What does it all mean?

[Guest]

What would it mean if the last four women who were interested in a man had lesbian and/or bisexual tendencies?
What would it mean if three out of four of the last women interested in a man hated men?
What would it mean if three out of four of the last women interested in a man had been raped?
Three out of four of these women were very serious relationships spanning the last ten years of a young man's life. What does it all mean?
Can this man hope to be appreciated in a relationship by a straight woman who likes men?
I am registered, but do not wish to violate the privacy of the people involved(possibly including myself).
I am interested in thoughts, opinions and experiences, not (necessarily) expert psychological advice.
Be gentle but firm.

- A man possibly wondering about his "masculinity"

 

[BettyDavisEyes]

I think that the things you said about these women had nothing to do with you personally. It sounds to me like these women had alot of issues and you just so happened to become involved. Yes, you can be appreciated and possibly loved by a straight woman if it is a straight woman you are looking for. That is a question that only you can answer. I hope this helps you out.

 

[Laurel]

I don't think you should wonder about your masculinity. I DO think you should wonder about your judgment.

What about these women attracts you to them? Sometimes we fall into a rut where we fall for the same kind of people over and over again. If you fall in love with one woman with certain issues and that relationship falls apart, then you meet another girl with similar vibes, you might end up with the second girl mainly because you feel comfortable with her. Then THAT relationship falls apart, and you repeat the cycle.

After a while, you start thinking that ALL women are messed up, when in actuality you've been subconsciously selecting women who are messed up in certain ways.

It's like women who are always ending up in abusive relationships. It's not that these women only know abusive men, but that they're so used to certain qualities in a man - arrogance, "manliness" (aka potential for violence), etc. - that they're more attracted to these men than they are to guys who'd treat them better.

There's nothing wrong with you (at least, based on what you've said thus far). You should sit down with yourself and ask yourself what qualities you'd like in a partner/lover. If you could build the ultimate girl, what would she be like? (I mean personality-wise, not the double-D cups and Angelina Jolie lips.) Next time you feel attracted to a girl, ask yourself: what about this girl attracts me? Are you attracted to her because she has qualities you desire in a woman - i.e. sensitivity, sense of humor, wit, fun to be around, etc. Or am you attracted to her because she seems troubled, because she embodies qualities present in your previous relationships?

There's a woman out there who can make you happy - who you can love unconditionally, and who can love you unconditionally. A girl who can be your best friend and lover. You just have to find her. It's not easy. In fact, it's probably the singlemost difficult goal in life. Most people give up and settle for what's reasonably comfortable and end up feeling vaguely unsatisfied.

But if you're honest with yourself about what you want in a partner, if you don't let yourself be sidetracked by your own self-esteem issues, if you don't settle for someone that doesn't make you happy, if you keep your eyes wide open, you CAN find her. My perfect match was sitting right under my nose for years. I wasted years dating a string of carbon copy assholes...picking out jerks with the same hang-ups and blaming them for being jerks instead of realizing I was the one chosing them in the first place.

I've been with my S.O. for nearly 10 years now, and his friendship & love is the best thing in my life. I was once so alone, but not anymore. It can happen to you...it takes some work, and it DOES get frustrating, but it is more than worth it.

 

[Nicole]

Wow Laurel, really well said.

I don't think I can possibly say anything more.

 

[Guest]

Laurel is Hired

And I thought I wasn't going to get expert psychological advice... My shrink is fired as of this afternoon. Laurel is hired. (I'm just kidding, I don't have a shrink).
It's amazing how accurate some of the things she said are. It's almost like she knows me personally.
Other things I'm not so sure about, but I didn't give her much to work with.

I do worry about my judgment sometimes, and my heart has led me seriously wrong on at least one occasion. Sometimes it is hard for me to trust its opinion anymore.

Still, the women in my life have, on average, chosen me more than I've chosen them. I have pursued doggedly on occasions, but even then it would not have made sense to me to do that had I not gotten encouragement.

Ever since I was interested in girls, I *tried* to make myself into what I thought a woman should want. Not *does* want, but *should* want, because that way I could be sure that when a woman wanted me she would be a thoughtful woman who shared my ideals. I guess on some level I always felt that any woman who chose me would "automatically" be right for me. It seems that Laurel might tell me that being a (supposed) adult, I should at least consider taking a more active role in the selection process.

I do not think that all women are "messed up," though sometimes it *seems* like they all have low self-esteem. Of course, plenty of men do too. I do not count myself among them even though my insecurities surface from time to time. I have never said this before but I always felt that being able to talk about problems and insecurities was a sign of honesty, self-awareness and strength. Maybe that is why I always wind up with the women with all the problems.
I guess I have always had a hard time believing that just because someone isn't talking about their difficulties doesn't mean they don't have them. Therefore, (I think to myself), I may as well be with someone who is open and who trusts me enough to share with me what's going on in their head, even and especially if it's not all peaches and cream.

Well, as much as I've rambled, I could still say much more, but I've got to go to bed now. I would like to thank BettyDavisEyes and Laurel for their input and help.
There is nothing that speaks more highly of a person's character than to care about a stranger who has nothing to offer in return.

I will think long and hard about everything I have read.
You were gentle but firm.