what the hell?!

[Nitram1]

How do people ever get together?! I thought I'd be meeting new people (mainly women) all the time once I left high school. The stuff is even harder! I go to college but its just akward even trying to talk to people. What the hell do we have in common? I'm noy what you would call 'even remotely intelligent enough to have a normal conversation with a live woman'. How the hell do you guys do it?

 

[SweetErika]

Do you participate in any extracurricular activities? If so, you have that in common. If not, maybe you should look into joining a group or two that interests you and/or taking an activity-based class (music, drama, athletics, etc.) that allows you to meet people.

You could also form or join a study group for classes you're taking.

Do you live on campus or at home? Dorms and such usually have planned activities.

 

[NippleMuncher]

To be blunt, get over yourself and your fear of interacting with others.

You say women are hard to meet, what about men? Are you able to strike up conversation with random male strangers? If you are uncomfortable to initiate conversation with others of either sex, then the problem IS NOT how or where to meet someone, it is what will it take for you to overcome your fear of interaction with others?

The easiest means of meeting anyone is to partake in hobbies and interests with other people that have the same hobbies and interests as you. Once you're in these group settings, YOU must be willing to start small talk. The fact that you're doing something you enjoy, you should be able to draw the other person out with questions about whatever it is they're doing OR share your experiences about it.

It's not how or where, it's YOU.

 

[Nitram1]

Thanks. Actually I go to a private college where there aren't any extracurricular activities besides class stuff and haven't gotten a chance to to to yet. And I stay at home.
To Joe mccool here, you're most likely right. It is always akward for me to strike up conversation within guys too, unless they start it. When they do, either guy or girl, I'm always wondering, did they just say something to just say something or what. You know what I'm talking about? Like they could have just wanted to say a few things and then you just keep dragging the thing further? Usually I'm on the shut the hell up end of this.

 

[CWatson]

I'm with nipmunch up there.

It's not easy to talk to women; yes, this is true. I've been where you are, and probably worse--I went to an all-guys high school, and my social life (and social skills) went through a horrific atrophy, so that when I got to college I had the abilities of a 13-year-old. It wasn't great.

What I learned was this: It gets easier with experience.

Yes, you are going to be turned down; yes, you will be embarrassed; yes, there will be blows to your self-esteem; yes, it is scary to look at a woman and know that you are about to take your heart in your hands and offer it to her, and that she might scorn it or even trample it in the dirt. But, simply put, your choices are to face a few years of that right now, or to be single and lonely for the rest of your life. Discomfort now or discomfort forever? Seems pretty obvious to me.

Being involved in extra-curriculars will help in two ways. One, it gives you more things to talk about. Two, it's more exposure. You'll start having conversations--both good ones and bad--and start to gain more experience. Your Conversation Proficiency will level up naturally. And then, when you go to ask somebody out, that'll at least be one load off your mind.

So, seriously. Just man the hell up and go for it.

 

[fuckmeat]

This my friend, is why us Brits are so fond or discussing the weather. Since we're all affected by it, it offers instant common ground, which is what you need to start finding. You are in college, so right away you do have things in common with the other people there. If you all get handed a shitty assignment, you have something to commiserate with your classmates about. Something as simple as saying 'Am I the only person who had better things to do this weekend?' will instantly get others chatting and laughing along with you. (obviously, don't say something like that in the presence of the teacher who set the shitty assignment)

If you spot evidence of common ground, like a band T shirt or some other sign that you have similar likes/interests as another student, mention it. Just saying something like 'Cool band.' will get you on nodding/smiling terms with someone and build a gossamer fine bridge for you to strengthen in the future.

People don't become friends overnight, unless they experience some life changing, Hollywood-esque bonding experience it just doesn't happen. You need to feel people out gradually and make sure you're getting to know people you actually like rather than gravitating towards anyone who'll talk to you.

Another good idea is to put yourself forwards and get involved in stuff. And don't feel that you can't stand still unless you have someone to chat with. Just lingering in the classroom to join in pre-post class conversation (well ok, listen until you have something to say) is better than being the last in and the first out. You have to make opportunities or nothing will happen for you.

And lastly, have a practice at talking to strangers on people who don't matter. Smile and chat with store clerks, bank tellers, waiters etc. Anyone who's in the service industry and contractually obliged to be polite to you will be a good start. Get the hang of pointless small talk because that's how people get to know one another. They talk about stuff that doesn't matter until they like and trust you enough to count you as a friend and talk about the stuff that does. And try not to be so negative and paranoid. Even if somebody 'says something just to say something' it means they've made an effort in order to be polite to you and make you feel included. That is a good thing.

 

[Tmmldr]

.....
And lastly, have a practice at talking to strangers on people who don't matter. Smile and chat with store clerks, bank tellers, waiters etc. Anyone who's in the service industry and contractually obliged to be polite to you will be a good start. Get the hang of pointless small talk because that's how people get to know one another. They talk about stuff that doesn't matter until they like and trust you enough to count you as a friend and talk about the stuff that does. And try not to be so negative and paranoid. Even if somebody 'says something just to say something' it means they've made an effort in order to be polite to you and make you feel included. That is a good thing.

I second this, and when you are in retail stores or supermarkets where people wear name tags, ALWAYS ask a question, and ALWAYS respond using their name. Practice that until it becomes a habit. They will remember you, because virtually no one else uses their name. Don't limit this to just women, because the social skills are the same for men. Don't limit it to women that you find attractive, because you can practice everywhere, with everone. Don't limit it to people your own age group.

Often a friendship strikes up the second or third time you accidentally run into someone or talk to them. You see a store clerk and talk to her, then go to some event and she's there. What's going to happen? Likely some chit chat. Why? Likely she's got motivations too.

Don't toss out churches as a place to meet girls, check out several. I'm not saying to get all involved and hung up in religion, but to cruise them a bit - which ones do the college students go to? They are big social gathering places. You will run into lots of older women who are thinking about who their daughter or friends' daughter should meet. Some of those girls'll be eyeballing you in the middle of the service.

Doing college again, I'd take dance classes for physical ed. They are chock full of women that want to dance. And once she's been in your arms, she's your friend.

When you go to a class, go a bit early and maybe leave a bit late. Always carry one or two things that might be a conversation starter, no need to be too obvious. Could be a novel you are reading, could be a techie toy, anything. Get a phone that will hold the wikipedia full copy, like a droid or iphone, then download the entire 3gb into that phone. Why? Look - you park next to that girl you've been eying, and she's got the book for that class and another one for another class - say cognitive psych. You know nothing about cognitive psych. but you can quick plug the phrase into the encyclopedia, read a bit, and come up with some starters that actually sound intelligent, right? this works pretty good because the lookup is real fast and no body would imagine you could do that.

 

[Dianthus]

Thanks. Actually I go to a private college where there aren't any extracurricular activities besides class stuff and haven't gotten a chance to to to yet. And I stay at home.
To Joe mccool here, you're most likely right. It is always akward for me to strike up conversation within guys too, unless they start it. When they do, either guy or girl, I'm always wondering, did they just say something to just say something or what. You know what I'm talking about? Like they could have just wanted to say a few things and then you just keep dragging the thing further? Usually I'm on the shut the hell up end of this.

Yeah, I know what you're talking about. And one sure-fire way to beat that feeling is to forget about how you are feeling and pay attention to the other person's cues. Feelings are over-rated...Learn to listen actively.

BTW, people might sense the 'shut the hell up' vibe and give you a wide berth in the future. It doesn't cost you anything but a bit of time and effort to be polite in these interactions and sincerely be interested in what they're saying, even if you don't want to be best friends.

You may not remain interested in every conversation; just be polite, make eye contact, smile a bit. Consider it free tutoring from the rest of the world in how to interact with people.

 

[Firefly69]

...... and when you are in retail stores or supermarkets where people wear name tags, ALWAYS ask a question, and ALWAYS respond using their name. Practice that until it becomes a habit. They will remember you, because virtually no one else uses their name.

Ok-- off topic a bit, but I couldn't not reply.

I work in retail.. and I absolutley HATE it when people use my name in a familar way!! You stand there thinking.. "do I know this person?" and then realize "nope-- its just the name badge with my name pasted across it". Most of my co-workers don't like it either.

Customers think it will establish a bond with you so you will help them better. But it just annoys us.

And no... I don't remember someone better because they use my name in a retail setting. Do you have any idea how many people we help in a day?! lol.

{rant over}

 

[Nitram1]

Wow. thanks people. didn't really expect much advice, so I'm glad you guys are giving it up so freely. It's good stuff too. I would've totally tried that unknown persons name bit if not for the cross examination! lol. Also, o guess I will have to keep my bad vibes in check when talking to people. Hadn't thought I might have been preventing myself from gaining some conversation x p and making it hard for another person to strike up chit chat.
Keep the advice coming if you got any. I can just about guarantee that we haven't found a cure for social inept-ness. Our operators are waiting!... that was supposed to be pike one of those telethons on tv for like terminally ill puppies or something. Sorry if u didn't get it.

 

[SweetErika]

...... and when you are in retail stores or supermarkets where people wear name tags, ALWAYS ask a question, and ALWAYS respond using their name. Practice that until it becomes a habit. They will remember you, because virtually no one else uses their name.

Ok-- off topic a bit, but I couldn't not reply.

I work in retail.. and I absolutley HATE it when people use my name in a familar way!! You stand there thinking.. "do I know this person?" and then realize "nope-- its just the name badge with my name pasted across it". Most of my co-workers don't like it either.

Customers think it will establish a bond with you so you will help them better. But it just annoys us.

And no... I don't remember someone better because they use my name in a retail setting. Do you have any idea how many people we help in a day?! lol.

{rant over}

Can you give an example or two of how people do it in a way that bugs you so I can avoid the bad behavior?

I usually try to use the person's name once, or maybe twice (if it's a longer interaction). Like if a checker is really friendly at the grocery store or Costco, I'll say like, "Thanks, Mark" as I'm leaving. Or if I speak to a CSR on the phone, I'll say hello and goodbye using the name they've given, or maybe ask how they're doing at the beginning of the interaction. I'm not trying to get better service, but I am trying to let them know I appreciate them as a person, rather than just a job. Is this the kind of thing you're talking about?

On the other side, I've been on the receiving end of customers using my name in an overly familiar or creepy way, like when I was a barista. A lot of men especially would stare at my nametag (and likely boobs), then proceed to use my name a bunch of times in a short period, really emphasize my name like they were special for bothering to look, or ask personal questions. Yuck.

 

[NippleMuncher]

This my friend, is why us Brits are so fond or discussing the weather.

We here in the states like to discuss the weather too, though it usually revolves around whether or not we're gonna get laid ... (I'm kidding, of course ... )

 

[dollface007]

Hate to break it to you, but college is the easiest place to meet people of the opposite sex that you will find in the rest of your adult life. I'm sort of repeating what other people here said, but it bears repeating:

Get over yourself and fast.

What are you doing staying at home? You're in college for christ's sake!!

It sounds corny, but be genuine. Be yourself. If you are the snarky, sarcastic guy in the room (I'm kind of getting that vibe from you), be that snarky sarcastic guy, but be it to the cute girl sitting next to you in class/at the coed touch football game/at the young democrats/republicans/whatevers meeting. Girls like it when boys pay attention to them and they can smell a fake-o cheezeball from a mile away, so just talk to girls and be genuinely interested in them. There are girls out there that will like you.

Also, alcohol. That's how people get up the nerve to talk to other people in a lot of cases. Don't go overboard, but maybe try going to a....wait for it...PARTY. Tell your friends you're looking, or you think a certain girl at the party is hot, and they will try to help you out.

 

[bisexualsmoker]

How do people ever get together?! I thought I'd be meeting new people (mainly women) all the time once I left high school. The stuff is even harder! I go to college but its just akward even trying to talk to people. What the hell do we have in common? I'm noy what you would call 'even remotely intelligent enough to have a normal conversation with a live woman'. How the hell do you guys do it?

You just have to find your niche.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Can you give an example or two of how people do it in a way that bugs you so I can avoid the bad behavior?

I have to agree with firefly, I do not like my name used in casual conversation, whether I know you or not, but particularly if I do NOT know you because I have a great disdain for false sincerity. This extends to any false familiarities of any form, such as when my insurance agent sends me birthday and Christmas cards. I'm sorry, but I've never even talked to my agent! I got my policy from his secretary, and when I've had occasion to call the office, it is the secretary that has answered my questions.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Thanks. Actually I go to a private college where there aren't any extracurricular activities besides class stuff and haven't gotten a chance to to to yet. And I stay at home.
To Joe mccool here, you're most likely right. It is always akward for me to strike up conversation within guys too, unless they start it. When they do, either guy or girl, I'm always wondering, did they just say something to just say something or what. You know what I'm talking about? Like they could have just wanted to say a few things and then you just keep dragging the thing further? Usually I'm on the shut the hell up end of this.

Don't worry about it, I've been there, as has just about every other person on the planet. The difference with you is that you've just not figured out how to break out of your shell yet.

As I said, taking part in hobbies that you like will give you confidence to interact with others who are interested in the same hobby. I have a penchant for woodworking, when I was young and relocated to a new area, I joined the local woodworkers club and got engrossed with group activities. I also like remote controlled cars, so I started going to hobby shops and hanging out at RC tracks. I've always been in the service industry, which further forced me to interact with new people and to pull me out of my shell.

Speaking directly to your current situation, I'm willing to bet that there are study groups, mentors, tutors, and campus employment opportunities that will get you involved with your peers. It won't take much looking around your town to find other things of local interest, so don't use "I'm at college" as a reason to keep you from getting out and meeting people.

Speaking directly to your:

Also, o guess I will have to keep my bad vibes in check when talking to people. Hadn't thought I might have been preventing myself from gaining some conversation x p and making it hard for another person to strike up chit chat.

If you are uncomfortable in your own skin, no one around you is going to be comfortable either. The more confidence you exude, the more people will be willing to interact with you. Confidence comes from putting yourself out there and just being you and stop being afraid of people and fear that they won't like you. Every time you interact with another person, every time, it is an opportunity to work on your self confidence. When you answer your dorm room door, do it with a smile and sincere and cheery greeting. When you go to the store, make eye contact and great your server with a smile and a hello. If you have the chance to make a humorous comment about something going on in front of you, do so, EVERYONE enjoys a lighthearted comment to brighten their day.

Again, meeting people isn't about "how or where" it's about you. Get out there and do it and you'll become comfortable and confident, in return, people will be drawn towards you. It's just that easy, you are the one that makes it difficult. And, by "you" I mean all of us.

 

[silverwhisper]

nitram, you've gotten some great advice from the usual suspects, i see. if i can offer just one more thing?

do you know what people like to talk about? themselves. use that as a conversational opener. "so what'd you think of [x]" will generally elicit some kind of response, unless the person you ask has never heard of [x].

ed

 

[fuckmeat]

If you are uncomfortable in your own skin, no one around you is going to be comfortable either. The more confidence you exude, the more people will be willing to interact with you. Confidence comes from putting yourself out there and just being you and stop being afraid of people and fear that they won't like you. Every time you interact with another person, every time, it is an opportunity to work on your self confidence. When you answer your dorm room door, do it with a smile and sincere and cheery greeting. When you go to the store, make eye contact and great your server with a smile and a hello. If you have the chance to make a humorous comment about something going on in front of you, do so, EVERYONE enjoys a lighthearted comment to brighten their day.

Again, meeting people isn't about "how or where" it's about you. Get out there and do it and you'll become comfortable and confident, in return, people will be drawn towards you. It's just that easy, you are the one that makes it difficult. And, by "you" I mean all of us.

I second this. Plus, it's not really about exuding boundless confidence because the art of 'faking it till you make it' is in subtlety. There's no point trying to act like the most popular guy in school in the hope that people will start treating you that way. What this comes down to is basic approachability. If you don't at least appear laid back enough to be open to conversation, people may start to assume that you don't want to be interacted with.

Avoid sitting or standing with your arms and/or legs crossed. Try not to appear awkward or out of place. You have as much of a right to be standing right where you are as the next guy. Try not to appear as though you're in a hurry or have somewhere better to be. If someone does chat to you, give them your full attention and try to avoid the kind of nervous displacement activity that could unwittingly make them feel as though you'd rather be somewhere else. Eye contact is another important thing, but I happen to be crap at eye contact myself so I can't really offer any constructive advice. All I know is that I've been negatively by being unable to maintain good eye contact. Not being able to do so can be interpreted as boredom in the other person or even make you appear furtive. Sometimes the body language we give out when we feel nervous and awkward can make us seem aloof and disinterested.

Just my thoughts.

 

[Mephistophelily]

Jumping into the side topic there on the Retail names-
I have a name that's pronounced completely different than its spelled. So when someone attempts to guess it, I get INCREDIBLY annoyed.
However, if they comment on they like it or ASK how to say it (as long as they're not a jerk about it- Had a kid get snarky on it and ask if my mother was stoned when she came up with it), I figure they do want to chat a little. As long as its not outrageously busy in the store, I enjoy a little break talking with someone. Gives me a little rest on the floor, and my boss sees it as being courteous, so its a win/win.


For meeting people, definitely go with the suggestions thus far: See someone doing/wearing/looking at something you relate to, go talk to them. Just a simple "Hey, cool shirt" or something is a nice way to get it started. See someone having trouble with something? There's a double points! Help them out, offer a hand- even a sympathetic ear if you don't know how to actually help. You'll help them out in one way or another, and end up most likely chatting for a bit.

Nervousness is part of human nature, don't let it get to you too terribly. To be honest, seeing a guy having a little shyness to him is rather cute to me. I know I'm terrible at meeting new people. I have the hardest time talking to someone I don't already know. But seeing that one, tiny thing as a springboard, I can usually feel my way out from there.

 

[VikingVito]

Here's the fucking deal --------------------------

I use this advice when I'm talking to a friend about asking a chick out on a date -
Same could be true for just a fucking conversation.

#1) ASK HER OUT ! (or just talk to her) - You have NOTHING to Lose and EVERYTHING to Gain

#2) If she says NO - What the fuck - you weren't going out anyway.

#3) If you go out you might just get laid, have a good time, get a repeat date, or find a life mate.

So talk to em. They don't want to talk - Fuck em. They're not worth the time.
Talk to UBER pretty chicks. Some stupid fuckers are too scared to approach them and they sometimes freak that someone acutally approached them. Don't be afraid to be shot down.
It doesn't matter.

Good Luck

 

[Nitram1]

Well. You guys can be a bit harsh, but I suppose I didn't start this thread to get advice from my mom. An answer to one question in particular, I live at home cuz school is mega expensive and my family makes like two dollars to much to be eligible for financial aid. I got a grant or something, but it goes straight to paying for classes. Really wish i did get live in a dorm though. It sounds fun.
Anywho, I tried out that common interest thing and it worked alright. I ended up talking to this girl and guy for about 20 mins. about anime and coloring methods. So thanks for that people. I'm gonna try out lot of the advice this weekend while I go to see harry potter with some friends. Maybe it'll be a bit easier with my gangsta posie wit me yo! Lol, I can say that cuz I'm black.

 

[coastal-boy]

practice talking to the waitress. To the checkout girl. To the girl you hold the door open for. Then when you do see someone whom catches your eye, you don't feel as awkward

 

[rustywilliams]

Interact with everyone - the old woman behind you in line at the supermarket, the barman. Sometimes there's nothing to say, in which case you can just say "How are you doing?". Don't force it, or it seems creepy.
Then, maybe you see someone with a cool tattoo, so you say "Cool tattoo". And maybe that's all. The more you get used to interacting with people around you, the more open you are, the more confident.

 

[Firefly69]

Can you give an example or two of how people do it in a way that bugs you so I can avoid the bad behavior?

I usually try to use the person's name once, or maybe twice (if it's a longer interaction). Like if a checker is really friendly at the grocery store or Costco, I'll say like, "Thanks, Mark" as I'm leaving. Or if I speak to a CSR on the phone, I'll say hello and goodbye using the name they've given, or maybe ask how they're doing at the beginning of the interaction. I'm not trying to get better service, but I am trying to let them know I appreciate them as a person, rather than just a job. Is this the kind of thing you're talking about?

Its nice that you are trying to show appreciation... and I'm sure many do like it!

But for me.. and for many of my co-workers... it just seems too familiar. I don't know if I am making sense.Yes, we are there to help our customers and are very glad to do so.. but I just can't stand it when someone bellers out my name when they want help or are asking a question.

Most of the time-- it doesn't seem sincere. I don't mind it as much if its at the end of helping someone. Sometimes-- I do spend a bit of time with a person, and I don't mind if the they say thank you with my name.

But really, I do just prefer a nice "Thank You".

Maybe I'm just stupid.. but when people use my name like they know me, I stand there wondering if I know them! lol.

It is nice to feel appreciated by customers though... too many times, retail workers are under staffed, under paid, under appreciated and over worked. A nice person can really help to make our day... because believe me, we get a lot of people who think they don't need to be considerate because after all, we are there to serve them aren't we?!


Quick Rant: I had a great job I was at for 11 yrs until it closed because of the economy... now I'm at Walmart. I'm looking for other work-- but its not easy. A word of advice.... don't get all pissed off when shopping at Walmart and the person you ask a question to doesn't immediately know where the item they want is located.

I work in a supercenter thats bigger then many strip malls. Its like several stores in one.

I just don't know where EVERY damn item in the whole damn store is. I try to give you an idea-- but Walmart like to fuck with us too-- and move stuff around all the time. So, we tell someone where something is.. they go and look for it, and its not there anymore. Then they think ...."just another stupid walmart worker". Even in my own dept-- I'm gone for a day-- and suddenly things are different.

I don't know about other stores-- but we try to be as helpful as we can.

I work in fabrics and crafts-- and I'm sorry, but I just don't know how long the warranties are on the tvs or if we carry a certain hose for your car. I don't know if we have canned pumpkin (thats like a whole other store!)! Lol. Now... if you want to know about fabric... I know quite a bit.. but I'm still not a professional seamstress and I don't get paid enough to be expert in every aspect of sewing.


Rant over.

Sorry-- don't mean to hi-jack the thread. I'm really good at going off on tangents.

 

[VanillaLipgloss]

OH boy, just wait until you graduate college. It get's even more difficult. I used to get asked out and go on dates all the time in college. After I graduated I found it 100x more difficult. Everyone is doing their own thing with their own friends. No one really makes time to speak to others in this busy world. The only places I meet people now are at clubs and since I"m not a slut, I don't even meet decent guys there. Sucks.....