Violence fetish?

[TooDark]

When i was younger i was bullied at school. I never really had much friends - it was more trendy to keep me out of all friendships and playing. It never was physical but bad enough to keep me skipping school at times when i just felt too awful to go there.

Years later when i had grown up i was beated senseless by one guy. I was on my way home from nightclub and for some reason i ended up chatting with couple guys. It went to into arguing and suddenly one of the punch me right in face. Im not sure what happened but i remember being hit on stomach too and being on the ground. I was barely up to their shoulder level so i must have been lucky i got away alive.

I went to home and didnt tell anyone. (I know it sounds stupid and i should have gone to police and hospital but i was too ashamed.. ) I stayed in my apartment until my black eyes looked almost normal.

There is short way my history...

Now the sick part...

I watch rough porn, violence, fighting.. and i get turned on. More unfair the fight is more arousing it is. I fantasize about being beated, hurt or wounded seriously. And even if it wouldnt have any sex in it i get excited and aroused. Its more than arousal. My heart starts to pound hard and i almost hyperventilate.

I know i have traumas. I have been trough medication, psychotherapy.. and im not afraid of every guy makes a fist or get nightmares of girls giggling at me. Im still totally obsessed by violence and thoughts of being beaten.

I dont know what to expect from answers.. maybe if someone has experienced something similar...

 

[FurryFury]

I can't say that my experiences have been exactly like yours but I can say that I have had periods of time in my life when I would dwell on wanting to be attacked.

I think it's important accept what you feel. You don't have to understand why. That doesn't even always help but you need to work to accept the "is-ness" of aspects you have that you don't like or understand. Next, if possible, I think it's important to channel your focus into things that are either positive or, are at least okay.

Good luck to you.

Fury

 

[Gilkane]

I know males with castration fantasy's...one guy I know really really gets so aroused by it he's taken to ask is lover to hold a knife to his memeber while she plays with it and threatens to cut it off before he can orgasm. Course they never do but its a deeply rooted fantasy.

Fantasys are healthy, truly they are. Before you enter into a BDSM relationship I would talk extensively with your partner...

But don't think its "sick" its simply a fantasy of yours that makes you aroused. Just think of it this way, you say the more unfair the fight the more you are aroused...this about it...75% of the worlds population finds it exciting to watch the same thing on TV, I mean look at the highest rated shows, COPS, Suburban Secrets, Till Death Do Us Part, every CSI or the like show has someone being crushed by overwhelming odds, and only a few of them actually "save" the underdog...most are about finding the ones that hurt the underdog...

So your not so alone...your not so sick after all are you...I would follow Fury's advice...and realize its just part of you.

Good Luck

 

[Andraste]

since being raped a few times, i have some very violent fantasies.

to beat yourself up for it is wrong...they're just the scars & coping mechanisms of someone who survived.

it's not bad, it's not wrong, as long as it's consensual.

less worrying about how you came to be this way.

 

[TooDark]

Thanks for answers

It's confusing to think what to actually do. What does accepting myself actually mean? If I keep fantasizing all the time, should I try to do something too... I have couple times checked kickboxing and taekwondo course demonstrations. If I would start training some fighting sport I could get beat in a "safe" way...

 

[Andraste]

Thanks for answers

It's confusing to think what to actually do. What does accepting myself actually mean? If I keep fantasizing all the time, should I try to do something too... I have couple times checked kickboxing and taekwondo course demonstrations. If I would start training some fighting sport I could get beat in a "safe" way...

if you're happy just watching, it's cool.

if you want to go for violent sports, it's cool.

if you want to seek out a lover who will hurt you in a safe way, it's cool too.

just try to stay safe, ok?
a belt, a crop or an open hand can give the fear & pain without such risk of injury.

but nobody here can tell you what's best really. you need to decide for yourself if you want to explore this.

 

[FurryFury]

if you're happy just watching, it's cool.

if you want to go for violent sports, it's cool.

if you want to seek out a lover who will hurt you in a safe way, it's cool too.

just try to stay safe, ok?
a belt, a crop or an open hand can give the fear & pain without such risk of injury.

but nobody here can tell you what's best really. you need to decide for yourself if you want to explore this.

GREAT post Andraste!



Fury

 

[marieR19]

I have/had very much the same "problem", without the past abuse. Although I never was abused/bullied/etc, I've always felt like I wanted it... And it's been something I've struggled with ever since coming across the whole BDSM lifestyle.

I call myself a submissive, and I am in many ways, but in certain ways it goes beyond that, because the things that I want/crave are not always "safe/sane/consentual" scenerios. As long as they are just fantasies I can be okay with thinking it, but I've had to make myself realize that if anything actually happens, it must be SSC.

However you want to handle this, as long as it's a safe, consentual way, is perfectly fine. Whether just watching the porn, or taking up some kind of violent sport, or actually persuing something.


Heather

 

[subgrl18]

lol i hear ya...sometimes i just want to imagine being beaten sensless...i talk to a dom online and sometimes a tell him i want him to hurt me...now being the sadist he is he then tells me all about how he would kiss and cuddle me all night! ahhh!! lol

 

[Trajal]

Violence is very very normal actually.

I used to be in the armed forces, whenever I came back from a tour of Northern Ireland my ex-wife used to be all over me. Sure she had missed me, but also she knew that I had done some nasty things, and most likely had to fight for my life at some stage.

In that sense it's a biological instinct kicking in. The woman in question knew that I was stronger because I'd survived and nature was forcing her hormones into overdrive because her babies with my genes in them would have the best chance of being strong and surviving.

However, back to the present. My partner is female, much younger than me and not the strongest little kitten in the world. She loves to fight though, she likes to be taken roughly and really gets off on how, no matter how hard she struggles/bites/hits, she is still going to be taken by me because i'm stronger.

In fact I have some teeth marks on my hands even as I type and I'm not into pain at all *grr*

Anyway, the point is that violence, being beaten up, taken roughly, forced, whatever, is all absolutely normal and fine and can exist perfectly well within an otherwise loving relationship. My girl and I live together and this sort of thing is very par for the course, despite to all outward appearences our seeming to be a regular couple.

So don't worry in the least about it, it can really be a good thing!

 

[Andraste]

My partner is female, much younger than me and not the strongest little kitten in the world.

that description made me "awww!".

 

[Quint]

...........

 

[Trajal]

I actually grinned like an idiot at his reason for editing.

Trajal, welcome and thanks for the great description.

Heh, thanks. Time for me to go meet her actually, she's eating her dinner from her bowl tonight (look mum no hands!) so I need to find something suitably messy for her face.... I think sausages and mashed potato would be a plan!

 

[SilkVelvet]

Violence is very very normal actually.

I used to be in the armed forces, whenever I came back from a tour of Northern Ireland my ex-wife used to be all over me. Sure she had missed me, but also she knew that I had done some nasty things, and most likely had to fight for my life at some stage.

In that sense it's a biological instinct kicking in. The woman in question knew that I was stronger because I'd survived and nature was forcing her hormones into overdrive because her babies with my genes in them would have the best chance of being strong and surviving.

The above may explain why I had a deep attraction to Army officers in my twenties <blushes>

 

[Trajal]

The above may explain why I had a deep attraction to Army officers in my twenties <blushes>

Royal Marines in my case

 

[onlypain]

I have the opposite "problem". I was never abused. But I do fantasize about torture, domination, ect.

I used to think that there was seriously something wrong with me. But I know that I'd never carry anything like that out in real life.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with looking at BDSM porn or role playing with a consenting partner.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[TooDark]

I have to tell what happened couple days ago

The first of May is more or less a carnival day here with lots of people partying and being drunk at streets. I was in downtown too. It got quite crowded and at one time there was some pushing. I got pushed against another girl. I think she was a bit younger than me. She started shouting at me and among other things she threatened to beat me. Of course it was just empty threats..

I was scared still. I always get shocked when someone behaves aggressively.

I was on my way to meet my friends but i was so upset i went to a bar instead. And in the bar i went to toilet booth and tried to gather myself. Trying to calm down actually took two orgasms. I just rubbed myself like i would have a compulsion or something.

Almost anyone else would just forget episode. I have been thinking about day and night..

 

[fulvius]

Violent fetish

I know exactly how you feel, TooDark. I have similar sensations regarding some horribly violent things that I have seen on the internet at times: extreme excitement coupled with a strange sense of guilt and regret. Don't feel bad about it first off, is my advice, but don't neglect your health.

Also, your experience with having been beaten and bullied might not be directly related to your fetish. I have some very violent fantasies that certainly don't correlate with any real events at all in my life.

Whether you choose to get into more SSC bdsm, or to view or think of things that arent safe but turn you on, remember that it's a health issue, and your lust is something to take gentle pride in, nothing to feel guilty about.

Speaking as someone who has been there and knows what it feels like, I can say that there is a health cost that we pay when we look at very violent material that turns us on, especially if it's nonconsensual - and it isn't good morals either, but don't feel guilty that it turns you on, and don't feel bad about the actions that you might take because of that, instead, think of it simply from a health perspective. Just like smoking too much. Be careful, and you'll find that you'll be thanking yourself for it. Be insatiable and hold high standards of quality in fantasy and porn and you'll still find yourself very excited and deeply satisfied instead of stimulated and disturbed.

Good SSC bdsm can really be a turn-on, and actually, although sometimes it is frustrating because the vibe isn't right and it's too soft, or it feels too 'consensual', or not enough of something, and dosen't turn you on as deep, sometimes it can turn you on actually more than the violent images that overcome you, and it's much healthier to get off on consensual porn than violent fights or snuff or what have you. That said, maybe you can write some violent erotica and share it with us! I would love to hear more about how you want to be beaten and hurt.

 

[statton]

violence

When i was younger i was bullied at school. I never really had much friends - it was more trendy to keep me out of all friendships and playing. It never was physical but bad enough to keep me skipping school at times when i just felt too awful to go there.

Years later when i had grown up i was beated senseless by one guy. I was on my way home from nightclub and for some reason i ended up chatting with couple guys. It went to into arguing and suddenly one of the punch me right in face. Im not sure what happened but i remember being hit on stomach too and being on the ground. I was barely up to their shoulder level so i must have been lucky i got away alive.

I went to home and didnt tell anyone. (I know it sounds stupid and i should have gone to police and hospital but i was too ashamed.. ) I stayed in my apartment until my black eyes looked almost normal.

There is short way my history...

Now the sick part...

I watch rough porn, violence, fighting.. and i get turned on. More unfair the fight is more arousing it is. I fantasize about being beated, hurt or wounded seriously. And even if it wouldnt have any sex in it i get excited and aroused. Its more than arousal. My heart starts to pound hard and i almost hyperventilate.

I know i have traumas. I have been trough medication, psychotherapy.. and im not afraid of every guy makes a fist or get nightmares of girls giggling at me. Im still totally obsessed by violence and thoughts of being beaten.

I dont know what to expect from answers.. maybe if someone has experienced something similar...

Your fantasies are your way of attempting to work through the trauma and to give yourself the control you did not have during the attack on you. Rather than judge the normalcy of the fantasies, wonder about why you feel the way you do when you have the fantasies. It isn't sick; it is just your way of coping and working through the trauma.