Timeline

[red_rose]

January 1976 - My parents were married.

August 2000 - Dad moves out of the family home and gets an apartment close to where his new girlfriend lives.

January 2001 - Mom and Dad finalize their divorce.

March 2001 - Dad and his new g/f (along with her 12 year old daughter) move to Minnesota.

May 2001 - Dad and Beth (girlfriend) get married.

May 2002 - Beth finds out she's pregnant.

September 2002 - Dad tells the kids.



So... question?

When should we tell my mother? It's going to kill her as it is - they lived almost 25 years together, seemingly happy as clams. The divorce was quick and confusing. My mom is still reeling from the divorce, not to mention the remarriage.

As ridiculous as it is, my dad has asked for my opinion on when to tell my mom about the new baby. At first, I told him to wait about 3 months. Then he told me Beth was already 5 months pregnant.

I don't know what to say anymore. I just want to back away and let the shit hit the fan, but my mom has been through so much.

This would be less complicated if it weren't for the fact that my dad is planning to become more active in our lives again.

Comments? Questions? Suggestions?

 

[TWB]

Sue everyone.

Hire Ishmael

 

[Nora]

Oh jeez. jeez. And I'm assuming Dad's gonna have you tell her?

I'd get it over with. Think ripping the band-aid off, ya know? Plus it gives her time to get used to it before the actual event.

I'm thinking over chocolate sundaes. With extra hot-fudge.

 

[modest mouse]

If your confident that your mother wil not take it well then dealw ith it ASAP. For two reasons. Firstly to give her time to dealw ith the situation in he rmind before the child is born, the longer the period of time the better. Secondly, the longer the amount of time goes by the more significant feeling she could develop that it was 'hidden' from her.

Tell her soon and begin dealing with everyones feelings.

Talk to her, as a daughter and friend. Let her be pissy, if she is. Let her vent. But help her move past it too.

 

[red_rose]

We (the "kids") decided that he should tell her himself.



TWB -

 

[Guest]

 

[Nora]

We (the "kids") decided that he should tell her himself.



TWB -

GOOD! Make sure there's plenty of chocolate on hand for after the phone call, though.

 

[red_rose]

Oh... something else to think about:

He had a vasectomy back in 1986.

His mother is fairly well off. When my parents divorced, my mom was very worried about him starting a family with someone else and asked that part of the divorce state that his first 3 kids be the only ones included in any wills. (I think that was stupid, but she was just looking out for us, I know.)

He assured her that it wasn't necessary since he wasn't able to have any more children.

He had a vasectomy reversal last year.

 

[Bindii]

I agree get your Dad to tell your mother asap, she will need time to get used to the idea before the baby is born.

 

[red_rose]

Okay... so... fast and painless (hopefully).

I'll make sure the "kids" are all around when it happens so that we can be there for her.

I just wish it wasn't all happening so quickly.

 

[Guest]

GOOD! Make sure there's plenty of chocolate on hand for after the phone call, though.

__________

I think Rosey that you should coordinate the time with your dad when he tells your mom first, and then follow-up with your mom with support.

 

[Jim_Henson]

Go with the mouse.

 

[Bindii]

Oh... something else to think about:

He had a vasectomy back in 1986.

His mother is fairly well off. When my parents divorced, my mom was very worried about him starting a family with someone else and asked that part of the divorce state that his first 3 kids be the only ones included in any wills. (I think that was stupid, but she was just looking out for us, I know.)

He assured her that it wasn't necessary since he wasn't able to have any more children.

He had a vasectomy reversal last year.

Oh boy is your mother going to be pissed now!

Better make is a triple fudge sundae.

 

[TWB]

In all seriousness, this is a fairly common problem in estate planning. Usually, father will create a trust which cares for 2nd wife for life and then splits assets between children from both marriages. In most states if it goes through a will wife will get it all.

Bummer.


Kill her first, Rose.









(heh. Disclaimer: I may not know what the fuck I am talkiing about so don't even think about considering this to be legal advice, or I and any other lawyer will laugh at you.)

 

[red_rose]

Kill her first, Rose.

She's too nice. That makes it very difficult to hate her - even more difficult to plot her demise.

 

[fgarvb1]

red_rose

Life gets strange and stressful sometimes. How are you doing with all of this?

 

[ksmybuttons]

I don't think it is your father's responsibility to tell your mother. They are no longer a couple and their only connection is you children. He moved on.

Your mother, however, does not sound like she has moved on. Maybe, rather than telling your mother that your father is having a child, how about telling her that you are getting a half sibling?

My parents were married for 30 years before they were divorced. I helped my mother process. What a burden to place on one's children...Good luck. I know it is hard.

 

[ridddder]

New age family man?

The next neoteric family saga unwinds..... Wow I don't have problems this significant, other than a brother I am in business with that never comes to work half the time. I dont' think there is a good way, noting can soften the blow....just ask to come over have a cup of tea, and be there for her. Just showing you care is the most important, remember it was his selfishness that started this whole thing.

Life is isn't ever easy.....

Time is too slow for those who wait,
too swift for those who fear,
too long for those who grieve,
too short for those who rejoice,
but for those who love, time is not.

-Henry Van Dyke

Give your mom support and love, and she will survive.

 

[ksmybuttons]

Re: New age family man?

remember it was his selfishness that started this whole thing.


Give your mom support and love, and she will survive.

I see a bias here. He has a right to a life that makes him happy. He obviously wasn't where he was. No one knows what goes on in an intimate relationship with someone, especially not the children.

Certainly give your mom support, but your father needs some, too.

 

[red_rose]

I've given my father all of the support that I can and received nothing in return. He's become very good at being very selfish.

Argh.

I'm going to shut up and go to bed now.

Thank you all for your input and support.