What are red flags in a potential BDSM partner?

[calmlikeabomb]

Wow there’s an idealized view
It should be, yes
But too often it’s not the case; and it’s usually the dominant who’s responsible for that

Perhaps. But you must always have a north star to walk towards.

And yeah, 'doms', especially of my gender, have a higher propensity to be assholes.

 

[LeaHaven]

Then maybe expand upon your statement that you are the red flag dominant. Has this thread opened to your eyes about how you should treat your husband better?

Do I treat my husband poorly?

 

[9to5]

Do I treat my husband poorly?

I don't think so. sure a lot here would love to be in his place

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Do I treat my husband poorly?

Based on your initial post in this thread and your refusal to clarify what you meant, I wouldn’t be surprised if you do.

 

[calmlikeabomb]

She thru a blanked at me and said, "There! There is your aftercare!"

Fuck. That's horrifying.

 

[MiaBabe23]

I don't think so. sure a lot here would love to be in his place

I would say there’s a distinction between someone who might use, push, even torment, deny their partner / sub etc from a position of caring/ love/ whatever it might be - which would then not be poor treatment, but an attempt to meet their needs as they understand them - and have discussed them - compared to the seemingly flippant attitude of LeaH about actual poor treatment

 

[LeaHaven]

Based on your initial post in this thread and your refusal to clarify what you meant, I wouldn’t be surprised if you do.

I don't have an obligation to explain myself to someone making unfair assumptions.

I have a thread on these forums. It follows a little over two years of me trying to figure out what my husband wanted from our sex life and how I went about finding ways to accommodate his desires without sacrificing my own values. Does that sound like a woman who treats her husband poorly?

There is a link to my thread in my profile. The thread is titled, "Leahaven." It's in the BDSM Cafe.

 

[ebony_pussy]

Rap sheet.

 

[ebony_pussy]

Rap sheet.

Trust me on this one.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I don't have an obligation to explain myself to someone making unfair assumptions.

I have a thread on these forums. It follows a little over two years of me trying to figure out what my husband wanted from our sex life and how I went about finding ways to accommodate his desires without sacrificing my own values. Does that sound like a woman who treats her husband poorly?

There is a link to my thread in my profile. The thread is titled, "Leahaven." It's in the BDSM Cafe.

I moderate the forum. I’m aware of your thread. I do question the judgement of a dominant person who would make light of red flags in a thread about red flags. You do you, but don’t be surprised when others pass judgement.

 

[RogerThat208]

@LeaHaven, as happens elsewhere in life too, it seems you've stumbled a bit late and awkwardly late into a conversation where you don't fully understand the topic being discussed. (That's happens a lot to me in real life too, thanks to my own myopic confidence in my Male awesomeness, lol.)

I've too have followed your lengthy thread candidly detailing how your loving young "vanilla" marriage has slowly transitioned to a FLR/hotwife lifestyle.

A key them through all of your published adventures though is your hubby's loving and clearly aroused blessing and support for your kinky fuckery outside of your marriage (and your recent boob job too, I suspect.)

But this thread doesn't really have much to do with any of that though. Instead, this thread is about BDSM as a sexual practice, lifestyle, or culture, which is quite a bit more extreme—and thus has different challenges and potential pitfalls—than what you and your hubby have been dabbling in.

I also suspect, based on your own previous posts here, that BDSM a topic you don't really know much about (yet.)

The discussion that you replied to was about establishing BDSM scene limits and the submissive receiving much-needed emotional aftercare after these intense experiences. These BDSM "scenes" often occur beyond the scope of a loving marriage or partnership, kinky or otherwise—such as what you and your beloved Robbie seem to already share.

So, with all of that BDSM practice-related info in mind, the conversation below does read as a red flag, especially from a submissive's perspective.

In your own words below, you basically suggested that you're a cruel dominant woman who doesn't care about your submissive husband's boundaries and feelings, that you think it's appropriate to treat him that way, and that you're not at all interested in justifying that to anyone else.

I only took the time, energy, and effort to explain all of this because I'm pretty sure this isn't really your slutty dominant keyholding and cuckolding hotwife vibe. (No offense intended, lol.)

I dated a lady that was cruel didn’t ask if I had boundaries and didn’t give a thought to aftercare.

My poor husband is married to that woman

I’m not understanding this reply nor the heart reacts to it. Why post proudly of being a red flag dominant? This thread is intended to help people learn what is not acceptable or healthy in a BDSM relationship.

If you and your husband enjoy this and it’s an agreed upon, consensual kink, then cool. But it’s a red flag in any other scenario and shouldn’t be minimized.

Do I treat my husband poorly?

Based on your initial post in this thread and your refusal to clarify what you meant, I wouldn’t be surprised if you do.

I don't have an obligation to explain myself to someone making unfair assumptions.

 

[RogerThat208]

someone who doesnt realize that in a true dynamic, the sub is actually the one in technical control

Agree. But not clear if you're affirming the OP's statement or challenging it.

Personally I'm hoping for the latter.

I'm convinced the OP is/was a poser from the start, and made his/her/their series of posts here asking weird questions like this—with what should be obvious answers—just to garner attention from thirsty male subs with credit cards.

 

[RogerThat208]

Perhaps. But you must always have a north star to walk towards.

And yeah, 'doms', especially of my gender, have a higher propensity to be assholes.

WTF does this even mean?

What "north star", exactly? Feel free to be specific.

And why should one—especially the more intelligent ones— always walk towards it, instead of running way like smart people do when the flames of life are torching their combustible asses? (Been there, and burnt that, LOL.)

No offense, but that stuff about "doms, especially of my gender, have a higher propensity to be assholes" is also pure bullshit.

Human assholes are everywhere in this life. If you disagree, feel free to offer your evidence to prove it.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I'm not of the idea that submissives have the control in this dynamic, and that's nothing new. We enter an agreement and give our power to someone else in this exchange. "The sub can call it off at any time, though!" So can the Dom/Domme.

As far as a Dom being an asshole, I would question his domliness. I understand that not all doms fit each person, there's always finding one compatible to you. But, this is why it's so very important to take them time to get to know them, long before sex, long before a power exchange.

 

[MiaBabe23]

WTF does this even mean?

What "north star", exactly? Feel free to be specific.

And why should one—especially the more intelligent ones— always walk towards it, instead of running way like smart people do when the flames of life are torching their combustible asses? (Been there, and burnt that, LOL.)

No offense, but that stuff about "doms, especially of my gender, have a higher propensity to be assholes" is also pure bullshit.

Human assholes are everywhere in this life. If you disagree, feel free to offer your evidence to prove it.

You’re definitely right that gender isn’t what determines assholery
But from everything I’ve seen and read, here and elsewhere, there are just far more male dominants than female, which then brings in those determined to use it as a way to seem masculine, as well as the various types of fake dominants, with a general lack of understanding of the lifestyle - all of which makes it unsurprising that there’s a higher proportion of males among the assholes…

 

[LeaHaven]

@LeaHaven, as happens elsewhere in life too, it seems you've stumbled a bit late and awkwardly late into a conversation where you don't fully understand the topic being discussed. (That's happens a lot to me in real life too, thanks to my own myopic confidence in my Male awesomeness, lol.)

I've too have followed your lengthy thread candidly detailing how your loving young "vanilla" marriage has slowly transitioned to a FLR/hotwife lifestyle.

A key them through all of your published adventures though is your hubby's loving and clearly aroused blessing and support for your kinky fuckery outside of your marriage (and your recent boob job too, I suspect.)

But this thread doesn't really have much to do with any of that though. Instead, this thread is about BDSM as a sexual practice, lifestyle, or culture, which is quite a bit more extreme—and thus has different challenges and potential pitfalls—than what you and your hubby have been dabbling in.

I also suspect, based on your own previous posts here, that BDSM a topic you don't really know much about (yet.)

The discussion that you replied to was about establishing BDSM scene limits and the submissive receiving much-needed emotional aftercare after these intense experiences. These BDSM "scenes" often occur beyond the scope of a loving marriage or partnership, kinky or otherwise—such as what you and your beloved Robbie seem to already share.

So, with all of that BDSM practice-related info in mind, the conversation below does read as a red flag, especially from a submissive's perspective.

In your own words below, you basically suggested that you're a cruel dominant woman who doesn't care about your submissive husband's boundaries and feelings, that you think it's appropriate to treat him that way, and that you're not at all interested in justifying that to anyone else.

I only took the time, energy, and effort to explain all of this because I'm pretty sure this isn't really your slutty dominant keyholding and cuckolding hotwife vibe. (No offense intended, lol.)

Hello RogerThat208. I appreciate your efforts to explain. And my apologies to ToPleaseHim. My dad used to say things like, "Where have you been?" And then he would immediately accuse me of doing bad things, when he readily admitted that he didn't know where I had been. I eventually became belligerent with my dad when he did that, and unfortunately, I have a bad habit of resorting to that attitude whenever I am unfairly accused.

However, I am not as uninformed as you might think. I have been reading up on "mainstream" BDSM quite a bit in the past few months. I find a lot of it very appealing. But one thing that causes me high anxiety is knowing that there are people in the lifestyle that need to be told of the red flags listed at the beginning of this thread. It scares me to think that someone would put their self in a scene with someone who they have to negotiate aftercare with. In my opinion, if you don't know if a person is capable of emotional support, and you let them tie you up and beat you, then YOU are the red flag, not the dominant.

I've never asked Robbie what his boundaries are. I don't need to. And for us, "aftercare" is a fundamental characteristic of our 17-year relationship. It is not a premeditated part of a "scene." How can anyone possibly negotiate emotional support?

The whole "scene" part of BDSM with a stranger is the part I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around. It's hard for me to imagine taking those sorts of risks with someone I don't know. On the other hand, I can see where taking this kind of risk feels or appears "edgy," and I guess people like to seem daring.

I apologize for being belligerent, but I was trying to make a point. I've never asked Robbie what his boundaries are. I don't need to, and for us, aftercare is our everyday effort at being a loving spouse. So are Robbie and I BDSM, or is a staged scene BDSM, or are these two very different situations opposite ends of the same stick? Who gets to decide?

 

[subdudeme13]

Red flags are not exclusive to BDSM relationships. There are several good discussions on FetLife. I have been lucky considering I prefer sadist.

 

[MiaBabe23]

Hello RogerThat208. I appreciate your efforts to explain. And my apologies to ToPleaseHim. My dad used to say things like, "Where have you been?" And then he would immediately accuse me of doing bad things, when he readily admitted that he didn't know where I had been. I eventually became belligerent with my dad when he did that, and unfortunately, I have a bad habit of resorting to that attitude whenever I am unfairly accused.

However, I am not as uninformed as you might think. I have been reading up on "mainstream" BDSM quite a bit in the past few months. I find a lot of it very appealing. But one thing that causes me high anxiety is knowing that there are people in the lifestyle that need to be told of the red flags listed at the beginning of this thread. It scares me to think that someone would put their self in a scene with someone who they have to negotiate aftercare with. In my opinion, if you don't know if a person is capable of emotional support, and you let them tie you up and beat you, then YOU are the red flag, not the dominant.

We can be fairly certain that at least one of his boundaries is to not be named on a sex site that he doesn’t know his proclivities and (mis)treatment are being discussed on
But you wouldn’t know, because you haven’t bothered to ask him, have you
I can tell you for sure - anyone asking all these questions as if rhetorical - they’re not - while bragging about not asking about boundaries as if that failure is a trophy, really needs to either read the material being offered, or acknowledge what was hopefully merely a flippant comment to try to attract attention
Because if everything you’re saying is true, I will just say for anyone new to and curious about bdsm - LeaH is all kinda red flags

 

[LeaHaven]

We can be fairly certain that at least one of his boundaries is to not be named on a sex site that he doesn’t know his proclivities and (mis)treatment are being discussed on
But you wouldn’t know, because you haven’t bothered to ask him, have you
I can tell you for sure - anyone asking all these questions as if rhetorical - they’re not - while bragging about not asking about boundaries as if that failure is a trophy, really needs to either read the material being offered, or acknowledge what was hopefully merely a flippant comment to try to attract attention
Because if everything you’re saying is true, I will just say for anyone new to and curious about bdsm - LeaH is all kinda red flags

"Robbie" is not his real name.

 

[untamedmind]

When chatting online with prospective subs I try to learn as much as possible upfront. There have been too many people that for some reason say they are submissive but are truly dominant as they want to call all the shots.
I get that everyone has in their own mind what they fantasize being submissive is and it has to be erotic for both parties.
I do try and figure out where their line in the sand is, what they will and will not do. Trust is such a big factor in this type of play if you are being smart about it.

My biggest warning for submissives is do not fall for a narcissist. They are the worst kind of person to be involved with and even worse if they are an alcoholic.
Know up front narcissist behaviors so you can spot them before you get sucked into their spiderweb of deception. They will cut you off from your family, friends and the outside world.
If you have questions I will be happy to chat what my experiences have taught me

When chatting online with prospective subs I try to learn as much as possible upfront. There have been too many people that for some reason say they are submissive but are truly dominant as they want to call all the shots.
I get that everyone has in their own mind what they fantasize being submissive is and it has to be erotic for both parties.
I do try and figure out where their line in the sand is, what they will and will not do. Trust is such a big factor in this type of play if you are being smart about it.

My biggest warning for submissives is do not fall for a narcissist. They are the worst kind of person to be involved with and even worse if they are an alcoholic.
Know up front narcissist behaviors so you can spot them before you get sucked into their spiderweb of deception. They will cut you off from your family, friends and the outside world.
If you have questions I will be happy to chat what my experiences have taught me

"There have been too many people that for some reason say they are submissive but are truly dominant as they want to call all the shots."

as a sub, this goes the other way too. many guys out there will say they are Dominant just to get in, when deep down, they are actually hiding being submissive themselves. which, once it becomes obvious, is a HUGE turn off for a sub who wants a true Dom. why do that to someone? its so stupid.

 

[MiaBabe23]

"There have been too many people that for some reason say they are submissive but are truly dominant as they want to call all the shots."

as a sub, this goes the other way too. many guys out there will say they are Dominant just to get in, when deep down, they are actually hiding being submissive themselves. which, once it becomes obvious, is a HUGE turn off for a sub who wants a true Dom. why do that to someone? its so stupid.

I don’t think it’s necessarily as much of a dichotomy as you both suggest
A dominant with a submissive side is far better able to understand the dynamic, and the experiences and needs of a sub, than someone who insists they’re such a hardass that they could never do anything but control
Likewise, a submissive with experience of dominating can better understand how to communicate needs and limits - as well as both having an insight into each other’s joy
And yes, there are submissives who only want to submit. But of the inflexible dominants I’ve seen, they all too often have a set process, and expect the sub to fit into that
Obviously everyone has different needs, but I think it’s far more fun having the unpredictability of someone with both edges

 

[Britva415]

How can anyone possibly negotiate emotional support?

One person says what they need, the other person considers whether to provide it or not. If they won't, then the one who needs it is free to cancel the negotiations - and the play.

Why would that be a mystery?

If you and your guy are compatible enough that you two just figured this out without even talking about it, that's lucky. It isn't what most people experience. It also creates doubt about whether you've really figured it out or not.

 

[barefootgirl69]

"There have been too many people that for some reason say they are submissive but are truly dominant as they want to call all the shots."

I understood this to mean topping from the bottom, not just being a switch - which is what I think @untamedmind is referring to.

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Both can be a huge turn-off, but that's why it's important to spend so much time talking and getting to know one another before consenting to this type of dynamic.

 

[untamedmind]

I actually don’t agree with that. I believe that it’s the dynamic, the pairing, that’s in control. I say this as a switch.

I don’t think it’s necessarily as much of a dichotomy as you both suggest
A dominant with a submissive side is far better able to understand the dynamic, and the experiences and needs of a sub, than someone who insists they’re such a hardass that they could never do anything but control
Likewise, a submissive with experience of dominating can better understand how to communicate needs and limits - as well as both having an insight into each other’s joy
And yes, there are submissives who only want to submit. But of the inflexible dominants I’ve seen, they all too often have a set process, and expect the sub to fit into that
Obviously everyone has different needs, but I think it’s far more fun having the unpredictability of someone with both edges

speaking from a strictly submitting viewpoint, if a Dom suddenly acted submissive, it would make things difficult for me.

 

[MiaBabe23]

speaking from a strictly submitting viewpoint, if a Dom suddenly acted submissive, it would make things difficult for me.

I understand, absolutely, Particularly if subspace happens, that wouldn’t be appreciated
And to clarify, I wasn’t talking about mid-interaction, but about experience or interest in both sides of the experience