SapphoLust
Virgin
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11
new writer looking for any feedback.
\ Be as specific as you want to.
thick skinned.
\ Be as specific as you want to.
thick skinned.
want feedback
- Thread starter SapphoLust
- Start date
Wicked-N-Erotic
Wicked As I Wanna Be
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2002
- Posts
- 1,095
Please add a link to what you want feedback on so we don't have to chase it down.
Thanks
Wicked
Thanks
Wicked
SapphoLust
Virgin
- Joined
- Jul 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11
feed back on "Liz and Val"
feedback wanted on "Liz and Val"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=64325&page=1
feedback wanted on "Liz and Val"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=64325&page=1
Wicked-N-Erotic
Wicked As I Wanna Be
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2002
- Posts
- 1,095
aside from a few sentences being too long your story was very nicely written. Keep up the good work.
Wicked
Wicked
BigTexan
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2002
- Posts
- 268
SapphoLust said:
Please take this as I intend. Not as hurtful, but hopefully helpfull.
First, you have a wonderful imagination and it shows in your writing. Your story was concieved well and flowed smoothly. The sex scenes were erotic and very enjoyable.
However, the story had a lot space where the narrator was telling the reader things. It is usually best to show the reader instead of telling.
Liz knew they had a big client coming up in Catherine d'Fleur, a French Canadian who had many younger friends approaching that age when marriage became popular. Liz was supposed to meet Ms. Fleur with Val coming in a bit later in the meeting. Liz had done her homework and had many things to recommend to the bride to-be and her family if she brought them along. She didn't mind if her partner was late to this meeting in fact, she was hoping to meet and greet the lovely French bride alone.
Take this paragraph. Here the narrator TELLS us everything. We aren't shown anything.
Now look at this:
Liz waited for Catherine d'Fleur, a prospective French Canadian client, and went over the list of recommendations she would make. Val would be late for the meeting, but Liz didn't mind, she was looking forward to meeting a client alone.
Okay, so I'm not a great writer, but maybe it shows what I mean a little. We see that she did her homework because she is going over her list of recommendations. This is one way of showing without telling.
The only other comment I would make is that there were times in the story when you gave me more information than was needed. Telling me things that weren't really necessary for the story. Those things are distracting and should be taken out during editing.
Still, overall, it was a very good story. Good luck with your writing, keep it up, you have lots of talent and I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
BigTexan
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
- Posts
- 389
Hello saffolust,
I have to agree with everything Big Texan has said about your story.
Val was single, and older than Liz, but shared a duplex with her half brother Ronnie. Ronnie was a senior at the local college who attracted many of the most gorgeous women to his bottom part of the duplex for major sex romps and parties. Just the other night, Val had almost walked in on Ronnie and another beautiful woman and got a glimpse of a most alluring blonde with large tits. They were probably implants, but she had a great figure too and well tanned from the beach. Ronnie had a daysailor and invited Liz and Val out occasionally to break up the beach scene, and be decent to his half sister.
The only thing I can add is; I found the number of propernouns used instead of pronouns distracting. I think a few times they could have been dropped all together. Take the paragraph above. 'Val' gets a mention three times, 'Liz' twice, and 'Ronnie'... fours times. Particularly since Ronnie is the only male here, 'he' could have been slipped in easily.
I know this sounds picky as hell, but you did ask for specifics, and that's just what jumped out at me.
Otherwise this a good and enjoyable little read.
I wish you well with your future writing.
Have a great day now,
Alex (fem)
I have to agree with everything Big Texan has said about your story.
Val was single, and older than Liz, but shared a duplex with her half brother Ronnie. Ronnie was a senior at the local college who attracted many of the most gorgeous women to his bottom part of the duplex for major sex romps and parties. Just the other night, Val had almost walked in on Ronnie and another beautiful woman and got a glimpse of a most alluring blonde with large tits. They were probably implants, but she had a great figure too and well tanned from the beach. Ronnie had a daysailor and invited Liz and Val out occasionally to break up the beach scene, and be decent to his half sister.
The only thing I can add is; I found the number of propernouns used instead of pronouns distracting. I think a few times they could have been dropped all together. Take the paragraph above. 'Val' gets a mention three times, 'Liz' twice, and 'Ronnie'... fours times. Particularly since Ronnie is the only male here, 'he' could have been slipped in easily.
I know this sounds picky as hell, but you did ask for specifics, and that's just what jumped out at me.
Otherwise this a good and enjoyable little read.
I wish you well with your future writing.
Have a great day now,
Alex (fem)
Last edited:
sirhugs
Riding to the Rescue
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2002
- Posts
- 40,372
If you read a few of my feedbacks, you'll see I rant about getting dialogue going early in the story. As a reader, I find that draws me in. I found your intial paragraphs wordy, and my attention wandered. Then, when you did introduce some dialogue it was :
You could have been an actress in France with that beautiful face," Liz commented immediately.
this is unrealistic, and made me groan. Better to have Liz think that remark, and sputter out pleasantries to cover up her passion.
Catherine's reply is also unreal. Why would this young woman respond this way to a stranger? If you use the bold approach, perhaps a "taken aback" reaction would work better. If you want a bold response, then the paragraphs that follow before the sex are too long. Two bold women like this would act more quickly on their mutual attraction. Instead, they get demure, businesslike and small talk. If you like the bold opening dialogue, I would have edited to the paragrapgh that reads:
I have heard so many good things about you and your partner Val that's only one reason I came here.. and I heard you could make me look a bit sexier than I appear mostly.. so I guess I want to look a bit more sexy!"
you would then need to work some, but not much of the background in, and can move to the guts of the scene more quickly.
As she leaned in to remove some of Catherine's own mascara, her sumptuous tits were now in full view of Catherine as she was directed to stare down at the floor so Liz could access her eyelids.
This scene has too many "as"es, and is indirect. How about " Liz told Catherine to look down so Liz could do her eyelids. This directed Catherine's view right at Liz's sumptuous tits"
Catherine had noticed that she had removed her bra
" Catherine noticed...."
You then spend too long ( for my taste) introducing Val. The story loses momentum. Do we need that much backstory? To keep the momentum, I would have Val arrive and meet Catherine, then some limited backstory. I would move or remove the digression with Ronnie and the blonde. It seems gratuitous.
Then suddenly, after the plot drives along, you start describing Val again. This interrupts the story terribly. And what does Sonya have to do with this story? Save her for the prequel.
You wrote the sex very nicely. I wish I wrote sex as well as you. But I wish you got to it sooner.
Will there be more adventures of these interesting ladies?
You could have been an actress in France with that beautiful face," Liz commented immediately.
this is unrealistic, and made me groan. Better to have Liz think that remark, and sputter out pleasantries to cover up her passion.
Catherine's reply is also unreal. Why would this young woman respond this way to a stranger? If you use the bold approach, perhaps a "taken aback" reaction would work better. If you want a bold response, then the paragraphs that follow before the sex are too long. Two bold women like this would act more quickly on their mutual attraction. Instead, they get demure, businesslike and small talk. If you like the bold opening dialogue, I would have edited to the paragrapgh that reads:
I have heard so many good things about you and your partner Val that's only one reason I came here.. and I heard you could make me look a bit sexier than I appear mostly.. so I guess I want to look a bit more sexy!"
you would then need to work some, but not much of the background in, and can move to the guts of the scene more quickly.
As she leaned in to remove some of Catherine's own mascara, her sumptuous tits were now in full view of Catherine as she was directed to stare down at the floor so Liz could access her eyelids.
This scene has too many "as"es, and is indirect. How about " Liz told Catherine to look down so Liz could do her eyelids. This directed Catherine's view right at Liz's sumptuous tits"
Catherine had noticed that she had removed her bra
" Catherine noticed...."
You then spend too long ( for my taste) introducing Val. The story loses momentum. Do we need that much backstory? To keep the momentum, I would have Val arrive and meet Catherine, then some limited backstory. I would move or remove the digression with Ronnie and the blonde. It seems gratuitous.
Then suddenly, after the plot drives along, you start describing Val again. This interrupts the story terribly. And what does Sonya have to do with this story? Save her for the prequel.
You wrote the sex very nicely. I wish I wrote sex as well as you. But I wish you got to it sooner.
Will there be more adventures of these interesting ladies?
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