What Should PYL Know About Other People in pyl's Life?

[where]

*nods*

which, thinking about it, might be the 'doms' intention. It's often the way abusive partners work to remove social support networks before getting down to the nasty business of bullying.

 

[seela]

really REALLY good point.

I suspect she could find herself very socially isolated.

This I'm a bit worried about. Especially because she seems pretty unhappy with the situation. I really gotta stop obsessing about other people's problems.

 

[ownedsubgal]

which, thinking about it, might be the 'doms' intention. It's often the way abusive partners work to remove social support networks before getting down to the nasty business of bullying.

this kind of thinking really bothers me. there are as many different journeys to fulfillment as there are people on this planet. now the particular Dominant seela has described here doesn't sound like the brightest crayon in the crayola box, and who knows whether or not that is a happy or successful relationship. but there is nothing wrong with a Dominant being well...controlling...that is a crucial part of the picture after all.

some are more controlling than others, some wish to exert more influence over the life of their submissive than others, and as long as it works for that individual dynamic, then where is the issue? my relationship with my Master began with him "removing social support networks." any and everyone who had been in any way a part of my life before we met...family, friends, acquaintances, whomever...was completely cut off from me. this lasted for the better part of a year. select people were gradually allowed back in, on a very restrictive basis. initially, i was not happy with that at all. an outsider looking in would have thought me to be quite miserable, and many times they would have been right.

but it was a period of growth and learning and bonding, and it turned out to be the very best thing for US. i don't miss those old relationships and connections with others, and i don't miss having privacy in my communications with others. if anything i crave even more of his controlling presence, and feel a bit miffed when i have say a PM exchange online that he doesn't read.

everyone has to travel their own journey.

 

[catalina_francisco]

this kind of thinking really bothers me. there are as many different journeys to fulfillment as there are people on this planet. now the particular Dominant seela has described here doesn't sound like the brightest crayon in the crayola box, and who knows whether or not that is a happy or successful relationship. but there is nothing wrong with a Dominant being well...controlling...that is a crucial part of the picture after all.

some are more controlling than others, some wish to exert more influence over the life of their submissive than others, and as long as it works for that individual dynamic, then where is the issue? my relationship with my Master began with him "removing social support networks." any and everyone who had been in any way a part of my life before we met...family, friends, acquaintances, whomever...was completely cut off from me. this lasted for the better part of a year. select people were gradually allowed back in, on a very restrictive basis. initially, i was not happy with that at all. an outsider looking in would have thought me to be quite miserable, and many times they would have been right.

but it was a period of growth and learning and bonding, and it turned out to be the very best thing for US. i don't miss those old relationships and connections with others, and i don't miss having privacy in my communications with others. if anything i crave even more of his controlling presence, and feel a bit miffed when i have say a PM exchange online that he doesn't read.

everyone has to travel their own journey.

Ditto!

Catalina

 

[where]

this kind of thinking really bothers me. there are as many different journeys to fulfillment as there are people on this planet. now the particular Dominant seela has described here doesn't sound like the brightest crayon in the crayola box, and who knows whether or not that is a happy or successful relationship. but there is nothing wrong with a Dominant being well...controlling...that is a crucial part of the picture after all.

some are more controlling than others, some wish to exert more influence over the life of their submissive than others, and as long as it works for that individual dynamic, then where is the issue? my relationship with my Master began with him "removing social support networks." any and everyone who had been in any way a part of my life before we met...family, friends, acquaintances, whomever...was completely cut off from me. this lasted for the better part of a year. select people were gradually allowed back in, on a very restrictive basis. initially, i was not happy with that at all. an outsider looking in would have thought me to be quite miserable, and many times they would have been right.

but it was a period of growth and learning and bonding, and it turned out to be the very best thing for US. i don't miss those old relationships and connections with others, and i don't miss having privacy in my communications with others. if anything i crave even more of his controlling presence, and feel a bit miffed when i have say a PM exchange online that he doesn't read.

everyone has to travel their own journey.

Yup, all true, but equally true of weak and ineffectual men who just want a woman to abuse and destroy.

It is possible that Seela's acquaintance had discussed and agreed with the guy that she should become isolated like that, but in which case why was she involving Seela?

And whilst there are indeed relationships out there that are essentially non-abusing such as yours (and by non-abuse, I mean in a relationship where the pyl made the decision to enter into such a relationship FULLY knowing what was in store in the future, as seems to be the case with you), there are many other relationships that start out this way and end with women (and often the children as well) battered and broken. Seen too many of them for comfort.

 

[FurryFury]

*hug*

I feel you on that one.

This I'm a bit worried about. Especially because she seems pretty unhappy with the situation. I really gotta stop obsessing about other people's problems.

FF

 

[Stella_Omega]

i don't miss those old relationships and connections with others,

Some of those others might miss you, though.

If what seela says is true, this woman might not be the same kind of happy ownedsub that you are. She might, in fact be in an abusive situation.

I wonder... has her Dom ever spoken of her as his "Beloved?"

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Not too long ago I ran into a woman in a vanilla setting, but after talking a while I figured she's a pyl - she was hinting pretty heavily...

<snip>

...How common is this? Do you think it's ok? Should the people in the pyl's life be informed that the PYL will get at least a cliffs notes version of everything? Are there limits as to what the PYL can expect be shared? How about reading e-mails, letters, postcards, text messages?

Relationship > Bossy tantrums.

And Seela, now that I've read your post, of course I will expect you to treat me as a Supreme Overlord Master, Class 2.
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[DMConnor109]

Uh sorry but what's a PYL please?

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Uh sorry but what's a PYL please?

Pick Your Label...created to bring some standardization to the various titles/names that people use in relationships on this board. The sub companion term is "pyl." e.g., PYL/pyl

 

[DMConnor109]

Pick Your Label...created to bring some standardization to the various titles/names that people use in relationships on this board. The sub companion term is "pyl." e.g., PYL/pyl

Oh. That makes sense. Thanks DeepGreenEyes

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Oh. That makes sense. Thanks DeepGreenEyes

You're welcome. Since, you know, your amps do go to... 11.

 

[DMConnor109]

You're welcome. Since, you know, your amps do go to... 11.

Haha I though it was a nice double entendre for the BDSM world

 

[graceanne]

which, thinking about it, might be the 'doms' intention. It's often the way abusive partners work to remove social support networks before getting down to the nasty business of bullying.

This is how lots of abusers operate, doms included. The thing to keep in mind is that this girl is an adult, and made a decision to be in this type of relationship. Generally the best idea is to keep the lines of communication open so that if she finds that she wants out, she has someone to go to.

I wonder... has her Dom ever spoken of her as his "Beloved?"

 

[seela]

Relationship > Bossy tantrums.

And Seela, now that I've read your post, of course I will expect you to treat me as a Supreme Overlord Master, Class 2.

I'll do one better and treat you like the Master of the Universe.

http://www.latinoreview.com/images/user/he-man-400ds0702.jpg

 

[seela]

Some of those others might miss you, though.

If what seela says is true, this woman might not be the same kind of happy ownedsub that you are. She might, in fact be in an abusive situation.

I wonder... has her Dom ever spoken of her as his "Beloved?"

What ringed the warning bells in my mind was that she said she hadn't even known about BDSM until six months ago, when she ended up in this relationship. She didn't have a lot of reference points.

But OSG's post was a good remainder for me as well, that things can be for the best even if they seem and actually are miserable. And actually I've been in a situation myself where other people have worried about me, because of something in the same manner OSG described. It's just easy to forget about it when you see something like that in someone else's life.

 

[where]

.....

 

[VelvetSin]

This is how lots of abusers operate, doms included. The thing to keep in mind is that this girl is an adult, and made a decision to be in this type of relationship. Generally the best idea is to keep the lines of communication open so that if she finds that she wants out, she has someone to go to.

I agree with this. While her sharing information wasn't an issue so much, rereading it, it almost sounds like he may have come to you with the intentions of pushing you away, and it sounds like it worked. While many (D/s or non-D/s) relationships have "sharing of information" as a component, where it crossed the line was when he came to you to discuss that conversation. From my own perspective, while I share most everything with my PYL, he would violate our trust together if he took that information back to anyone else.

She may be in a dynamic she's agreed to, but if she has no frame of reference other than what he's taught her, she could also be in an abusive (or about to be abusive) scenario. She is an adult, but seeing it from her perspective also, sometimes being new to this can feel like being back in childhood. Many things are confusing that others seem to take for granted, and if she only has one resource (him) to go to, if he's limiting her available information and support network, that makes it difficult for her to see what is right, wrong, acceptable, etc. except for what he's teaching her and who knows what that is. If he's worried she might hear something that contradicts his way of doing things, it seems extremely insecure on his part to just cut off that line of communication rather than trust her to bring anything confusing to him for discussion.

Hopefully she understands that she has a place to go to talk if it does turn abusive.

 

[graceanne]

oh you bitch!

I call my PYL Beloved. It's not the hairy weird guy though.



she is an adult, yes, but that doesn't mean that she isn't open to abuse and if her dom behaves in such a way, then lines of communication will shut down very very fast

So? She's still CHOOSING to do this. It's a choice, whether it's abusive or not. You cannot force people to leave abusive relationships, and if you do manage they'll just get into another one. Until THEY decide they're done all you can do is sit back and watch. Or not, you do have a choice of removing yourself from their lives, but that does mean if they choose to get out of that relationship, you'll be the last person they call.

 

[YourCaptor]

PYL should know if other people in pyls life are idiots like mentioned PYL.

 

[NomadLady]

PYL should know if other people in pyls life are idiots like mentioned PYL.

Ditto this sentiment....

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

PYL should know if other people in pyls life are idiots like mentioned PYL.

Brilliant.

 

[ownedsubgal]

But OSG's post was a good remainder for me as well, that things can be for the best even if they seem and actually are miserable. And actually I've been in a situation myself where other people have worried about me, because of something in the same manner OSG described. It's just easy to forget about it when you see something like that in someone else's life.

yes, for some of us it can be easy to forget...and in those moments i think we have to take a step back and remember where we are. and by that i mean, remember that this is not "vanilla," this is not the land of equality and fairness and everyone only doing what they want. so the old rules which governed proper and improper in the vanilla world just may not apply. and really, thank goodness for that!

 

[ownedsubgal]

Some of those others might miss you, though.

If what seela says is true, this woman might not be the same kind of happy ownedsub that you are. She might, in fact be in an abusive situation.

the reality is i was not always a "happy ownedsub" (sorry, that made me giggle )...heck, most of the time now i would not describe myself that way, but that is a different topic.

in the very beginning of my relationship with my Master, i was very new and fresh to everything. yes, i was aware i was a slave now, and what it meant to be a slave (kinda, lol). but did i really know just what i was getting into?? heck no!! how could i? i was extremely naive and had no "lifestyle" experience. it was many months after i actually became a slave before i had ever even heard of the term "BDSM lifestyle." i knew about D/s, i knew of course about Master/slave....but BDSM...uhh, what? i was clueless, lol.

those early days were extremely difficult, extremely challenging, and quite often i was pretty frickin miserable. being isolated from everyone i had known was among the least of the hardships faced that first year. who has the time or energy to dwell on j. from high school or dear aunt susie when you're standing in the kitchen trying to figure out how to prepare his favorite meal, near faint because you haven't eaten in a day and were just dry-fucked in the ass??

almost anyone, if they had the opportunity to do so, would have said i was in a horrible, massively abusive relationship and better run away quick...having no idea that that horrible, massively abusive relationship saved my life and gave me a future, purpose and love that i never thought i deserved. you just can never say what is or isn't the right journey for another person.

 

[Stella_Omega]

the reality is i was not always a "happy ownedsub" (sorry, that made me giggle )...heck, most of the time now i would not describe myself that way, but that is a different topic.

in the very beginning of my relationship with my Master, i was very new and fresh to everything. yes, i was aware i was a slave now, and what it meant to be a slave (kinda, lol). but did i really know just what i was getting into?? heck no!! how could i? i was extremely naive and had no "lifestyle" experience. it was many months after i actually became a slave before i had ever even heard of the term "BDSM lifestyle." i knew about D/s, i knew of course about Master/slave....but BDSM...uhh, what? i was clueless, lol.

those early days were extremely difficult, extremely challenging, and quite often i was pretty frickin miserable. being isolated from everyone i had known was among the least of the hardships faced that first year. who has the time or energy to dwell on j. from high school or dear aunt susie when you're standing in the kitchen trying to figure out how to prepare his favorite meal, near faint because you haven't eaten in a day and were just dry-fucked in the ass??

almost anyone, if they had the opportunity to do so, would have said i was in a horrible, massively abusive relationship and better run away quick...having no idea that that horrible, massively abusive relationship saved my life and gave me a future, purpose and love that i never thought i deserved. you just can never say what is or isn't the right journey for another person.

So true.

Because if I had known these things about your life while you were going through them, you would have had to do some very emphatic explaining to me before I dropped a dime on your boyfriend.

That is a good example of the conundrum; How the hell do I, an outsider, tell the difference between your willing relationship, and abuse? And which is the better part of valour, letting the abuse go on-- if that's what it is -- and knowing that I have done wrong by omission, -- or trying to put a stop to it, and possibly ruining your incredibly fantastic alternate lifestyle-- doing wrong by commission? And keep in mind that I am BDSM-savvy and sympathetic.