What are red flags in a potential BDSM partner?

[LeaHaven]

One person says what they need, the other person considers whether to provide it or not. If they won't, then the one who needs it is free to cancel the negotiations - and the play.

Why would that be a mystery?

If you and your guy are compatible enough that you two just figured this out without even talking about it, that's lucky. It isn't what most people experience. It also creates doubt about whether you've really figured it out or not.

Maybe the mystery only lies with me, but it is just what I said. How do you negotiate emotional support? For me, if I have to tell someone to care about me, I will never feel like they care about me. Can a person actually feel empathy for no other reason than they are required to?

Maybe it works for others, but it's hard for me to understand. I will admit, I've never been in a "scene," so as one looking from the outside in, this aspect is definitely a mystery. But maybe I don't understand what "aftercare" really means.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Maybe the mystery only lies with me, but it is just what I said. How do you negotiate emotional support? For me, if I have to tell someone to care about me, I will never feel like they care about me. Can a person actually feel empathy for no other reason than they are required to?

Maybe it works for others, but it's hard for me to understand. I will admit, I've never been in a "scene," so as one looking from the outside in, this aspect is definitely a mystery. But maybe I don't understand what "aftercare" really means.

It's NOT telling them to care about you. It's communicating the things you need emotionally. No one is a mind reader.

BDSM requires communication and sharing. Emotionally, I would be a wreck if my guy stopped messaging - I need that, "hey, I'm busy today and will call later" type of communication. Should I just wing it? What if he's not that kind of guy? Talking about it helps us both in the end.

 

[ColtonWrites]

Maybe the mystery only lies with me, but it is just what I said. How do you negotiate emotional support? For me, if I have to tell someone to care about me, I will never feel like they care about me. Can a person actually feel empathy for no other reason than they are required to?

Maybe it works for others, but it's hard for me to understand. I will admit, I've never been in a "scene," so as one looking from the outside in, this aspect is definitely a mystery. But maybe I don't understand what "aftercare" really means.

Youre not asking them TO care. Just talking what KIND of displays of care you want/need.

 

[MiaBabe23]

But maybe I don't understand what "aftercare" really means.

It’s no weakness to admit you don’t if you’re willing to learn, and good for you for acknowledging the gap
Aftercare can take various forms, depending on the nature of what’s been shared, and, of course, the needs of both involved
Examples could include: asking what they enjoyed and were less keen on; embracing; words of affection; general chat; and so forth
That’s not telling someone to care; that has to be a given for such a relationship. It’s expressing that care in a way that strengthens the bond, and helps make it clear if something went wrong

 

[cocktaildress21]

Hello community

Inputs would be appreciated. But for me watch out for people who pressure you to play without limits, ignore consent, or call themselves a "true Dom" while dismissing your needs. consent, safety, and also when mutual care are non-negotiable.

Cheers
Lili

The OP actually sums up my view pretty well: if you can't listen, you can't play. If I say no, you've got nothing. The game isn't about you, if we're not both having fun, there is no game. You cannot demand respect, it's always earned. You can't expect me to obey you until I know you.

Being dominant is NOT what makes you a good dominant.

 

[Britva415]

How do you negotiate emotional support? For me, if I have to tell someone to care about me

You don't negotiate whether they care or not, you inform them about how to give you the tangible care you need.

Well, it's switched around, I guess, because it's your sub we're talking about, and you're the domme, is this right?

If your sub can't talk about this stuff, like isn't allowed or isn't invited or isn't given the opportunity, that's exactly "red flag" behavior on the other person's part. Not to say downright abusive, but absolutely red flag.

I don't understand how they're supposed to believe in that care if they can't get, or even express, what they need.

I also don't understand how you can insist that the care is there if the dom won't show it but instead insists on then just believing it, without any effort to meet or even hear their needs.

It could be that magical fairytale mind reading has worked so far for you and yours. But you really can't project that onto BDSM in general as practiced by other people. I also don't think you can count on it working forever.

fgs why is there such resistance to just talking about it?

 

[Crystal_Dust]

Aftercare is about making your partner (generally sub, but plenty of D-types also need aftercare) feel good and safe. This applies to your emotionally intimate partner, as well as your partner in a pick up scene.
If I meet someone, and want to play with them, we will discuss what they need after. Examples might include snuggling, treats, talking, being wrapped in a blanket. Sometimes their aftercare has nothing to do with me and they just want a bath, or to see their friends, or whatever.
It is about helping someone process the emotions they went through, the physical event, and slip back into the ‘real world’.
If you only play with a partner you are emotionally intimate with, then there’s a good chance you both know what the other needs, without explicitly discussing it. But it’s always reasonable for either one to say “hey, after can you run me a bath and sit with me while I soak in it?” Or whatever.
It’s so much better if everyone knows everyone’s needs so you can prepare for them ahead of time.

Aftercare is as much a part of play as ropes and paddles

 

[ColtonWrites]

Doms need aftercare too.
I mean, I exclusively sub, but Im aware its emotionally and mentally exhausting for the Dominant.
In my case, I enjoy quite a lot of pain. My wife needs me to express during aftercare that I enjoyed myself, that I wanted it, that I feel good. Otherwise shes going to worry that she hurt me, and that ruins her enjoyment of the scene.
(Of course I get aftercare too! But just showing the Dom perspective here)

 

[MiaBabe23]

Some really useful points about aftercare, I hope those new to, or curious about the scene, read them
I think a lot of it comes down to affection and care

 

[NIKAlit96]

Aftercare is about making your partner (generally sub, but plenty of D-types also need aftercare) feel good and safe. This applies to your emotionally intimate partner, as well as your partner in a pick up scene.
If I meet someone, and want to play with them, we will discuss what they need after. Examples might include snuggling, treats, talking, being wrapped in a blanket. Sometimes their aftercare has nothing to do with me and they just want a bath, or to see their friends, or whatever.
It is about helping someone process the emotions they went through, the physical event, and slip back into the ‘real world’.
If you only play with a partner you are emotionally intimate with, then there’s a good chance you both know what the other needs, without explicitly discussing it. But it’s always reasonable for either one to say “hey, after can you run me a bath and sit with me while I soak in it?” Or whatever.
It’s so much better if everyone knows everyone’s needs so you can prepare for them ahead of time.

Aftercare is as much a part of play as ropes and paddles

This is VERY important. There are some that don't understand this. Aftercare can be the difference between a really good experience or a really bad experience.

 

[Aisline2007]

- Being overly agressive early on in your conversation.
- Demanding that they call them "Master," etc, on their initial message.
- Moving too fast e.g expecting you to be their submissive within a day of knowing them.
- Not wanting to get to know you as a person.
- Not willing to listen or compromise when it comes to your limits.
- Not respecting your hard limits.
- Not willing to show patience when it comes to getting to know you.
- Not willing to listen about your life and experiences, etc.
- Not willing to talk about themselves.
- Jumping straight into BDSM/sex talk.
- Jealousy if you reveal that you're talking to more Dominants.
- Not showing you respect and treating you with kindness in the "getting to know you" stage.

This! All these "experienced dom's" are nothing more than horny men who just want kinky sex and don;t see the women they're talking to as humans. I may be your sub, but I am still a real person with real life lived experiences that shape my limits, boundaries and safety.

Its exhausting weeding through the flood of inbox messages from people that fit these bullet points.

 

[lil_jenni]

I think the use of "true sub"/"true dom" would be a huge for me. These are normative descriptors that are antithetical to the complexity of not only the BDSM community, but the complexity of human emotions. They minimize individual experience and agency, usually for no other reason than to denigrate the truth and authenticity of those who do not conform to the perceived norm. Fuck that. We are deviants, don't you know? Be deviant.

 

[Crystal_Dust]

Race-play (that will hurt some feelings, I’m sure)
Misogyny (there’s a big difference between treating me like property, and thinking all women are property)
Not wanting to have discussions about limits and desires
Any kind of avoidance of communication

 

[Nexii]

Not being able to say sorry unironically. Hallmark of narcissism.