What comes first, pain or pleasure?

[TBKahuna123]

My wife and I were talking about what might have happened had we gone to high school together. I can honestly say we probably would have wound up together, because our interests would have put us in the same circle of friends. Because the attractions would have been the same we probably woudl have started dating, but would it have lasted? Would we be married?

Both of our emotional lives were shaped by getting our hearts broken, so would we have the same kind of connection and devotion we have now? It was an interesting question, so I thought I'd pose it here.

So, do you think you have to experience heart ache to appreciate true love and devotion?

 

[kiwichyck]

Ok this is a combined effort between myself and DH amutantman.

We think yes. To truly love, you need to have been through heartbreak. You need to have thought you were in love, and lost it, to appreciate being truly in love when it comes along.

We both have experienced heartbreak in previous (and this one in times gone by) but have a greater appreciation for each other now, having gone through it. It's just part of life experience and learning.

 

[M's girl]

Chemistry is a strange thing. Why do some people who are friends first for so many years all of a sudden fall in love? Why does a certain person seems to be all you ever wanted at one point and be the one you end up almost hating at another point? It all has to do with where YOU are at a certain point in your life, who you are attracted to. That is what I believe. If M and I had met in a bar or so I doubt if we ever had given each other a second look. It's not that we don't find the other one attractive, it's more like we never would have thought the other one would find US attractive. So there you go. But we met through the internet and fell in love with each others personalities first and then we sent each other pictures and found each other physically attractive too, which was a double surprise!

If we would have met in high school we might have fallen in love if we were in the same circle of friends, I'm sure. There are many things we share and have in common. Still, your personalities have had yet to mature at that age and lots of (outside) circumstances could have changed us and our relationship. We will never know. All I'm saying is people change, and even if you are together making those changes you can grow apart. People who don't are lucky and have a good sense of reality and make the changes with their partners I think. Although sometimes it is inevidable; the changes are just too big to be able to keep that connection, sadly....

 

[TBKahuna123]

Chemistry is a strange thing.

Interesting. My wife and I worked together at college for months before we started dating. The strange thing is we didn't really set out to get into anything deep. It was just supposed to be dinner, then I angled to get her working on my crew, next it was her helping me with all nighters between shows. Next thing you know we're rolling around in a pile of electrical cable, which is much more erotic than it sounds, trust me!

But we met through the internet and fell in love with each others personalities first and then we sent each other pictures and found each other physically attractive too, which was a double surprise!

We dated about 2 weeks and then I left for 3 months on tour. We saw each other about 4 times total in that period of time. I never planned on calling her every night, I never planned on spending $1500 on phone bills, but I did. We fell in love because we got to know each other be personality alone. This was way before the internet, and to be truthful, I've never fully understood how people could meet on the net and have these longlasting relationships. Heck I have two good friends who are married to people they met ont he net and are so in love it's crazy. Now I see though, it's no different than what my wife and I did, we just took the time to learn who each other really was, not the facade we all put up during dating.

Now back to the original topic (can't believe I hijacked my own thread). Maybe it's less the appreciation for what the other person gives, but an appreciation of how much it would hurt if I broke her heart? I certainly wouldn't want to put her through what I went through.

I'm not so sure it's necessary though. My parents are high school sweethearts and have been happily married for 40 years.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

 

[Recidiva]

Their moon was cardboard, fragile.
It was very apt to fray,
And what was last night scenic
May seem cynic by today.
The play’s not done.
Oh no – not quite,
For life never ends in the moonlit night;
And despite what pretty poets say,
The night is only half the day.
So we would like to finish
What was foolishly begun.
For the story is not ended
And the play is never done
Until we’ve all of us been burned a bit
And burnished by the sun!

- El Gallo, "The Fantasticks"

 

[M's girl]

Now back to the original topic (can't believe I hijacked my own thread). Maybe it's less the appreciation for what the other person gives, but an appreciation of how much it would hurt if I broke her heart? I certainly wouldn't want to put her through what I went through.

I'm not so sure it's necessary though. My parents are high school sweethearts and have been happily married for 40 years.

Sorry for stirring you in the wrong direction. But what I said was meant as a direct answer to your question. In a way my answer was: it depends. For some people it works to help them understand (better) what true love is. But for those who did not experence a broken heart before other circumstances may influence the why and how they love. And heartbreak does not always make you decide and choose wiser the next time. Some people will never learn and others are just never lucky. Plus.... a broken heart is a different thing when you're 16 than what it is when you're, say, 35. At least, in my experience.

I have felt heartbroken a few times, although looking back a few of those times things were not as bad as I thought they were at the time. I don't think, however, that it has changed me to the point where I became more careful or more appreciative of my new love, because I have always gone into romances with 100% devotion and good intentions. If anything I would say I have learned some (!) tricks of the trade and there are certain things that will never happen to me anymore so perhaps that means I'm more careful after all. But I'm pretty sure that the love I feel now for M would have been as strong as it is, even if I never had exeperienced the heartbreaks before.

 

[phoenix1224]

This song has alot of meaning for my gf and me...

"Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken raod
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rollin' home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me staright to you

 

[Eilan]

My ex and I have known each other since elementary school, and for most of that time, we were very good friends. We started dating at 19 and were married at 20. We grew up and grew apart in the next few years.

Other people's mileage may vary. *shrug*

 

[rosebud5446]

i have been good friends with my current bf now for about 5-6 years. summer after senior year, he told me 'you know, one thing i regret about high school is never dating you.' he had just broken up with my old best friend, and i was moving away in like a week, so nothing happened then. almost a year later i moved back, and we got together. he then told me ' you remember when i told you what i regret about highschool? i was right.' anywho... we both agreed that if we HAD gotten together in highschool, it probably wouldn't have worked out as well as it is now, especially because he had never been in love in high school, and i think he might have taken me for granted, and we wouldn't have the close bond that we do now. he has had some pretty shitty girlfriends that didn't treat him as well as he deserved and now i think he really appreciates all the things we do for eachother.

 

[NaiveOne]

I have had only one serious relationship and subsequent bad break up. While I do think that the heart break, in the end, will help me I would prefer not to go through it again.

I mean, sometimes being lonely for long enough is to make you appretiate true love and devotion by itself.

That's how I feel at this point in my life anyway.