What If Lord of the Rings was filmed in Essex...?

[TheEarl]

Just found this and spilled my coke over my keyboard. Thankfully it was Diet Coke, so shouldn't have done much damage (Odd fact for the day - sugar damages keyboard membranes more than the liquid).

Gary-Gollum

http://www.image-dump.com/dump/previews/lordoftherings.JPG

The Earl

 

[scheherazade_79]

Never met anyone from Essex. Is this what the locals look like?

 

[smoochypig]

[edited]

 

[cantdog]

If it had been filmed in Essex, my 'plane tickets woulda been a sight cheaper. We went to NZ last year.

 

[Guest]

tE, I don't get it. Is it the hat and earring that are Essexian? And what the fook kind of car is that in the background?

Pear

 

[TheEarl]

Where is Lou when I need her? Pops would get it! Guess I've hit the American shift.

Right, quick English lesson:

You know everything you see on television about football hooligans, juvenile delinquency, graffiti and gangs? Well it's mostly perpetrated by a single strata of people. They're known by many names, depending on which part of the country you're from - In Scotland, they're Neds (Non-Educated Delinquents), in the North they're scallies or townies, in London they're chavs or kevs and in Essex, they're gary-boys and Essex girls.

Essex is a county East of London, which contains a huge number of gary-boys/kevs/chavs/neds/townies and is in fact famous for them. They can easily be identified by awful fashion sense and their tendency to hang around in groups of five or more. This (to paraphrase Eddie Izzard) is because they have a fifth of a personality each.

The girls are screeching harridans with scraped back dyed blonde hair, horrendous gold jewelry and tracksuits. When on the pull, a female chav will wear the minimal amount that can be called clothing and go and get throwing-up pissed with her screeching harridan friends.

The men wear tracksuits, despite not doing any sport and follow their football team religiously. This means that they feel it perfectly acceptable to punch out anyone who supports an opposing team. They tend to wear huge chunky gold signet rings, usually because they're under the impression that it makes them look affluent. Burberry check is the ultimate mark of chav - for four times the price of a normal shirt, you can buy one that looks normal, but has a small square of Burberry check sewn onto the pocket. The identifier of every young chav is a Burberry check baseball cap (as sported by Gollum).

When it comes to cars, gary-boys are unsurpassed. They take an ordinary, beat-up small car, usually a Ford Fiesta or Metro, then they 'gary it up.' This involves putting blue lights on the bottom, adding a spoiler and alloy wheels and changing the exhaust so that it makes a loud roaring racing car sound which will grab everyone's attention. Ironic, because their car usually has the engine power of your average hairdryer and all they are doing is alerting people to the fact that they have a shit car. The piece de resistance is yet to come. Although the car itself probably cost only £300, the gary proceeds to fit it with a music system worth £2000. He will use this when he's out on Friday nights. He and like-minded friends will cruise around and around town centres, with windows down and music blaring. They're not going anywhere! They just want to drive round and round. Some, with delusions of adequacy, may challenge others to a race, must most are simply content with doing laps. Simple minds, so easily pleased.

Phew, that was a long rant. More information at this link, probably expressed more eloquently: www.chavscum.com

The Earl

 

[Guest]

Earl, thanks so much. That was very informative, and humourous too. Poor Gollum, I take it the above photo is rather an insult.

Pear

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Oh, we have the same hip-hop loving, jogging suit wearing, low rider Honda driving kids here. I always hear the thud-thud of somebody blaring Nelly behind me in traffic, only to turn around and see a kid who looks no older that 12 in some tricked out little import. Usually he's sitting way back from the steering wheel with only one hand on it and nodding to the incessant thumping.

Maybe I'm just getting old, but the kid who delivered our pizza last night seemed to be wearing enough bling around his neck to buy a lot nicer car than the 1991 Nissan with a broken muffler he was driving. If it was 1988, they'd be in to metal.

 

[BlackShanglan]

It's the Burberry I really can't fathom. My grandfather was fond of hats that looked very much like that, bless and rest him. As firmly *not* a chav as one could be; just a sweet old man with a funny hat.

Shanglan

 

[TheEarl]

Earl, thanks so much. That was very informative, and humourous too. Poor Gollum, I take it the above photo is rather an insult.

Pear

It's an insult to call anyone a chav. Classless, mannerless and usually with the IQ of a grapefruit. Excellent proof of why cousins shouldn't marry.

Sorry, it's a pet peeve of mine - I'm surrounded by the bastards.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

Just found this and spilled my coke over my keyboard. Thankfully it was Diet Coke, so shouldn't have done much damage (Odd fact for the day - sugar damages keyboard membranes more than the liquid).

Gary-Gollum

http://www.image-dump.com/dump/previews/lordoftherings.JPG

The Earl

Now there's a chav if ever I've seen one!!!

Sorry I wasn't here to yell, "HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! I SO GET IT!" sooner.

Lou

P.S. I once had an "Essex boy" lover. Dear God...

 

[matriarch]

I really, really am going to take umbrage at this......

Essex does not only consist of that inhuman area which adjoins London. It also contains some beautiful, quiet countryside, butting up to the delightful, picturesque, county of Suffolk.

The two areas of north East Essex - the rural/seaside area, way north of Sarfend and Clacen-on-Sea, and the northern border along the River Stour leading into Suffolk and Constable Country (Dedham, Flatford Mill), are a lifetime away from Essex boys and gals.

Just for the record Perdy and other non-Brits, the part of Essex designated by 'Essex Boy' and 'Essex Girl', is predominantly in the south of Essex, the area bordering London.

Had my say.

 

[Guest]

I really, really am going to take umbrage at this......

Essex does not only consist of that inhuman area which adjoins London. It also contains some beautiful, quiet countryside, butting up to the delightful, picturesque, county of Suffolk.

The two areas of north East Essex - the rural/seaside area, way north of Sarfend and Clacen-on-Sea, and the northern border along the River Stour leading into Suffolk and Constable Country (Dedham, Flatford Mill), are a lifetime away from Essex boys and gals.

Just for the record Perdy and other non-Brits, the part of Essex designated by 'Essex Boy' and 'Essex Girl', is predominantly in the south of Essex, the area bordering London.

Had my say.

Yeah, and it's full of chavs.

They spread, too. My area is full of 'em.

 

[TheEarl]

I really, really am going to take umbrage at this......

Essex does not only consist of that inhuman area which adjoins London. It also contains some beautiful, quiet countryside, butting up to the delightful, picturesque, county of Suffolk.

The two areas of north East Essex - the rural/seaside area, way north of Sarfend and Clacen-on-Sea, and the northern border along the River Stour leading into Suffolk and Constable Country (Dedham, Flatford Mill), are a lifetime away from Essex boys and gals.

Just for the record Perdy and other non-Brits, the part of Essex designated by 'Essex Boy' and 'Essex Girl', is predominantly in the south of Essex, the area bordering London.

Had my say.

Apologies Mat. I have lived in some of the hell-holes of gary-boyness in the past and I'm overly strident. Essex does contain some very beautiful places and some very nice people. Just need to know where to find them.

The Earl