Tiffany's Lessons

[shin1to]

I would really like to get comments from other writers on the Tiffany stories I have done. They are in the interracial section. The title of Chapter one is Tiffany's Lessons Begin.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=73747

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

Mahalo,

Shin


Shin1to@graffiti.net

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I just finished the first installment, but wanted to tell you that I was really impressed. Haven’t even gotten into the sex yet, but the writing is beautiful: very natural, very professional. I must say that I found it an odd place to stop a story, and I kind of wonder why you chose to break it there.

My only beef would be the over use of ellpises: the three dots . . . Normally an ellipsis is used to indicate an unfinished thought or statement, and their overuse makes parts of the prose seem kind of vague and uncertain, as if you can’t quite find the right words and so…

I think you could replace a lot of these with more conventional punctuation or by changing the sentence structure, but aside from that…

See! Now you’ve got me doing it!

Really. I thought Chapter 1 was very impressive. I’ll let you know later what I think of the subsequent chapters

---dr.M.

 

[shin1to]

I just finished the first installment, but wanted to tell you that I was really impressed. Haven’t even gotten into the sex yet, but the writing is beautiful: very natural, very professional. I must say that I found it an odd place to stop a story, and I kind of wonder why you chose to break it there.

My only beef would be the over use of ellpises: the three dots . . . Normally an ellipsis is used to indicate an unfinished thought or statement, and their overuse makes parts of the prose seem kind of vague and uncertain, as if you can’t quite find the right words and so…

I think you could replace a lot of these with more conventional punctuation or by changing the sentence structure, but aside from that…

See! Now you’ve got me doing it!

Really. I thought Chapter 1 was very impressive. I’ll let you know later what I think of the subsequent chapters

---dr.M.

Dr M -

Thanks very much for taking the time to read Tiffany. I appreciate it. Also, thanks for your thoughtful and perceptive comments. They mean a lot to me.

In answer to your questions, it may help to observe that I have been a journalist for years, but wrote virtually no fiction. This was my first foray. I broke the story off where I did because I wanted to see a reaction to it before going further. As the initial reaction was very positive, I went forward with a few more chapters. I stopped because the feedback from readers halted even though the reading count continued to advance.

Regarding ellipses, I wanted to give the reader a signal to slow down and visualise. I agree with you that it was clumsy, but I had no better idea.

I look forward to any further comments you might want to offer.

Mahalo,

Shin

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Okay, I’ve read the rest, though I had to skim a bunch of it. The writing continues strong, but I’ve got to tell you: as delightful and clever the geography-lesson approach was (and it was very clever), I really think it goes on for too long.

Overall I have to say that this must be the longest seduction scene I have ever read here at Lit. <*L*>. From the time they get in the limo to the time when there’s any truly intimate genital contact must be about 5-6 Literotica pages, and I think this has to be a record. The fact that you can pull this off is a testimony to your writing skill--because you do pull it off, and that’s not easy--but for me, reading it in one sitting, it just went on for too long. Both the geography lesson conceit and the foreplay were too drawn out for my tastes, and I really was impatient to see where it would finally end up. That’s why I started skimming. I kept on thinking, “Get to the point already!”

(I have to tweak you too for Joseph asking her what city Mt Kilamanjaro was in. He tells her Tanzania. I’m sure it was just a little lapse on your part. Other than that I’m afraid I learned more about African geography than I ever did in school. . But I thought the lowest point in Africa was in the Great Rift Valley. That would have figured into your story quite nicely: him trying to get his fingers into the Great Rift.)

I understand what you say about the ellipsis, but as I was reading the rest of your story I realized that most of the time you use them where a period or comma was really needed and would have worked just as well. Once you’ve seen your tenth or twelfth string of little dots, it loses its effectiveness, and the reader stops taking it as a sign to stop and ponder. And by then it’s lost its original meaning so you don’t have it when you really need it. On the other hand, it does givce your writing a certain kind of personal style.

In any case, from the string of little H’s next to the stories, it’s obvious that you’re doing something right as far as your readers go, so maybe you should take my comments with a grain of salt.

The writing continued to imnpress. You handle dialogue especially well, and your characters have real depth and life. I never once sat up and said “Wait a minute. People don’t talk like that!”, and I got so interested in what they were doing that after a while I stopped noticing the style at all (except for the . . . ), which is a sign to me of someone who’s really mastered their craft.

---dr.M.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Okay, I’ve read the rest, though I had to skim a bunch of it. The writing continues strong, but I’ve got to tell you: as delightful and clever the geography-lesson approach was (and it was very clever), I really think it goes on for too long.

Overall I have to say that this must be the longest seduction scene I have ever read here at Lit. <*L*>. From the time they get in the limo to the time when there’s any truly intimate genital contact must be about 5-6 Literotica pages, and I think this has to be a record. The fact that you can pull this off is a testimony to your writing skill--because you do pull it off, and that’s not easy--but for me, reading it in one sitting, it just went on for too long. Both the geography lesson conceit and the foreplay were too drawn out for my tastes, and I really was impatient to see where it would finally end up. That’s why I started skimming. I kept on thinking, “Get to the point already!”

(I have to tweak you too for Joseph asking her what city Mt Kilamanjaro was in. He tells her Tanzania. I’m sure it was just a little lapse on your part. Other than that I’m afraid I learned more about African geography than I ever did in school. . But I thought the lowest point in Africa was in the Great Rift Valley. That would have figured into your story quite nicely: him trying to get his fingers into the Great Rift.)

I understand what you say about the ellipsis, but as I was reading the rest of your story I realized that most of the time you use them where a period or comma was really needed and would have worked just as well. Once you’ve seen your tenth or twelfth string of little dots, it loses its effectiveness, and the reader stops taking it as a sign to stop and ponder. And by then it’s lost its original meaning so you don’t have it when you really need it. On the other hand, it does givce your writing a certain kind of personal style.

In any case, from the string of little H’s next to the stories, it’s obvious that you’re doing something right as far as your readers go, so maybe you should take my comments with a grain of salt.

The writing continued to imnpress. You handle dialogue especially well, and your characters have real depth and life. I never once sat up and said “Wait a minute. People don’t talk like that!”, and I got so interested in what they were doing that after a while I stopped noticing the style at all (except for the . . . ), which is a sign to me of someone who’s really mastered their craft.

---dr.M.

I wanted to concur with Doc. Dialogue is my achillies heel, but yours is superb. Grats on such a solid grasp of how people speak to one another.

-Colly

 

[shin1to]

Dr M -

Again, thanks for taking the time to share your observations with me. I appreciate your putting that much attention and thought into your note to me.

With regard to the length of the geography-lesson, I have to confess that it was a reaction (never a good idea, right?) to other stories. I had read a lot of 'sex stories' and felt that many of them jumped into the sex WAY too soon, kind of like a person going off the high dive rather than putting his toe in the water to get the feel of it, so I didn't want to make the same mistake. I thought it was a real turnoff. Like I said, I was reacting. Also, to be perfectly honest, I was feeling my way along (not intended) and wasn't sure that the story wouldn't end with a sex scene and be over. I was enjoying it and didn't want to end it too soon.

Thanks for the observation on Tanzania. It was a mistake on my part. I agree with you about the name of the Great Rift Valley, but the CIA website said the lowest point was Lake Assal.

I appreciate your ideas about the ellipsis. I find that I use it in letters a lot, too. Probably just laziness. Although I don't dare in this one. LOL

I don't take your comments with a grain of salt at all. You have shared some very intelligent and perceptive observations and I am extremely grateful for them. As a matter of fact, I have to say that your two notes have made the entire Tiffany experiment worth the effort.

Thanks for your comments on dialogue. That was very nice to learn. I almost feel like I can't take credit for it at all. The dialogue just came to me as I was imagining the scene. I am a bicycle rider and pretty much worked through the story in my head while riding. So, when I finally sat down to write it, it pretty much flowed.

Again, my heartfelt thanks for your comments.

Mahalo,

Shin

 

[shin1to]

I wanted to concur with Doc. Dialogue is my achillies heel, but yours is superb. Grats on such a solid grasp of how people speak to one another.

-Colly

Colly -

Thanks very much for your kind comments. I am happy to learn that the dialogue worked for you, too.

BTW, I read one of your stories and wasn't put off at all by the dialogue. You aren't being your most harsh critic, are you?

LOL Also, you managed to answer something I had always wondered about, ie., are lesbian lovers as interested in breasts as guys? I can understand why we are fascinated by women's breasts, but since a woman already has a pair of her own, it seemed not as sexually appealing as to a man.

Mahalo,

Shin

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Shin,

Your experience as a journalist shows, but so does your lack of experience writing fiction. There are "tricks of the trade" for fiction just like there are for journalism. If you're willing to invest the time to learn and practice the craft of writing fiction, IMHO, you've got the potential to become very good.

Here are a few suggestions:

Until you're an established fiction writer, don't muck around with unconventional punctuation. Use words to tell the story; not punctuation. Doc's point about your overuse of ellipsis was first-rate. IMHO, they were a distraction.

Try to avoid using numerically precise measurements for your characters. In erotica, it marks you as an amateur. There are exceptions to that "rule"; but not many.

Avoid wordiness. Re-read Strunk and White. Believe it. As a journalist, you've spent your career being hounded by word limits. So there's a tendency to get e-x-p-a-n-s-i-v-e when turning to fiction. But remember, Ernest Hemingway and Stephen Crane were journalist and they managed to avoid the tendency. So can you.

I wish you luck, envy your potential, and look forward to your next post. Come visit the Author's Hangout sometime and spread a little wit and wisdom among that unique collection of flotsam and jetsam. But I wouldn't tell 'em you know Doc or me. Better say Colly sent you.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Shin,

Your experience as a journalist shows, but so does your lack of experience writing fiction. There are "tricks of the trade" for fiction just like there are for journalism. If you're willing to invest the time to learn and practice the craft of writing fiction, IMHO, you've got the potential to become very good.

Here are a few suggestions:

Until you're an established fiction writer, don't muck around with unconventional punctuation. Use words to tell the story; not punctuation. Doc's point about your overuse of ellipsis was first-rate. IMHO, they were a distraction.

Try to avoid using numerically precise measurements for your characters. In erotica, it marks you as an amateur. There are exceptions to that "rule"; but not many.

Avoid wordiness. Re-read Strunk and White. Believe it. As a journalist, you've spent your career being hounded by word limits. So there's a tendency to get e-x-p-a-n-s-i-v-e when turning to fiction. But remember, Ernest Hemingway and Stephen Crane were journalist and they managed to avoid the tendency. So can you.

I wish you luck, envy your potential, and look forward to your next post. Come visit the Author's Hangout sometime and spread a little wit and wisdom among that unique collection of flotsam and jetsam. But I wouldn't tell 'em you know Doc or me. Better say Colly sent you.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[shin1to]

Rumple -

Thanks very much for your comments. I appreciate your thoughts and insights, also your suggestions.

Mahalo,

Shin