Vampire BDSM story, looking for feedback.

[CaptainQuo]

Always looking for ways I can improve my writing. Wrote a story where a vampire woman makes a man his pet and accidentally drains too much blood, then has to save him and make him immortal. I was a bit concerned that as a D/s focused story, some people might be a bit taken aback by the lack of sex.

Also think maybe making it part of a series would have stopped me having to add in lots of backstory in the beginning and near the end. I had a particular sort of lore for this story where if a human drinks vampire blood but doesn't die they stay human and become an immortal thrall/slave but not sure how well it fits with the storytelling.

https://literotica.com/s/an-eternity-at-her-feet

Does anyone have any thoughts on what would make it better?

 

[ElectricBlue]

Does anyone have any thoughts on what would make it better?

Second person is extremely hard to do well. The fundamental problem is that I didn't do any of the things that you say I do.

My recommendation would be to write in third person, past tense. That solves a whole bunch of technical issues.