"What is it that a Dom does?"

[Kalissy]

I find myself in conversations about this all the time. I'm submissive. It comes naturally for me and always has. Just as I assume it comes naturally for a Dom. But there are variations on the d/s dynamic, we all know this. So when this question comes my way, I don't really even know how or where to begin. Obviously I know. I know his role and my role. I know what I like. I know how to behave and to please my Sir. But how do you explain it to someone who's clueless?

So here I am, in this BDSM Talk forum, asking you beautiful people...

What is it that a Dom does?

I'd love to hear your different views and opinions.

So glad you started this thread. I have just recently begun to understand that I'm naturally submissive and it's refreshing and eye opening to read these different scenarios of relationships. It helps me to understand that I need to know myself and what I want so that I can effectively give and receive in the D/s relationship I hope to one day find.
So far, the views of CutieMouse and SpunThings seem to resonate with me.
I look forward to more discovery!

 

[EllAyyBee]

So glad you started this thread. I have just recently begun to understand that I'm naturally submissive and it's refreshing and eye opening to read these different scenarios of relationships. It helps me to understand that I need to know myself and what I want so that I can effectively give and receive in the D/s relationship I hope to one day find.
So far, the views of CutieMouse and SpunThings seem to resonate with me.
I look forward to more discovery!

The more you know, the better the experience.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SalvDali]

I often equate things back to non bdsm relationships. A footing I am more familiar and I believe successful in. I think many, many, even the majority of relationships have a more 'leading' partner, even in equal relationships. This doesn't mean oppression of either party, but it can do MORE than a bdsm one.

I have to say at least in my case this is true. I never noticed it until my wife pointed out that she always wanted me to make the major decisions. She wants her voice to be heard but she is more comfortable leaving the "leadership" role to me. (just a topic that came up when we discussed getting into BDSM and what would actually change between us)

 

[SpunThings]

I read que differently. I thought he was saying that a woman can be Domme as equally as a man could be Dom, but that a relationship where equality rules is not successful. I do not agree with him, but do see where it can be...where quagmire of trying to ensure equality in EACH and every decision can result in stagnancy or failure to progress through life or basic decisions.

I often equate things back to non bdsm relationships. A footing I am more familiar and I believe successful in. I think many, many, even the majority of relationships have a more 'leading' partner, even in equal relationships. This doesn't mean oppression of either party, but it can do MORE than a bdsm one.

I apologise if I am mis interpreting words.

I think more often people work out their spheres of influence together based on knowledge, expertise, or who cares more. For example, let's say one cares more about a strict budget, where the other partner cares more about taking care of car repairs. One might be particular about housekeeping, where the other doesn't care as much. Obviously some couples are more successful than others in striking a balance of how to manage their lives as equals. Like in bdsm, the most effective communicators are usually the most successful. And sometimes constantly fighting over those spheres of influence without real resolution might be a sugn of incompatibility the couple won't recognize.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SpunThings]

I think sort of. I think 'who cares more' about lots of things can be a subtle leadership thing. I don't mean conscious domination or control, I just mean a personality thing.

For example...housekeeping and car repairs...one cares more, one has more skills ..ok.

Strict budgeting...it gets a little harder....who really takes the lead here? I find this interesting as G and I approach money differently and on paper it should cause lots of arguments......it never does. not once has. Why? Because BEFORE we became financially entangled I was eyes open and I said 'this blocks my commitment to you' and we TALKED it through and made discussions and compromises and discussed why we approached how we did, how it had treated us, our approaches and how far apart we were. g just likes some 'Frivol money' and shopping.....the urban hunt. I like to put it away and feel safe, secure and have some money to spend on something I really want. We reevaluate the terms of this when our financial positions change, which is often, but at least twice a year ( we have more than one tax year to cement this in our diaries, so neither of us can avoid it) there is equality in this, but difference.

I have been close to couples/ relationships where it is less well discussed and where to best of my knowledge bdsm is not a factor. Things like money, or what they have for supper or what gets chosen, is subtlety tilted to one's preference. It's not Domination or control or power exchange because it's only ever acknowledged in some cases, and then joking. ' you can tell who wear's the pants in that relationship' for example, or the woman rarely pushes the man's boundaries to her own restriction, but there has been no discussion. It's neither abuse, or some such, because it's choice.

In my house my cats: on appears to be the boss, she tells the dogs what to do and stuff. But the other tells HER what to do. I think there is a 'leadership' or personality between them, but it's 'dynamic' it's not the same in all relationships and interactions. Similarly, my dogs have had no discussion about power exchange, and fire dog jumps on little guy and roundly abuses him and he loves it, but she does not approach his food bowl, or a lap he is on. I too am an animal who has social interactions. Some are equitable but different, some, in conversation I find I must take a lead to draw the other party out, in others I can delight in their conversation and feel entranced.....these are all positive, dynamics of normal relationship where 'leadership' ( not the right word and I really do not want to use a word that refers to dominance for good reason) is somehow in play.

Hmm....I'm not sure it makes sense how I am saying it, but it's not novel concept.

Yes my explanation was a bit simplistic. Your description addresses the nuance of equality in relationships better.

 

[cookiecat]

So glad you started this thread. I have just recently begun to understand that I'm naturally submissive and it's refreshing and eye opening to read these different scenarios of relationships. It helps me to understand that I need to know myself and what I want so that I can effectively give and receive in the D/s relationship I hope to one day find.
So far, the views of CutieMouse and SpunThings seem to resonate with me.
I look forward to more discovery!

I'm glad you posted this! Yesterday, I was a bit disillusioned with a thread where a new person disappeared after one post and several of us "old" people wrote a bunch of replies.

A few folks reminded me we write these things not only for the original poster but for other people who might be reading through the threads.

Thanks for the post and reminding me there's valuable information within these threads for different people.

Good luck as you venture about.

 

[clistenovena]

...even just one of[bold] those looks[/bold], at the right moment.

That look over roses any day.

As I said, it's about peace. Whatever individualistic form that takes still resonates the same between two people. One is dominant and one submissive. Both always know who is which. Submission is the acceptance of that fact by the non-dominant.

That's an insightful way of explaining the dynamic. Offered me a perspective I'd not fully considered before.

 

[EllAyyBee]

I'm glad you posted this! Yesterday, I was a bit disillusioned with a thread where a new person disappeared after one post and several of us "old" people wrote a bunch of replies.

I'm here. I didn't want to interrupt the exchange. Like now, there's a nice back and forth going on and I don't want to disrupt it. Even though I am now, I guess. Anyway, I'm enjoying these opinions and perspectives. I've long since lost touch with the gentleman who was seeking this information. But I'm learning a lot myself.

 

[Primalex]

You can't force someone to submit. Anyone who thinks so needs to read a few books on the subject.

Some read books - others have experience with waterboarding.

 

[cookiecat]

I'm here. I didn't want to interrupt the exchange. Like now, there's a nice back and forth going on and I don't want to disrupt it. Even though I am now, I guess. Anyway, I'm enjoying these opinions and perspectives. I've long since lost touch with the gentleman who was seeking this information. But I'm learning a lot myself.

Oh - oops! It wasn't this thread. It was a completely different thread from a new submissive asking questions about her "Master."

 

[HisArpy]

Some read books - others have experience with waterboarding.

Yeah, I figured you couldn't read. It shows.

 

[EllAyyBee]

Yeah, I figured you couldn't read. It shows.

I actually laughed out loud at this

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SpunThings]

Hmm.

Primalex and I are no fast friends. Far from it, but i think one of the reasons people have felt positive and said so about joining is the positive atmosphere here. I don't like when he dishes it out, neither do I think he should get it so much.

He DOES have good points to contribute, and challenges some of the lighter PoV, up nearer my spectrum. While he and I will doubtless never take tea together, I have had occasion to appreciate some of his postings.

I agree.

 

[HisArpy]

Hmm.

Primalex and I are no fast friends. Far from it, but i think one of the reasons people have felt positive and said so about joining is the positive atmosphere here. I don't like when he dishes it out, neither do I think he should get it so much.

This may be your submissive side trying to avoid conflict. No one should ever be so free to 'dish it out' and not expect to be spanked for it in some manner. The trust that is part of the power exchange must work to limit what others can do to you in return. That includes posting here; because people come here for help, not harassment.

When one opens ones hidden self by asking for help, one should never be hurt thoughtlessly, carelessly or needlessly. Even on a message board.

He DOES have good points to contribute, and challenges some of the lighter PoV, up nearer my spectrum. While he and I will doubtless never take tea together, I have had occasion to appreciate some of his postings.

Point of view is always helpful. No one sees all, knows all, controls all.

Tea? Now there's a thought for a Saturday afternoon. Tea, cream scones, and a twisted, knotted sheet. Oh, the possibilities.

 

[SpunThings]

This may be your submissive side trying to avoid conflict. No one should ever be so free to 'dish it out' and not expect to be spanked for it in some manner. The trust that is part of the power exchange must work to limit what others can do to you in return. That includes posting here; because people come here for help, not harassment.

When one opens ones hidden self by asking for help, one should never be hurt thoughtlessly, carelessly or needlessly. Even on a message board.



Point of view is always helpful. No one sees all, knows all, controls all.

Tea? Now there's a thought for a Saturday afternoon. Tea, cream scones, and a twisted, knotted sheet. Oh, the possibilities.

There are ways of disagreeing with someone without being snarky or immature. If you're just referring to calling someone to task for their words, that's different than trying to insult them by saying they can't read.

 

[SpunThings]

This may be your submissive side trying to avoid conflict. No one should ever be so free to 'dish it out' and not expect to be spanked for it in some manner. The trust that is part of the power exchange must work to limit what others can do to you in return. That includes posting here; because people come here for help, not harassment.

When one opens ones hidden self by asking for help, one should never be hurt thoughtlessly, carelessly or needlessly. Even on a message board.



Point of view is always helpful. No one sees all, knows all, controls all.

Tea? Now there's a thought for a Saturday afternoon. Tea, cream scones, and a twisted, knotted sheet. Oh, the possibilities.

Also, your metaphor doesn't work. Spanking adults is assault unless you have their consent. It happens in relationships where agreements are made between two people. In BDSM it is not about lashing out when you don't like someone.

Also, just because someone identifies as a submissive in their personal intimate relationship, doesn't mean they're conflict avoidant. Submissive in BDSM is not a personality type. It is a relationship role. There are plenty of submissives who are the opposite of conflict avoidant.

 

[MastersDelight]

Also, your metaphor doesn't work. Spanking adults is assault unless you have their consent. It happens in relationships where agreements are made between two people. In BDSM it is not about lashing out when you don't like someone.

Also, just because someone identifies as a submissive in their personal intimate relationship, doesn't mean they're conflict avoidant. Submissive in BDSM is not a personality type. It is a relationship role. There are plenty of submissives who are the opposite of conflict avoidant.

* raises hand * I'm submissive and conflict avoidant (mostly, I'll own when I'm wrong or spoke out of turn but otherwise I'll defend myself.)

I'm submissive sexually, but I wouldn't say that I am socially. More... Neutral, for lack of a better descriptor. With those I'm comfortable with I have more of a voice and opinion. But all this is off topic.

Hijack over.

 

[SpunThings]

* raises hand * I'm submissive and conflict avoidant (mostly, I'll own when I'm wrong or spoke out of turn but otherwise I'll defend myself.)

I'm submissive sexually, but I wouldn't say that I am socially. More... Neutral, for lack of a better descriptor. With those I'm comfortable with I have more of a voice and opinion. But all this is off topic.

Hyjack over.

Oh I hope it didn't come across like I was saying submissives were not conflict avoidant. I was just saying you can't assume that they are. Dominants can be conflict avoidant too. It's not a quality specific to people who relate with the submissive role.

 

[MeekMe]

This may be your submissive side trying to avoid conflict.

This may be your douchebag side trying to be condescending.

 

[MastersDelight]

Oh I hope it didn't come across like I was saying submissives were not conflict avoidant. I was just saying you can't assume that they are. Dominants can be conflict avoidant too. It's not a quality specific to people who relate with the submissive role.

Not at all . Submissives are people, and people are varied.

In our relationship (because that's all I can speak to) in the bedroom I'm very submissive. I trust him entirely, and have no issues doing as he says because I know I'll enjoy it knowing he enjoys it. We have fun, some times even laugh, I mean, it's real life and things don't always work the way you think they do. Like when the falls of the flogger clip the edge of the bed on the backswing and I get to giggle at the string of curses as he reorders the flogger.

Outside the bedroom we have subtle ways to play our roles, because kids. But I tend to manage the household and make the larger decisions regarding the kids. Not because he doesn't want to and I don't let him, but because I typically do the research on our options so he trusts my opinions to be well educated. We tackle things as any vanilla relationship would, and compromise accordingly regardless of D or s.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Submissive in BDSM is not a personality type. It is a relationship role.

Not at all . Submissives are people, and people are varied.

Snip snip!

And of course these same things are to be said about the dominant side of relationships as well. Varied people fulfilling a relationship role. So perhaps the question is better answered in that manner, as opposed to trying to define exactly what a Dom does. People playing a key, pivotal role in a unique relationship, and therefore they will always approach it differently. Just as fathers can fail or succeed, so can a Dom (or a sub, or a Mom..). There are good ones, bad ones, and every shade in between and beyond. What do they may only be limited by what can they do.