unsure and questionin

[lilhobbit37]

im just startin to look into all this

i had someone once tell me that i would be a good submissive but i just brushed it off becuz i am not into the whole pain thing and she seemed to think that was a requirement to bein a sub

what i am wonderin is whether that is a factor or not?

what makes one a sub?

i can be very dominant at times and even surprised one grl based on the sudden dominant streak i took on (which she said was a major turn on for her as w/ her gf she was always the domme)

anyways any advice and help in this would be helpful

i attempted to search for more information online but couldnt truly find anything that helped much

 

[madetotakeit]

You'll find many subs on here who have a dominant streak. I think it is much rarer to find someone who is submissive at all times. As far as pain goes, that is masochism. A totally separate issue than submission. They often times go hand in hand, but certainly not a requirement.

You'll find everyone's definition of what makes them a sub is as different as the individual. There are no quick and easy answers there. It's very much take what you like and leave the rest behind. That's the beauty of it. Everyone brings something different to the table and when you find a match for you the fun begins.

I would suggest pulling up the library and read everything you can. There is a lot of great information in there. Is this something that you feel is in you or are you exploring the suggestion of your friend out of curiosity?

 

[lilhobbit37]

well at the moment im truly not sure as the thoguht of givin up control is sorta a phobia i have yet at the same time when i gave up control to someone i trusted it was like a door opened wide and i saw life very differently

due to bad childhood experiences control is something i dont take lightly

however w/ the right person givin up control sort of releases me to be myself which is truly the only way i can gain any sort of sexual satisfaction if u understand what im tryin to say

as im only 19 i have not really explored much sexually at all and do not really kno what i like or want

i sorta feel like my friend suggestin it allowed me to allow myself to look into it....like i was unwillin to admit to myself it was something i might want

idk if im makin any sense at all

 

[madetotakeit]

You're making sense. If you feel like giving up control allows you to be yourself, then it is possible that you are submissive at least to a degree. Like I suggested, read the old threads and check out the library. It's a great resource.

It really is about finding your own path. Nobody can say if you are submissive or not except you. They also can't tell you what makes a submissive because it is so individual. Take your time, research, ask questions (you'll find people on the board love giving their opinions-it's great that way.) Above all enjoy yourself.

Someone once told me that some people need to be taken by the hair and shown what it is they want. In the beginning that can be true. Maybe your friend did recognize this part of you that you haven't come to terms with yet. The door has been opened for you it seems. Now it is in your hands where to go from here.

 

[lilhobbit37]

ok ive been readin topics in the archive and i have a couple questions

im postin them now so i dont forget them

what exactly is a safeword? how is it used? how does a person come up w/ it? can a person use it too much?

and is it rare for people in D/s relationships to have exclusive relationships? (sorry if thats outta no where but thats somethign that was brought to my attention before that the dominent person could potentially if they wanted always have other relationships while the submissive couldnt so i wondered if thats common or not)

the more i read bout it the more interested i get

i feel like i started off thinkin i was dippin my foot into a puddle but its turnin out to be an ocean!

im goin to continue readin old posts and if i ask questions people have asked before i apoligize...there is a lot of posts to wade thru and at the moment i am only readin ones which jump out as me as the basic information to start off with so i dont go and confuse myself profusely before i even begin do develop an idea of what this all is

i also apoligize if my questions r dumb....but id rather ask and feel stupid than not ask and wonder

 

[Snoozebutton2]

ok ive been readin topics in the archive and i have a couple questions

im postin them now so i dont forget them

what exactly is a safeword? how is it used? how does a person come up w/ it? can a person use it too much?

and is it rare for people in D/s relationships to have exclusive relationships? (sorry if thats outta no where but thats somethign that was brought to my attention before that the dominent person could potentially if they wanted always have other relationships while the submissive couldnt so i wondered if thats common or not)

the more i read bout it the more interested i get

i feel like i started off thinkin i was dippin my foot into a puddle but its turnin out to be an ocean!

im goin to continue readin old posts and if i ask questions people have asked before i apoligize...there is a lot of posts to wade thru and at the moment i am only readin ones which jump out as me as the basic information to start off with so i dont go and confuse myself profusely before i even begin do develop an idea of what this all is

i also apoligize if my questions r dumb....but id rather ask and feel stupid than not ask and wonder

First there are no dumb questions.

OK safewords are what regulate play. I prefer using: Green-everything is good, Yellow-ok but slow down as a bit intense, Red-stop play as too much. You may pick other words but I like using as can remember and allows me to ask what color you are throughout. As remember your brain may get a bit scrambled during play. If engage in sensory depravation play with gag or hood you can simplifiy and use ball in your hand. If it falls from hand all play stops. And can never overuse to much the safewords as safety always comes first.

There are polyamourous relationships in D/s. Where there are multiple subs/slave to one master. It can be wonderful or if jealousy rears head disasterous. You would need a strong alpha sub and willing betas. Or all same but very loving to one another. As they truly must love their master or love all in family to truly be happy sharing. The exclusive is the most healthy for a lot of women. Thus find it most in lifestyle.

As to earlier question, Are you submissive? Just remember you decide what box to check there. And you don't have to limit yourself to just one box. As you may be a domme one day and vanilla the next. Or a submissive this week and swith the next. Only you know what truly makes you happy.

 

[lilhobbit37]

a couple more questions (yes i am the type who will ALWAYS find more to ask! hehe

a few posts mention goin to a scene....what is that?

also how does one go about explorin whether they do in fact enjoy bein submissive or not (if they dont currently have someone to explore with)

lets see what else.....

while readin the posts i saw that trust was very very important to all this but (this may be a huge misconception if so just put me right! i dont mean it as an insult to anyone!!) from what i understood dom/mes will act angry/punish the subs....how do u kno they rn't truly angry and its part of the play? or does it all kinda blend together in the end?

i think thats all the questions i have at the moment

but im sure there will be more to come soon!!!

 

[sexycaz22]

First of all, welcome to the BDSM forums and to the world!



Secondly, do not be frightened to ask dumb or silly questions, sometimes they are the best questions to ask, than the "serious" questions!

As for your recent questions:

"going to a scene" - could mean two things; 1. It could mean going to a bdsm party, or to a club night, or a munch *a normal get-together in a vanilla setting* or; 2. It could mean a play scene, where you and a PYL** are playing together, and is in a scene.

how does one go about exploring whether they do in fact enjoy being submissive or not (if they dont currently have someone to explore with)

I am extremely lucky, I have met a really nice PYL last year, a casual play partner, and he introduced me to the spankings and the floggings, so I was exploring my submission with him. Since then, I have been playing with different people in casual play sessions (these people are now good Friends of mine, and again, you have to have trust in them too, and time to get to know each other as friends, before anything else, IMO) and I am still on a journey, but have discovered quite a lot of things about myself! The most important thing for you, is to take your time, do your research, talk to many people as you can, meet and go to munches etc. It will help you, I am sure.

The last question - trust - is a very important thing, in any relationship, whether it be a D/s, a M/s or a vanilla relationship. You need to build up trust and honesty with the other person, and know when he is in play or not in play.



Hopefully, I have helped a little bit, but am sure other people will come along and give better answers than mine!



ps. PYL** - Pick Your Label (Dom/me, Top, Master, Mistress etc) pyl - (sub, slave, bottom, etc) You will see this quite a lot across the forums.

 

[rida]

Welcome!
the people here are very friendly and answer questions asked hundred times with a smile (and a paddle perhaps )

I'm not that seasoned myself, but I'll give you my 2 yen worth.

and is it rare for people in D/s relationships to have exclusive relationships? (sorry if thats outta no where but thats somethign that was brought to my attention before that the dominent person could potentially if they wanted always have other relationships while the submissive couldnt so i wondered if thats common or not)

Snoozebutton already answer this point, but I would like to add a little bit to it. Even thou it is much more common for a PYL to have multiple pyls, the other way around is also a possibility. Ultimately thou a non monogamous arrangement has to be agreed upon by all involved parties for the relationship/s to be successful. If you need your relationship to be monogamous, say so and find yourself a partner that share your believes/needs. Same if you need more than one partner, make sure that all the parties involved are on the same page (for example you are a SWITCH and like to be Dominant at times and submissive at times, and you can only be one of the other with any given person, you might end up needing two partners).

while readin the posts i saw that trust was very very important to all this but (this may be a huge misconception if so just put me right! i dont mean it as an insult to anyone!!) from what i understood dom/mes will act angry/punish the subs....how do u kno they rn't truly angry and its part of the play? or does it all kinda blend together in the end?

Trust and communication are very important in any relationship, but even more so when it comes to something as a power exchange dynamic.

Now even in a simple situation as a play scene, when the scope is just, for example, for the PYL to enjoy giving a spanking and for pyl to enjoy receiving a spanking a little negotiation is needed. You can just go at it, or set up some role-playing around it (i.e. teacher spanking a student, etc). In such a case, once you have defined your desires and your limits (i.e. not spaking anywhere else but the butt cheeks), and after you have talked out what/how you want it, there is really not much more need for communication. But you still need trust: as a pyl that the PYL will indeed respect your limits and safeword and as a PYL that the pyl will not turn on to you and go report you for abuse.

If we are talking of a more complex relationship, than you really need to communicate a lot and trust your partner. Trust that they will damage you, physically or oder wise. Of course there will be instances when the pyl will dissatisfies the PYL, and the PYL will get angry and punish the pyl. Than it gets down to knowing each other well ... and once again, communication.