This Redhead loves to laugh: My Jokes
- Thread starter Rhandie
- Start date
Guys, if the idea of Circumscision makes you cringe then do not click this one.
http://www.twistedhumor.com/program_files/2001/secondworstthing.html
http://www.twistedhumor.com/program_files/2001/secondworstthing.html
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: a foursome.
Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
By the way, I love blondes.
A: Who cares?
Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.
Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: a foursome.
Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
By the way, I love blondes.
OSAMA AND SADDAM
http://www.policehumor.com/saddam
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<a href="http://www.policehumor.com/saddam">
OSAMA AND SADDAM</a>
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<a href="http://www.policehumor.com/saddam">
OSAMA AND SADDAM</a>
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor
arrived, examined the baby and asked if the baby was
breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist, "the doctor
ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No
wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm
glad I came."
room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor
arrived, examined the baby and asked if the baby was
breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist, "the doctor
ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both
breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No
wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm
glad I came."
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business
has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperatethat she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my
house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you
for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself..
"Brandi, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket."
has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperatethat she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my
house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you
for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself..
"Brandi, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket."
Kids
My son came home from school one day,
a smirk was on his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough
To put me in my place.
HE SAID:
Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today:
THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.
IT SAYS:
I don't have to clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
How to speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom FROM religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Be tattooed from head to toes.
AND if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with the crime,
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
HE SAID:
Don't you ever touch me,
This body's for MY use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's just more child abuse.
HE CONTINUED WITH:
Don't preach about your morals,
Like your mama did to you.
That's nothing but your mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services,
Better known as C.S.D.
MY TURN!
Well, of course, my natural instinct
Was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach a lesson,
Made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A little smile crept to my face...
He was messing with a pro!
AND AWAY WE GO!
Next day I took him shopping,
At the local Good Will store,
I told him, "pick out all you want!
There are shirts & pants galore."
I've called and checked with C.S.D.,
They said they didn't care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes,
Instead of Nike Airs.
OH! And...
I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned,
So I'll decide what's best.
I SAID:
No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch,
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.
Just save that raging appetite,
And wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions.
It's a favorite dish of mine.
He ASKED:
Can we stop to rent a movie,
So I can watch the VCR?
Sorry, I said, I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You can take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof above your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose the food we eat,
That allowance that you used to get
Will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the PARENTS' BILL OF RIGHTS,
It's in effect today!
Hey, Hot Shot, are you crying?
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you?
....GO CALL THE C.S.D
My son came home from school one day,
a smirk was on his face.
He'd decided he was smart enough
To put me in my place.
HE SAID:
Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
That's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today:
THE CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS.
IT SAYS:
I don't have to clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair.
No one can tell me what to think,
How to speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom FROM religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure DON'T HAVE TO PRAY.
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Be tattooed from head to toes.
AND if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with the crime,
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
HE SAID:
Don't you ever touch me,
This body's for MY use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
That's just more child abuse.
HE CONTINUED WITH:
Don't preach about your morals,
Like your mama did to you.
That's nothing but your mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services,
Better known as C.S.D.
MY TURN!
Well, of course, my natural instinct
Was to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach a lesson,
Made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A little smile crept to my face...
He was messing with a pro!
AND AWAY WE GO!
Next day I took him shopping,
At the local Good Will store,
I told him, "pick out all you want!
There are shirts & pants galore."
I've called and checked with C.S.D.,
They said they didn't care,
If I bought you K-Mart shoes,
Instead of Nike Airs.
OH! And...
I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned,
So I'll decide what's best.
I SAID:
No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch,
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.
Just save that raging appetite,
And wait 'til dinner time.
We're having liver and onions.
It's a favorite dish of mine.
He ASKED:
Can we stop to rent a movie,
So I can watch the VCR?
Sorry, I said, I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You can take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof above your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose the food we eat,
That allowance that you used to get
Will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the PARENTS' BILL OF RIGHTS,
It's in effect today!
Hey, Hot Shot, are you crying?
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you?
....GO CALL THE C.S.D
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
April 1998
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened, I must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it
to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
into my suit. This is worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
Anyway the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me.
I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.
Your Brother,
Diver Dan
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened, I must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it
to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
into my suit. This is worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
Anyway the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me.
I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.
Your Brother,
Diver Dan
A post for the athletically challenged:
HEALTH TIPS AND NEWS: The Straight Dope On Food, Health, & Exercise:
Q: I've heard cardiovascular exercise prolongs life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears
out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of a car by driving
faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. A steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier
point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide
everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are
not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a
body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two
bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the
bench press. What did he mean? A: "Spotting" for someone means you
stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted
practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY
reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your
exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain - Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a
sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll
probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods
are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
HEALTH TIPS AND NEWS: The Straight Dope On Food, Health, & Exercise:
Q: I've heard cardiovascular exercise prolongs life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears
out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of a car by driving
faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. A steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). A pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier
point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide
everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are
not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing,
right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a
body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two
bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the
bench press. What did he mean? A: "Spotting" for someone means you
stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted
practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY
reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your
exercise program.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain - Good.
Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a
sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll
probably stress yourself to death in record time.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods
are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around
the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
A young man was walking on the beach one day and spied
another man sunning himself on a beach towel. He noticed
that the man's body was proportionately larger than his
head and was caught staring when the sunning man opened
his eyes.
"I'm sorry," the young man said, "I don't mean to stare
but I couldn't help but notice that your body and head
are not in proportion."
"Oh that," said the man. "Sit down and have a beer and
I'll tell you the story about that."
"One day I was on this very beach and I saw a mermaid
out there on the rocks combing her hair. I snuck out
there and caught her and, as you might know, the mermaid
must give you three wishes to be set free. I had always
been a 97-pound- weakling type of fellow so I
immediately wished for the body of Charles Atlas the
body builder. So this was granted and as you can see, I
have a well-built body."
"So I'm thinking I'll be able to get girls so I will
need a place to take them - so I wished for a mansion on
the beach and this is it behind us. So now all I needed
was the girl, right?
So I turned to this beautiful mermaid and told her I
wished to make love to her." "She apologized but could
not accommodate me because from the waist down she was
just a fish."
"So I said, how about a little head?"
another man sunning himself on a beach towel. He noticed
that the man's body was proportionately larger than his
head and was caught staring when the sunning man opened
his eyes.
"I'm sorry," the young man said, "I don't mean to stare
but I couldn't help but notice that your body and head
are not in proportion."
"Oh that," said the man. "Sit down and have a beer and
I'll tell you the story about that."
"One day I was on this very beach and I saw a mermaid
out there on the rocks combing her hair. I snuck out
there and caught her and, as you might know, the mermaid
must give you three wishes to be set free. I had always
been a 97-pound- weakling type of fellow so I
immediately wished for the body of Charles Atlas the
body builder. So this was granted and as you can see, I
have a well-built body."
"So I'm thinking I'll be able to get girls so I will
need a place to take them - so I wished for a mansion on
the beach and this is it behind us. So now all I needed
was the girl, right?
So I turned to this beautiful mermaid and told her I
wished to make love to her." "She apologized but could
not accommodate me because from the waist down she was
just a fish."
"So I said, how about a little head?"
A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited
for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to
follow her. By following her he found out she was
working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The
cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go
inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in
the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie
goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked
open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is
kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to
the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws
the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the
cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK
IN FOR YOURS!!".
for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to
follow her. By following her he found out she was
working in a whorehouse.
The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?" The
cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".
The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go
inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in
the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie
goes in.
A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked
open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is
kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to
the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws
the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"
The man looks down at the girl and says to the
cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".
The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK
IN FOR YOURS!!".
Well, being very anti-red tape, when I got this one in my mail box I felt I had to share it. Sorry about the leading >'s
Our bureaucracy at work...
> >
> > A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He
> > was told the loan would be granted if he could prove
> > satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as
> > collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803,
> > which took the lawyer three months to track down.
> >
> > After sending the information to the FHA, he received the
> > following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your
> > letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note
> > that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.
> >
> > While we compliment the able manner in which you have
> > prepared and presented the application, we must point out
> > that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral
> > property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
> > accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to
> > its origin."
> >
> > Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
> > "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been
> > received. I note that you wish to have title extended
> > further than the 194 years covered by the present
> > application.
> >
> > I was unaware that any educated person in this country,
> > particularly those working in the property area, would not
> > know that Louisiana was purchased by the US from France in
> > 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
> > For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the
> > title to the land prior to US ownership was obtained from
> > France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from
> > Spain.
> >
> > The land came into possession of Spain by Right of
> > Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
> > Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of
> > seeking a new route to India by the reigning monarch,
> > Isabella.
> >
> > The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about
> > titles, almost as much as the F.H.A.,took the precaution of
> > securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her
> > jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm
> > sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, The Son of
> > God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.
> >
> > Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also
> > made that part of the World called Louisiana. He,
> > therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you
> > find His original claim to be satisfactory.
> >
> > Now, May we have our damn loan?"
> >
> >
> >
> > They got the loan - - true story.
Our bureaucracy at work...
> >
> > A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He
> > was told the loan would be granted if he could prove
> > satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as
> > collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803,
> > which took the lawyer three months to track down.
> >
> > After sending the information to the FHA, he received the
> > following reply (actual letter): "Upon review of your
> > letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note
> > that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title.
> >
> > While we compliment the able manner in which you have
> > prepared and presented the application, we must point out
> > that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral
> > property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
> > accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to
> > its origin."
> >
> > Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
> > "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been
> > received. I note that you wish to have title extended
> > further than the 194 years covered by the present
> > application.
> >
> > I was unaware that any educated person in this country,
> > particularly those working in the property area, would not
> > know that Louisiana was purchased by the US from France in
> > 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
> > For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the
> > title to the land prior to US ownership was obtained from
> > France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from
> > Spain.
> >
> > The land came into possession of Spain by Right of
> > Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
> > Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of
> > seeking a new route to India by the reigning monarch,
> > Isabella.
> >
> > The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about
> > titles, almost as much as the F.H.A.,took the precaution of
> > securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her
> > jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm
> > sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, The Son of
> > God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.
> >
> > Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also
> > made that part of the World called Louisiana. He,
> > therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to hell you
> > find His original claim to be satisfactory.
> >
> > Now, May we have our damn loan?"
> >
> >
> >
> > They got the loan - - true story.
A lady gynecologist has a burning desire to get out of the medical rat
race, change careers and become a mechanic.
She found out from her local tech college what was involved. She signed
up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler."
race, change careers and become a mechanic.
She found out from her local tech college what was involved. She signed
up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler."
The Deserted Island
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to the English Island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, They have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a liter of coconut whiskey. However, they're
satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true
nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin and hair, how she can do
anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do,
and how her relationship with her mother is the cause of her problems, and why
didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued
so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a menage a trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits
with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to the English Island.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor
store/restaurant/laundry, They have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a liter of coconut whiskey. However, they're
satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.
The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true
nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin and hair, how she can do
anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do,
and how her relationship with her mother is the cause of her problems, and why
didn't they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued
so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it
because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and
stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the
bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he
would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse
into the creek. So he got a large stick and started
pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek
and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the
little boy asked why. The dad replied,"someone pushed the
outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't
it,son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment
and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into
trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father
wasn't in that cherry tree."
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it
because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and
stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the
bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he
would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse
into the creek. So he got a large stick and started
pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek
and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the
little boy asked why. The dad replied,"someone pushed the
outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't
it,son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment
and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into
trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father
wasn't in that cherry tree."
The Horse And Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the
chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to
safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be
found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
mud
hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend,
the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from
sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in
the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud
hole.
The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help
from the farmer.
The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So
he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab
for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a
horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse
falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the
chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to
safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be
found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the
mud
hole and ties some rope around the bumper.
He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend,
the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from
sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in
the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud
hole.
The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help
from the farmer.
The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So
he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab
for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."
And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a
horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,
Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans
over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on
Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the
startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I
have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When
things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss
me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay
and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What
are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I
have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really
steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,
Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac
and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights
it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms
upwards and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the
fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.
It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans
over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on
Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the
startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I
have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When
things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss
me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay
and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What
are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I
have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really
steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,
Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac
and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights
it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms
upwards and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the
fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"
A priest is in his church on Saturday
afternoon hearing confessions. A man
walks in, kneels down and says, "Father, it
has been two weeks since my last
confession - these are my sins. Last night I
had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our
Father."
The man leaves, and another enters the
confessional and kneels.
"Father, it has been one month since my last
confession. These are my sins. I have had
sex with Nookie Green every week for the
last month." The priest thinks to himself
that this Nookie Green woman is fairly
popular with his male parishioners.
"Those are your sins?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Marys."
The man left. Soon, another entered and
knelt. "Father, it has been six months since
my last confession, and these are my sins. I
have had sex with Nookie Green twice a
week for the last six months."
This time the priest has to ask, "Who is this
Nookie Green?"
"Just a woman I know, Father," came the
reply. "Very well," said the priest,"you are
forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."
The next morning the priest was giving the
sermon in front of his congregation. The
doors flew open in the back of the church
and in walked a tall, gorgeous red-headed
woman with a green sequined dress, green
sequined heels and a green hat with a long
green feather. She walked straight up the
aisle and sat down right in front of the
priest, her knees apart.
The priest just stared. He finally caught
himself and leaned over to ask the alter boy.
"Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?"
The alter boy had a long, hard look and said,
"No, Father. I think it's just the reflection
off her shoes."
afternoon hearing confessions. A man
walks in, kneels down and says, "Father, it
has been two weeks since my last
confession - these are my sins. Last night I
had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our
Father."
The man leaves, and another enters the
confessional and kneels.
"Father, it has been one month since my last
confession. These are my sins. I have had
sex with Nookie Green every week for the
last month." The priest thinks to himself
that this Nookie Green woman is fairly
popular with his male parishioners.
"Those are your sins?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Marys."
The man left. Soon, another entered and
knelt. "Father, it has been six months since
my last confession, and these are my sins. I
have had sex with Nookie Green twice a
week for the last six months."
This time the priest has to ask, "Who is this
Nookie Green?"
"Just a woman I know, Father," came the
reply. "Very well," said the priest,"you are
forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."
The next morning the priest was giving the
sermon in front of his congregation. The
doors flew open in the back of the church
and in walked a tall, gorgeous red-headed
woman with a green sequined dress, green
sequined heels and a green hat with a long
green feather. She walked straight up the
aisle and sat down right in front of the
priest, her knees apart.
The priest just stared. He finally caught
himself and leaned over to ask the alter boy.
"Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?"
The alter boy had a long, hard look and said,
"No, Father. I think it's just the reflection
off her shoes."
Ummm, well I do not agree with all this, but I still think it is amusing.
Women's Rules For BJ's
Rated R
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- so if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are not handles.
6. Extension to rule #5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week"- get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls-if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked" it for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep our mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning"
Women's Rules For BJ's
Rated R
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- so if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are not handles.
6. Extension to rule #5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week"- get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8- "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls-if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked" it for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep our mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning"
