Vanilla marriage-extramarital D/s relationships

[ecstaticsub]

I know I am not the only one who is in a vanilla marriage but has a extramarital D/s relationship. But I would like to know how common it is and how others manage it. Has anyone who has had a relationship like this ended up divorced?

A little bit about mine for those who don't know. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 20 yrs. He is my soulmate. We have been through a lot of challenges in our marriage mostly brought on because he is active duty military and the challenges and pleasures of being parents. He has his own kink--wifesharing. I have had a few short-term extramarital relationships and a couple longer term--none D/s. Until now. I have had submissive fantasies for as long as I remember having any fantasies. I have brought this up to my husband and he is just not into it at all. I don't believe a person can be changed so I resigned to just keep it a fantasy.

While on a wifesharing site a few years ago I met a man who is now my Dom. It has been two years since I have been collared. At this point it is a long distance relationship but we try to get together every few months. My husband knows about it and since it is satisfying his kink of me being shared he is happy. He does get very concerned about my safety, worries that I will go to far and get really hurt etc. I have come home with welts on my ass that freaked him out a little but when I reassured him that I was ok, he relaxed.


Along with my questions above do others tell their spouses about their other relationship or keep it secret? For those who do tell their spouses what has their reaction been?

Thanks

 

[Netzach]

Not my story, but my personal slaves'. He was beginning to see me personally and not professionallly. He got busted at an event, because he had not sufficiently thought through any kind of cover story for where he was. I firmly believe that when someone gets busted so stupendously it's because they want to be on some level.

I don't think I or it was even much of a catalyst, but something inevitable. The event forced both him AND his wife to acknowledge that they had become roomates at best, tense ones at that, and probably would never be more than that. His wife and he are actually very friendly with one another, much to her credit considering what went on, but he's very forthcoming with things after the split and not in any way screwing her materially, which is pretty much what women rightfully expect from a mid-life split so people get nasty.

My personal experience with "couples who are totally happy except it sucks in the bedroom" is that that's seldom at all accurate - there are issues raised by sexual incompatibility - a universe of frustration and blame as it wears on, usually, which people cope with or fail to cope with in other ways.

I'm not one of the many people on the board to throw fits over the notion of cheating or adultery - there are far worse crimes in the world, and I don't blame anyone for weighing their needs and someone else's and coming down on the side of their own. However - I don't fully understand how people write off the fulfillment of sexuality as not essential enough to the most intense personal relationship you will have. I did that myself, have the T shirt, don't get it. I was 26 when I was cut loose, and I'm glad about that part.

The arangement you have with your husband and your Dom actually sounds very healthy in a lot of ways. If he's truly un-bothered by it for the most part. I'd keep the lines of communication open, try to compromise, and try not to give him more information than he wants at the same time. It also helps if you can bring something to the table too - make sure he knows you're cool with something of his that you're not especially thrilled with, but it's OK because you want him to be happy. Mutuality can be your friend.

I've always always thought we're not meant to be all things to all people. My husband couldn't get financial advice from me, or a cute femsub if he suddenly up and wanted one, so why not outsource things? Most people's concept of marriage doesn't stretch that way, but mine certainly does. And I forsee higher chances for ongoing happiness in an arrangement like the one you describe than in situations where there's no hope that the SM needs will be addressed, but that person isn't allowed to go elsewhere to address them either.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Not my story, but my personal slaves'. He was beginning to see me personally and not professionallly. He got busted at an event, because he had not sufficiently thought through any kind of cover story for where he was. I firmly believe that when someone gets busted so stupendously it's because they want to be on some level.

I don't think I or it was even much of a catalyst, but something inevitable. The event forced both him AND his wife to acknowledge that they had become roomates at best, tense ones at that, and probably would never be more than that. His wife and he are actually very friendly with one another, much to her credit considering what went on, but he's very forthcoming with things after the split and not in any way screwing her materially, which is pretty much what women rightfully expect from a mid-life split so people get nasty.

My personal experience with "couples who are totally happy except it sucks in the bedroom" is that that's seldom at all accurate - there are issues raised by sexual incompatibility - a universe of frustration and blame as it wears on, usually, which people cope with or fail to cope with in other ways.

I'm not one of the many people on the board to throw fits over the notion of cheating or adultery - there are far worse crimes in the world, and I don't blame anyone for weighing their needs and someone else's and coming down on the side of their own. However - I don't fully understand how people write off the fulfillment of sexuality as not essential enough to the most intense personal relationship you will have. I did that myself, have the T shirt, don't get it. I was 26 when I was cut loose, and I'm glad about that part.

The arangement you have with your husband and your Dom actually sounds very healthy in a lot of ways. If he's truly un-bothered by it for the most part. I'd keep the lines of communication open, try to compromise, and try not to give him more information than he wants at the same time. It also helps if you can bring something to the table too - make sure he knows you're cool with something of his that you're not especially thrilled with, but it's OK because you want him to be happy. Mutuality can be your friend.

Thanks for your response. My sexual relationship with my husband is very active and satisfying but in a different way than the relationship with my Dom. I guess it is a matter of they both push different buttons that turn me on. My husband and I have set some firm hard and fast guidelines concerning my relationship with my Dom. These rules I discussed with my Dom at the beginning of our relationship (things like my Dom would not have any control over when and how I would have sex with my husband, he would not have any control over how I parented our children etc)

I think what has made both of my relationships last has been total and complete honesty always. If everyone is fully informed, nothing is secret or hidden then I believe that instills trust in each other.

Like I said, my husband is very into the wifesharing lifestyle so this relationship gives him what he wants also.

Thanks again

 

[Netzach]

Thanks for your response. My sexual relationship with my husband is very active and satisfying but in a different way than the relationship with my Dom. I guess it is a matter of they both push different buttons that turn me on. My husband and I have set some firm hard and fast guidelines concerning my relationship with my Dom. These rules I discussed with my Dom at the beginning of our relationship (things like my Dom would not have any control over when and how I would have sex with my husband, he would not have any control over how I parented our children etc)

I think what has made both of my relationships last has been total and complete honesty always. If everyone is fully informed, nothing is secret or hidden then I believe that instills trust in each other.

Like I said, my husband is very into the wifesharing lifestyle so this relationship gives him what he wants also.

Thanks again

This is essentially my arrangement at home, only the extramarital rel. is with a switch who's just very different from my partner and the variety and contrast keeps me sane.

 

[wenchhh]

Ecstaticsub, you and I have talked in private so you know a little of where I'm coming from. I will answer your question tho, that no, my husband doesn't technically know about my Dom. He knows I WANT one. He knows this fairly vanilla, wicked busy, never have much interest in sex wife of his is suddenly horny ALL the time. He knows that there is a trickle down theory, and that this means he gets laid, or should I say off, more often than ever before. (except when I was 17 and jailbate, but that's another story) He's not a brilliant man, but he's not totally stupid either, Thusfar, this benefits him. It's funny, to both of us, to see this 6'4, 250lb strong military man, not having any desire to flogg or otherwise beat me down. I've shown him how I respond when I like it. It did NOTHING for him. TOO funny. well, kinda. Granted, I wish it could be my husband, who is my everything. He's a wonderful guy who has provided for his family beautifully. He is very good to me and has really allowed me to do whatever I feel the need to do, in all of my life. My dom friends say I've "run wild". They are right. Funny how I SAY that is what I want, but in reality, I yearn for that thumb, (both figuratively and literally) held just over my pulse point in my neck, pressing down just enough to make me slightly afraid and very very compliant..After 20 yrs together, I've taken off my rose colored glasses long ago. SO, he knows Im looking... he knows I've bought toys (tho hasn't asked to see them, shrug) and that most recently we had a conversation that went something like this.... me: "sigh... well, if you're not into this, then I guess I'll have to go find a Dom" him:"do what you have to do, just come home to me and don't stop getting me off, and we'll be fine."
sigh... what's a girl to do?
hugs, thanks for the thought provoking post!

 

[Netzach]

him:"do what you have to do, just come home to me and don't stop getting me off, and we'll be fine."
sigh... what's a girl to do?

Uh, do what the man says. Preferably with someone who is going to respect your boundaries, but there are people who want a sub and NOT an S/O.

 

[SometimesNever]

Well my situation is very similar to what you are sharing.

I am a bi female with a personality and urges that are befitting as a Domme. I am married to a straight man and have been for about ten years. I have never let on to him about my bi nature or experiences nor any BDSM experiences I have had.

He is very dominant in a vanilla sence and mix that with my lifestyle dominance, its becoming hard to hide myself under his thumb any longer. It's not me, its not who I am. Now add his misunderstandings of the lifestyle and my inability to even speak with him regarding ways I can ensure both of our happiness without me leaving...yeah its a sorry mess as I know he has great love for me.

I have made many small remarks to see his reaction and have seen how he reacts when he hears or sees anything regarding BDSM. He is brainwashed it seems and sees nothing but grotesqueness in anything BDSM although he has his own vanilla kink. If I try to talk to him about his feelings regarding this he makes it clear that he thinks the whole situation is an abdomination.

I have kept whats inside me hidden, letting it fester. My urges and desires grow moreso that now I have come to the point where I have decided to make life changes so I can live healthy and happy once more without having to hide who I am and what I feel on the inside.

For me its not just a scene thing but I am envelopped in my business, with friends, in the bedroom, outside of the bedroom, day, afternoon and night. It is who I am and I am taking pride in it finally.

It is very very painful but i did it to myself by not being honest with myself for so many years. I did it myself, molding myself after what society thinks is fitting. Now I am going to fix it myself and take the long cold road to revive myself.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Ecstaticsub, you and I have talked in private so you know a little of where I'm coming from. I will answer your question tho, that no, my husband doesn't technically know about my Dom. He knows I WANT one. He knows this fairly vanilla, wicked busy, never have much interest in sex wife of his is suddenly horny ALL the time. He knows that there is a trickle down theory, and that this means he gets laid, or should I say off, more often than ever before. (except when I was 17 and jailbate, but that's another story) He's not a brilliant man, but he's not totally stupid either, Thusfar, this benefits him. It's funny, to both of us, to see this 6'4, 250lb strong military man, not having any desire to flogg or otherwise beat me down. I've shown him how I respond when I like it. It did NOTHING for him. TOO funny. well, kinda. Granted, I wish it could be my husband, who is my everything. He's a wonderful guy who has provided for his family beautifully. He is very good to me and has really allowed me to do whatever I feel the need to do, in all of my life. My dom friends say I've "run wild". They are right. Funny how I SAY that is what I want, but in reality, I yearn for that thumb, (both figuratively and literally) held just over my pulse point in my neck, pressing down just enough to make me slightly afraid and very very compliant..After 20 yrs together, I've taken off my rose colored glasses long ago. SO, he knows Im looking... he knows I've bought toys (tho hasn't asked to see them, shrug) and that most recently we had a conversation that went something like this.... me: "sigh... well, if you're not into this, then I guess I'll have to go find a Dom" him:"do what you have to do, just come home to me and don't stop getting me off, and we'll be fine."
sigh... what's a girl to do?
hugs, thanks for the thought provoking post!

Hi wenchhh-Thanks for responding. I liked your "trickle down theory" comment. I wouldn't say my husband is getting more sex than before my D/s relationship--I have always been very horny--but now I NEVER tell him no. He is also more attentive to my sexual needs. He tends to get very obsessed with work and has a hard time switching gears to home. He gets excited when I talk casually about videos, pictures or stories I have sent my Dom which helps him get his mind off work and more on me and home.

I also have to say that my husband was grateful that I had my Dom in my life while he was deployed. He knew there was someone who was going to take care of me and keep me under control.

I never had a desire for my husband to be my Dom. We tried a little role playing at times in the past but it didn't work at all. It actually turned me very cold. Both because he wasn't into it and because I see our marriage as being totally equal in all ways. I couldn't make that switch to thinking of him as my Dom--sexually or otherwise.

I really believe how things are right now is a win-win -win for all 3 of us.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Well my situation is very similar to what you are sharing.

I am a bi female with a personality and urges that are befitting as a Domme. I am married to a straight man and have been for about ten years. I have never let on to him about my bi nature or experiences nor any BDSM experiences I have had.

He is very dominant in a vanilla sence and mix that with my lifestyle dominance, its becoming hard to hide myself under his thumb any longer. It's not me, its not who I am. Now add his misunderstandings of the lifestyle and my inability to even speak with him regarding ways I can ensure both of our happiness without me leaving...yeah its a sorry mess as I know he has great love for me.

I have made many small remarks to see his reaction and have seen how he reacts when he hears or sees anything regarding BDSM. He is brainwashed it seems and sees nothing but grotesqueness in anything BDSM although he has his own vanilla kink. If I try to talk to him about his feelings regarding this he makes it clear that he thinks the whole situation is an abdomination.

I have kept whats inside me hidden, letting it fester. My urges and desires grow moreso that now I have come to the point where I have decided to make life changes so I can live healthy and happy once more without having to hide who I am and what I feel on the inside.

For me its not just a scene thing but I am envelopped in my business, with friends, in the bedroom, outside of the bedroom, day, afternoon and night. It is who I am and I am taking pride in it finally.

It is very very painful but i did it to myself by not being honest with myself for so many years. I did it myself, molding myself after what society thinks is fitting. Now I am going to fix it myself and take the long cold road to revive myself.

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. I have a question if you don't mind. If you came out and told him everything about how you feel and shared your experiences with your husband what do you think his reaction would be? Or do you plan on telling him everything before you end your marriage?

The reason I ask is I know in my own marriage I love my husband and my life with him. I have also fallen in love with my Dom. I want, need both in my life. I know I am very lucky to have a husband who is willing and secure enough to let me live my kinky side too.

Is there any chance if you were totally honest with your husband that you could have both? or would you even want to?

 

[SometimesNever]

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=516595

Take a peak there, it is a thread i started when I really felt something had to be done.

I love my husband but I fear that is all I have for him and quite frankly love is not enough with nothing else backing it up. We have more problems than just our difference in opinion and desire for the lifestyle.

He has proven that he will let me be with other men and women in the vanilla sence but he demands to be able to join in or watch. I refuse to give him this pleasure. There is much that has happened that makes me adament on this refusal so I have never brought another person into the relationship.

Totally honest? its impossible to even get a word in edge wise and i already know he thinks anyone practicing BDSM are sick, weird, freaks that need to shot. Frankly, I do not even want to, he has not shown me any consideration in our time together to even warrant trying again.

No I will not tell him EVERYTHING before I leave him. He will run to his family and friends and anyone lese who will listen that I am a "tainted dilussional freak".

I will however and be honest. I will tell him that I am leaving for both of our sakes. That I want us both to be happy and its quite apparent that together we are not happy. Does not make him or myself good or bad it just means together we are a bad combo. I will tell him we have been beating our heads agaisnt walls for many years and its best if we both take seperate paths to fins our happiness and grow.

He really has shaped up the last year rather well and I know in my deepest of my hearts he loves me unlike anything else. He is not a bad guy...just bad for me and I am bad for him. That is what is going to hurt the most is that he has grown up, matured and taken more of an interest in our relationship in the last year...its just not enough, its not what I want, it's not what I need.

Cant put a vanilla dominant straight male together with a bi Domme and expect things to be peachy...

Regarding the fact you are comfortable having both in your life and that it is working is a blessing for you, very wonderful to hear. Once I get on my feet and find a sub that fits me best I would want it to be a total package. I would want to be enough for my sub and my sub to be enough for me. If this is not the case then we are not right for each other either. If I found that fit, I would nurture the relationship into RT and if all went well 24/7.

Feel free to PM if you'd like.

 

[HottieMama]

**temporarily removing self from Lit posting-break because i need to post on this...**

ecstaticsub...you situation sounds like friggin HEAVEN to me. You have your hubby that you love and loves you...and you are freely given permission to have a Dom and seek the happiness and fulfillment of your desires. WOW...Can i be you just for a day?? (and i wasn't trying to be snotty...i'm so envious right now it hurts..)

My situation is similar to SometimesNever's. i am with someone who doesn't want a D/s relationship at all....thinks BDSM is abuse, thinks D/s relationships are sick and weird..(and god forbid, you mention the word..DaddyDom...) It is further complicated by the fact that my partner is female, and i want a Dom...not a Domme. Added to it are our two small children that i love dearly...i don't want to hurt them with my actions...

i was very honest with my partner about the one RL D/s relationship i had. She did not handle it well, and it basically destroyed our relationship. We're still together, but most days it feels like we are merely roommates. Even if we work out our problems, i know i will never be able to have what i want...not with her and not with anyone else either. i just don't know how much more i am willing to give up to stay in this situation. i love her...but when do you get to the point that your own peace and happiness needs to come before your love for another person? That's what i am trying to figure out the answer to right now. **sigh** It's made for a lot of sleepless nights.

ETA: we had problems before the D/s elements entered...this is simply the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak...

Feel free to PM me if you wish. My partner lurks here, and i would rather keep specifics in private.

 

[ecstaticsub]

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=516595

Take a peak there, it is a thread i started when I really felt something had to be done.

I love my husband but I fear that is all I have for him and quite frankly love is not enough with nothing else backing it up. We have more problems than just our difference in opinion and desire for the lifestyle.

He has proven that he will let me be with other men and women in the vanilla sence but he demands to be able to join in or watch. I refuse to give him this pleasure. There is much that has happened that makes me adament on this refusal so I have never brought another person into the relationship.

Totally honest? its impossible to even get a word in edge wise and i already know he thinks anyone practicing BDSM are sick, weird, freaks that need to shot. Frankly, I do not even want to, he has not shown me any consideration in our time together to even warrant trying again.

No I will not tell him EVERYTHING before I leave him. He will run to his family and friends and anyone lese who will listen that I am a "tainted dilussional freak".

I will however and be honest. I will tell him that I am leaving for both of our sakes. That I want us both to be happy and its quite apparent that together we are not happy. Does not make him or myself good or bad it just means together we are a bad combo. I will tell him we have been beating our heads agaisnt walls for many years and its best if we both take seperate paths to fins our happiness and grow.

He really has shaped up the last year rather well and I know in my deepest of my hearts he loves me unlike anything else. He is not a bad guy...just bad for me and I am bad for him. That is what is going to hurt the most is that he has grown up, matured and taken more of an interest in our relationship in the last year...its just not enough, its not what I want, it's not what I need.

Cant put a vanilla dominant straight male together with a bi Domme and expect things to be peachy...

Regarding the fact you are comfortable having both in your life and that it is working is a blessing for you, very wonderful to hear. Once I get on my feet and find a sub that fits me best I would want it to be a total package. I would want to be enough for my sub and my sub to be enough for me. If this is not the case then we are not right for each other either. If I found that fit, I would nurture the relationship into RT and if all went well 24/7.

Feel free to PM if you'd like.

I read through your thread, thank you for the link. It seems that you have made a difficult but brave decision. I wish you luck. I hope for both you and your husband that the split will go smoothly. Though I had always thought that I would want my spouse to be able to be everythng to me and meet all my needs I have come to realize that , at least for us, it was more important to realize that we don't have have to be the one to meet all of the others expectations. That it is ok to go outside of the marriage to meet some of those needs. I like having it both ways.

I wishyou the best.

 

[ecstaticsub]

**temporarily removing self from Lit posting-break because i need to post on this...**

ecstaticsub...you situation sounds like friggin HEAVEN to me. You have your hubby that you love and loves you...and you are freely given permission to have a Dom and seek the happiness and fulfillment of your desires. WOW...Can i be you just for a day?? (and i wasn't trying to be snotty...i'm so envious right now it hurts..)

My situation is similar to SometimesNever's. i am with someone who doesn't want a D/s relationship at all....thinks BDSM is abuse, thinks D/s relationships are sick and weird..(and god forbid, you mention the word..DaddyDom...) It is further complicated by the fact that my partner is female, and i want a Dom...not a Domme. Added to it are our two small children that i love dearly...i don't want to hurt them with my actions...

i was very honest with my partner about the one RL D/s relationship i had. She did not handle it well, and it basically destroyed our relationship. We're still together, but most days it feels like we are merely roommates. Even if we work out our problems, i know i will never be able to have what i want...not with her and not with anyone else either. i just don't know how much more i am willing to give up to stay in this situation. i love her...but when do you get to the point that your own peace and happiness needs to come before your love for another person? That's what i am trying to figure out the answer to right now. **sigh** It's made for a lot of sleepless nights.

ETA: we had problems before the D/s elements entered...this is simply the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak...

Feel free to PM me if you wish. My partner lurks here, and i would rather keep specifics in private.

I admit, I am very fortunate. My husband gets turned off by me mentioning how much spanking and other physical discipline turns me on. I think he does consider it "sick" or "abnormal" but he doesn't say anything to me about it. It helps that he has some cuckold fantasies, though these frequently switch on and off. He likes when I talk to him during sex about the sex part of my D/s relationship.

I feel for you in your situation especially since there are children involved.

Feel free to PM me anytime. Hugs

 

[SometimesNever]

I read through your thread, thank you for the link. It seems that you have made a difficult but brave decision. I wish you luck. I hope for both you and your husband that the split will go smoothly. Though I had always thought that I would want my spouse to be able to be everythng to me and meet all my needs I have come to realize that , at least for us, it was more important to realize that we don't have have to be the one to meet all of the others expectations. That it is ok to go outside of the marriage to meet some of those needs. I like having it both ways.

I wishyou the best.

You are very very fortunate in that way. Such openess and trust, so much understanding and compassion...

I would have chosen the latter of my decisions but it I was forced to choose, to make a decision. I think things could have been quite beautiful if he could of just opened up his mind and heart just a bit.

The more resilient, stronger part of me wants to try to talk to him again...give him another chance to at least hear me out. The weaker part of me says there is no use, that I have tried repeatedly...to move on.

 

[HottieMama]

You are very very fortunate in that way. Such openess and trust, so much understanding and compassion...

I would have chosen the latter of my decisions but it I was forced to choose, to make a decision. I think things could have been quite beautiful if he could of just opened up his mind and heart just a bit.

The more resilient, stronger part of me wants to try to talk to him again...give him another chance to at least hear me out. The weaker part of me says there is no use, that I have tried repeatedly...to move on.

i could have written this word for word...

 

[SweetErika]

We've had an open/poly marriage in a traditional sense for several years now, though he's chosen not to exercise his option so far. It started with my desire for women, then we decided gender didn't matter (apart from the risk of pregnancy) when I unintentionally started to have feelings for a male friend. So, we really thought and talked a lot, came up with some rules and agreed any type of relationship with anyone was acceptable, as long as we followed honored those commitments and were both happy.

There have definitely been difficulties along the way, but we're very happy with our agreement. It's had a host of positive effects on us as individuals and a couple. We've both said it's usually not about going outside of the marriage or getting unfulfilled wants/needs met, it's about having the option to do so. Knowing we can do things that make us happy without compromising our values is very freeing and provides a greater sense of security long-term.

We only started D/s in January (before that, I was looking to explore BDSM with others since he hadn't recognized his desires yet, and he was happy with that), and agreed not to go outside of our relationship separately for those needs until we felt everything was more stable.

However, I think we may reassess that soon, as we're finding we have a couple of differences that we'd like to explore. When we do, I'll probably look for a service sub and/or pain slut, but I'm very selective so it could be a looooong search, and I don't believe finding those would have much of an effect on our relationship.

 

[SweetErika]

The more resilient, stronger part of me wants to try to talk to him again...give him another chance to at least hear me out. The weaker part of me says there is no use, that I have tried repeatedly...to move on.

I don't know, SN, but I see the part that's telling you to move on, in spite of believing that is a harder road, as an incredibly strong one. The right decisions are often the more difficult, and making them requires a lot of courage and strength. And, really, it seems like you're making the right decision because you KNOW you have the strength to get through it and resiliency to come out better on the other side.

 

[FurryFury]

It seems to me this board has grown somewhat.

I seem to remember in the old days of my first coming here that anyone mentioning extramarital relationships not fully known about by a spouse would have caused a number of negative posts.



I must say I'm glad to see the tolerance shown so far on this thread!

Fury

 

[Netzach]

It seems to me this board has grown somewhat.

I seem to remember in the old days of my first coming here that anyone mentioning extramarital relationships not fully known about by a spouse would have caused a number of negative posts.



I must say I'm glad to see the tolerance shown so far on this thread!

Fury

I was waiting for that shoe to drop, I've usually got another one to whack the issue with.

 

[SometimesNever]

I don't know, SN, but I see the part that's telling you to move on, in spite of believing that is a harder road, as an incredibly strong one. The right decisions are often the more difficult, and making them requires a lot of courage and strength. And, really, it seems like you're making the right decision because you KNOW you have the strength to get through it and resiliency to come out better on the other side.

I for some reason see weakness in it as I feel I am giving up and walking out instead of running the "keep trying" mill. The strength to actually do it and endure is uncompromisable.

FurryFury, that is precisely what I was expecting myself. After searching sooo many sites, I looked for a site of open minded individuals, I came here. I thought for sure though, especially with my situation I was going to get flamed. Hehe thus the "flame away, I can take it" at the bottom of my first post. I was quite happy and suprised at the tenderness my post induced.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Your cheating heart.....

Okay.. I guess I'm going to be the "prude" of this discussion but before you X me, hear me out.

I personally think that when ever you "cheat" on a SO you diminish the relationship and yourself. I "know" (read believe just from the tone of intelligence I read on the BSDM board) that those of us (to which I have to include myself) that have gone outside our relationships did so because there was something missing in the relationship - either on an emotional or physical level and the decision wasn't taken lightly. I know in my case it was because I discovered sides of me that hadn't been present or known when the relationship first began.

SometimesNever - I applaud your decision to end your marriage and do what you feel is best for the both of you. Sometimes it takes one of the two to "man up" and take the initiative and do what is best. It is never easy to be the victim of a wrecked relationship but it is less than easy to be the victimizer.

wenchhh - Don't be so hard on your hubby. I spent 12 yrs in the Army (was medically discharged - otherwise I was a lifer) and the military teaches you violence but it is a controlled violence. You are told when, where, to whom and how much. Outside that the military has a very strict (and somewhat hard to understand) moral code that doesn't allow for deviants (and yes, bsdm would be deemed deviant behavior). We are taught that while it is okay to kill a woman's husband, you are to put the woman on a pedestal and keep her there (unless she's trying to shoot you and in that case it becomes a whole new set of quandaries to work your way through). Thinking outside the box in the military is a dangerous business in terms of your career so it isn't too much of a stretch of the imagination that he would fall in line with that mold.

As someone who has cheated (there, I said it) I know it hard to lead a dual life. I thought I was cute in doing it but as I grew up I realized I would have been better of just leaving my SO as I hurt all involved.

Okay.. I'm off my soap box now.

It seems to me this board has grown somewhat.

I seem to remember in the old days of my first coming here that anyone mentioning extramarital relationships not fully known about by a spouse would have caused a number of negative posts.



I must say I'm glad to see the tolerance shown so far on this thread!

Fury

 

[wenchhh]

Chris, thanks for your input. You're right, the military has had a big part in making him, my hubby, who he is today. I don't blame him, I don't hold it against him, and it used to make me very sad afterwards, when I'd step outside of the marriage. Since I've grown older, I see that it really has nothing to do with my love for him, but is in fact a physical itch that I need to scratch. I appreciate this forum where I can say that without being judged. I appreciate all of you out there with the moral compass of "marriage is a sacred vow"... I just happen to think that what I do with my body has very little to do with my love, my devotion and my committment to my husband and my family. Believe me, this is emotionally much better for both of us, then the sneaking around and f'd up head games I'd put myself thru, over cheating.
I should start another thread on this. A very good friend of mine insists that my husband has sub preferences. I can't see them for the life of me, and when I've tried to talk to him, asking about what he'd like .... he just clams up. Perhaps I need to make him think this (me doming him) is MY idea, initially. Gonna need some help, if it ever gets to that. I don't know if I can be stern w/out busting out laughing. Perhaps I should practice first? How bout EG, or Phoenix, or Ice? Any of ya wanna sub for me so I can practice??!! Wow, 10 am and I'm already drunk! KIDDING. Just trying to get a rise outta you guys, sorry for the proverbial cold shower!

 

[Netzach]

Chris, thanks for your input. You're right, the military has had a big part in making him, my hubby, who he is today. I don't blame him, I don't hold it against him, and it used to make me very sad afterwards, when I'd step outside of the marriage. Since I've grown older, I see that it really has nothing to do with my love for him, but is in fact a physical itch that I need to scratch. I appreciate this forum where I can say that without being judged. I appreciate all of you out there with the moral compass of "marriage is a sacred vow"... I just happen to think that what I do with my body has very little to do with my love, my devotion and my committment to my husband and my family. Believe me, this is emotionally much better for both of us, then the sneaking around and f'd up head games I'd put myself thru, over cheating.
I should start another thread on this. A very good friend of mine insists that my husband has sub preferences. I can't see them for the life of me, and when I've tried to talk to him, asking about what he'd like .... he just clams up. Perhaps I need to make him think this (me doming him) is MY idea, initially. Gonna need some help, if it ever gets to that. I don't know if I can be stern w/out busting out laughing. Perhaps I should practice first? How bout EG, or Phoenix, or Ice? Any of ya wanna sub for me so I can practice??!! Wow, 10 am and I'm already drunk! KIDDING. Just trying to get a rise outta you guys, sorry for the proverbial cold shower!

I have seen the opposite of what you're talking about a lot, men who marry these very outgoing demanding and strong women because as submissives they're attracted only to find that the woman is submissive in the bedroom. It doesn't take a giant leap to see that people are often not like their public persona - and I'd argue that "clamming up" in a man is often really telling of...something. Hard to know what.

If you do want to inject a little sensation and control play into your bedroom I'd start with sensory dep. Put your hands over his eyes and "surprise" him sexually, maybe try blindfolding. I don't know that you've got a full bore put me in panties and let me clean your bathroom! submissive - but you may have a garden-variety person who longs to feel sexually swept away a little.

And big butch guys often never ever ever get to feel that without going full bore sub - people can't react to them that way because of their own hang ups.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

You're right, the military has had a big part in making him, my hubby, who he is today. I don't blame him, I don't hold it against him, and it used to make me very sad afterwards, when I'd step outside of the marriage. Since I've grown older, I see that it really has nothing to do with my love for him, but is in fact a physical itch that I need to scratch. I appreciate this forum where I can say that without being judged.

I hope you didn't think I was judging because I would have to judge myself first and the verdict would be guilty.

A very good friend of mine insists that my husband has sub preferences.

Actually, you'd be surprised at the probability that your friend is right. Imagine the stereotype - "captain of industry goes to Dominatrix to be whipped for putting people out of work as part of the take over".. its not too far off in terms of some (not all) military types - goes around doing all the macho guy things and talking rough and rowdy to women when deep inside he yearns to be made to lick a pair of 6in stilletos.

And don't knock being drunk @ 10am. When I was in nawlenz I was trashed by 9am at Sunday breakfast.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

This is a wonderful thread and thanks to the OP. I admit that in the short time I've been here I have been a little leery of posting because of flames I have seen thrown regarding this subject.

I am a bi female with a personality and urges that are befitting as a Domme. I am married to a straight man and have been for about ten years. I have never let on to him about my bi nature or experiences nor any BDSM experiences I have had.

I can relate completely except that I believe I am naturally a sub but may also be a switch. I'm just starting to explore these aspects of myself.

He is very dominant in a vanilla sence and mix that with my lifestyle dominance, its becoming hard to hide myself under his thumb any longer. It's not me, its not who I am. Now add his misunderstandings of the lifestyle and my inability to even speak with him regarding ways I can ensure both of our happiness without me leaving...yeah its a sorry mess as I know he has great love for me.


Mine isn't even dominant in a vanilla sense. I believe that we have become brother/sister or almost roommates on my part. He seems to be more in love with me than ever which adds to my guilt and the inability to speak about something that he has expressed disgust over.

I have made many small remarks to see his reaction and have seen how he reacts when he hears or sees anything regarding BDSM. He is brainwashed it seems and sees nothing but grotesqueness in anything BDSM although he has his own vanilla kink. If I try to talk to him about his feelings regarding this he makes it clear that he thinks the whole situation is an abdomination.


I have done the same and it sounds like my husband has the same issues. He thinks people involved in this lifestyle are slightly nutty at best and completely insane at worst.

I have kept whats inside me hidden, letting it fester. My urges and desires grow moreso that now I have come to the point where I have decided to make life changes so I can live healthy and happy once more without having to hide who I am and what I feel on the inside.

I am nearly at this point myself. With him I don't think I can lay it on him all at once but possibly start with the bisexual issue. I didn't fully realize this about myself until after we were married so he might be somewhat sympathetic. He has made comments though about an acquaintence who is bi and married and they weren't very favorable.

For me its not just a scene thing but I am envelopped in my business, with friends, in the bedroom, outside of the bedroom, day, afternoon and night. It is who I am and I am taking pride in it finally.

Good for you. It's such a relief to finally realize these things about ourselves and accept them even though it may be a hard road to take right now.

It is very very painful but i did it to myself by not being honest with myself for so many years. I did it myself, molding myself after what society thinks is fitting. Now I am going to fix it myself and take the long cold road to revive myself.

I too can see how each decision I've made has led me here. I don't want to mess up anyone else's life but I can't continue to stifle such an important part of myself. I just want to do it in the right way, but in the end I know that it will be upsetting information for him. He is a grown man and I will have to let the chips fall where they may. I hope that doesn't sound cold. I'm not and I do love him dearly, but he has made comments about how he could never be in a polyamorous relationship or share me so that isn't an option. I will do my best to break the news gently when I feel the time is right and take responsibility for what will follow.

Ivy