Too F*#%@^# Funny

[smoothdevil]

The sample


A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

 

[wally2450]

SEX ... The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.

 

[smoothdevil]

Can't waste Viagra

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

 

[wally2450]

Small hotel

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town,
which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with
me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you
be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me
at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all
that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel,
and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too!"

 

[Joey3308]

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
>
> The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
> best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
>
> The three men had always done everything together.
>
> Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
> said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
>
> The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
>
> The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to
> confirm the identity of the body.
>
> Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him
> over.'
>
> The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
>
> The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
>
> Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
>
> 'What? ! He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
>
> Then Gomer said, 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,
> 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

 

[smoothdevil]

OUCH

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

 

[wally2450]

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party
and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they
found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping
away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching
his breath,

"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were
a ghost!

What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled
my name!"

 

[wally2450]

Old man

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from
the couch and starts putting on his coat. His wife,
seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you
going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra
stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on
her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going?"

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what the hell do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty
old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

 

[wally2450]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series
Of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems
extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarr-
assed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the
hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him.

He started yelling, cursing , and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended
up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring
down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely
containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole
incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going
on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just
beat the shit out of a ghost."

 

[wally2450]

The New Element

Recent hurricanes and climatic issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element.

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction (that would normally take less than a second) any time from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which some of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Any questions?

 

[smoothdevil]

Halloween Humor


A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome Cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't
want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When
you're as old as I am And have been a nun as long as I
have, you get a chance to see and Hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
Say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about
that: #1, you have To be single and #2, you must be
Catholic."

The cab drive r is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm
going to a Halloween party.

 

[smoothdevil]

World's Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore


MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg





ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Barney Frank (D-Mass) & Boy George


MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill CLinton


MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden & Willie Nelson


THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates & The 'Donald'


THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman < /P>


THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry


AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian



ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel


THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson



DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by PETA



THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY




MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson



HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy




MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson




And the world's #1 thinnest book:

John Wayne's book on "How the Gay Cowboys Won the West"

 

[wally2450]

I have some neighbors that are lesbians and they have a child. It
occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples
that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting
another when he says "My mom can lick your mom any time."

The jury in the Phil Spector murder trial is hung, judge says. Maybe
I am a bit sensitive but is CNN trying to sneak in a little porn?
(Marsha Coleman)

To truly love another, you must first love yourself...And it wouldn't
hurt to wash your hands in between.

 

[keiffers]

 

[Lady Reiha]

Holy crap, he's like ringing the hell out of that bell
and I'm such a poet ^.~

 

[keiffers]

Holy crap, he's like ringing the hell out of that bell
and I'm such a poet ^.~

no kidding - I'm sure his mom probably had a heart attack while his dad is saying 'that's my boy' LOL

 

[smoothdevil]

Golf & Great Sex!


Three golfers, a son, a father and a grandfather were getting ready to tee off when a beautiful young woman asked if she could join them as a fourth. All of the men eagerly agreed. The young woman asked only that they agree not to try to coach or help her with her game.

The guys said, "no problem," and they started their round.

To the men's surprise, the woman played a wonderful round, and the men held to their promise not to interfere. On the last hole, she needed a birdie to score the best round of golf she had ever played. She needed to make about a 15 ft. side hill putt for a birdie.

After looking at the putt from every direction, she just couldn't decide what it would do. Finally she said, "I know I insisted on playing my own game, but if one of you guys can help me make this putt, I will give him the best night of sex you have ever had."

The son, claiming to have the best eyesight, told her he thought the ball would break about 8" to the right.

The father, claiming he had more experience on the greens said he thought it would break more like 12" to the right.

The grandfather looked at the beautiful girl, and grinning from ear to ear, walked over and picked up the girl's ball and handed it to her saying, "It's a gimmie

maturity rocks ... lol

 

[wally2450]

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY ON HALLOWEEN BUT AREN'T

10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something
in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and
knees and bob your head.
7. She's got a couple of nice
pumpkins on her porch.
6. If you just lick it,
it will last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack.
4. Can I eat your zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it
before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!

And the dirtiest sounding but
not-dirty Halloween saying is...

1.He's got candy spread out
on the living room floor!

 

[wally2450]

 

[wally2450]

Route 66

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one
guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere
they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to
relieve himself.

Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! A rattler bit my cock!"

"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone
and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds
a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.

"Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound
and suck out the poison."

"Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man.

"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So,
what did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-



Ice-cream

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop.
The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says,
"I'll have a vanilla."

Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and
says, "What do you want, fat head?"

The lady helping them says, "Why did you hit him in the
back of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man
wants:

The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that
nice big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice
truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house.
You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the
edge of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight
pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!"

 

[wally2450]

Mary: I can't believe how boring my life has become.

Jill: What do you mean?

Mary: The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm
trying to tell my cat I'm getting his food ready!

 

[smoothdevil]

RETIREMENT BONUS


If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "in Vietnam."

 

[smoothdevil]

RETIREMENT BONUS


If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "in Vietnam."

 

[smoothdevil]

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this
parking lot or on the road side.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning
.

 

[smoothdevil]

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS


Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off
for work leaving my husband in the house watching the
TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the
road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered
to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the
bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate
love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for
twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he
went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had
come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd
carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,
and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began
thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to
break free when I came back. But when I asked him why
neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and
admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go
from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can
get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that
the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery
pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter