What the fuck? Boyfriend wants to "pause" our relationship...

[DarkMuse]

Okay, not even sure if I want advice or anything, but comments and advice are appreciated.

I started seeing a guy 2 1/2 months ago. He is 4 years younger than I am. He's built, sexy, and just the sweetest guy ever. I've never been treated with such respect from a guy. And the sex was amazing (and he's open to new things).

Due to his career, he travels (he's in "sports entertainment"). He went to Winnipeg for a bit, but came back to the province after a week, and is now staying with his mom 4 hours away from me (in the city where we both lived). Sunday evening we talked on the phone--he was perky, excited about coming to visit me Tuesday, and very playful. Monday evening I called him, and he sounded a bit down. We talked about our days, and then I asked him what was wrong.

He didn't want to talk about it. Apparently, he had just gotten off the phone with his brother, and they had spent an hour talking about family issues. My boyfriend goes on to tell me that he doesn't know what our relationship is (we never really labelled it), if we're in the "boyfriend/girlfriend" stage, or what have you--and that he'd like to see where it can go, and what the future holds for us. BUT he doesn't have the emotional ability to worry about me, as well as what's going on in his life, and his career.

He wants to put our relationship on "pause" until things blow over.

What the fuck does that mean? Are we "on a break"?

He doesn't want to talk about it with me because he's "tired of talking" and "doesn't want to think", and he can never seem to manage to come visit me. Argh!!!!!!!

So......I don't know.

If I didn't know him, I'd think he was giving me the blow off. He's moving to the maritimes for his career for a while, for a full time gig. He promised to come visit me.

Honestly, when he and I met, I didn't want a relationship. I didn't want ANYTHING except sex. but he was so sweet, and he's so hell bent on his career (which, I knew would ALWAYS come before me, and I was okay with that--what I'm not okay with is his emotional detachment from me since he's come back from Winnipeg), that I ended up falling for him.

Grrrr. I'm old enough to know better. So....any ideas, guys?

 

[silverwhisper]

i have to be honest, everything i can think of spins someplace bad. the least negative interpretation i am seeing is that his life is so chaotic that he cannot spend the time to work on whatever your relationship is. i call it least negative b/c that's incredibly juvenile. he should either bring you in or shut you out, not this halfway bullshit, IMV.

the other interpretations, of course, result in my suggesting dropping him like a hot potato until his flakeout is over and perhaps for longer.

ed

 

[DarkMuse]

i have to be honest, everything i can think of spins someplace bad. the least negative interpretation i am seeing is that his life is so chaotic that he cannot spend the time to work on whatever your relationship is. i call it least negative b/c that's incredibly juvenile. he should either bring you in or shut you out, not this halfway bullshit, IMV.

the other interpretations, of course, result in my suggesting dropping him like a hot potato until his flakeout is over and perhaps for longer.

ed

You know--when I think about it logically, that's what I think. Unfortunately, there's that emotional attachement, which is hard to shake. I'm also very worried about him (he sounds really bad--even crying on the phone).

He's young, and grew up with a fucked up family, and was kicked out to live on his own when he was 16. He's highly independent (hence the resistence to sharing his problems with me), and has never had a relationship last longer than 2 months (which means he's likely running scared).

I'm giving the space he wants, though. I told him I'll wait....I'm not really interested in dating, I just happened to find a guy I liked.

I also end up with fucked up men.

 

[Halo_n_horns]

There's definitely positive and negative ways to look at that. I would try to sit neutral on his reasons, but let him know that if you meet someone before he's ready to pull this together that he is the one that "paused" it, and it'll be his tough luck if it's not there when he's straightened his personal shit out.

Fair is fair.

 

[silverwhisper]

darkmuse, i don't know how old you are or he is, but you should ultimately make the decision that seems most right to you, of course. those are all mitigating factors, i agree, but i have a question: do you want him to bring you in?

ed

 

[DarkMuse]

darkmuse, i don't know how old you are or he is, but you should ultimately make the decision that seems most right to you, of course. those are all mitigating factors, i agree, but i have a question: do you want him to bring you in?

ed

Yes I do. I want to know what's going on....since it seems to be something fairly serious, if he called me crying. I care about him--a lot. He's a fantastic guy, and it's been the past few weeks (since he's been at his mom's) that he's been pulling away more and more.

 

[Little Bird]

It CAN be everything but I know by myself, that sometimes thins can appear REALLY complicated. If he doesn't want to talk about it, let him have his time alone. Most times everything apears different after a night of sleep. If he told you about it just today, be strong and wait until tomorrow. If he thinks he needs time, he should have it.
But on the other side you cannot wait for some weeks or even months to get to know what's on.
My advice would be to give him a night or two and then tell him you want to know, because it is most important to you.

 

[MintSoda]

This is a super hard thing to go through and it's one of those lousy things nobody ever tells you will happen, but it happens to almost everyone. You're two people with lives heading in different directions. I hate to blame TV and the movies, but we're all raised to believe romances have happy endings, all we needs is love, blah blah blah...it's bullshit.

I think everyone here has had a least one time in their lives when they had fallen for someone and then their lives just took different directions. For me it was my girlfriend Cat who wanted to go to LA to be an actress and I wanted to go to New York to be a painter...obviously not coinciding plans.

Theses things are hard to let go of, but it sounds like his life is heading in one direction and yours is heading in another. If he is having family and career changes then you're going to be way down on his list of imporant things, which isn't at all fair to you.

Take the "pause" for what it is, and leave your options with him open (no horribly messy break up scenes that leave you hating each others guts). There's no telling what the future might hold and maybe your lives will come back together someday.

 

[DarkMuse]

Thanks MintSoda and LittleBird.

It IS hard...and it sucks. I knew about the travelling, and he knew I accept that as part of his career. Neither of us really had the intention of a relationship with ANYONE, but it just happened.

Blech.

I just know I miss him. The emotional distance is more difficult than the physical.

What's baffling, is that Sunday, he was all happy, ready to come visit, told me he couldn't wait for us to "fuck like 2 rabbits", etc. Then 24 hours later, THIS happened. I'd like to know what the fuck his brother said to him. Maybe his brother is like my sister--jealous that someone was having a good relationship, and had to say SOMETHING to bring it down. Who knows?

 

[MasterSnatch]

You know I really hate to say this to you but people who are in "Sports Entertainment" tend to have lousy relationships and the ones they do have almost always fails. A lot of the guys tend to hook up with women in different towns and citys and use them for places to eat, sleep, get money or just to fuck with. There are countless stories about such things if you know about the business as much as I do(been a fan since a kid and I pay attention to stuff thanks to the net)

Even the guys who make relationships work for awhile tend to end up getting divorced, I could name a good many such relationships that failed, were cheated on or went really bad. There are a lot of horror stories out there, hell there was one not long ago where three people in the big league in the "sports entertainment" had an real life drama where the guy and girl were together and had been for years, then their good friend who was married by the way started to get hot for the girl and basically started to flirt with her and they cheated on the other guy, the other guy found out when the wife of the other found out and told him.

You probably know what I mean and heard about it.

Overall though I'm telling you now, no matter how charming or nice he is....relationships in the business will more than likely crush you. My advice is find someone else for your own good.

 

[dollface007]

Wow, i know the feeling. This is a total bummer. My ultimate take on this is, if he's not ready to trust you with his life and his problems, you shouldn't be together. It's an ugly truth, but the guy is an emotional lightweight. Hell, a lot of guys are, but it's his unwillingness to let you be there to support him that sends up red flags for me.

 

[DarkMuse]

Ah, maybe you're right.

Blah.

We shall see. I'm resilient...so far, he's been the least fucked up of the men I dated...LOL. I'm a glutten for punishment, I think.

 

[nycphoto]

Move on to the next guy. Best advice your going to get.

 

[SweetErika]

Tough situation. I'd tell him you care about him, but want to give him the space he needs right now. Agree to stay friends and in touch (maybe even agree to call eachother on a certain day), you're there for him, to see other people if the opportunity arises, and reassess in a month, two, three, whatever. If it's meant to be and he's ready to be a good partner, he'll see you're doing what's best for him right now and stick to the committment to keep the friendship going. If it's not, you won't have wasted any more time or energy on someone who isn't willing/able to do what's best for you and the relationship.

 

[DarkMuse]

I'm trying to stay friends with him.

We ran into his roommate at a bar (his roommate from HERE I mean), and I gave him MY roommate's number (actually, our other friend did), and the roommate told him *I* gave him MY number. Blah. So now he's all pissy about me "moving on quickly". I don't know. I thought it was clear MY roommate liked the other guy.

LOL.

This is all too retarded.

His roommate really shouldn't flatter himself--he's not my type.

Bah!!!!

Unfortunately, his roommate forgot to mention that he shit talked the guy the whole time he sat with us.

Some guys are total assholes.

 

[ignis_fatuus]

Cut him loose. You said earlier that you were mostly just interested in sex but he was so sweet. It could be that he's not as sweet as you would think and doesn't have the gumption to make a clean break. It could also be that he's trying to manipulate you into staying with him while he "figures stuff out" which usually means "pork other women".

Staying in some sort of limbo state in a relationship with only 2 and a half month's history is no fun, and will likely not end well. It's never fun to break it off with people you actually like but call his bluff. If you are on different pages then you can at least say you let him know how you felt and it didn't work out.

 

[dollface007]

So now he's all pissy about me "moving on quickly".

Okay, so HE wants to "pause" but he wants you to sit around and pine longingly for him, forsaking all others? Please. I don't care what the circumstances were or that there was a misunderstanding. This is clearly Strike #2. Don't buy his bullshit anymore and don't wait around for #3. He may have been sweet to you all those months, but now's the time for you to get pissed and not take his calls for a good long while.

 

[Mary Hall]

You know I really hate to say this to you but people who are in "Sports Entertainment" tend to have lousy relationships and the ones they do have almost always fails. A lot of the guys tend to hook up with women in different towns and citys and use them for places to eat, sleep, get money or just to fuck with.

Although to be fair not all of them are dirty cheating gutter sluts, i`m sure there are some who can be faithful

 

[JusPlayBass]

Now sounds like the perfect time to cut him loose and move on with your own life. If you found him, you can find one just like him, or better. Life is too short for people to play the games he's trying to put you through. It's obvious that he's not ready for a committed relationship. Lifes simplest pleasure is pleasuring yourself first. Put yourself first and do what's best for you.

 

[sxylegs]

It sounds like a chapter from the book "He's just not into you"
The author of this book was on Oprah and someone in the audience gave the same scene that you did.........and the whole audience says that he just isnt into her.......he may be into you somewhat but not as much as the new person he just met or whatever is keeping him occupied....

Good luck

 

[Elizafairy]

I think he's afraid to be with you.

 

[phoenix1224]

To put it bluntly...

He thinks that he might want to be with you, but he's not entirely sure. So, he wants you to wait patiently for him to make up his mind while he dates/fucks as many women as he feels necessary to figure out what he truely wants (i.e. a life WITH you or a life WITHOUT you).

Or, as sxylegs said, he's just not that into you and he's too much of a coward to tell you that.

*shrugs*

 

[chris9]

It's no use to put up with his way if it injures you. If you feel you can't just stay on stand-by until he figures out whatever problems he is having, tell him so. A relationship is about honesty. And while some people (men in particular) don't know how to share their feelings and problems, they have to learn.
What's the sense in a relationship where one always "pauses" when problems occur? So tell him he has to decide if you mean something to him, then share at least the basics of his problems. And if he doesn't want the sort of relationship you want to have, he just isn't the right person for you. I know this is just so hard, especially as it might turn out that you have to break up even though he is the one not wanting to continue.

 

[DarkMuse]

Well, this week I just said "fuck it". My roommate did a card reading for me, and basically it said to just move on because he's fucked up, and all that good stuff.

I actually met a new guy--LOL. Well, met him while I was still with the other boy (he was a customer at my work). We ran into each other at a club, and hit it off. He's actually a grown up with a job.....LOL! He's nice, and trust me---we're taking is REEEEEAAAALLLL slow!

 

[sxylegs]

Well, this week I just said "fuck it". My roommate did a card reading for me, and basically it said to just move on because he's fucked up, and all that good stuff.

I actually met a new guy--LOL. Well, met him while I was still with the other boy (he was a customer at my work). We ran into each other at a club, and hit it off. He's actually a grown up with a job.....LOL! He's nice, and trust me---we're taking is REEEEEAAAALLLL slow!

Really cool!!!.

I love happy endings!!!