What do you do when your Dom quits on you?

[laceNlthrgrrl]

I don't want to give away too much cuz I think he reads Lit sometimes. We're married, it started as PYL with him leading. I'm home, he works, there's stress from work and all the Real Life (TM) shite.

We haven't played/scened in months. We seem to relate to each other in the barest terms possible. I feel like less than....anything. Never thought I'd want to feel like a 'wife' buyt even that would be something. He's here, sometimes, but he's not. Does that make sense?

I think he has something going on online, but it's really jsut a feeling. I'm afraid to snoop cuz he'll just be mad and pull more away.

We used to talk lots, not anymore. I feel so stuck and so frigthend. I don't know how to go forward with or without him. Dunno if I can even exist without him. I know that's pathetic but that's where he put me. I wish I could be mad at him or get a grip. I don't care, I want to be back where we were.

How do I find him or me again?

 

[IrisAlthea]

I don't want to give away too much cuz I think he reads Lit sometimes. We're married, it started as PYL with him leading. I'm home, he works, there's stress from work and all the Real Life (TM) shite.

We haven't played/scened in months. We seem to relate to each other in the barest terms possible. I feel like less than....anything. Never thought I'd want to feel like a 'wife' buyt even that would be something. He's here, sometimes, but he's not. Does that make sense?

I think he has something going on online, but it's really jsut a feeling. I'm afraid to snoop cuz he'll just be mad and pull more away.

We used to talk lots, not anymore. I feel so stuck and so frigthend. I don't know how to go forward with or without him. Dunno if I can even exist without him. I know that's pathetic but that's where he put me. I wish I could be mad at him or get a grip. I don't care, I want to be back where we were.

How do I find him or me again?

I don't think there is any other way than talking to him about it, scary as that might be.
Not being mad at him will probably make it easier to talk because you can tell him what you said here about missing him and being scared about what's going on in your relationship. That sounds like a constructive starting point.

And yes, if it comes to that, you can exist without him. Sonds to me, like you feel you are doing it right now, actually.

 

[seela]

In my experience these things wax and wane. Sometimes he's much stricter on me and has more interest in me and our relationship, sometimes he just merely exists in the same space as I do.

I can relate, as I was feeling quite similar only a couple of months back. We're not married, but he, too, works and I'm at home at the moment. I wanted to be utilized, used, paid attention to, but he didn't have time, energy and/or interest. What worked for me, or for us rather, was that I simply got engaged in other things. The more I delved myself into other things and got seriously interested in them, the more he wanted to get some of that attention and passion directed his way. Eventually things flipped back to what has been normal to us in the past years.

As you're at home, you probably have a lot more time to entertain BDSM related thoughts and therefore it might be easier for you to be in that headspace than it is for him. If he works and is stressed out because of it and all other Real Life things, sex and BDSM simply might not cross his mind very often. Of course, I don't know if you're maybe at home with kids, in which case I'm sure your days are packed with action and you necessarily don't have much time to traipse around the BDSM fantasy land.

In any case, all hope isn't lost. Talk to him, like IA said. It very well might be that he's been having the same thoughts, but doesn't know how to act on them. Start serving him without his asking, if that suits your relationship. Engage in other things. Try to find new ways to relate to him, maybe. But most importantly, talk to him about your feelings.

If the worst comes to the worst, you can exist without him.

 

[njlauren]

The key to any relationship is talking, communicating, and Dom/sub relationships can require a lot more then vanilla ones. It could be her is stressed and tired, it could be that you guys had been in an intense period of D/s play or whatever, and he needs time to recharge, could be a lot of things. What makes it more important is from reading your post, it appears that this is not just the D/s, but extends into other areas of your relationship, which if that is true makes it even more important. Yes, talking about issues is not easy, as I know too well, but if done in an even way, not accusing, not blaming,but rather talking about feelings and such as neutrally as possible, it doesn't have to be horrible. Believe me, anything that could come out, it is a lot worse not knowing. I would also tell you that if he gets evasive, or says nothing, don't let him get away with that, tell him what you are experiencing, point out what is bothering you and have him say what is going on.

 

[Licia]

I can relate, as I was feeling quite similar only a couple of months back. We're not married, but he, too, works and I'm at home at the moment. I wanted to be utilized, used, paid attention to, but he didn't have time, energy and/or interest. What worked for me, or for us rather, was that I simply got engaged in other things. The more I delved myself into other things and got seriously interested in them, the more he wanted to get some of that attention and passion directed his way. Eventually things flipped back to what has been normal to us in the past years.

This, the bolded! Occupy your time with stuff that makes YOU happy without even a care as to if he is paying attention. Don't waste your time or gift on someone who clearly does not understand what a treasure you are. Fuck 'im.

Tell him exactly how you feel and what's going on inside. Probably, you've already said? He needs to take his turn and address the situation. Months and months are unacceptable. I'm sure he has big boy pants stuffed in a drawer somewhere.

 

[laceNlthrgrrl]

Thank you to everyone.

So I'm working on talking to him. He says it's just work, but he kind of danced around the someone else part. Still, he promised me a date night this week. We used to go out dancing and playing darts. Just a jaunt round the corner, but it's a fine start. I think I'll pull out a hot dress so I can wiggle my ass for him.

 

[Ldy_Sea]

Sounds like you need to reconnect as a couple. Date night is a good start, but a weekend getaway might be better. Leave teh cell phones, tablets, laptops, etc ... home. Go someplace meaningful to both of you.

Another option is couples counseling.

 

[laceNlthrgrrl]

Bless you all who took the time to answer me!

We had our date night tonight. Amazing how a pint of liquid lube is just the trick betimes. {besotted smile}

We talked and talked. He told me his troubles at work (silly man didn't want to worry me, and got reminded about 'a burden shared'). I got to offer a bit of advice that he liked.

I did my level best to be calm and rational (he likes that) about my worries and fears from his distance. We played a game of pool, then drove home and he ravaged me but good. I do believe I'll offer to do the standing parts with the altar ladies tomorrow.

I apologised for my doubts. In return he offered me free run of his computer. I think he's a bit in his cups so I'll confirm tomorrow.

Signed the silly subby goose

 

[welshman000]

new dom?

you call me xx

 

[Stella_Omega]

you call me xx

Why should anyone call you xx?

 

[desertslave]

Why should anyone call you xx?

Because the Welsh don't have any vowels, poor dears.

 

[Que]

Why should anyone call you xx?

'cause he lacks sufficient vulgarity for the coveted 3rd x?

 

[welshman000]

just saying...

having been a member for over 24 hours now, I feel sufficiently experienced to conclude just how... ahem... 'up your own arse's' many of you are. just what makes you believe your desires more socially intelligent to others I can only imagine as I plan on spending my time enjoying and laughing, whilst you suck the bones of smugness dry. "the smell of petroleum prevails throughout...'

 

[Stella_Omega]

I love me some high dudgeon.

 

[welshman000]

keep spouting shit, it doesn't deflect from your bullying of oyhers

 

[laceNlthrgrrl]

you call me xx

I'm going to be nice and give you a serious answer. No, because I love my Sir even though we're in a rough spot. I was looking for help on getting us past it in my OP, and this would never be a valid solution.

It saddens me when folks see relationships as so disposable, D/s or not.

 

[welshman000]

you call me

it wasn't an offer, it was an attempt to make you smile or chill. whats sad is you all take life so seriously

 

[desertslave]

Maybe that's because it feels serious to the OP? Just a thought.

I've been going through something similar recently. A well delivered joke is always appreciated.

I'm just wondering, do you always approach situations with new people this...abrasively?

 

[Stella_Omega]

The written word... We take THAT seriously around here. You won't get far in this forum without that.

When a joke falls flat, you apologise, because you fucked up. You don't blame the listeners for not laughing.

 

[gypsy*seer]

"having been a member for over 24 hours now,"

Really??

Thankfully he/she has a sense of humor! (as do I...)

 

[njlauren]

This post brings up an important thing, that BD/SM relationships still exist in the real world, and both doms and subs go through real life things the same as vanilla couples, when work isn't going well, when someone is sick, etc. I can remember reading on the old usenet bd/sm groups all these people pontificating about how different d/s relationships were in terms of the real world, that the d/s to them in effect 'altered' those effects and I think I got more then a bit of coffee on my monitor back then reading this drivel....If anything given the uniqueness, especially of d/s relationships, outside pressures might cause even more impact (for example, from my own sordid past, being in a D/s with my spouse with a totally intrusive, manipulative Mother in Law living in our house, who my spouse could never say no to, and having that blow apart said d/s when the old trout de facto was domming me through my spouse......if it was a vanilla, been different type of ugly.

Satin, having been through enough relationship and family stuff to last three lifetimes at least, one of the things that is important is that people share what is bothering them (I know, it is pretty obvious, but still...). One thing I recommend is letting him know that his problems are both of yours, that especially if he is holding back because he thinks a Dom has to be strong,etc, etc (though it could just be male pride, too, and that whatever it is you are there to support him, as he would be if you had problems. I am speaking as the sole breadwinner who has had a relatively long term period of unemployment and a job that simply didn't work out and got fired, it really hurts on many levels, but having a loved one who shows support and sympathy makes a big difference. I hated to admit it when things were tough, the day I got fired was pretty rough, only time that has ever happened to me, and having that support made such a difference.....

 

[desertslave]

lauren, your post resonates tremendously for me, thank you.

I went through some tough times a few years ago with deteriorating functionality that resulted in matching bionic knees. The time leading up to, and immediately following surgery I was in so much organic pain that even our version of play transitioned from being an effective distraction to more nerve impulses than I could handle. I was so drugged, those last few months, that everything was severely distorted for me. Master persevered with me, accepted my disability with far more grace than I ever could, and supported me (aka rode my ass hard) through the recovery/rehab period. I seriously couldn't have done it without his support and encouragement.

Flash forward to now. He's having health issues, they cause some "I'm a domly guy, dammit" issues <soft smile> and seems intent on doing the grim silence routine. Nope, nuh-uh! You supported me, I get to serve and support you whether you like it or not. The funny thing is, when he finally lets me in, he seems to enjoy my ministrations just fine. To quote my daughter when she was young "boys are just dumb sometimes."

The thing to remember in most of our cases is that They have our hearts. Sometimes they just need to be reminded that those hearts can be fragile, and that they need attention. We have Their hearts, which need to be handled just as lovingly and carefully, albeit in different ways.

Barring that, a clue-by-four often comes in handy.

 

[SpiritRider]

Why should anyone call you xx?

Because the Welsh don't have any vowels, poor dears.

'cause he lacks sufficient vulgarity for the coveted 3rd x?

I was having a pretty down morning till this...now I can't stop laughing. LMAO
Thanks you three, this hit a funny spot for some reason.

 

[welshman000]

xenophobics

written words eh! thats due to you being socially naive and weak. ok with a screen in front of you but I am sure you're sugar and spice face to face. inept at making real friends you just gang up on people and hide behind a screen. your mothers, when they get home this morning, will be ashamed.

And talking of xenophobes, a joke, Did you hear about the englishman who thought it was still 1966? :-D

 

[IrisAlthea]

written words eh! thats due to you being socially naive and weak. ok with a screen in front of you but I am sure you're sugar and spice face to face. inept at making real friends you just gang up on people and hide behind a screen. your mothers, when they get home this morning, will be ashamed.

And talking of xenophobes, a joke, Did you hear about the englishman who thought it was still 1966? :-D

So, what are you doing on a forum with a screen in front of you?