This year's winners!

[Huckleman2000]

I buried a link in another thread, but after reading more of these, decided that it really deserves a thread of its own.

Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest

An international literary parody contest, the competition honors the memory (if not the reputation) of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873). The goal of the contest is childishly simple: entrants are challenged to submit bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Although best known for "The Last Days of Pompeii" (1834), which has been made into a movie three times, originating the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword," and phrases like "the great unwashed" and "the almighty dollar," Bulwer-Lytton opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words that the "Peanuts" beagle Snoopy plagiarized for years, "It was a dark and stormy night."

The contest began in 1982 as a quiet campus affair, attracting only three submissions. This response being a thunderous success by academic standards, the contest went public the following year and ever since has attracted thousands of annual entries from all over the world.

My favorite so far [that could be adapted to Lit]:

After she realized the man she had fallen in love with was her long lost twin brother and they must break up immediately, they shared one last kiss that left a bitter yet sweet taste in her mouth--kind of like throwing up after eating a junior mint.
Tami Farmer, Rome, GA

Enjoy!

 

[Lavared]

Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, 
his weathered face resembling improperly cured leather that
 wouldn't even be used to make a coat or something.

*snicker*

 

[The_Darkness]

As the crowd drew in hushed breaths of anticipation, their eyes were glued to the experimental spaceship which would either be the final straw of the space program or its greatest accomplishment; inside the ship, strapped firmly into his launch seat, Captain McGinness had one horrible thought rolling slowly through his head: "Did I leave the iron on?"

 

[Lavared]

LOL. That is funny.

 

[cheerful_deviant]

Inside his cardboard box, Greg heated a dented can of Spaghetti-O's over a small fire made from discarded newspapers, then cracked open his last can of shoplifted generic beer to celebrate the 10th anniversary of his embarkation on a career as a freelance writer.

Does this apply to anyone here?

In considering the wisdom of entering upon an affair of the heart with the redoubtable Miss Ffiona Sensuosa, MacFadden Perfidy weighed the undeniable erotic advantages of such a confluence of physiologically coinciding characteristics against the demonstrably unfortunate fact of her exhibiting pronounced advantages over him in terms of wealth, intelligence and personality, and concluded that their union could possibly be inadvisable.

Holy thesaurus Batman!

 

[Lavared]

* bump *

In case someone missed it the first time around. This is genuinely funny.