What is monogamy?

[rakess]

I listen to this awesome podcast called Sex is Fun. Everyone should check it out.

Recently, they had a discussion about monogamy. So for the gang, what does monogamy mean to you? Do you think people should be monogamous? Polyamory and swinging are pretty common in the BDSM world, so why did some of you opt out of monogamy? Has the decision to be non-monogamous brought you closer as a couple (or not)? Check out the show!

http://sexisfunradioshow.blogspot.com/

 

[caela]

Monogamy means having one committed partner. Whether that partner is a spouse, boy(girl)friend, whatever, mono=one.

The healthiest couples I've seen in my life however are those that are poly. Not to say there aren't healthy monogamous couples...just that I know far fewer of them than of poly couples in my own circle of friends/family.

I'm not currently part of a couple but my own morality is that there is nothing wrong with having more than one partner so long as everyone knows what is going on and is cool with it. My married friends sit down and re-evaluate the rules of their relationships at least once a year and more often if one of them feels there is something that needs to be discussed. One common relationship rule is that the spouse/primary has veto power if someone the other person would like to sleep with makes them uncomfortable.

I think part of the reason that the poly couples I know seem so much healthier than the monogamous ones is how much they talk to each other. A lot of the monogamous couple I know just seem to sweep problems under the rug and hope they'll go away while the poly ones are more likely to sit down and say "there is a problem."

Like I said, the above doesn't apply to ALL couple by any means, just the ones that I know.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Lifetime monogamy is pretty much a pipe dream and serial monogamy hurts children. Nothing pisses me off faster than someone on their 3rd marriage, with a wake of step kids and half siblings behind them, acting like they have some kind of moral high ground over someone like me. What the fuck ever.

Anyway... this is a pretty good\entertaining article explaining that monogamists should not be persecuted for their unrealistic beliefs.

Monogamy Isn't Realistic

Personally, i'm having my cake an eating it too. Unless the sky falls down i will be married to, have children, share a mortgage, pay taxes and grow old with one man. That is not the only man i have a relationship with nor do i expect he will be the only one for quite some time.

i just don't make the distinction that having 3 serious relationships in succession is somehow better\preferable to having 2 or 3 relationships at the same time. i'd like for one of those relationships to last until i'm old and gray and it seems a lot of people who lock themselves into sexually monogamist thinking rob themselves of that one over arching relationship which spans the better part of a lifetime.

i just don't think it has to be that way. i don't need for one person to be my everything nor do i want to be everything for anyone else, nor do i feel the need to deprive anyone i love, including myself, from having other fulfilling relationships.

my husband and i went from a tenuous, quasi unspoken, don't ask, don't tell to full blown openly non-monogamous, don't tell UNLESS asked over the past year and a half. A year and a half ago he asked if i thought i would be happy having other relationships and i told him i didn't want his consent. He couldn't give it. He's not a sharer. In some sense because of the circumstances under which we met and married it had to be this way. i had to claim my sexual autonomy. On the one hand i didn't want to get divorced but on the other i was also going crazy feeling trapped. i can tell he is now thinking about venturing off to have his own extra curricular adventures and i am happy for him. i also have no interest in knowing if he gets a gf that is a younger version of me. i don't want him dictating what kind of relationships i can have and with whom and i don't want to dictate what he can do or with whom.

i can see where open communication where both parties know everything about everyone can work. It wouldn't work for us and i'm cool with that too. There is something to be said for the good old fashioned love affair.

 

[BiBunny]

I listen to this awesome podcast called Sex is Fun. Everyone should check it out.

Recently, they had a discussion about monogamy. So for the gang, what does monogamy mean to you? Do you think people should be monogamous? Polyamory and swinging are pretty common in the BDSM world, so why did some of you opt out of monogamy? Has the decision to be non-monogamous brought you closer as a couple (or not)? Check out the show!

http://sexisfunradioshow.blogspot.com/

Monogamy=something I can't do

Other people should do what feels right for them. It's none of my business what they do unless I'm screwing them.

I opted out of monogamy for several reasons. First of all, I'm bi. Yeah, I know the GLBT party line is "Bisexuals can be monogamous, too!" Sure, some can be. I can't. If I don't have girls and boys, I'm sad.

Secondly, if I love someone, it's unconditional. I know, I know, "What if he/she kills someone?" Dude, I grew up Southern Baptist. I don't have many vestiges of it left in my consciousness, but "love the sinner, hate the sin" is still there. Only I'm one of the few who actually believes in that as something other a talking point...and I left the SB church. Go figure.

Anyway, but if I love someone, I'm not going to cast him/her aside just because I love someone else. My heart is big enough to hold all that love, and I'm just crazy enough to make it work.

I've been seriously craving a male I can kick around lately. I didn't know why the desire was so strong for awhile, then I realized, duh, I haven't had sex with any male other than my Masterly One for over a year. Then, I asked myself, WTF is wrong with me? I'm not required to maintain a one-penis policy in my relationship or anything; that's just how it shook out.

I'm tempted to arrange a gangbang for myself or something to shake this trend.

Thirdly, I get bored easily. (This goes for swinging and play partners or whatever. I don't get bored with the ones I love.) I need constant stimulation and don't like to be tied down. If I don't get the stimulation I need, I'll create it myself, and that's never a good thing, LOL.

 

[rakess]

I'm of the same thinking. I heard a statistic that said 75% of people in monogamous relationships cheat. Insane! I think that fact is a testament to how society makes relationships about constraint and and test, rather than a journey to a happier life. I think honesty and acceptance are essential and is an evolutionary process. Such a bond takes a lot of time.

 

[rakess]

Monogamy means having one committed partner. Whether that partner is a spouse, boy(girl)friend, whatever, mono=one.

The healthiest couples I've seen in my life however are those that are poly. Not to say there aren't healthy monogamous couples...just that I know far fewer of them than of poly couples in my own circle of friends/family.

I'm not currently part of a couple but my own morality is that there is nothing wrong with having more than one partner so long as everyone knows what is going on and is cool with it. My married friends sit down and re-evaluate the rules of their relationships at least once a year and more often if one of them feels there is something that needs to be discussed. One common relationship rule is that the spouse/primary has veto power if someone the other person would like to sleep with makes them uncomfortable.

I think part of the reason that the poly couples I know seem so much healthier than the monogamous ones is how much they talk to each other. A lot of the monogamous couple I know just seem to sweep problems under the rug and hope they'll go away while the poly ones are more likely to sit down and say "there is a problem."

Like I said, the above doesn't apply to ALL couple by any means, just the ones that I know.

I agree and I like what you say

 

[Netzach]

I have no interest in having children, so there's no great overarching goal or rule to relationships. I tend to let them find me and if they're interesting they keep me too busy to look for new ones.

I know that serial monogamy works for some people, I'm not one of them.

I don't think it's flawed or inferior, I just think a lot of people feel limited in it because it's the only thing that they know and the only option they think they have for a long time.

 

[intothewoods]

I know plenty of unhealthy mono couples and poly couples alike. Yay, lots of crazy and crappy to go around!

 

[Bandit58]

We are non-monogamous - I am bi He is straight and He knows there are some things even a loving Husband/Dom cannot provide

I have a regular female play partner who is not involved with Him other than as a friend. We have had threesomes before (MFF) but not for a couple of years now. We still look for a third but it's not important in the grand scheme of things.

 

[graceanne]

I'm in a monogamous relationship, for 13 years, and I have not cheated. Ever.

While I don't think everyone is cut out for monogamy, I don't think it's fair to assume because you (general you) aren't, or you don't know anyone who is, that no one is cut out for monogamy. This is like saying because you don't like vanilla sex, and neither do any of your friends, no one really likes vanilla sex and they're just lying to themselves. If you aren't cut out for monogamy, chances are that you make friends with people like you (something all of us do, it's called common ground), and that's why no one you know is cut out for monogamy.

 

[graceanne]

I know plenty of unhealthy mono couples and poly couples alike. Yay, lots of crazy and crappy to go around!

QFT..

 

[FurryFury]

I'm monogamous. I've never cheated. I just don't me doing that - ever. I thought about it in my first hellish marriage. I've thought about in this one which is much closer to heaven. I'm not doing it. Plus I'm too shy for it and crazy loyal to that one person and my kids. I don't think happiness depends on monogamy but I think it makes my husband pretty happy. That's good enough for me.

 

[intothewoods]

QFT..

Not to be a Debbie Downer, LOL. I do know a few healthy of each as well.

 

[BiBunny]

Not to be a Debbie Downer, LOL. I do know a few healthy of each as well.

Yep, I think healthy or unhealthy depends on the people involved, not the relationship type itself.

 

[JMohegan]

So for the gang, what does monogamy mean to you?

It means I am wired to thrive in a relationship with a one-on-one focus. I am uninterested in sharing, and don't have a need to be shared.

While I don't think everyone is cut out for monogamy, I don't think it's fair to assume because you (general you) aren't, or you don't know anyone who is, that no one is cut out for monogamy. This is like saying because you don't like vanilla sex, and neither do any of your friends, no one really likes vanilla sex and they're just lying to themselves. If you aren't cut out for monogamy, chances are that you make friends with people like you (something all of us do, it's called common ground), and that's why no one you know is cut out for monogamy.

* applause *

 

[ownedsubgal]

imo, monogamy means "one partner." however, what specific type of partner can vary greatly, which is why i always break down monogamy into two broad categories: physical and emotional. i do not believe in physical monogamy personally, i just have never understood the logic or biology behind two people having sex with only each other, forever and ever amen.

HOWEVER i am strongly emotionally monogamous....meaning, my heart can only belong to one. just as i do not understand those who are physically monogamous, i also do not understand those who are polyamorous, able to romantically love more than one.

 

[rakess]

I'm in a monogamous relationship, for 13 years, and I have not cheated. Ever.

While I don't think everyone is cut out for monogamy, I don't think it's fair to assume because you (general you) aren't, or you don't know anyone who is, that no one is cut out for monogamy. This is like saying because you don't like vanilla sex, and neither do any of your friends, no one really likes vanilla sex and they're just lying to themselves. If you aren't cut out for monogamy, chances are that you make friends with people like you (something all of us do, it's called common ground), and that's why no one you know is cut out for monogamy.

Kudos. Very well said. Monogamy such an interesting topic. I definitely think that monogamy is the choice that everyone defaults to because it's most socially acceptable. Sometimes, I think we've got to step back and ask 'did I really make that decision because I wanted to? Or because it was easier?' I dunno. What are thoughts on monogamy as a sexual orientation. Some people under no circumstance could be with multiple partners, and others feel that multiple partners is completely natural...

 

[Netzach]

I know plenty of unhealthy mono couples and poly couples alike. Yay, lots of crazy and crappy to go around!

QFT if ever anything was. I don't think most people get relationships "right" whatever that means anyway. And that's ok. I think close enough is underrated.

 

[Netzach]

I also find the "poly is so enlightened" thing kind of tiresome, but monogamous people have to understand some of where it's coming from. When you are told your entire life long that this is the way you have to be, when the only media image you see of yourself are love triangles in which the unfaithful are duly punished in the narrative, it's a bit of a refreshing thing to find any kind of legitimacy from anywhere and realize, holy shit, there are other people like me.

 

[JMohegan]

I also find the "poly is so enlightened" thing kind of tiresome, but monogamous people have to understand some of where it's coming from. When you are told your entire life long that this is the way you have to be, when the only media image you see of yourself are love triangles in which the unfaithful are duly punished in the narrative, it's a bit of a refreshing thing to find any kind of legitimacy from anywhere and realize, holy shit, there are other people like me.

Hats off to anyone with the balls and self-awareness to withstand mainstream social pressure and live in accordance with his or her own core identity. In that sense, I do consider poly to be enlightened.

On the other hand, blanket assertions about the fundamental superiority of one's sexual identity over other identity types seem reflective of a certain insecurity that, ideally, one would eventually be able to overcome.

 

[graceanne]

Not to be a Debbie Downer, LOL. I do know a few healthy of each as well.

Oh, I know. I just agree with what you said, and not just in the case of relationships. There are messed up (and healthy) people everywhere. Some are straight, some are gay, some are poly, some are monogomaus, some are religious, some are athiest . . . you get the idea.

* applause *

Kudos. Very well said.

Thank you. One of the rare times I was able to explain my thoughts on something clearly.

 

[graceanne]

It means I am wired to thrive in a relationship with a one-on-one focus. I am uninterested in sharing, and don't have a need to be shared.

That's me. I have no interest in playing the field or sleeping with someone else or loving someone else, and I don't have any interest in sharing. I'm too insecure of a person, to be quite honest. I need for me, and our children, to be the center of his world or it does bad things to my self esteem and self worth. I grew up in a world where I was never good enough, I call myself the 'throw away child'. I'd rather be alone, than not be enough, honestly. It hurts less.

 

[BiBunny]

That's me. I have no interest in playing the field or sleeping with someone else or loving someone else, and I don't have any interest in sharing. I'm too insecure of a person, to be quite honest. I need for me, and our children, to be the center of his world or it does bad things to my self esteem and self worth. I grew up in a world where I was never good enough, I call myself the 'throw away child'. I'd rather be alone, than not be enough, honestly. It hurts less.

Funny that. I grew up with much the same treatment in a lot of ways, and I have to surround myself with people who love me. Weird how similar situations can give radically different results.

 

[graceanne]

Funny that. I grew up with much the same treatment in a lot of ways, and I have to surround myself with people who love me. Weird how similar situations can give radically different results.

I've always thought that was interesting, honestly. It leads evidence to nature over nurture. Everyone responds differently to stuff, because we're all different people.

 

[ultramarineblue]

That's me. I have no interest in playing the field or sleeping with someone else or loving someone else, and I don't have any interest in sharing. I'm too insecure of a person, to be quite honest. I need for me, and our children, to be the center of his world or it does bad things to my self esteem and self worth. I grew up in a world where I was never good enough, I call myself the 'throw away child'. I'd rather be alone, than not be enough, honestly. It hurts less.

I'm kinda like you with this too.