"What is it that a Dom does?"

[SpunThings]

Snip snip!

And of course these same things are to be said about the dominant side of relationships as well. Varied people fulfilling a relationship role. So perhaps the question is better answered in that manner, as opposed to trying to define exactly what a Dom does. People playing a key, pivotal role in a unique relationship, and therefore they will always approach it differently. Just as fathers can fail or succeed, so can a Dom (or a sub, or a Mom..). There are good ones, bad ones, and every shade in between and beyond. What do they may only be limited by what can they do.

Nice job bringing it back around.

I think the challenge people come upon, which is why questions like this come up, is most people didn't grow up watching these kinds of relationships around them. I could imagine someone who grew up in a vastly different culture asking, "Well what does a husband and wife do?"

 

[HisArpy]

There are ways of disagreeing with someone without being snarky or immature. If you're just referring to calling someone to task for their words, that's different than trying to insult them by saying they can't read.

Compare and contrast these two posts:

As for the rest, yes I'm a romantic. I believe that if I romance her every day she will always be there to see me come home. Is that such a bad thing?

And if you romance her every day and make her stay with you that way, what is the dominance for?

So, a reading and comprehension failure? There's lots of stuff left out of my post about how I romance HER. Nor will I expand and say because that is private between HER and I. However, there is no force involved in 'making' HER stay. She stays because she wants and needs to submit to me. That desire happens because of the way I treat her. The way I romance her.

Failing to understand that dynamic tells me that either he has poor reading and comprehension skills; or he has another ulterior motive for saying and doing what he does.

Maybe he engages in his offensive conduct toward others in order to manipulate. Funny how you rush to his defense for something he caused. Or how you discuss how nasty he always seems to be. Consider the pleasure he must get for making you do something you might not ordinarily do. Like an arsonist who gets off on making police and firemen respond to his fire. Lighting a fire and then sitting back to silently watch what happens seems to be his M.O.

That's not dominance BTW. It's called using you.

Either way, he began the exchange and should have expected to get what he received. When you act like a Brat, expect to be treated like one. When you continue to act like an offensive Brat after being warned, expect to be spanked without remorse.

This may be your douchebag side trying to be condescending.

How droll.

Read my sig. Believe it.

 

[cascadiabound]

Nice job bringing it back around.

I think the challenge people come upon, which is why questions like this come up, is most people didn't grow up watching these kinds of relationships around them. I could imagine someone who grew up in a vastly different culture asking, "Well what does a husband and wife do?"

I think this is an excellent way to think about this question.
Doms are as varied as husbands.
D/s relationships are as varied as marriages.
They require two people to negotiate and work to understand and meet each other's needs. In this case with a power exchange dynamic either part of the time or all of the time.

Exactly what that looks like is entirely up to the two people involved.


btw, I may be submissive sexually, but I am no wallflower. I am not passive/aggressive and I am not a conflict avoider. Don't fuck with me too much. I'll bite if I have to.

 

[SpunThings]

Compare and contrast these two posts:





So, a reading and comprehension failure? There's lots of stuff left out of my post about how I romance HER. Nor will I expand and say because that is private between HER and I. However, there is no force involved in 'making' HER stay. She stays because she wants and needs to submit to me. That desire happens because of the way I treat her. The way I romance her.

Failing to understand that dynamic tells me that either he has poor reading and comprehension skills; or he has another ulterior motive for saying and doing what he does.

Maybe he engages in his offensive conduct toward others in order to manipulate. Funny how you rush to his defense for something he caused. Or how you discuss how nasty he always seems to be. Consider the pleasure he must get for making you do something you might not ordinarily do. Like an arsonist who gets off on making police and firemen respond to his fire. Lighting a fire and then sitting back to silently watch what happens seems to be his M.O.

That's not dominance BTW. It's called using you.

Either way, he began the exchange and should have expected to get what he received. When you act like a Brat, expect to be treated like one. When you continue to act like an offensive Brat after being warned, expect to be spanked without remorse.







How droll.

Read my sig. Believe it.

So you could have said all that instead of the jibe you originally made.

No one makes me do anything. What do you care if I allow someone to manipulate me? Even if he feels like he's using me, it's my choice, and only my choice to post in this forum. I don't think I'm being manipulated, but frankly I don't care. I'm getting something I want out of it, why shouldn't others who are participating in this discussion? He holds no authority over me.

 

[Primalex]

However, there is no force involved in 'making' HER stay.

Let's start with the reading comprehension skill, which you pretend to possess.

The only time "force" was mentioned, was here:
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=79850684&postcount=58

And...that is not even my username and even there it is said that force is wrong. From this moment on, you decided to embark on a "force is evil" crusade - for whatever reason. Don Quixote essentially became insane from reading too many books, but at least he picked windmills, which are fairly bad in using a keyboard to reply. Unfortunately, for you, I'm not a windmill.

She stays because she wants and needs to submit to me. That desire happens because of the way I treat her. The way I romance her.

Failing to understand that dynamic tells me that either he has poor reading and comprehension skills; or he has another ulterior motive for saying and doing what he does.

You could just make up your mind. You state yourself that you make her / cause her to stay by romancing her and by the way you treat her.

Either way, he began the exchange and should have expected to get what he received. When you act like a Brat, expect to be treated like one. When you continue to act like an offensive Brat after being warned, expect to be spanked without remorse.

So far I only got:
"Don't talk to me, I'm not listening" and "You can't read."

That's not really the kind of response that makes me cower in fear, because of your badass debating skills.

Last but not least:

The trust that is part of the power exchange must work to limit what others can do to you in return. That includes posting here; because people come here for help, not harassment.

This does not even make sense! You could have also written:"The sky is blue. Therefore it's raining tomorrow and the ground will be wet." There are parts in there that are true, but put together it's just dipshit crazy.

 

[Primalex]

He holds no authority over me.

(The nerd in me also screamed: No, no, that's the wrong quote. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MolWhOGhRc)

 

[Penuche]

This may be your douchebag side trying to be condescending.

I'm stealing that for use elsewhere!

 

[cascadiabound]

Can I call Time Out?

Everyone has taken a piss at each other. We are well off the topic of the thread.
I tried to steer it back round.
Trying once again.

At the moment the answer to the question what does a Dom do is: "Bicker with other Doms on an open forum."

I know y'all can do better than that.

hauling Primalex and HisArpy by the ears to the spanking room for a lesson in civility. Lol
Now shake hands and make up boys....please?

 

[EllAyyBee]

Can I call Time Out?

Everyone has taken a piss at each other. We are well off the topic of the thread.
I tried to steer it back round.
Trying once again.

At the moment the answer to the question what does a Dom do is: "Bicker with other Doms on an open forum."

I know y'all can do better than that.

hauling Primalex and HisArpy by the ears to the spanking room for a lesson in civility. Lol
Now shake hands and make up boys....please?

*applauds*

 

[LadyVer]

I was really curious about the d/s relationship, not because I live it, but because there's a part of me that can understand it, and can understand the role of power in sex. And I was really curious about exactly what a Dom does. I would like to think there is more to it than one person controlling all aspects of the relationship while one person submits. Granted, it appears that there are those who are happy with one partner having all, or most, of the control. So, what about the Dom's who switch? Or is that a naive question?

 

[Mindfondler]

So, what about the Dom's who switch? Or is that a naive question?

As a Dom who does sometimes switch (usually for self-education), I guess I might have something useful to add.

However, having seen the history of this thread (and others nearby), I'm sayin' nothing more.
.

 

[Irreverent1]

Ok, here we go

I find myself in conversations about this all the time. I'm submissive. It comes naturally for me and always has. Just as I assume it comes naturally for a Dom. But there are variations on the d/s dynamic, we all know this. So when this question comes my way, I don't really even know how or where to begin. Obviously I know. I know his role and my role. I know what I like. I know how to behave and to please my Sir. But how do you explain it to someone who's clueless?

So here I am, in this BDSM Talk forum, asking you beautiful people...

What is it that a Dom does?

I'd love to hear your different views and opinions.

What does a Dom/Domme do? See, this is how shit gets twisted. The short answer is:

Not a damn thing that the submissive doesn't allow him/her to do. Period.

If you're reading a response that doesn't directly or implicitly state that all power truly resides with the submissive then that person has no clue what they're actually talking about. Most people answering that Dom/Domme control anything, that they are not explicitly given permission to do BY the submissive, are either Tops that don't grasp the concept or poseurs that like to spank women and call themselves kinky. This is the kind of shit that happens when people read that Fifty Shades of Grey crap.

If a submissive doesn't want anal, just stare adoringly at the rosebud, Sport. Close as you're going to get.

If a submissive doesn't want to be tied up, then your career as a shibari master is on hold.

That bullshit about a "True" Dom/Domme being able "command" a sub to bend over at will? If that was never previously discussed with permission and control given BY the sub, then prepare to hump your hand for a while.

I, once, got overly excited and called My sub by a word that was on her No-Go list and promptly spent hours apologizing afterwards and had to make it up to her.

A Dom/Domme is merely a male/female that enjoys a reciprocal relationship towards a sexually oriented theme or like. Typically referred to as a kink.

THAT'S. IT.

I've seen Dom/Dommes have a complete stranger walk up, as a submissive, request to be strapped to a St Andrews Cross, and put through an extensive Sore Scene without ever touching the submissive or themselves in a sexual manner even once. sub came by the way. Mostly Dom/Domme are tour guides through (a) submissive(s) sexuality. Doms/Dommes don't rise from the Earth all knowing and sexually deviant. I assure you that few are the Doms/Dommes that went right to caning without ever trying a belt or a flogger first. Who hasn't broken a hairbrush or ping pong paddle over someone's ass before?

Doms/Dommes facilitate an adventure for a person. Most commonly a sexual one. That person is typically called a submissive. As for how that is done or how extensively either want to explore that's purely between the individuals involved. Just like a common "vanilla" bf/gf relationship.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Primalex]

I was really curious about the d/s relationship, not because I live it, but because there's a part of me that can understand it, and can understand the role of power in sex. And I was really curious about exactly what a Dom does. I would like to think there is more to it than one person controlling all aspects of the relationship while one person submits. Granted, it appears that there are those who are happy with one partner having all, or most, of the control. So, what about the Dom's who switch? Or is that a naive question?

You are mixing up two separate issues:
1) the motivation and reasons why we do the things we do
2) how dominance is achieved in a social setting, like a relationship, at work, ...


For the "what is dominance" part, I would also suggest this thread:
Dominance | ecnanimoD

 

[EllAyyBee]

What does a Dom/Domme do? See, this is how shit gets twisted. The short answer is:

Not a damn thing that the submissive doesn't allow him/her to do. Period.

If you're reading a response that doesn't directly or implicitly state that all power truly resides with the submissive then that person has no clue what they're actually talking about. Most people answering that Dom/Domme control anything, that they are not explicitly given permission to do BY the submissive, are either Tops that don't grasp the concept or poseurs that like to spank women and call themselves kinky. This is the kind of shit that happens when people read that Fifty Shades of Grey crap.

If a submissive doesn't want anal, just stare adoringly at the rosebud, Sport. Close as you're going to get.

If a submissive doesn't want to be tied up, then your career as a shibari master is on hold.

That bullshit about a "True" Dom/Domme being able "command" a sub to bend over at will? If that was never previously discussed with permission and control given BY the sub, then prepare to hump your hand for a while.

I, once, got overly excited and called My sub by a word that was on her No-Go list and promptly spent hours apologizing afterwards and had to make it up to her.

A Dom/Domme is merely a male/female that enjoys a reciprocal relationship towards a sexually oriented theme or like. Typically referred to as a kink.

THAT'S. IT.

I've seen Dom/Dommes have a complete stranger walk up, as a submissive, request to be strapped to a St Andrews Cross, and put through an extensive Sore Scene without ever touching the submissive or themselves in a sexual manner even once. sub came by the way. Mostly Dom/Domme are tour guides through (a) submissive(s) sexuality. Doms/Dommes don't rise from the Earth all knowing and sexually deviant. I assure you that few are the Doms/Dommes that went right to caning without ever trying a belt or a flogger first. Who hasn't broken a hairbrush or ping pong paddle over someone's ass before?

Doms/Dommes facilitate an adventure for a person. Most commonly a sexual one. That person is typically called a submissive. As for how that is done or how extensively either want to explore that's purely between the individuals involved. Just like a common "vanilla" bf/gf relationship.

Right. I think it's sometimes forgotten that a d/s relationship, control is shared. The dom is able to have as much control as the sub allows. And then as their trust builds, the dom can help the sub expand boundaries.

 

[Miles Long]

<snip>

I, once, got overly excited and called My sub by a word that was on her No-Go list and promptly spent hours apologizing afterwards and had to make it up to her.

<snip>

You had to spend hours apologizing and make it up to her for letting one wrong word slip? What did you call her exactly, her mother's name?

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[EllAyyBee]

You had to spend hours apologizing and make it up to her for letting one wrong word slip? What did you call her exactly, her mother's name?

I was kinda curious too. I'm glad you asked.

 

[EllAyyBee]

Hey, miles, not sure the laser gun is appropriate .

For all we know it could be a trigger word from previous unpleasant situation.

We all have sensitive areas, and if it were me it might be more about the overstepping of something known unwanted by me than the actual thing.,.

That's why I'm curious. I've had an experience with a guy who had one of my limits he just loved to push. It upset me every time and eventually became the reason I ended the relationship. He tried very hard to convince me I was overreacting. Reading your comment makes me see I'm not the only one who gets upset about ignoring the limits.

 

[Miles Long]

Hey, miles, not sure the laser gun is appropriate .

For all we know it could be a trigger word from previous unpleasant situation.

We all have sensitive areas, and if it were me it might be more about the overstepping of something known unwanted by me than the actual thing.,.

I see no laser gun; where is there a laser gun?

I don't disagree with what you're saying, and we have no idea what additional context there might have been in the situation. For the purposes of my post I went ahead and presumed that using the word was a one-off mistake on his part, and not part of a pattern of him repeatedly trying to slip that word into play when he knew it was a hard limit for her.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Primalex]

What does a Dom/Domme do? See, this is how shit gets twisted. The short answer is:

Not a damn thing that the submissive doesn't allow him/her to do. Period.

which totally misses the point because she might "allow" something especially because of the dominant other.

If a submissive doesn't want anal, just stare adoringly at the rosebud, Sport. Close as you're going to get.

If he follows your "I'm your sexual-servant-dom" route, this might be indeed true.

 

[Irreverent1]

I see no laser gun; where is there a laser gun?

I don't disagree with what you're saying, and we have no idea what additional context there might have been in the situation. For the purposes of my post I went ahead and presumed that using the word was a one-off mistake on his part, and not part of a pattern of him repeatedly trying to slip that word into play when he knew it was a hard limit for her.

It was a one time mistake about something that was bad for her. Completely irrelevant to the point at hand. It was the mistake and then repairing the breach of trust. That takes a while or it might not. Depends entirely on the people involved. For me it was hours.

 

[Irreverent1]

That's why I'm curious. I've had an experience with a guy who had one of my limits he just loved to push. It upset me every time and eventually became the reason I ended the relationship. He tried very hard to convince me I was overreacting. Reading your comment makes me see I'm not the only one who gets upset about ignoring the limits.

I am seriously NOT going to put a former lovers issues on blast. THAT is ALSO part of the trust. The point was I made a mistake. I had to apologize for the mistake and then repair the breach in trust. That is what D/s is built upon, Trust. First and foremost.

 

[Irreverent1]

which totally misses the point because she might "allow" something especially because of the dominant other.




If he follows your "I'm your sexual-servant-dom" route, this might be indeed true.

First, that's utterly ridiculous. If the submissive DOESN'T ALLOW IT then there is not part where the submissive "might 'allow' something". How in God's name did you attempt to circumvent the "doesn't allow" rule by saying the sub "night allow" it? If the sub says it's a hard no then it's a HARD NO. There are no magical Dom/Domme superpowers.

Second, Say What?! Once again, a hard no is a hard no. If the sub says off limits then there is no way it's going to happen without committing a felony. I'm sensing you don't have a lot of experience with this. I may be off