Using a hard limit as coercion/reward to orgasm and see him

[roxanne1971]

When meeting Sir we discussed my hard limits and while he tested me on WHY they were hard limits, he has honored them. I have used “yellow” a couple of times during moments of physical weakness, and he has honored that and more. I have placed a lot of faith in Sir and his methods and have been well- rewarded.
Today he gave me a choice, knowing I was desperate to orgasm after a vanilla weekend with family. I was told to not masturbate or play with anyone until Sunday, but if I was desperate to cum I could break my hard limit and send evidence. I only have four hard limits-it’s not like I’m difficult in that way. He knew I would at least briefly consider it after having me worked up to a frenzy, though it was a very brief consideration. I ended our conversation shortly after. I’m not sure what to feel or do. I feel betrayed. He is a Sadist and I know he intends to continue to push my limits. I just always thought hard limits were “sacred” for lack of a better term. Confused and not sure if I’m overreacting.
I would appreciate any insight!

 

[IrisAlthea]

Confused and not sure if I’m overreacting.
I would appreciate any insight!

I don’t think it is possible to tell if you are overreacting and you should probably take any insights with a healthy dose of salt as we don’t know much about your situation.

He is a Sadist and I know he intends to continue to push my limits. I just always thought hard limits were “sacred” for lack of a better term.

There is no official rule book so how ”sacred” it is, is a good thing to discuss.

For a lot of people even hard limits change over time but on the other hand we expect them to be respected.
So does respect mean that items on the list are never to be mentioned again? Is it ok to test out the borders a bit to find out where the limit really is?
In my experience people will have different answers to this.
In my opinion, discussing the reasons for the limits as you did is a good idea because it does tell you a bit about how prone to change it might be.

Today he gave me a choice, knowing I was desperate to orgasm after a vanilla weekend with family. I was told to not masturbate or play with anyone until Sunday, but if I was desperate to cum I could break my hard limit and send evidence. I only have four hard limits-it’s not like I’m difficult in that way. He knew I would at least briefly consider it after having me worked up to a frenzy, though it was a very brief consideration

To me, this sounds like he is testing how hard that limit is.
He is not doing something to you that you told him not to do and he is not making you do anything by threatening or scaring you, but making you weigh your limit against your own exitement.

How you feel about methods like that, is something that you will have to make up your own mind about.

I have placed a lot of faith in Sir and his methods and have been well- rewarded

Again, hard to provide any insight without knowing if this is something that has been the case for some time, but if you feel the relationship is worth it, it might be worth a talk with him about your reaction with a clear, non frenzied mind?

 

[wicked woman]

I'm a firm believer in trusting one's instinct, presuming they've served you well in the past.

If that had happened to me, my response would have been something like this.

"Perhaps I didn't make myself clear before. The hard limits I stated, that we discussed, are just that...hard limits. They aren't to be tested. There will be no breaking me down and building me up again. They are sacred until I say otherwise. I thought you understood that. I'm aware that over time, my limits may change. I may add some, I may take away some. But that's for me to decide. Not you. I did not appreciate your saying that I could do something, you knew that I wanted, if I would break one of my hard limits. That's unacceptable to me. I had hoped that you would respect me more than to play a game with my hard limits. Have I made myself clearer now?"

You're not me, but that would be my response. Do with it as you wish...but don't change from requiring people to respect your hard limits.

As an aside, I've always made it a hard limit that there will be no compromising pictures of me...ever. If someone offered to send me pictures, I always made it clear that there would be no reciprocation. As long as they understood this, they were welcome to send their picture(s) if they wished. Even in long term relationships it has always been a hard limit for me. I have never had anyone disrespect that limit or act like it was negotiable.

 

[YoungToy]

A hard limit is a hard limit, and it he doesn't respect that without discussing it first then you shouldn't see him anymore. Period.

 

[SimplySilver]

I'm of a similar thought: Hard limits are Hard limits. They aren't to be messed with, they aren't bargaining tools, they are my absolutely HELL NO.

IMO He should not be pushing against a hard limit so soon, sadist or not. It's a boundary test, and to me, it feels like a potential test to see if you'll let him get away with breaking limits in the future to satisfy his need for power control. I feel strongly that you need to communicate your confusion and discomfort to him on the matter. If he has a negative reaction to your discussion on hard limits or pushes again on them drop him like a hot potato and RUN girl.

I think this is why its VERY important to distinguish between hard and soft limits in relationships. There shouldn't be an acceptable practice of pushing hard limits and yet it seems that not everyone's on agreement there. To my mind that's why soft limits are around; they're your "yellow light" as compared to a hard no.

As a final thought: Even Sadists have to respect the C of RACK.

 

[Lady2020]

There are self-proclaimed Doms who don't know about soft or hard limits and don't care to know. It tends to be their way or the high way. They have control issues. If they can make you think all the problems that are going on are on you, they will do it. Whatever you say or do isn't relevant. It's all about him and his inability to meet any woman half way. I'm speaking in general terms. I tend to think they're sadists who refuse to own it.

 

[roxanne1971]

I appreciate everyone’s insight.

I did talk to him almost immediately after this post.
I have changed a significant amount over the short duration. Sirs goal was to test my limits and see if they changed as I did. They did not.

I am not a newb thankfully, just new to this structured of a D/s with someone. But I have been around the lifestyle for a long time. I also know I have to question things and will continue to do so.

Sir knows I will as well and has been very communicative and direct with me. He is clearly quite experienced. I have a pretty good BS meter but I am also wise enough to continue to look for and question anything I don’t like or feels uncomfortable.

Thanks again for all the perspectives.