What mindset does a dom really need?

[misturbond]

There are situations where I have a hard time maintaining my role as a dom. Example: I'm about to say something to her that's supposed to be serious and I abort because if I do, I'll bust a stich laughing and that will kill the mood and everything else. Do I need to put myself in the mindset of a DI?

 

[twysted73]

There are situations where I have a hard time maintaining my role as a dom. Example: I'm about to say something to her that's supposed to be serious and I abort because if I do, I'll bust a stich laughing and that will kill the mood and everything else. Do I need to put myself in the mindset of a DI?

Do you take her happiness seriously?

Do you take being the primary man in her life seriously?

Do you take her pleasure and her trust in you to give to her what she needs of you seriously?

Then step up, find the confidance and the balls to make this happen for her.
(this was my mindset when I started out as you did)
Make her pleasure your focus.
Put on your "game face" and stop wondering if you're man enough to make her submit.
If you don't believe in yourself to do this, how could she possibly?
If it's in you to be dominant, then it will become a natural mindset for you.

If you're submissive yourself, then it will be a constant battle to be as she needs you to be.
And in that case, perhaps you both need a good Topping.

Own it because you do.
Look at her. Think: THAT is mine. And I do what I want with what I own. You drive your car, you have a key to your house/appartment/flat. You sleep in your bed. WHy? Because it's yours.
And it's yours for a reason.

 

[JMohegan]

There are situations where I have a hard time maintaining my role as a dom. Example: I'm about to say something to her that's supposed to be serious and I abort because if I do, I'll bust a stich laughing and that will kill the mood and everything else. Do I need to put myself in the mindset of a DI?

My mindset is: What's "supposed to" happen is whatever I'm in the mood to do.

If that means laughing & foolin' around, then I laugh and fool around. If it means being serious, firm, or demanding, then I am serious, firm, or demanding. And so on.

As for your question about the mindset of a drill instructor - if that type of interaction turns you on, go for it. If not, don't. Barking orders is totally unnecessary to functioning as the D in a D/s construct.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Nowhere is it written that a dom and sub can't laugh together. Master and I have a very good relationship and greatly enjoy each other's company. Whatever we are talking about or doing, we both know that he has the control and he will make the decisions. It's implicit in everything we do, not something that he has to re-affirm every 5 minutes by having me kneel and glaring at me on principle.

I'd advise you not to take yourself too seriously. Take the dynamic seriously by all means but do it on your own terms. Own your dominance just as you own her submission. Not being able to laugh with your girl will eventually make submitting to you a chore. Who ever fell for their drill sergeant?

This also sounds a little like insecurity to me. If you don't ever feel able to let your dom hat slide off, even for one minute, you're almost certainly holding the reins too tight. Dominance isn't about never being the first to blink.

Remember; if you make the rules, you're the only one who can decide that you've failed in some way as a D. You're fighting yourself here, not your sub.

 

[JMohegan]

It's implicit in everything we do, not something he has to re-affirm every 5 minutes while he has me kneel and glares at me on principle.

Ha ha - this is awesome!

 

[Netzach]

There are situations where I have a hard time maintaining my role as a dom. Example: I'm about to say something to her that's supposed to be serious and I abort because if I do, I'll bust a stich laughing and that will kill the mood and everything else. Do I need to put myself in the mindset of a DI?

Do you *want* to?


If you're being what you're not so her fantasy or your fantasy or some imposed fantasy doesn't get challenged, who's the slave?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

If you're being what you're not so her fantasy or your fantasy or some imposed fantasy doesn't get challenged, who's the slave?

Exactly, very well put.

Being a D means being a D, not conforming to a sub's romantic notion or a D's wet dream of being a D.

 

[misturbond]

Thanks for the responses.

 

[Adakgirl]

Exactly, very well put.

Being a D means being a D, not conforming to a sub's romantic notion or a D's wet dream of being a D.

Your post is very well put too and right on the money. Dominants are people, people laugh at things they find absurd or funny, it's a natural human reaction. You should not have to step out of your role to do it. If it messes up her submissive moment, too bad. If it breaks up the "mood", then the mood needs changing anyway.

 

[SweetErika]

My mindset is: What's "supposed to" happen is whatever I'm in the mood to do.

If that means laughing & foolin' around, then I laugh and fool around. If it means being serious, firm, or demanding, then I am serious, firm, or demanding. And so on.

As for your question about the mindset of a drill instructor - if that type of interaction turns you on, go for it. If not, don't. Barking orders is totally unnecessary to functioning as the D in a D/s construct.

I couldn't agree more, JM.

I tried being more strict/stern/serious than I really am. It was stressful, exhausting, didn't produce results and wasn't any fun for either of us.

Sure, I've had to learn to think in different ways and let my natural dominance come out, but that's a far cry from putting on an act. When I started being myself, things got fun and easy again, for both of us.

Your partner is either going to like who you are, or they aren't. If they don't, you'll find someone who will. Take pleasure in what feels natural and good, and don't worry about being in a certain mindset or trying to be a fantasy Dom.

 

[EmpressFi]

I agree with JM and the others...

There are times when Master and I just laugh and laugh..and sometimes.. we're trying to be "Serious" and it's just funny..and sometimes we laugh because I'm tickling him


we're serious when we need to be.. I'm respectful all the time..but sometimes.. silly rules..

 

[intothewoods]

It seems like there are sometimes posters here who want advice about playing Dom as part of limited play to spice up a vanilla relationship. I wonder if that's where the OP is coming from?

 

[Homburg]

Yup, viv and I laugh and joke and cut up. It's just the mood sometimes. Other times, sure, very serious.

If you'r ethe Dominant, set whatever tone you want. 100% serious is for graveyards.

That said, if it is a situation like ITW talks about, the advice I have given people that were interesting in being a little dominant here and there is to affect a mix of curiousity and disdain. You probably won't get there with the disdain, but it might help you produce some emotional distance. That has helped *some* people that I've mentioned it to.

 

[misturbond]

Do you take her happiness seriously?

Do you take being the primary man in her life seriously?

Do you take her pleasure and her trust in you to give to her what she needs of you seriously?

Then step up, find the confidance and the balls to make this happen for her.
(this was my mindset when I started out as you did)
Make her pleasure your focus.
Put on your "game face" and stop wondering if you're man enough to make her submit.
If you don't believe in yourself to do this, how could she possibly?
If it's in you to be dominant, then it will become a natural mindset for you.

If you're submissive yourself, then it will be a constant battle to be as she needs you to be.
And in that case, perhaps you both need a good Topping.

Own it because you do.
Look at her. Think: THAT is mine. And I do what I want with what I own. You drive your car, you have a key to your house/appartment/flat. You sleep in your bed. WHy? Because it's yours.
And it's yours for a reason.

Solid points. Thanks.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

What mindset does a dom really need?

"It's MY world. Welcome to it."

 

[DeservingBitch]

I often laugh when I play and something is super hot in this dirty pervert fucked-up way. I like the dirty power. It makes me happy. So I laugh.

 

[DeservingBitch]

"It's MY world. Welcome to it."

Oh I like that.

It reminds me of something Netzach said once: I't MY world. Consider it a privilege. (Or something along those lines.)

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Oh I like that.

It reminds me of something Netzach said once: I't MY world. Consider it a privilege. (Or something along those lines.)

*gives DB a ^5*

GMTA!

 

[DeservingBitch]

*gives DB a ^5*

GMTA!

My english is failing me here: GMTA???

 

[Marquis]

There are situations where I have a hard time maintaining my role as a dom. Example: I'm about to say something to her that's supposed to be serious and I abort because if I do, I'll bust a stich laughing and that will kill the mood and everything else. Do I need to put myself in the mindset of a DI?

What does DI stand for? Dominant Individual?

I consider myself a fairly well-balanced dominant and I run into this problem every once in a while myself. The fear that my voice will crack, or I won't be able to hold back a chuckle or whatever.

It's important to have the right attitude towards your role, but I think that coming across the right way is a challenge that dominants face at any level.

You asked about putting yourself in a mindset, so that's how I'll address your question.

I think there is something to be said for putting yourself in a "peak state." By that I mean, you bring your energy/confidence level up to ten, before you approach your sub. That can mean a lot of different things to different people. Sometimes I listen to loud music in the car because it gets me amped up and when I get home I can use that energy state to my advantage in being forceful with my sub.

I don't know you, but I don't think it makes you any less of a dom for asking for tips on how to stay in the headspace you need to be in to do what you want.

 

[Netzach]

What does DI stand for? Dominant Individual?

I consider myself a fairly well-balanced dominant and I run into this problem every once in a while myself. The fear that my voice will crack, or I won't be able to hold back a chuckle or whatever.

It's important to have the right attitude towards your role, but I think that coming across the right way is a challenge that dominants face at any level.

You asked about putting yourself in a mindset, so that's how I'll address your question.

I think there is something to be said for putting yourself in a "peak state." By that I mean, you bring your energy/confidence level up to ten, before you approach your sub. That can mean a lot of different things to different people. Sometimes I listen to loud music in the car because it gets me amped up and when I get home I can use that energy state to my advantage in being forceful with my sub.

I don't know you, but I don't think it makes you any less of a dom for asking for tips on how to stay in the headspace you need to be in to do what you want.

The best advice I ever got on this was from a switch who was really almost all bottom, the most un-switch I ever met....anyway he said "I look in the mirror and try to get in touch with every *right* decision I ever made."

This really works for me. I still use it often, and not just for SM.

I also laugh, often. But I just spin it into "I'm laughing AT you" and all's right in my world, that may not work so well for others.

 

[Homburg]

GMTA - Great Minds Think Alike

DI - Drill Instructor

This has been a broadcast by the Emergency Acronym Deciphering Service. Had this been a real emergency, you would have been instructed on how to perform a Google search...

 

[Marquis]

The best advice I ever got on this was from a switch who was really almost all bottom, the most un-switch I ever met....anyway he said "I look in the mirror and try to get in touch with every *right* decision I ever made."

This really works for me. I still use it often, and not just for SM.

I also laugh, often. But I just spin it into "I'm laughing AT you" and all's right in my world, that may not work so well for others.

"I'm laughing AT you"

That's good.

I do the mirror trick too.

"You lookin' at me?"

 

[DeservingBitch]

GMTA - Great Minds Think Alike

DI - Drill Instructor

This has been a broadcast by the Emergency Acronym Deciphering Service. Had this been a real emergency, you would have been instructed on how to perform a Google search...

I like it more when you do the work for me.

 

[Happily_Variant]

Velvet has made some very good points. The dynamic between the two of you is a subjective experience that is not bound by social/genre rules, but one that evolves through the experience.