.
It will be a while (if ever) before she agrees to let someone watch our 4 yr old daughter, just so we can have some time together. My daughter has just started sleeping in her on bed, 3 months ago and my wife still falls asleep with her. Then gets up around 2 or 3 am and gets in bed with me. She simply has no desirer to improve our sex life much less ever do anything kinky. Hell I think thats why she's afraid to drink or get drunk around me..... scared that she may wined up letting me have anal sex with her or something??????

 

[Monazwx]

Yep, definitely the Mother Syndrome!

From your last post, it's obvious that she feels that her sex goddess days are over, at least for a little while, (until your daughter turns 18!), espically after your daughter walked in on you two.

Taking time for the two of you (BY YOURSELVES) is a great idea. She needs to realize that a well-rounded relationship between the parents will help your daughter in the long run. Stiffling her sexual energy isn't helping everyone. Let her know that she can be a great, slim, sexy wife and mother at the same time.

 

[dreamer]

I think it's important to note...

There's alot of us guys that find those 'motherly' changes in appearance pretty damn attractive. I think maybe if as men we did a better job of communicating just how attractive you are to us there'd be less insecurity after children.

Maybe, just maybe the problem isn't the women feeling 'less sexual' but ours (mens) for giving them that idea in the first place.

As for your specific situation...adore her, worship her, let her know just how attractive she is to you and maybe you'll see her start feeling that way more and more.

Just an idea.

 

[SexyChele]

Damn, I'm just full of opinionated advice today, aren't I? Well, maybe it's not so good, but here's my .02 worth.

I've never had kids, but I do know that almost all women I've known experienced some decline in their sex drive right after birth. I think it may have something to do with an innate responsibility to be there to care for the child, but who knows??

I do know that if I've gained weight and feel uncomfortable about myself, it doesn't matter what my partner says! I don't like myself, period. I don't think of myself as sexy, period. And this is not just weight gain. It can be when I'm sick or under a good deal of stress.

The comment about your daughter walking in on you confuses me. I know lots of people have experienced this, but I can only go by my own personal experience. I was taught from the time I could remember that I was never, ever, absolutely, positively to just walk into my parent's bedroom if the door was closed. I had to knock and then wait for them to tell me it was okay to come in. I suppose if there were some kind of emergency it would have been a different story, but I think this is an excellent rule to begin instilling into children at a very young age. If your daughter is taught to knock first and then wait, you and your wife will be afforded more opportunity to feel comfortable about her not just "walking in".

Also, I'm confused about your wife having to sleep with your daughter. Yes, I've had friends tell me they do this as well, and I can never understand it. A child needs to learn to fall asleep by themselves. After all, they will have to at some point, right? Yeah, I can remember babysitting 2 year olds who, when put to bed, would scream their lungs out for a half hour. Maybe if I'd gone up and laid down with them, they would have fallen asleep - eventually. As it was, I just turned up the volume on the TV and ignored the kid. They eventually went to sleep, and after awhile learned that when I said it was time for bed, it was time for them to go to bed.

By spending that time sleeping with your daughter, it sounds to me like 1. your wife is enabling your daughter from not being able to sleep by herself and that could stretch into a few more years, and 2. this is definite physical separation between husband and wife, and that is NEVER a good thing when you are both in the same house and it is time for bed. To me, children need to be in their own beds, alone, and mommy and daddy need to be in their bed, together, to make for happy home.

I would imagine that if I were to lay down with a child, in their bed, waiting for them to fall asleep, not wanting to turn too much to awaken them, then crawl off to my own bed at 2am I'd be way too distracted and tired for kinky sex. In fact, it would be the very last thing on my mind!

Now, please don't think I'm criticizing the way you are raising your daughter! That's between you and your wife only! But, in my opinion, putting your daugher down at 8:00, waiting for her to fall asleep by 9, still enables enough time for you and your wife to have some "nooky" time. That ain't gonna happen if you are watching TV or in one bed, while your wife is occupying your daughter's bed. How can you have "nooky" time when you are in separate rooms?

Anyway, like I said, just my opinion. For whatever it's worth!

Good luck, though!

 

[peeeepers]

I agree with everybody. When my four kids were little I always felt that everyone wanted a piece of me and by the time I got to bed I had nothing left to give. I was so tired! I had no emotions left to share. And to think that now I'm complaining about not getting any often enough! Go figure. Oh I long for the good old days when he was after me all the time. Maybe that's it! Now I'm too willing. Do some of you guys like the chase?

 

[NoRegrets]

What Indeed???

Originally posted by peeeepers
Oh I long for the good old days when he was after me all the time. Maybe that's it! Now I'm too willing. Do some of you guys like the chase?

Flirting with someone for a while can be extremely intoxicating but No, I don't like chasing in my relationship.

It's perfect when both people want that physical intimacy at the same time. Gosh, being wanted is arousing. (by the right person) The thought of pleading is abhorrent and I'm one of those guys that thinks NO means NO!

I like being aroused several times each week and feel I have some control over it. When I'm angry at my S/O, I am not interested in that kind of intimacy. I supose we all have some control. I keep thinking, it wasn't always this way, what can I do to help things? Kinda stumped... I guess it's time to talk about this some more.

 

[cherrylips_au]

Everyone has had lots of good advice. It's hard to go from mum to sex goddess.
Maybe you could give her a night off mum duties let her sit on the couch her feet up while you take care of your daughter. Try putting your daughter to bed by herself I know it can be hard as I have 3 small kids myself. It's sometimes easier to ignore other people's children but difficult when it's your own.
When your daughter finally goes to sleep it may take a few weeks for her to learn this at 4 years old she is ready, take the opportunity to get to know your wife again. Yes I know you want to have sex with her but give her some space let her see you want more than just that from her.
Start small give her foot massages, ask her about her day (especially if she is a stay at home mum) run a nice hot bath for her, show her that you appreciate all she does.
Soon I'm sure she will feel more desired and wanted, then you can both go exploring your sexual pleasures together.
I hope it all works out for you.

 

[Guest]

Hate to tell ya Huskie, but that's a good thing. When you have kids, let alone multiple kids, the sex should calm down. Your family is your #1 priority, not your sex life.

Hypnotic tones to play her? Are you nuts? First hypnotizing people does not make them do what they wouldn't normally do. Second, that's insane and probably illegal.

 

[nj-voyeur]

men vs women

You ever notice that if a women doesnt like her body she doesnt want to have sex. But a guy can be a slob and still think he is a sexual stud. This is why men rule the world although there are more women and women have more advantages to use.

Is kinda like austin powers being a ladies man. A real life example would be Drew Carey.

 

[huskie]

Thanks for all your replies. I agree with most and have allready tried most and talked to my wife tell I'm blue about'm.
It could be the "Sex Goddess" thing? I'm not sure and will try to work on it?
What bothers me most is not the fact that we don't have sex when i want it but the fact that she seems never to want it.
Simply put Maybe I don't turn her on any more??? I'm pushing thought aside more often.
Getting the baby to stay in her bed? It toke me 4 yr.'s and getting really pisst off to get the baby out of OUR bed.
I know these no quick solution and believe things will get better. The real question is when? or how much longer? 1yr., 2yr's, 5yr.'s......

 

[Irish_Rover]

one of my best friends had the same problems when his girlfrriend gave birth to their first child. He got talking to her about it and it turned out that his girlfriend had stopped thinking of herself as a lover and had become a mother, and certain physical acts that they had taken part in before the child was born (shes called Molly, shes 1 and a half years old and the cutest thing on the planet) were no longer acceptable. I think theyre getting over it though but it hasnt been easy, you have to rebuild your s.o's confidence as a sexual person, make sure you complement her a lot in whatever she does, and during sex make sure to worship any body parts you feel that she may be insecure about. I hope that this is some help

 

[looking4fun]

Some advice from a man who has walked many miles in the shoes you are now wearing. Having 4 kids I have been there done that.

However my youngest is now 6 & I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Couple of suggestions that might help out:

1. Take turns putting your daugther to bed. Send your wife to the tub for a relaxing bath. While you read a bedtime story to get your daugther settled.

2. I hate housework, but my wife really enjoys when I help out.

3. Made time for you to babysit so your wife can go out shopping.

4. I would suggest not having sex more then 3 times a week.

Most women have a hard time trying to be a mother, wife & individual. They lump all their time & engergy into being a mother.

In the end it will all work out, you just have to give it time & be understanding.

 

[CHEWEY]

Got a family, the sex should calm down?

Oh god, If that's the case, More and I both are in alot of trouble Your wife sounds like a great mom and wife but I think she's being a little obsessive, about the mom thing. This just my opinion, mind you, but sleeping with the child at 4? I can understand if she has had a nightmare or something but every night? That's making the child too dependant on her and unable to make decisions for herself. I worked with my first child and I missed so many cute things that i insisted I stay home with the second. Because I was not around all the time, my first is totally dependant on himself, while my second is still dependant on me and so is her son. The difference between a leader and a follower. As for your family being #1 one, well DUH! But besides being mom and dad now , you are still a couple and you have to take care of that too. My kids learned at an early age, that our bedroom was just that and they were not allowed in there. Unless they were scared or squirting blood somewhere. While we quit doing it whenever and where ever the mood struck while the kids were home, we were still affectionate towards each other and to this day, they are 25 & 23, if we are in a room alone, they still holler before they come in And they still call us HornDogs

 

[huskie]

Thanks chewey
I agree and envy you.

One thing I forgot to mention to you all. My wife all so has a new hobbie. It's extreamly addictive. It's called Scapbooking.
My wife is 28. Do yall think, when she gets in her 30's, she'll become more interested in sex? Are women more horney in there 30's than 20's? If so, will this new phase mean more sex or better quality sex?

 

[marksgirl]

My .02 worth. Something My husband and I have done and it works is: Every Friday night at 7:00 we are on a date. We go somewhere or lock our door and it is known not to disturb unless it is really important! We take turns making each other feel like a sex goddess. Children are a part of our lives, not the center of it, we have to take control. A happy Mom & Dad makes a happy home. Does anyone want to know what goes on behind that locked door?

 

[huskie]

My .02 worth. Something My husband and I have done and it works is: Every Friday night at 7:00 we are on a date. We go somewhere or lock our door and it is known not to disturb unless it is really important! We take turns making each other feel like a sex goddess. Children are a part of our lives, not the center of it, we have to take control. A happy Mom & Dad makes a happy home. Does anyone want to know what goes on behind that locked door?

i coudn't agree more!!! now, if I could only convens my wife of this.

 

[Voosla]

You guys are scaring me!!! My sex drive dissappeared on the pill so i stopped taking it and was almost instantly back, horny as ever. of course now i'm pregnant. But i am so afraid this is gonna happen to me and ruin our relationship after the kid is born. Any tips on how to prevent it?? Or at least make my man understand??

 

[huskie]

You guys are scaring me!!! My sex drive dissappeared on the pill so i stopped taking it and was almost instantly back, horny as ever. of course now i'm pregnant. But i am so afraid this is gonna happen to me and ruin our relationship after the kid is born. Any tips on how to prevent it?? Or at least make my man understand??

do NOT worry. The simple fact that you come to this board says your sex drive will not deminish enough to cause problems. The simple fact that you are very aware of you mans needs will make the transaction easy........ I would hope that your man understands the down time and the loss of sex drive to a certin extant.

 

[SexyChele]

My wife is 28. Do yall think, when she gets in her 30's, she'll become more interested in sex? Are women more horney in there 30's than 20's? If so, will this new phase mean more sex or better quality sex?

Well, I've always had a relatively high sex drive - at least that is what my partners have told me. (So who really knows?)

I didn't notice a discernable difference when I hit my 30s. Pretty much felt the same way as I did in my 20s.

But when I hit 40? WOOHOO!!! The sky's the limit and everything in between! I have found that I am hornier now than I have ever been in my whole life. I'm much more willing to experiement and try new things - and I'm usually the one initiating the experiementation. I've also learned to feel 100% comfortable with my body. Hey, it ain't perfect, it ain't never gonna be perfect, but it has all the pieces and they still work! I've found that, because of the sheer confidence I have in my body, men find me even more sexier than they did when I 28 and a perfect size 7. I have finally accept myself as a sexual being and want to explore and know what that is. I am confident of who I am, and if a man is in my life today and gone tomorrow it's cool - there'll be another along shortly to take his place. The 40's are the coolest ever!

Don't mean to put a damper on you, huskie, cause I do know of a lot of women who said they felt more sexy in their 30s. Usually mid to late 30s, however, when kids are grown and can take care fo themselves for the most part.

But who knows? Your wife might hit 30 running for the bedroom. I hope for your sake that is the case!

 

[Lilith]

That damn scrapbooking cult got another one!

Hi, new here!

Let me ask you huskie~ do you think that her lack of sexual interest means that she no longer finds you desirable? 'Cause I can tell you that it is probably not the case at all. I have been your wife........ and I can assure you there is hope! There was a time where I felt like so many demands were being placed on me, like every one wanted a little piece all day. By the time it got around to hubby and sex I just had nothing left to give and took him for granted. Luckily he stuck it out! ( like I am sure you can do too)
Well the kids got older, more independent, I learned to say NO! to people wanting my time, and voila! slowly but surely my desire for sex began to increase. Hubby had been kind and patient, letting me find my way back to our bed (or kitchen or shower or just about anywhere now days!). I never lost my desire for him.......... he was my only desire. We are now in the midst of our 1st week alone (no kids) in over 10 years. He made it in to work today, barely. Hope not too many people notice the rope burns on his wrists.....

 

[huskie]

Sexychele..... Thank you for your words of support.... I think I should thank you?? So basicly what your say (seeing as how I'm 7 yr older than my wife) is that by the time she is hot and horney and reeady to try new stuff with me in bed...... I'll just be looking for a good nights sleep?? Just kidding and god I hope I'm wrong. If I'm not then I will invest in the supper drugs out there that will put me were I need to be to please my wife.

Lilith..... Theres no way you could be a real scrapbooker. I know these people and they would not come to this board. Not because they would not approve of it but because they don't have time for it (what with all there scrapping and swops and stuff). Or maybe this board is therapy for you and you are a scappbooker anonymous?? If so, I would like to get my wife involved with a scrappbooker anonymous group.