Tormented sub needs advice, possibly....or something!

[MALIBUMAN666]

Hi all.
I don't know wether I'm really asking for advice exactly. But I guess what I want is really just to discuss something.

A bit of background...

I am 39, I've been married since I was 23, I had one other girlfriend before I got married. She was totally not into sex. I stayed with her for 3.5 yrs for some reason. I had six months alone and then I met my wife. I have been 100% faithful to her ever since we met. I'm 99.9% sure she has been faithful to me too. Though she has kissed a few other guys (and one woman) when we were going through a rough patch.

We are very close and happy together.

When I was nearly 30 I told her that I wanted her to dominate me. It was a bit, awkward to start with. At first she thought that I wanted her to cuckold me, and she didn't seem too happy with that. Eventually she got the idea and now she dominates me about every 4 weeks (she also makes me eat cream pies inbetween times - at my request).

Anyway, a lot of my stories are based on what we get up to, only taken further. So if you want to know about that you can read my stories. She reads my stories and takes ideas and stuff from them and I love the idea of her owning my cock and balls, my ass and my mouth.

Thing is, this is all well and good. But about three months ago I was getting fucked in the mouth with her strap-on and i looked up at her and I was totally overwhelmed by this strange feeling that I would do anything for her. I can only describe it as feeling like.... well 'love' I guess. If that makes sense. You know, that kind of headrush.

So anyway the session ended and I was a bit freaked out by it, but i couldn't talk about it for a few days. Eventually we did, but I don't think she understood the implications of what I was saying. To be honest, unlike a lot of people here, this is more of a diversion than a lifestyle for us. It's something that we both enjoy but it's something...

Put it like this, my wife has always maintained that she doesn't want our sex life to only be about Femdom. So we have a vanilla sex life most of the time with 'special' sex once a month. That seems fair to me. Sure I would like to do it more, but then I think how many guys out there would kill for what i get and I think, well, you know.

The point I'm trying to make I suppose is that while I do get fucked with strap-ons and dominated, our relationship is such that it's not going to suddenly go to a much more hardcore level.

So anyway, a few weeks ago I was reading a lot of Femdom stories and getting a bit worked up and that feeling came over me again, that I wanted her to control me. It's hard to explain, it's very consuming...

One of the things that she does in our sessions is that she tells me stuff like she's going to make suck a real cock, or she's going to have someone (male) fuck me in the ass while i tongue her ass. She tells me this to turn me (and her) on, although it's just harmless fantasy.

Thing is when I get this feeling, it's like I want to tell her that I want her to own me for real and make me do all this stuff. I'm pretty sure it's not that I'm a closet gay, because I really don't fantasize about men at all, except when I'm thinking about my wife making me service them, and then it's not really 'men' as such it's just 'cocks' (if that makes sense).

Thing is the feeling just gets stronger and stronger and I get more and more freaked out by it to the point where I'm almost wanting to tell my wife for real, even though I know that isn't a good idea, because our relationship just isn't like that.

And eventually the feeling passes and I think, what the hell was that all about....you could have told her that for real and really fucked your life up.

I don't know what I'm hoping to gain from telling you all this, maybe just some words of wisdom to help me get things in perspective next time it happens (and it will).

The thing is, my wife has this fear that one day I will only be able to get turned on by femdom so she's kind of reluctant to takes things any further as it is, and me blurting out something like that is going to freak her out and to be honest, I'm not even sure that I really would want to go through with it anyway - fantasy is one thing and all that. So I could end up fucking everything up for something that i'm not even sure i would really want to do.

Any helpful comments would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Netzach]

"I love you and I'd do anything you want" to me = good. Sexy. Hot.

If you leave it at that, you may not get exactly what you want out of it to happen to you, but if your relationship is a good communicative one, she may feel free to do more of what she actually wants to do with/to you.

That might grow to be more hardcore, or less. But you'd know its what she wants.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

You have a long history together and a lot of trust. If she's only doing femdom to please you and it's still not satisfying you, perhaps you could discuss opening the marriage so you can get this itch scratched? Obviously, clear boundaries have to be set and adhered to. Opening a marriage usually means opening it on both sides so you'll have to think about whether you would be amenable to that if she chose to exercise that freedom.

Apart from that, it seems she's made her limits concerning femdom abundantly clear. If you try pushing your luck, there's always the chance she'll become less inclined to indulge you rather than more so. I think you have a good compromise here. You could maybe negotiate for fortnightly or weekly femdom and make it a bigger percentage of your sex life but if you do that, be very careful not to lose any enthusiasm for the vanilla sex that she enjoys.

There are other ways to be submissive than asking her to become more hardcore. If you become generally more service oriented, passive and beta, there's a chance she'll find aspects of control and dominance that she genuinely enjoys, which will make the sexual play less arduous for her. Helping with chores, running baths, offering massages and generally treating her like a queen may well get you further towards the kind of kink you want than just trying to negotiate. Also, you can still treat vanilla sex as service and go out of your way to ensure she's completely sated. If you apply the right mindset to things, you'll probably find ways to express your kink that have been under your nose all along.

 

[MALIBUMAN666]

Thanks for these replies.
I don't believe she is doing it 'just' to please me, as I said at first I think she was, but now she's quite eager, but there's a bit of disparity in what we are willing to do, and there's a disparity between what i want to do and what I think I want to do....

 

[Curious_Red]

There's lots of things I want my wife to do to me, and it just doesn't happen. I live with it. I know it's not going to happen and there's no reason to push. I get in that same zone as you where I'd do damn near anything she'd ask or let her do whatever to me, and she rarely takes advantage of that; she has no desire to dominate me. But then I remember how much she likes being flogged and various other activities and that I have no desire to do that to her and she only gets that every once in a blue moon from a Dom and I realize we both have to sacrifice a little.

It may be as good as it's going to get for you. I'd do what Netzach says. I've read quite a bit of her posts and she seems pretty informed about this stuff!

 

[ecstaticsub]

My husband and I have been together for 28 years. Our sexual interests, kinks, fantasies whathaveyou have changed a bit over the years. We have always tried to be accepting of each others fantasies. We each have had situations where something that we fantasized about we knew would at least mildly freak the other out a little. So we have been able to over the years develop a way to tell the other, and be able to hear the fantasy without it affecting out marriage.

But I do it while we are sitting around relaxing having a glass of wine or something and tell him in a no pressure type of way. "Hubby, the last time we had sex I couldn't help it but I had this fantasy..." I pay very close attention to his reaction with each part I tell. He may laugh and say that'll never happen or he may surprise me. Which has happened with both of us.

There have been times when he has brought things up to me that at first have been absolute nevers. Even somethings that have really surprised me to a point that I felt unsettled. But after I let it sink in for a while, explore it a bit in fantasy, or gain more information on whatever that I begin to develop at least a curiosity for it. Some of those activities have become commonplace for us now.

If you share your fantasies or interest in a non-threatening way, without pressure or real expectation you have a lower chance of upsetting her or ruining what you already have. Make sure to encourage her to share her fantasies also.

Only you can really tell if you should tell her or not, what works for my marriage may not work for yours.

Good luck

 

[MALIBUMAN666]

Thanks again for your responses. I am too tired to type my thoughts now, I'm going to bed.

 

[myinnerslut]

subspace followed by sub frenzy.

this is what your mystery emotion followed by sudden increase in wanting to try this that and everything sound like to me.

 

[MALIBUMAN666]

do go on.

 

[Adakgirl]

Copy & pasted from Wikipedia-

Subspace is a metaphor for the state the submissive's mind and body is in during a deeply involved play scene. Many types of BDSM play invoke strong physical responses. The psychological aspect of BDSM also causes many submissives to mentally separate themselves from their environment as they process the experience. Deep subspace is often characterized as a state of deep recession and incoherence. Deep subspace may also cause a danger in newer submissives who are unfamiliar with the experience, and require the dominant to keep a careful watch to ensure the submissive isn't placing him or her self in danger. Many submissives require aftercare.

During the scene, the intense experiences of both pain and pleasure trigger a sympathetic nervous system response, which causes a release of epinephrine from the suprarenal glands, as well as a dump of endorphins and enkephalins. These natural chemicals, part of the fight or flight response produce the same effect as a morphine-like drug, increasing the pain tolerance of the submissive as the scene becomes more intense. Producing a sort of trance-like state due to the increase of hormones and chemicals, the submissive starts to feel out-of-body, detached from reality, and as the high comes down, and the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, a deep exhaustion, as well as incoherence. Many submissives once reaching a height of subspace will lose all sensation of pain, as any stimulus causes the period to prolong.



sub frenzy

What a submissive, usually new to BDSM, often experiences. It is a feeling of excitement in discovering the world of BDSM, leading them to want more and more and more, NOW! It can cause the submissive to make bad decisions about who to who to play with, often resulting in serious harm.