*True Confessions*

[Wintermute]

Well I'm off... This is my travel day. I leave in a few hours to go to Indianapolis for some work related training.

I won't be flying back until late Saturday so probably the earliest you'll hear from me is Monday.

Have a great week my friends!

 

[Domino89]

Sneaky _son.. I liked your story.................... yes I did!

 

[Henry]

Leaves fresh coffee, orange juice, tea, scones, muffins , bagels and fruit for all to enjoy....


Sending out good thoughts and prayers to any or all who may need them

 

[SuperShyGuy]

Sorry that you won't be around, SS. And DoS add me to the list of those impressed with the new AV.

 

[InLust]

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

by Basil Fawlty (John Cleese)
Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated! in words such as "favour" and "neighbour", skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise". You will learn that the suffix "burgh" is pronounced "burra" e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as "Pittsberg" if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you ! know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Loo k up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'U' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up ! halfway through.

6. You should stop playing "American football" . There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as "American football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American football". You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, which is similar to "American football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies. We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, coll! ector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conv! ersion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.

The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachu! setts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured
for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6US/gallon - get used to! it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake... it's pronounced "nu-kleer" as in "clear" NOT "nuk-u-lar".

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

 

[InLust]

I LOVE Being Southern!
_____

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a
hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't
"HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens,
turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the
general direction of "yonder."

_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is
-- as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is
not a request for the white, granular sweet substance
that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the
table.

_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They
might not use the term, but they know the concept
well.

_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best
gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is
a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold
potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference
between "right near" and "a right far piece." They
also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or
20.

_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the
difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po'
white trash.

_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with
the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a
turn.

_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun,
a verb, or an adverb.

_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines.
We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!

_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will
discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

_____

Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll."

_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat
them.

_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red
eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried
green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself
lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a
genuine Southerner!

_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet
milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots
of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet
milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream
obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,
"Bless her heart" and go your own way.

_____

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by
your Southerness:

Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and
call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time
understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your
hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on
Southernness as a second language!

_____

And for those that are not from the South but have
lived here for a long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch
that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as
fast as I could."

_____

Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day.

_____

Mom, Apple Pie & Gen. Robert E. Lee

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

I think I love her.

 

[InLust]

Y'all know what happens.....

Morning all.

Well with SS's departure and Henry's dwindling visits, I am left to my own devices in the early morning hours......and that means I start going through that dusty ole haha bag for posting material. Because of the events (hurricanes, wild fires and other natural disasters occuring this past year, not many are funny........I may have to resort to posting endearments from my 89 year old southern baptist Uncle......it gets a bit of a bore to chat with oneself

So with that, I wish SS well, wish Winzy a safe trip, give encouragement to NG and Nigel on the battle with the smokes. BTW, anyone heard from EL? Thought for sure her hissy fit would have blown over by now. Also wondering about Happy, Brian and a host of others we haven't seen around for way too long.

 

[InLust]

I think I love her.

Well, another early morning person! We do need to come up with a shorter version of your handle......hmmmmmm how about "Addy"?

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

Well, another early morning person! We do need to come up with a shorter version of your handle......hmmmmmm how about "Addy"?

*grin* Most people call me SIMA. You can too. Sexy AV

 

[InLust]

*grin* Most people call me SIMA. You can too. Sexy AV

SIMA it is. Thanks for the comments on the AV......and nope, it ain't a shot of me So what brings you around these parts so early?

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

SIMA it is. Thanks for the comments on the AV......and nope, it ain't a shot of me So what brings you around these parts so early?

I'm famous for insomnia. Haven't slept in two days. Why're you up so early?

 

[InLust]

I'm famous for insomnia. Haven't slept in two days. Why're you up so early?

I'm a early riser....generally get up aroud 4:30 or so. This morning slept in after a late night of homework jail. Insommia is a bitch...had it a time or two myself. Figure out what causes yours?

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

I'm a early riser....generally get up aroud 4:30 or so. This morning slept in after a late night of homework jail. Insommia is a bitch...had it a time or two myself. Figure out what causes yours?

I have a pretty good idea of what causes mine. Add to that when I haven't slept in a while my whole body is wracked with shivers and shakes. Makes it hard to type. Lol. Homework, eh? College?

 

[InLust]

I have a pretty good idea of what causes mine. Add to that when I haven't slept in a while my whole body is wracked with shivers and shakes. Makes it hard to type. Lol. Homework, eh? College?

Knowing the cause is the first step....hope you find a way to deal with it soon. Sleep deprevation can make a person crazy

Yeah, grahics design student.....last year Figured it was time I actually got a piece of paper that says I know stuff instead of just telling everyone You attend school, work, what?

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

Knowing the cause is the first step....hope you find a way to deal with it soon. Sleep deprevation can make a person crazy

Yeah, grahics design student.....last year Figured it was time I actually got a piece of paper that says I know stuff instead of just telling everyone You attend school, work, what?

I used to do college. Just dropped it. Not ready for it yet. Now I'm job searching.

 

[InLust]

I used to do college. Just dropped it. Not ready for it yet. Now I'm job searching.

College isn't for everyone....and not all need it. Good luck on the job search...that can be a daunting experience. Well, gotta hit the showers, early morning class. Nice chatting with ya and hope to see ya around again soon

 

[she_is_my_addiction]

College isn't for everyone....and not all need it. Good luck on the job search...that can be a daunting experience. Well, gotta hit the showers, early morning class. Nice chatting with ya and hope to see ya around again soon

Latah sexy.

 

[Henry]

Leaves fresh coffee, orange juice, tea, scones, muffins , bagels and fruit for all to enjoy....


Sending out good thoughts and prayers to any or all who may need them

 

[Domino89]

good evening my new friends. I have been buzzing around the boards trying to figure this place out .... and doing some SERIOUS reading!
How has everyones day been? I will be back soon, as I work evenings I'll be online after 9pm/ Smooches, Domino

 

[InLust]

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at
waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein
transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

 

[Sneaky_Son]

Re: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

by Basil Fawlty (John Cleese)
Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President

That was great InLust I love John Cleese...

By the way my first story Backyard Fantasies, Ch. 1 has been on Literotica about 24 hrs. now and has had 27,787 people read/view it PM me and let me know what you think... Thanx

 

[SuperShyGuy]

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at
waking you up in the morning.
Probably true

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
False.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
Gotta go with false, I know people who smoke that still have teeth.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

False. Go outside without a winter jacket for half an hour.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
False

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
False

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
False

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
True

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
False. Maybe 5 months but not 5 years.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
True

11. The average housefly lives for one month.
True

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
So stupid that it has to be true.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
True

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
False

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
False

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
True

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
Possibly true

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
False. There are plenty of sea creatures that can do it.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
True

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
True.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
I hope it's false.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
Probably true.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
True

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein
transplant surgery.
Could be true.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
True

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
True

 

[InLust]

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

Actually all statements are true.......even the one about Hitchcock not having a belly button (my guess is he at one time had one but because is belly was so large it disappeared much like a pregnant woman in the 8th month). The one about the spider creeps most people out...but I figure it can't be any worse than eating raw oysters

Any luck on the job front?

 

[InLust]

From the 89 year old Uncle.......

High Atop the Washington Monument

I thought that you and others may like to know this. One detail that is not mentioned in DC, there can never be a building of greater height than the Washington Monument.

With all the uproar about removing the ten commandments, etc... This is worth a moment or two of your time. I was not aware of this historical information.

On the aluminum cap, atop the Washington Monument in Washington DC, are displayed two words: Laus Deo. No one can see these words. In fact, most visitors to the monument are totally unaware they are even there and for that matter, probably couldn't care less.

Once you know Laus Deo's history, you will want to share this with everyone you know. But these words have been there for many years; they are 555 feet, 5,125 inches high, perched atop the monument, facing skyward to the Father of our nation, overlooking the 69 square miles which comprise the District of Columbia, capital of the United States of America.

Laus Deo! Two seemingly insignificant, unnoticed words. Out of sight and, one might think, out of mind, but very meaningfully placed at the highest point over what is the most powerful city in the most successful nation in the world.

So, what do those two words, in Latin, composed of just four syllables and only seven letters, possibly mean? Very simply, they say "Praise be to God!"

Though construction of this giant obelisk began in 1848, when James Polk was President of the United States, it was not until 1888 that the monument was inaugurated and opened to the public. It took twenty-five years to finally cap the memorial with a tribute to the Father of our nation, Laus Deo... Praise be to God!"

From atop this magnificent granite and marble structure, visitors may take in the beautiful panoramic view of the city with it's division into four major segments. From that vantage point, one can also easily see the original plan of the designer, Pierre Charles L'Enfant...a perfect cross imposed upon the landscape, with the White House to the north. The Jefferson Memorial is to the south, the Capitol to the east and the Lincoln Memorial to the west.

A cross you ask? Why a cross? What about separation of church and state? Yes a cross; separation of church and state was not, is not, in the Constitution. So, read on. How interesting and, no doubt, intended to carry a profound meaning for those who bother to notice.

Praise be to God! Within the monument itself are 898 steps and 50 landings. As one climbs the steps and pauses at the landings the memorial stones share a message. On the 12th Landing is a prayer offered by the City of Baltimore; on the 20th is a memorial presented by some Chinese Christians; on the 24th a presentation made by Sunday School children from New York and Philadelphia quoting Proverbs 10:7, Luke 18:16 and Proverbs 22:6. Praise be to God!

When the cornerstone of the Washington Monument was laid on July 4th, 1848 deposited within it were many items including the Holy Bible presented by the Bible Society. Praise be to God! Such was the discipline, the moral direction, and the spiritual mood given by the founder and first President of our unique democracy ."One Nation, Under God."

I am awed by Washington's prayer for America. Have you never read it? Well now is your unique opportunity, so read on!

"Almighty God; We make our earnest prayer that Thou wilt keep the United States in Thy holy protection; that Thou wilt incline the hearts of the citizens to cultivate a spirit of subordination and obedience to government; and entertain a brotherly affection and love for one another and for their fellow citizens of the United states at large." And finally that Thou wilt most graciously be pleased to dispose us all to do justice, to love mercy, and to demean ourselves with that charity, humility, and pacific temper of mind which were the characteristics of the Divine Author of our blessed religion, and without a humble imitation of whose example in these things we can never hope to be a happy nation. Grant our supplication, we beseech Thee, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

Laus Deo! As you probably guessed, over 92 percent of Americans like the idea that our Pledge of Allegiance includes the phrase "under God." It is clear when one studies the history of our great nation, that Washington's America was one of the few countries in all the world established under the guidance, direction and banner of Almighty God, to whom was given all praise honor and worship by the great men who formed and fashioned her pivotal foundations.

When one stops to observe the inscriptions found in public places all over our nation's capitol, he or she will easily find the signature of God, as it is unmistakably inscribed everywhere you look.

Though many try to disprove and reason, their arguments are weak and easily proven without basis. Their efforts will forever be in vain; God assures us of that. Have you noticed as of late, how many more people are coming together, affirming the fact that this nation was, from the beginning, built on God? Any nation that is not built upon God will fail. Do you wonder why, when other nations fall into an abyss, does the United States continually prosper? Now you know, but do not let the arrogance of some instill doubt within you.


The truth is . . We have always been one nation under God! Laus Deo! Praise be to God!

You may forget the width and height of "Laus Deo", it's location, or the architects but no one who reads this will be able to forget it's meaning, or these words: "Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." (Psalm 127: 1)