Using BDSM for sexual self esteem?

[MungFuSensei]

Well, first-timer here. I'm looking for an experienced opinion here.

Me and my girlfriend (4 years goin, prayin it stays that way) have reached a rough point. I don't know if I can divulge all of these facts in good faith, but what the hell? God bless the internet for anonimity.

Recently, she's been thinking of straying from me. There are several reasons, but one of them is sexual, so I'll restrict the discussion to that part of my problem.

In our sex life, I'm naturally dominant. It's one of the few areas in my life where I have a direct say in what happens. The problem arises, however, with the fact that my loved one is a natural submissive, and why she is submissive.

In her childhood, she was raped by her stepfather and stepbrother. We all know this has drastic effects on one's sex life later in life. Even outside of sex, she's always apologetic, willing to serve, etc. I hate to describe her like this, but she has no backbone.

Of course she could use psychiatric help or something along those lines, maybe a support group. I love her so much though, that I can't pawn the problem off onto a doctor and pills.

She says that during sex, she just kinda goes blank, lets me do what I want, and then after I take her home hours later, she feels.....not dirty, but wrong. She says it's not my fault, just her reaction to what happens.

In my opinion, our sex life is far from unhealthy. I have an over-the-top love of anal sex for some reason (I guess cuz I'm naturally dominant) and I think I'm too active in trying to get her to have an orgasm. I don't do pain or anything, I do a little dirty-talking, but nothing especially demeaning.

Another problem is that she doesn't tell me when she doesn't want sex. She just kinda gives in cuz she thinks if I don't have sex, I'll be mad (maybe a little disappointed, but my day goes on and I don't get mad at her). I mean, we've all had times where we were in the mood and suddenly our lady says "Sorry hotshot, that time of the month".

She wants to take a break from sex, which of course I'll give her, but I don't think abandoning sex will help.

So, my idea, is a role-reversal. I would be submissive, and she would try being dominant. I'm not talking in the strictest BDSM sense, just the mood.

Is my idea dumb? I want her to have some kind of control, make her feel like an active participant, instead of just a sex-toy. At the same time, I feel I could use a change of pace.

Any ideas on how to coax her into trying it out? Any ideas on how to be submissive? How do you make your lady feel good about sex? And how to make her feel good about herself through sex?

As a side-note, would a sneak-attack trip to a rape support group be a bad idea? She'd never go on her own.

 

[CutieMouse]

In her childhood, she was raped by her stepfather and stepbrother. We all know this has drastic effects on one's sex life later in life. Even outside of sex, she's always apologetic, willing to serve, etc. I hate to describe her like this, but she has no backbone.

Of course she could use psychiatric help or something along those lines, maybe a support group. I love her so much though, that I can't pawn the problem off onto a doctor and pills.

Encouraging and supporting her to get the help she needs from traumas no person should ever have to deal with, is *not* "pawning the problem off onto a doctor and pills", it is being a responsible partner.

You are not trained to deal with this.

She has apparently not dealt with the fallout of her abusive childhood.

If you love her, you will help her understand that therapy (which does not mean doctors and pills), could very well assist her in sorting through why she feels blank, and wrong, and wories you'll get "mad" if she turns down intimacy. Therapists specializing in psycho-drama and cognitive behavioural modification might be especially helpful.

I would not recommend playing the role reversal game. The girl needs help from people who know what they are doing, not well intentioned attempts from someone who A) has no clue what her reaction will be and B) isnt' equipped to deal with the fallout should things get ugly.

 

[MungFuSensei]

I wasn't saying I was going to tackle the problem myself, just that I need to be able to do something proactive to help solve it.

 

[CutieMouse]

I wasn't saying I was going to tackle the problem myself, just that I need to be able to do something proactive to help solve it.

And IMO, the most proactive thing you can do, is get her to agree to see a therapist.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Well, first-timer here. I'm looking for an experienced opinion here.

Me and my girlfriend (4 years goin, prayin it stays that way) have reached a rough point. I don't know if I can divulge all of these facts in good faith, but what the hell? God bless the internet for anonimity.

Recently, she's been thinking of straying from me. There are several reasons, but one of them is sexual, so I'll restrict the discussion to that part of my problem.

In our sex life, I'm naturally dominant. It's one of the few areas in my life where I have a direct say in what happens. The problem arises, however, with the fact that my loved one is a natural submissive, and why she is submissive.

In her childhood, she was raped by her stepfather and stepbrother. We all know this has drastic effects on one's sex life later in life. Even outside of sex, she's always apologetic, willing to serve, etc. I hate to describe her like this, but she has no backbone.

Of course she could use psychiatric help or something along those lines, maybe a support group. I love her so much though, that I can't pawn the problem off onto a doctor and pills.

She says that during sex, she just kinda goes blank, lets me do what I want, and then after I take her home hours later, she feels.....not dirty, but wrong. She says it's not my fault, just her reaction to what happens.

In my opinion, our sex life is far from unhealthy. I have an over-the-top love of anal sex for some reason (I guess cuz I'm naturally dominant) and I think I'm too active in trying to get her to have an orgasm. I don't do pain or anything, I do a little dirty-talking, but nothing especially demeaning.

Another problem is that she doesn't tell me when she doesn't want sex. She just kinda gives in cuz she thinks if I don't have sex, I'll be mad (maybe a little disappointed, but my day goes on and I don't get mad at her). I mean, we've all had times where we were in the mood and suddenly our lady says "Sorry hotshot, that time of the month".

She wants to take a break from sex, which of course I'll give her, but I don't think abandoning sex will help.

So, my idea, is a role-reversal. I would be submissive, and she would try being dominant. I'm not talking in the strictest BDSM sense, just the mood.

Is my idea dumb? I want her to have some kind of control, make her feel like an active participant, instead of just a sex-toy. At the same time, I feel I could use a change of pace.

Any ideas on how to coax her into trying it out? Any ideas on how to be submissive? How do you make your lady feel good about sex? And how to make her feel good about herself through sex?

As a side-note, would a sneak-attack trip to a rape support group be a bad idea? She'd never go on her own.

i have to say that what she needs is not a 'role reversal' but a psychiatrist to help deal with the issues of the rapes, molestations, etc...and i'm sorry but the REASON she is naturally submissive doesn't necessarily stem from the fact that she was raped or molested. the truth is, if she's never had counsling for the things that happened to, no matter what you do she will always feel this way about sex. she has to deal with it all, and all you can do is be there for her, and be supportive. i don't have much advice to offer other than talking to her about getting professional help. and when you say that you love her too much to turn her over to doctors or pills i don't understand that statement AT ALL, it seems if you loved her that much that you would WANT her to get help to deal with the issues at hand. you are not a doctor and you cannot 'cure' her.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

I wasn't saying I was going to tackle the problem myself, just that I need to be able to do something proactive to help solve it.

the ONLY thing you can do to help, is to get her the help she needs to deal and sort out her issues from her childhood. you cannot SOLVE anything, unless you have a degree that says otherwise and you've already pretty much said you don't. my advice comes from experience, as i too was molested as a child and my daughter has been molested also, so i am experienced and i know for a fact that all you can do is be supportive. if she's not willing to get help then there is nothing you can do (except stay supportive) and the behavior will continue.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

And IMO, the most proactive thing you can do, is get her to agree to see a therapist.

agreed

 

[HottieMama]

Please try to get her to see a therapist. As an abuse survivor, I worry that you could actually make the problem worse. You have no idea what reaction she could have from your "role-reversal," and I would not put someone's psyche in my hands in that way...

I don't think the heart of her problem is self-esteem...It is having to deal with a horror no woman should face...and not having the tools to cope.

 

[Marquis]

Yeah, definitely sounds like she needs a therapist.

I'm not even sure what else I can add but I'd think that pressuring her to cum isn't going to help. A lot of times submissive women are simply more comfortable focusing on their partners pleasure than their own and although your intentions may be noble, you could be stressing her out by making her feel like she needs to perform to alleviate your guilt.

Also, it isn't fair to think you understand why she's submissive. You have no idea if she would've been submissive if she hadn't been raped and you're probably only giving those events even more power than they already unfortunately have by taking that attitude.

 

[catalina_francisco]

The most proactive things you can do are be emotionally supportive and help her find the courage to find a therapist, preferrably not a psychiatrist as they are more orientated toward the medical/drug solutions whereas a psychologist who specialises in areas of sexual and childhood abuse would be more active in guiding her to look inside herself and find her own answers and in so doing, build strength. She may have a fear of seeking help, most do. If you put importance on the fact she was raped and so you think that is what made her submissive, she may internalise that and avoid professional help out of fear you are right and to deal with her issues will make her no longer submissive, thus end your relationship as it stands. If you want to continue having a relationship, you need to give her 100% positive support in finding professional guidance with her problems, and find a way to reassure her that no matter what happens, you are there for her and her health. She is the only person who can solve the issues she is experiencing.

Catalina

 

[liberatedslave]

May I ask what has triggered your desire to be pro-active about an issue that has been there such a long time? Does she share your desire to start seeking help? It MUST be her decision in order to work. As far as the sex goes, I wouldn't ask her to dominate you - she may only do so cos you've told her to! A more gentle approach would be to pamper her a bit, give her a slow sexy massage, talk about what she does enjoy about sex & draw things out so she can't switch onto autopilot & let you get on with it.

 

[liberatedslave]

Also, it isn't fair to think you understand why she's submissive.

Very true. A good friend of mind was abused by his Dad as a child. As an adult he's a reasonably well adjusted gay man. He freely admits he has no idea if he would still have been gay had he not suffered the abuse.

 

[brioche]

I wasn't saying I was going to tackle the problem myself, just that I need to be able to do something proactive to help solve it.

But this is about her needs, not yours.

The rest has been said more eloquently than I can put it, but I agree.

 

[JupitersGirl]

And IMO, the most proactive thing you can do, is get her to agree to see a therapist.

If you don't heed another post in this thread, heed this one.

 

[Zinfandel]

.....

 

[SweetErika]

Well, first-timer here. I'm looking for an experienced opinion here.

Me and my girlfriend (4 years goin, prayin it stays that way) have reached a rough point. I don't know if I can divulge all of these facts in good faith, but what the hell? God bless the internet for anonimity.

Recently, she's been thinking of straying from me. There are several reasons, but one of them is sexual, so I'll restrict the discussion to that part of my problem.
<snip>

Is my idea dumb? I want her to have some kind of control, make her feel like an active participant, instead of just a sex-toy. At the same time, I feel I could use a change of pace.

Any ideas on how to coax her into trying it out? Any ideas on how to be submissive? How do you make your lady feel good about sex? And how to make her feel good about herself through sex?

As a side-note, would a sneak-attack trip to a rape support group be a bad idea? She'd never go on her own.

Mungfu, you mention that she's thinking of straying (I interpret that to be going outside the relationship, either with your support or by cheating), but then don't speak to that again.

A lot of the description of your girlfriend and sex life speaks to me, as I've had the same issues of wanting a break from sex (which we did on-and-off for several years because my lack of enjoyment of sex led to us both having a sense that each encounter was against my will in some way), not saying no to sex, having trouble orgasming, self-esteerm problems, etc., after I was raped.

Apart from the love and support of my husband, the ONLY thing that helped me resolve those and other issues was specialized assault/PTSD Cognitive Behavioral therapy that addressed all of the effects of the trauma. I did traditional therapy for over a year before, and that just helped me survive, instead of really get better, so I believe a specialized program is necessary for the best results in most cases.

I had to be ready and want to do the therapy, though. My husband didn't push, but no amount of urging on his part would have gotten me to benefit from therapy if I didn't want to get better. Likewise, forcing your gf to go to a support group is likely to be disasterous and unhelpful to her. For me, the impetus was seeing how much trouble I was having functioning in general, my sex life horrible and the fear my relationship would fall apart if I didn't make some changes.

Her motivation may be very different, but the best you can do is:
- Learn about assault, abuse and PTSD

- Find very good therapists/programs that specialize in assault, abuse and PTSD (calling your local rape and child abuse centers and hotlines--you can find the number on RAINN's website and through your local government pages) with requests to help you find this can be a good start). Find out what their qualifications and experience entails and when they have appointments available, but don't make one.

- Find other support resources, from survivor groups to victim advocacy and compensation programs (there's usually a way to get the therapy at low/no cost if you don't have the means)

- Love and support her and her decisions (e.g. to not have sex - but maybe everything BUT intercourse, or most activities are okay with her, so talk about other options like that)

- Tell her how much you love her, want to be with her, and are concerned for her. Then, you may tell her you've been learning about it because you want to understand better, and there is a lot available to her in terms of additional help and support. Ask her if she'd like to check them out, with no commitments, and hope she says yes. (Which is why you've done your research and found those resources ahead of time - for many of us, finding the help is very difficult and too much to put on our plates, so having it given to us can be a good motivator to take the offer.)

You can also ask the crisis center/hotline for advice on how to approach her. They may have some other good suggestions for you.

I can almost guarantee your role reversal idea will be an utter failure, and there's a good chance it'll make things worse at this point, so ditch that one. Is it possible you also just want to try bottoming and you're looking for an angle to get into that?

As others have said, though, the bottom line is that she needs excellent, professional help in addition to your support if these issues are going to be resolved.

Good luck.

 

[incubus'_sub]

All the above points are excellent advice. Ditch the role reversal idea. As a sub, I have no desire whatsoever to be a top & that would truly turn me off.

The other thing that stands out to me is that she may well be trying to end the relationship completely & is trying to let you down gently after 4 years. She says she wants to stop having sex with you, but to start having sex with other people.

 

[FurryFury]

I have to say I agree with what's been well said by others but I'm curious about the title of this thread, what does it, "Using BDSM for sexual self esteem?" have to do with your issue?

Another thing, if she is relatively happy with letting you take charge and giving into sex or has been for the past four years, what is causing her to want to take a break and seek sex elsewhere?

Could it be that now you suddenly know about this horrible trauma and don't like the way she accommodates you?

Could this and the pressure to come translate into her feeling that you now see her very negatively so that she needs to seek what she formerly got from you elsewhere?

Her idea of support could be different from yours.

She might not seek change in the way she lives her life at this time, other than finding another provider of the sort of sex life she finds is part of her habitual comfort zone.

Just thinking out loud.

Fury