Want feedback? Post here for a flash critique.

[MarkedMan]

I'll commit to giving a "flash" critique to the first ten authors who post. Depending on how it goes, we'll see about more after that.

What I'll do is briefly relate my overall impression of the piece, and choose one aspect to comment on in detail.

If you don't mind an honest opinion, feel free to post a link or excerpt from one of your stories.

 

[Lying Eyes]

I'm surprised no one has yet taken up your offer, I guess some people are hesitant to hear "honest" opinion since they are afraid of what you have to say about their work.

You can take a look at my mushy lesbian story in my signature below and give me your honest opinion, if you would like to read that type of story.

 

[killallhippies]

do the new one if this works. if not, it's in my sig. it's a lesbian story too, oddly enough.

now it works. where does that extra http come from? i swear i pasted over it.

 

[MarkedMan]

Lying Eyes,

I was a little surprised, too, since there seem to be plenty of feedback-hungry authors on Literotica. Had I forgotten my deodorant or something? *sniffs armpits* Do I oh-fend?

I'd all but written this thread off as a goner.

You and killallhippies can expect your critiques sometime tomorrow evening. I'd do it tonight, but I just logged on to kill a few minutes before going to bed. The ungodly time I have to get up, 4:15 a.m., is staring at me ominously. It's only a few hours away. *groan*

'night.

 

[impressive]

Legally Binding

Good morning. Give this one, entitled "Legally Binding," a go:

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=151909

It's in Humor & Satire -- and just teasing (no actual boinking). It's based on real friends of mine -- names changed, of course.

I really prefer e-mail feedback to the exhibitionist variety, but do as you will.

Thanks, and have a great day.

 

[Guest]

I'll play.

My newest story is in the Exhibition and Voyeur Category (see link below).

Thanks in advance!

 

[JayAzJ]

I submitted my first story and although I've gotten pretty good ratings on it, nobody has left a review. I'm not sure how to link to it, but it was posted 9/10 in the 'Loving Wives' group, titled "Making New Vegas Friends"

 

[Guest]

I submitted my first story and although I've gotten pretty good ratings on it, nobody has left a review. I'm not sure how to link to it, but it was posted 9/10 in the 'Loving Wives' group, titled "Making New Vegas Friends"

Jay -

Open your story - highlight the http at the top of the screen and click Ctrl-C to copy it

(it looks like this - http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=162034)

THEN -

See the http:// above the reply box?

click on that, it will give you the opportunity to name it (Enter the text to be displayed for the link)

and then it will ask for the address - that's when you past with Ctrl-V - Then it looks like this.

Making New Vegas Friends

 

[JayAzJ]

Thanks so much
I just read your lastest post, great stuff! Making New Vegas Friends

 

[Guest]

Thanks so much
I just read your lastest post, great stuff! Making New Vegas Friends

Thank you!

(And you are very welcome!)

 

[Varian P]

I'll nibble

I'd love to take you up on your generous offer, though I don't know if 3 L.com pages qualify for a flash critique. If that doesn't put you off, and if a non-consensual theme doesn't either, I'd be grateful to hear what you think of Little Girl Lost.

“Little Girl Lost” is the opening chapter of “Changed Girl,” and it’s a bit of a tease, alluding to some back-story that will be revealed as the story moves along. Still, a couple important questions do get answered in this segment, including:

“Who’s chasing that poor girl through the woods and what roguish things will he do with her when he catches up with her?”

and

“Hmmmm, I wonder what else I could do with this candle on the night table?”

 

[Maggiebr549]

Please give me your thoughts

I would love to hear what you think of my first story. Break it to me gently Hope to hear from you soon.




http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=160332

 

[MarkedMan]

Sorry for being late, everyone.

It's high time the first victim got raked over verbal coals. Lying Eyes, are you ready?

The Truth Shall Set You Free is, as you said, a very sweet piece. I appreciated the simplicity and tenderness. As a story about the coming together of two people who are already fond of each other, it works. There are a few spelling and grammar errors, but nothing too heinous. You've written it from Sandy's pov with painstaking attention to the emotional aspects, which is part of the primary weakness in your tale, I think.

Some of the reader comments point out an overabundance of descriptors and using too many pronouns (she, I) in place of the characters' names. True enough, but I think those are just symptoms of the actual problem, which is the aspect I'll comment on.

It's a good thing that you want to paint a vivid picture. The last thing I want is to dissuade you from trying to achieve that. However, you've got to slash mercilessly and inhabit the story with a less sentimental view. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a "mushy" story, but to make the situation and emotions truly compelling, you need to be more succinct, both in the narration and dialogue.

Here is an example.

Your first paragraph:

I spread out on the bed, my chest crumpling the thick blanket underneath me. The dim light of the table lamp brightened the words in my textbook. My brown eyes widened pouring over the complex language in the book nestled on the pillow. I played with the leg of my loose black shorts and pushed back the sleeves of my gray sweatshirt trying to focus on my studies. Analyzing the drawing for a moment, I was startled as an image of her sweet face flashed before me. Yet again, she had seeped into my conscious thoughts. "Becky," I murmured, the sound of my voice broke the silence of the empty dorm room. This is not good; I can't keep my mind off her. Maybe I should of (sp) gone with my dorm roommates to that party tonight. Shaking my head, my long black hair swayed. What if she was there and with him? I slammed my small palm on the textbook and winced in distress. Becoming sidetracked, I redoubled my efforts to concentrate on my studies. However, no matter how hard I tried, she occupied a deep spot in my mind.

It's detailed, and you have some lovely word choice, but you can create a more immediate, less muddled image. I tried it this way:

My finger traced along the page of an art textbook, not following one of the complex passages, but the edge of a painting in which her sweet face seemed to materialize, startling me.

"Becky..."

My murmur broke the hollow silence of the dorm room.

I lay atop a crumpled blanket on my bed, gazing at the book nestled on my pillow. My thoughts trailed wistfully after her for the hundredth time that evening, and I wondered what she was doing right at that moment. With him.

I could have gone to the party with my roommates. I should have. Being alone was like asking for aching thoughts of her to seep in, threatening to drown me.

It had to stop! I slammed my palm against the book, wincing, and then reopened my eyes, focusing on the text, determined to study.

But even as I tucked long strands of my dark hair behind my ears and pushed back the sleeves of my sweatshirt, I knew it would be fruitless.

This is by no means my idea of the best way it could be written- just a clearer, reformatted version.

I established the same things you did in your paragraph, but tried to make it more immediate. She's a college student in love with a girl named Becky, but it's unrequited, and she's heartbroken about it. Becky is apparently with a guy.

So, in the next part of the story, as you go into Sandy's thoughts, it's completely unnecessary when you tell us that she's a lesbian (we've already gathered that). It's also not needed when you tell us that it hurts her to love someone she can't have. We can already see that, as well. And we only need to be told once about the struggle Sandy experiences in deciding whether or not to make her love known, and her fear of rejection.

This goes back to what the real problem is- dwelling too much on certain aspects. Think "condense."

However, don't be put off from driving home the emotion. It's crucial. Just restrain yourself a bit- put the emotion in where it's useful and meaningful.

When it comes to the dialogue, you could do both more and less. Some of Sandy's thoughts could be taken care of with dialogue, such as her in-the-closet status.

Consider this alternative:

My stomach tied in knots of dread. At long last, I was rid of a painful secret, but at what cost?

"Sandy, I had no idea you were into girls."

"No one does," I choked. "At least, not here. Only my girlfriend from high school. My family doesn't know. I can only imagine what they'd do. My Mom would probably just tell me that it was something I had to change, like a pair of shoes."

Again, just a suggestion.

I hope this hasn't been too rough. I liked the story, and I think you're capable of doing much better.

 

[Barnaby]

Tiger Stripes

Tiger Stripes

OK, I'm in. This new piece went up this morning after a full year of fidgeting. It's had some early acclaim (Thanks, Impressive) despite the paragraphing being screwed up somehow by Lit which makes parts of it hard to follow. I submitted an Edit first thing this morning but since the paragraphing ISN'T messed up on my end, I can't say it will really fix the problem. Still, it's different. I was afraid some might not like it but that doesn't seem to be the case so far. Biggest complaint I've had is that the middle is "unrealistic." When I consider some of the things that I know are true and yet wouldn't believe if I read them, I figure it's not THAT unrealistic. Besides, this IS fantasy! Thanx.
Barnaby

 

[Lying Eyes]

Thank you very much MarkedMan, your coments are quite helpful since I do plan to edit this story.

Your actually quite good at giving constructive criticism, you might want to take a look at the "Story Discussion Circle Forum" sometime since writers on that board are looking for that type of feedback.

 

[yui]

Hi MarkedMan

Okay, I counted less than ten authors, right? If I miscounted please forgive me and slap me silly and we will just forget I posted…

Thank you for the generous offer of your time. I read your take on Lying Eyes, and as noted that author, you offer excellent constructive criticism. I would love a "flash critique" on my story
Tuesday.

Oh, and I should warn you that it is in the, um, incest category and if that is a problem for you, I completely understand. No worries.

Thanks and take care,

Yui ^_^

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Ok, I'm in under 10.

I have 2 stories that don't seem to be doing so well with votes so I'll offer you the choice.

The first one Back To Good is in erotic couplings. It is a 2 lit page story and seems to be more for a female reader from what I've been told.

The other one is my newest, Alex and is in the lesbian catagory.

Like I said take a pick. Thanks for the offer.


Wicked

 

[odderotica]

cool burn me up marked man!

am I under 10?

the bad little bat

follow up story is called

bad little bat 2

feel free to do one or either.

I love a good honest critic!

 

[MarkedMan]

killallhippies, you're up!

The Best Sort of Bad Day has some welcome surprises. The characters were actually fleshed out, and their personalities carried over into the erotic passages. This is something a lot of Lit authors tend to forget as their characters shed not just a few inhibitions, but their entire personalities, as the clothes come off. Not so in your story.

Your plot devices are well executed, too. The two incidents that lead to the girls' intimacy feel plausible. Stories about a girl getting jilted, or extremely upset about a life-altering upheaval, and then finding solace in the arms of her best friend are old-hat, but there's believability here. You've made Tabitha and Emily's coming together possible through character driven situations. Kudos.

Your prose, while vivid, needs tightening, and you could do wth more commas here and there. But the one aspect I'll comment on in detail is exposition.

I saw another thread in which you were taken to task for all the expletive-ridden dialogue that starts off the piece. I think those who commented are both right and wrong. They're wrong in that the cursing is unneccessary, but they're right that it's a jarring way to start an erotic story.

I have an inkling as to what you were trying to achieve with that. First, this explosive anger is meant as a hook. Second, it's a clue as to what kind of relationship Tabby and her Mom have- dysfunction at a fever pitch.

The problem isn't the cursing, but the exposition. In the next few paragraphs, we meet Emily, Tabby's friend, a stunned witness to this volatile exchange, who we get the feeling wishes she could blend into the wallpaper.

In the the next part, we find out that the argument is taking place first thing in the morning, before breakfast, when everyone's still in their PJs and barefoot.

It would be, I think, more effective if you exposed things in reverse order.

Emily stands by, quiet as a mouse, shocked about what she's witnessing. They're all still in their nightclothes, still blinking off morning blahs, disheveled and metaphorically exposed. Emily stands paralyzed by the raucous dispute happening between her best friend, Tabby, and Tabby's pitifully needy mother.

Once you've established that, the hook is there, and we're prepared to see the screaming, expletives and all, put forth in dialogue.

Once Mom storms out, and Emily thoughtfully regards her distraught friend, there's a good opportunity for a briefer reflection, on Emily's part, about the comparative calm of her own home life. That's something she can channel and use to comfort Tabby.

I appreciated the fact that you related their first sexual encounter, something that had happened before your story begins, briefly, as an incident they both remembered as pleasant but anomalous. Kudos there, too.

But what led up to that first drunken encounter, the dispute at prom, could have been better exposed. You've kept it relatively brief, which is good, but a little detail could have helped. Some dialogue between everyone's prom dates could have helped, and added to the male characters you created.

Another bonus in this story- the lack of soul-baring dialogue as the girls get into their morning fling, the second one in which they realize that there's more going on than a simple bi-curious encounter. In such things, vulnerable gazes and gestures speak more than words of dialogue can.

Good stuff. Try a different approach on the exposition, though.

 

[killallhippies]

thank you very much. you make some good, valid points. i'll take them into consideration as i write the second part.