Training Doms

[Guest]

Hi A/all.........

I'm sub and a lurker with a story and a question..........

My Master released me a couple months ago. I never thought I'd feel like playing again but........last weekend, a guy I work with asked me for a drink and one thing led to another and Mr nilla asked me back to his place.

We ended up in bed and with a little encouragement, he was rough. He was bruisingly rough and I loved it. At my request he spanked me.........hard. When I said he was practiced at it, he said I was the first girl he had ever spanked, lol. Then when I told him I was a slut, he said yes, but you are MY slut. Then he pinned my arms above my head.............

It seems Mr nilla is totally Dom (who knew? lmao) but doesn't realize. I asked a few pointed questions and threw out a few lifestyle buzz words......... but he just looked at me funny and didn't really get it.

My question is.........with a little work I think he'd make a great Dom. But I'm not sure if I could "train" him? INMHO, "training" a Dom would be like topping from the bottom and the power exchange I need wouldn't be there?

Y/your comments and advice are appreciated. Thank Y/you.

 

[Hecate]

To quote Eb: I have yet to meet a 'nilla man who isn't kiny!

If he is a "natural", he will not need training but simply tell him what you like and where your limits are .. and I am sure he'll take it from there all on his own.

To give him some pointers without topping from the bottom you might want to let him read a few erotic BDSM stories that contain topics and actions you like (either write your own or dig into the large reservoir here at Lit) - that way you will give him pointers but there is no obligation for him to follow any of them - and if he does it is at his own will.

For more "hands on issues" - a Dominant needs training indeed, specially when you start including "percussion instruments", like whips, floggers etc. there is nothing wrong with that and I would think if you offer as a willing training target that is all it takes.

Most men new to D/s need the reassurance from their subs that it is ok what they are doing and that they are not being abusive. As long as you caan keep him in that "happy place" I am sure he will feel willing to expand and explore further with you.

And of course if he and you are seriously getting involved into D/s there is always joining this site or other online BDSM communities to exchange thoughts and ideas - which is as fruitfull for Dominants as it is for submissives... trust me, I got a few really wiched ideas hanging out online *winks* not that I didn't have enough of my own yet according to my darling pet *lol*


On a side note: you say he is a guy from work .. are you sure you want him (and possibly anyone else at work after you are through with each other) to know HOW MUCH you are into BDSM?
Just throwing that in as that is one of my absolute no-no's .... no bed buddies from work ever!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: To quote Eb: I have yet to meet a 'nilla man who isn't kiny!

If he is a "natural", he will not need training but simply tell him what you like and where your limits are .. and I am sure he'll take it from there all on his own.

To give him some pointers without topping from the bottom you might want to let him read a few erotic BDSM stories that contain topics and actions you like (either write your own or dig into the large reservoir here at Lit) - that way you will give him pointers but there is no obligation for him to follow any of them - and if he does it is at his own will.

For more "hands on issues" - a Dominant needs training indeed, specially when you start including "percussion instruments", like whips, floggers etc. there is nothing wrong with that and I would think if you offer as a willing training target that is all it takes.

Most men new to D/s need the reassurance from their subs that it is ok what they are doing and that they are not being abusive. As long as you caan keep him in that "happy place" I am sure he will feel willing to expand and explore further with you.

And of course if he and you are seriously getting involved into D/s there is always joining this site or other online BDSM communities to exchange thoughts and ideas - which is as fruitfull for Dominants as it is for submissives... trust me, I got a few really wiched ideas hanging out online *winks* not that I didn't have enough of my own yet according to my darling pet *lol*


On a side note: you say he is a guy from work .. are you sure you want him (and possibly anyone else at work after you are through with each other) to know HOW MUCH you are into BDSM?
Just throwing that in as that is one of my absolute no-no's .... no bed buddies from work ever!

Another excellent post, and one I am in total agreement with.

Eb

 

[MissTaken]

It seems Mr nilla is totally Dom (who knew? lmao) but doesn't realize. I asked a few pointed questions and threw out a few lifestyle buzz words......... but he just looked at me funny and didn't really get it.

My question is.........with a little work I think he'd make a great Dom. But I'm not sure if I could "train" him? INMHO, "training" a Dom would be like topping from the bottom and the power exchange I need wouldn't be there?

Y/your comments and advice are appreciated. Thank Y/you.

What a nice little surprise for you!

When I was beginning to explore BDSM, my boyfriend was supposedly "totally nilla." However, in hindsight, I realize he actually introduced me to some things, even though he never got on the BDSM bandwagon.

Hecate's advice is good advice. I do understand about not wanting to be the one to train him. So, as his comfort level increases, local munch groups often have "workshops" and guest speakers.

He may find making friends with other Dom's is a good step, too.

You may also find he never wants to be called your Dom or your Master, but is willing to do and be all the things you need without the formality of titles and alphabet soup'!

Enjoy and Good Luck!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Vanilla kink

it has been said many places that the reason vanilla men do not show their kinky side is because since they are expected to initiate sex and any kind of physical activity.

Their greatest fear is to be seen as a rapist or abuse toward their SO.

No man wants to end up in jail for what he has done to his lover unless he is psychotic.

So, if you really want to turn a vanilla to the dark side, it is easier to do so if you slowly initiate the activities that you desire.

In my experience, it is how a man reacts when you take charge and lead him slowly into the activities that you enjoy, that gives him the courage to inform you about some of his own kinky desires.

When you share a little, he will share a little. Over time, the flood gates may open and he may feel free enough to tell you about what REALLY turns him on.

YOu have gotten some very good ideas here, but ultimately, you will have to be comfortable enough to communicate your needs to each other without fear of being rejected.

Good luck to you. The journey is sometimes more fulfilling than the destination.


Ebony

 

[P. B. Walker]

Hecate nailed it... as usual Her brain turns me on sometimes... hehe.

I would only add that feeding him literature is good... it helps him teach himself. Once he gets a taste for it, he'll know where he wants to go from there. But there are still some important questions he has to answer himself. He's got to know what he really wants. You can't interfere with that, or later on things won't be good.


I also gotta second the whole "work" situation. I've been there, done that. Wasn't good. Not to mention, after we broke up, seeing her in the hallways day after day. It took what should have been a week or month to get over her and turned it into a year of getting over her (ie., living hell).

Just my two cents. But congrats on making a really nice discovery

PBW

 

[bunny bondage]

heh, any advice i could have given has already been eloquently stated. so yeah, listen to everyone else!

 

[Lancecastor]

Hecate rules.

BondageBunny came here in a similar position as you, Sassy.

I suggest you buy him a book if you plan on staying with him...but as Hecate suggested, be careful with the work linkage.

Have fun;

Lance

 

[JEURGAN]

SHOW THEM WHERE TO BITE

TRAINING YOUR OWN DOM IS AS EASY AS TRAINING YOUR OWN DOG. SURE THEY BITE BUT WE CAN SHOW THEM WHERE.

 

[SaltydogNH]

Re: Vanilla kink

it has been said many places that the reason vanilla men do not show their kinky side is because since they are expected to initiate sex and any kind of physical activity.

Their greatest fear is to be seen as a rapist or abuse toward their SO.

No man wants to end up in jail for what he has done to his lover unless he is psychotic.

So, if you really want to turn a vanilla to the dark side, it is easier to do so if you slowly initiate the activities that you desire.

In my experience, it is how a man reacts when you take charge and lead him slowly into the activities that you enjoy, that gives him the courage to inform you about some of his own kinky desires.

When you share a little, he will share a little. Over time, the flood gates may open and he may feel free enough to tell you about what REALLY turns him on.

YOu have gotten some very good ideas here, but ultimately, you will have to be comfortable enough to communicate your needs to each other without fear of being rejected.

Good luck to you. The journey is sometimes more fulfilling than the destination.

Ebony

Well said, especially in this day of liberation and the harrassment police... hard to be an aggressive alpha type with out worrying about offending somebody.

 

[Pure]

Hi Sasssy,

My opinion differs from that of the eloquent Ms Hecate. I think she has a particular model (common but not universal) and neglects some psychological issues. These are just my thoughts, fwiw, based on personal contacts with a few dommes.

Her model seems to me to be like that of dance partners. An experienced woman dancer can indeed teach a male student to 'lead'; she can even give feedback on how well he's 'leading'. (Exert more pressure through your right hand, to my back. That's right.)

Psychologically, of course, she, the experienced dancer,
dominates.

Consider a similar problem: How would a mom raise a dominant male child, or indeed an independent minded one? It's tricky. The mom tends to end up saying "Be very forceful with your women, let them know your wishes and your wishes alone. BUT do not apply this to me!" It's a paradoxical undertaking.

Hecate's book idea isn't bad, imo, but maybe just send him off to
'Dom Camp' for six months to learn his stuff. But there are still problems in directing his education.

In the end, my opinion is that she, the trainer may succeed, but the Dom so formed will never be her own and in the course of things he'll move on to be some other woman's. The trainer and "Dom" may role play to their hearts content, but she will likely have and retain the 'edge'.

 

[zipman]

I think Pure represented my view on this topic rather effectively.

To have a sub train their Dom/me reverses the power in the relationship. The danger of the sub only teaching the Dom/me what they want them to know or continuing to top from the bottom would be very challenging.

That is not to say that it couldn't work, I just see it being very difficult, no matter how much of a natural the Dom/me is.

 

[lark sparrow]

There are two concepts running in this thread. "Training" is different than becoming conscious of BDSM as concept and community. We all "come out" one way or another.

I believe a submissive could introduce a latent Dominant to BDSM. If the submissive is truly submissive, and the Dominant truly dominant in their relationship, the natural order could be worked out even if the submissive leads the Dominant to sources of knowledge and culture that the Dominant had yet to investigate.

Don't forgot the 10 rules for Dominants/submissives.

http://www.soj.org/rules.html

BDSM is not about sexism - equal opportunity for both males and females, heterosexuals and homosexuals, bisexuals and transexuals, to be submissive, Dominant or switch.

A dominant person also benefits from experiencing structure in being able to apply structure to others. A Dominant is not made in a vacuum.

I see the points about a submissive actually training a Dominant. I suppose much of it is dependent on how it is approached.

 

[Bondagebunni]

Hecate rules.

BondageBunny came here in a similar position as you, Sassy.

I suggest you buy him a book if you plan on staying with him...but as Hecate suggested, be careful with the work linkage.

Have fun;

Lance

there's someone else with a name very similar to mine? *sniffles unhappily* BunnyBondage i like, she reminds me of me...but is there ANOTHER one?

 

[Bondagebunni]

Hi A/all.........

I'm sub and a lurker with a story and a question..........

My Master released me a couple months ago. I never thought I'd feel like playing again but........last weekend, a guy I work with asked me for a drink and one thing led to another and Mr nilla asked me back to his place.

We ended up in bed and with a little encouragement, he was rough. He was bruisingly rough and I loved it. At my request he spanked me.........hard. When I said he was practiced at it, he said I was the first girl he had ever spanked, lol. Then when I told him I was a slut, he said yes, but you are MY slut. Then he pinned my arms above my head.............

It seems Mr nilla is totally Dom (who knew? lmao) but doesn't realize. I asked a few pointed questions and threw out a few lifestyle buzz words......... but he just looked at me funny and didn't really get it.

My question is.........with a little work I think he'd make a great Dom. But I'm not sure if I could "train" him? INMHO, "training" a Dom would be like topping from the bottom and the power exchange I need wouldn't be there?

Y/your comments and advice are appreciated. Thank Y/you.

I was once in a similar situation...my SO was quite 'nilla and i had to train him to be a Dom... I didn't do it all that well, but i learned something very important from it... if you don't feel you can talk openly with them about it, you can't get it to work...i screwed up at my attempt at "training" a Dom because it was hard for me to be open with him, i hope you have better luck than i did....but you seem to be doing better than i did already. My point (at least, i think i have a point) is that communication is key...cause w/o it, your...well..not communicating! (i know, that was just bad) goodluck! And if you find something that works well, lemme know...i'm compiling information for others who are interested but just need a bit of a push to find the information they need.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Bump

 

[Ol_Ozark]

Sassy: I have been a vanilla man most of my life, even thought I considered myself experenced. It wasn't until I met my kajira that I discovered what a Dom should be and is. I think if your man is leaning that way, you will be able to guide him right where you want him to be, then he can direct you. Just a thought.

 

[tyiana]

Re: training doms

My question is.........with a little work I think he'd make a great Dom. But I'm not sure if I could "train" him? INMHO, "training" a Dom would be like topping from the bottom and the power exchange I need wouldn't be there?

Why not try gently and subtly guiding, after all in any relationship between two people you learn what each other likes by talking and guiding. A good relationship either vanilla or bdsm is based on learning what both parties enjoy and take pleasure in.