What attracts Y/you first

[Shadowsdream]

When considering choosing a submissive or a Dominant for a BDSM relationship...what about the one under consideration attracts you first...

Their kinks
Their intellect
Their innocence
The honesty
Their emotional strength
or?

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

While I don't have much experience in choosing a Dom, I am willing to add my opinions to this thread. My natural inclination in the past has always been to choose someone based largely in part on their intellect, first. 'Twas so in my 'nilla life as well. There have been a few exceptions to that, but largely, I looked for men with brains. I wanted someone I could have an intelligent conversation over dinner with.

However, intelligence does not a decent Dom make. I vote for honesty. I want someone to be in your face, brutally honest with me from that first moment. I want all the cards out on the table.

Of course, a few brain cells would be ok too...LOL!

~anelize

 

[Shadowsdream]

While I don't have much experience in choosing a Dom, I am willing to add my opinions to this thread. My natural inclination in the past has always been to choose someone based largely in part on their intellect, first. 'Twas so in my 'nilla life as well. There have been a few exceptions to that, but largely, I looked for men with brains. I wanted someone I could have an intelligent conversation over dinner with.

However, intelligence does not a decent Dom make. I vote for honesty. I want someone to be in your face, brutally honest with me from that first moment. I want all the cards out on the table.

Of course, a few brain cells would be ok too...LOL!

~anelize

~~grin~~
I am in agreement..honesty and intellect...one without the other would not be enough..although...intelect cannot be taught...but a REALLY big stick can teach honesty....ok ok ok just kidding...but that is the mood of the moment!
Thank you for kicking off this new conversation anelize

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

I'm attracted to self-knowledge and honesty. Someone who knows what they want, and just tells me.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I'm attracted to self-knowledge and honesty. Someone who knows what they want, and just tells me.

Good points...second guessing generally leads to dissatisfaction on at least one side!
Thank You for adding to the conversation.

 

[bunny bondage]

i look at them as a person first. if we can't be friends, there's really no point in being anything else. so this part is where intellect, humor, sanity, the whole mish mash of personality comes in. but then comes the decision to move forward with a sexual relationship. for me, it simply has to be D/s or i'm just not interested. so first, i have to figure out if the guy is or possibly might like to be a dom. taking things slowly from there is a good idea, starting with little scenes and basically taking baby steps.

 

[Shadowsdream]

i look at them as a person first. if we can't be friends, there's really no point in being anything else. so this part is where intellect, humor, sanity, the whole mish mash of personality comes in. but then comes the decision to move forward with a sexual relationship. for me, it simply has to be D/s or i'm just not interested. so first, i have to figure out if the guy is or possibly might like to be a dom. taking things slowly from there is a good idea, starting with little scenes and basically taking baby steps.

you are a wise woman bunny..your method of choosing probably has a great deal to do with the successful relationship you are enjoying today!
Thank you for adding your voice to this conversation!

 

[Richard49]

I have played with few experenced submissives.
I guess I should say that started out experenced.

Yet I know one when I see one

But
what I look for in a person is the same
honesty,open mindeness and willingness

Honesty begins with self honesty/knowing ones self
Honesty without compasssion is hostility

Honesty also means trust

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Damn me for missing the obvious.....of course, the most important thing is an emotional connection to the other person. The talk of actually participating in anything is dependent on being able to talk to the person in the first place. I don't care if the woman is a complete slave, and sexually skilled, and has a perfect body to boot. If she isn't doing it for me on a personality level, it isn't going to happen.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I have played with few experenced submissives.
I guess I should say that started out experenced.

Yet I know one when I see one

But
what I look for in a person is the same
honesty,open mindeness and willingness

Honesty begins with self honesty/knowing ones self
Honesty without compasssion is hostility

Honesty also means trust

Self honesty really must come before any external honesty has a real value with MOST people...sometimes getting to know oneself precludes self honesty...but when the two tango...the real dance can begin...
Thank You for adding to the conversation Richard.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Damn me for missing the obvious.....of course, the most important thing is an emotional connection to the other person. The talk of actually participating in anything is dependent on being able to talk to the person in the first place. I don't care if the woman is a complete slave, and sexually skilled, and has a perfect body to boot. If she isn't doing it for me on a personality level, it isn't going to happen.

Ah Ha...another way to explain the MAGIC...all the perfection in the world cannot compete with the magic ignited between a Dom/me and a submissive.

 

[Richard49]

Damn me for missing the obvious.....of course, the most important thing is an emotional connection to the other person. The talk of actually participating in anything is dependent on being able to talk to the person in the first place. I don't care if the woman is a complete slave, and sexually skilled, and has a perfect body to boot. If she isn't doing it for me on a personality level, it isn't going to happen.

Amen !!!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Candor and politeness

gets my attention. I like a sub to tell me exactly what he wants and how he thinks and I can help him get it.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

generally, I am attracted to men and women who are intelligent. When all else has faded, intellect remains. I need to be able to have intelligent conversations with my partners, and the lack of such conversations frustrates me to no end.

However, if one had intellect, but lacked maturity or honesty or emotional stability, (which, as I can be emotionally unstable, is an important factor for me), I don't think I could be attracted to that person. My attraction would fade upon the discovery that the person lacked those qualities.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Re: Candor and politeness

gets my attention. I like a sub to tell me exactly what he wants and how he thinks and I can help him get it.

Candor and politeness certainly are attractive traits and tell a great deal about self esteem.
Thank You Eb for adding this mix to the realities!

 

[Shadowsdream]

generally, I am attracted to men and women who are intelligent. When all else has faded, intellect remains. I need to be able to have intelligent conversations with my partners, and the lack of such conversations frustrates me to no end.

However, if one had intellect, but lacked maturity or honesty or emotional stability, (which, as I can be emotionally unstable, is an important factor for me), I don't think I could be attracted to that person. My attraction would fade upon the discovery that the person lacked those qualities.

Intellect is a valid beginning but as you have pointed out so easily...intellect cannot carry a relationship...but enhances it.
I personally could not enjoy a relationship without intellect but I agree that intellect must be cushioned with other attributes.
Thank you for deepening the conversation vixen.

 

[lark sparrow]

I am going to aproach this from a slightly different perspective, and say the first thing that attracts is Dominance (not specifically their own assertion that they are Dominant, but my personal response to them as a submissive.)

Dominance is first and foremost because someone can be intelligent, honest, beautiful and an all over fine human being, but if my internal and external response to them is not submissive, they aren't attractive to me as a Dominant no matter how wonderful they are as a person. Of course it takes intelligence, honesty, emotional strength, etc. to dominate, but they are not exclusive to domination.

What domination is, is a bit harder to formulate, but I know when I feel it!

Edited to add: Just in case it is not clear, I am not saying I must feel someone's dominance for them to be a Dominant... but that would be the biggest attraction for me in the choosing of a personal Dominant.

 

[Richard49]

I love the art of conversation
and a good intelligual conversation
is great forplay

However ....

This may or not be the first thing I am exposed to
in another human being

 

[redelicious]

The first things that attract me to any relationship are intellect and a sense of humor.

I think all the qualities listed in the first post are important, but I would like to add integrity. Integrity is honesty and self-awareness put into action.

 

[WillowPuss]

When considering choosing a submissive or a Dominant for a BDSM relationship...what about the one under consideration attracts you first...

Their kinks
Their intellect
Their innocence
The honesty
Their emotional strength
or?

Tough question to answer, as it is a mish mash of many things for me.

I need a Dominant that is honest and constant in their approach.
For me, they need also to be emotionally strong - because sometimes I am not - and it would take a strong Dom/me to help me through some times.
They need to have a good level of intelligence/intellect. I would get very bored with a couch potato.

However, the kink element is also a large factor. It would be no good for me to have a Dom/me who only wants to dominate in the bedroom - as I need more than that. D/s in the bedroom is icing on the cake - not the be all and end all for me.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Typical Sub...Following Directions LOL

My first answer, *laughing* was very typical...I was following directions. ShadowsDream said "When considering choosing a submissive or a Dominant for a BDSM relationship...what about the one under consideration attracts you first." I can be so damn literal. One thing I'm thinking...so I talked about intellect, then changed my mind and talked about honesty. But, it's just not that simple, and like many of you, I find it to be a mixture of those things, in addition to others.

I dropped back by this thread because I wanted to talk a bit about Chemistry. For me, chemistry and in your face communication go hand in hand. Playing on pure chemistry alone, for me, is akin to stepping out of a door blindfolded; you could just be stepping into an empty room, or, you could be stepping right into traffic. Oh, I've done it, mind you (the pure chemistry thing) I just stepped out in traffic, to use my own analogy, and didn't get hit. I am very self-aware, and more than willing to make those needs known, as long as the person on the other end is willing to listen.

~anelize

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Candor and politeness

Candor and politeness certainly are attractive traits and tell a great deal about self esteem.
Thank You Eb for adding this mix to the realities!

Of course, eventually he has to drop trou and show me his ass!

 

[cellis]

When considering choosing a submissive or a Dominant for a BDSM relationship...what about the one under consideration attracts you first...

Their kinks
Their intellect
Their innocence
The honesty
Their emotional strength
or?

I look for someone with strength on an emotional level. Someone who has the ability to be honesty with Himself as well as me.
And I need some chemistry.

The rest of it just comes with learning and growing with that person.

Honesty and the my ability to trust that person are most important.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I am going to aproach this from a slightly different perspective, and say the first thing that attracts is Dominance (not specifically their own assertion that they are Dominant, but my personal response to them as a submissive.)

Dominance is first and foremost because someone can be intelligent, honest, beautiful and an all over fine human being, but if my internal and external response to them is not submissive, they aren't attractive to me as a Dominant no matter how wonderful they are as a person. Of course it takes intelligence, honesty, emotional strength, etc. to dominate, but they are not exclusive to domination.

What domination is, is a bit harder to formulate, but I know when I feel it!

Edited to add: Just in case it is not clear, I am not saying I must feel someone's dominance for them to be a Dominant... but that would be the biggest attraction for me in the choosing of a personal Dominant.

Now that was a very unexpected twist...I didn't even see it coming...but certainly did appreciate the curve ball.
There is an aura about a compatible Domination and submission.
The beauty that goes beneath the skin and beyond the intellect.
Thank you for adding this dimension to the conversation lark sparrow.

 

[Shadowsdream]

The first things that attract me to any relationship are intellect and a sense of humor.

I think all the qualities listed in the first post are important, but I would like to add integrity. Integrity is honesty and self-awareness put into action.

Ahhhh Integrity! Without integrity Domination could easily become a flimsy fabric of deception..self deception!
Thank you redelicious for expanding the vocabulary both in word and meaning.