This Redhead loves to laugh: My Jokes

[Rhandie]

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with
a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class
by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities
as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead
body,withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking
turns,sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after
withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and
told them:" The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle
finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"

 

[Rhandie]

Laugh, Laugh, Laugh... it is good for the Soul!

Subject: After a time--we need a laugh.
>
> Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly
> there is a beeping
> sound.
> The first man presses his forearm and the beeping
> stops. The others look at
> him questioningly.
> "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip
> under the skin of my arm."
> A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man
> lifts his palm to his
> ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile
> phone. I have a
> microchip in my hand."
> The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out
> of the sauna. In a few
> minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper
> extending from his
> posterior. The others raise their eyebrows.
> "I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

 

[Rhandie]

Alabama Hunting

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his
head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.
I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

 

[Rhandie]

I surround myself with professional people, many of my friends are Doctors and Lawyers... Knowing that I love to laugh they send me a lot of their professional jokes....



A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young
woman entered, with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange
clothing.

It was quickly determined the patient had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there
was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

 

[Rhandie]

One of my favorites, being a woman and all...

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,
> > where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
> > looking tired and somber I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,"
> > he said as he surveyed the worried faces. The only hope left for
> > your loved one at this time is a brain transplant It's an
> > experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for
> > the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they
> > absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
> > "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly
> > responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
> > brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to
> > smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually
> > smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
> > question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much
> > more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the
> > entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We
> > have to mark down the price of the female brains, because
> > they've actually been used."

 

[Rhandie]

Humm, would you buy this pot?

 

[Rhandie]

I love this one. Being a bumper sticker reader and all...

 

[Rhandie]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A very hot,
dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh ... if I go down three
inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, " Gosh if that fly goes down three
inches ... that fish will jump for the fly ... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing
to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three
inches ... and that fish leaps for it.... that bear will expose himself and
grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You're probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but
there was more... A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, " Gosh ...
if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly ...
and that bear grabs for that fish ... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear
and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, "Gosh... if that
fly goes down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that
bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that
mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for
lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling
mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs the fish...,
the hunter shoots the bear ... the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...the cat
jumps for the mouse ... the mouse ducks... the cat falls into the water and
drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some
pussy is in danger.

Okay, it is your turn to make me laugh...

Like Tiger says, TTFN,
Rhandie

 

[thumbs2_ca]

This is the kind of race I would train for!

 

[FantasyGoddess]

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with
a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with
the body covered with a white sheet. Then the professor started the class
by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities
as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the ass of the dead
body,withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his students. The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking
turns,sunk their finger in the ass of the dead body and sucked it after
withdrawing it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and
told them:" The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle
finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"

Grosss...

 

[Simply Me]

Alabama Hunting

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his
head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.
I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

LOL I love this one! ( Go Bama, heh )

 

[thumbs2_ca]

I am not sure if I posted this on another thread or not.

 

[Rhandie]

ROFWL! Love that cartoon!

Here is one that I had saved from about two years ago. It is a great giggle for those of us who enjoy our minds a little too much:

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it.


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how
the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that
souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering
Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world
today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume
in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:


1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.


2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by
Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold
day in Hell before I sleep with you." And take into account the fact
that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
will not freeze.


The student received the only "A"

 

[DriveSouth]

This sense of humor

And you never told me you were a redhead.

*wink*

Love you redheads!

 

[Rhandie]

Hey Driver,
Now how could I have left that out? It is *one* of my best features.

(Smile)

Still Rhandie

 

[thumbs2_ca]

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and an American are out walking on the beach. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will grant each of you each one wish," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a
blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

The American (a civil engineer) said, "I'm curious. Before I make my wish, please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick
and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out, it's
virtually impenetrable."

The American says, "Fill it with water."

 

[thumbs2_ca]

A golfer whose car broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard.

He sat down on the bus, with his pockets still full of golf balls,
next to a little old lady.

The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging
pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her he turned and said, "It's golf balls".

The little old lady continued to look at him very thoughtfully and
finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

 

[Guest]

Imagine an incredibly handsome guy.
A romantic dinner.
Your Favorite restraunt.
Candlelight.
He is cool, intelligent, rich.
His kisses send shivers up and down your spine.
He dances like a dream date.
All your friends are crazy about him;
Your parents adore him

He asks you to marry him,
but tells you, "No sex until our honeymoon"

You, of course agree.
You have the most beautiful wedding dress.
The cake is to die for.
The flowers fill the air with their heady fragrance.
The day could not be better.
The reception is the party of the century...

And then, the honey moon.

A beautiful romantic setting.
A caribbean Isle.

And the first time you lie down with him you see...

 

[Rhandie]

Paraphrasing a joke I once read:

A 35 year old woman is still living at home. One day her father is heading to his bedroom and passes by her bedroom on the way and hears a strange buzzing noise. He opens the door and peeks in. He sees his daughter playing with a vibrator in her bed.

Not knowing what to say he shuts the door and continues on, perplexed....

Later that night he tells his wife what he saw and asks her what he thinks she should do about it. The wife then tells him that she was doing the laundry in the basement the week before and heard the same buzzing noise from the spare room in the basement. She tells him that she walked in and caught her daughter on the couch with a vibrator. She said, "What are you doing!" and her daughter had said, "look mom, lets face facts. I am 35 I still live at home with my parents, I have no prospects for a date, and this is the closest thing that I will ever see to a husband. In fact I consider my vibrator my husband." at that the mom retreated, not knowing how, or even if, she should respond.

After hearing this story the father began to think...

Later that night he was sitting in front of the TV watching Monday night Football. On the couch next to him was the vibrator, turned on, buzzing away. The daughter arrived home from work and took a look at her Dad, sitting there next to her vibrator and said, "Daddy! What are you doing!?"

"Oh I am watching the game with my new son-in-law"

 

[ExLimey]

Favorite Blond Jokes

With my sincere apologies to any blonds who may read this, no offense was meant:

Just some fav blond jokes:

What do a 747 and a bleach blond have in common?

They both have a little black box!

 

[Rhandie]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees
a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy
says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what
happened to this Parrot?"


The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a
defective parrot."


"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually
understood and answered me!"


"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to
be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."


"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how
do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"


"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing
but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this
wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it
because of my feathers."


"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and
speak English, can't you?"


"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I
can converse with reasonable competence on almost
any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to
buy me. I'd be a great companion."


The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I
just can't afford that."


"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the
truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an
offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.


Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great
sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from
work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him
over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this
or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."


"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.


"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him
at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."


"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"


"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up
her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.


"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"


"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and
began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and
slowly going down...."


"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"


"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.

 

[Rhandie]

THINGS TO DO AT WALMART WHILE YOUR FRIENDS/FAMILY TAKE THEIR OWN SWEET TIME

Rated PG-13

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I
think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only
invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and
ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while
you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission
Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different
size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through
whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of
toilet paper in here!"

 

[Rhandie]

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

 

[Rhandie]

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having
a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and
it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power
was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to
a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop
was the correct size and pitch.


So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.


NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still strapped securely in
place, was the trailer.

 

[Rhandie]

"The Bricklayer"


Someone shared a story with me about a bricklayer who
had an accident on a construction site and had to supply
some additional information to the insurance company as
to why the acident occured.


I'm a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident
I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story
building.
When I completed my work, I discovered that I had
about five hundred pounds of bricks left over.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided
to lower them in a barrel (using a pulley that was
fortunately attached to the side of the building at the
sixth floor).
Once I had secured the rope at the ground level, I
went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded
the bricks into it.
Then, I went back to the ground and untied the rope,
holding the rope tight to insure a slow descent of the
five hundred pounds of bricks.
You will note in block #2 of the accident report form
that I stated, I only weighed 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so
suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let
go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather
rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming down. This explains the fractured skull and
broken collarbone.
Slowed down only slightly and continued my rapid
ascent, not stopping until my right hand was two
knuckles deep into the pulley.
Unfortunately, I had regained my presence of mind and
was able to hold tightly to the rope, inspite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of
bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the
barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel
now weighed approximately fifty pounds. I refer you
again to my weight in block #2.
As you might imagine, I began a rather rapid descent
down the side of the building. Again, in the vicinity of
the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for my two fractured ankles and the
lacerations of my leg and lower body. This encounter
with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell onto the pile of bricks.
Fortunately, only three of my vertebrae were cracked.
I'm sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the
pile of bricks, unable to stand or move. Watching the
empty barrel swinging six stories above me. Paralyzed in
agony. I again lost my presence of mind and let go of
the rope.
The empty barrel, now weighing more than the rope.
Came back down and broke both my legs.
I hope that I have furished the information that you
require as to how the accident occured. Of course, if
any more information is needed. I can be reached a the
local hospital. Not like I'm going anywhere soon.


Moral: Never work alone!

Thank You,
The Idiot