This probably

[mikoli5763]

We do

talk, probably more than most married couples who have been together as long as we have. I have told her how I'm having difficulties handling our situation and we've each shed our share of tears over it.
Yes, we do everything possible to continue our sex life; but she doesn't have the desire for sex that she once had.
It's hard for her to have that desire when her stomach is hurting most of the time.
Hands are all she's able to provide right now. Anal was prohibited by her doctors from the very first of our marriage and the nausea she is struggling with from just food removes oral from the equation.
I have not cheated during the entire time we've been together and I won't start now. I've never paid for sex ever and don't see myself doing it in the future even if she does pass before I do.
The disease it's self is non-fatal but the side effects from the drugs used for treatment can be and have possibly caught up with her.
Counseling has entered my mind and that maybe the direction we both have to go in if we can't come to grips with our situation on our own.
For the buttheads on here, I have always put my wife's needs above my own. She is first in my life over everything and/or everybody else in my life.
Thanks to all that have shown some compassion and understanding and for the buttheads, you know were you can go and what you can do to yourselves when you get there.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

talk, probably more than most married couples who have been together as long as we have. I have told her how I'm having difficulties handling our situation and we've each shed our share of tears over it.
Yes, we do everything possible to continue our sex life; but she doesn't have the desire for sex that she once had.
It's hard for her to have that desire when her stomach is hurting most of the time.
Hands are all she's able to provide right now. Anal was prohibited by her doctors from the very first of our marriage and the nausea she is struggling with from just food removes oral from the equation.
I have not cheated during the entire time we've been together and I won't start now. I've never paid for sex ever and don't see myself doing it in the future even if she does pass before I do.
The disease it's self is non-fatal but the side effects from the drugs used for treatment can be and have possibly caught up with her.
Counseling has entered my mind and that maybe the direction we both have to go in if we can't come to grips with our situation on our own.
For the buttheads on here, I have always put my wife's needs above my own. She is first in my life over everything and/or everybody else in my life.
Thanks to all that have shown some compassion and understanding and for the buttheads, you know were you can go and what you can do to yourselves when you get there.

Youre a sad pathetic self absorbed human being. Your narcissism is stunning.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I have to say I agree with suggestions of seeing a doctor, and probably a therapist or counselor. And it should be done with his wife.

I see nothing to indicate he's mad at her or doesn't love her. He just says that unfortunately she's the only one around while he's upset and we've all taken things out on people who didn't deserve it. He's in a bind and needs help.

Lovely comment, PL.

Surely, he should get the best medical help he can afford and hug her, hold her, concentrate on her, as she is probably screwing up inside about what pressure she is putting on the love of her life.

mikoli, she is your star. I hope you keep your angst and frustration away from your wife. Use the bathroom and treat her like a goddess. She's probably worrying greatly about failing her wifely duties. Just tell her she is the love of your life, you would do anything to look after her.

If you love her, you'll take care of her. I believe you will.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Lovely comment, PL.

Surely, he should get the best medical help he can afford and hug her, hold her, concentrate on her, as she is probably screwing up inside about what pressure she is putting on the love of her life.

mikoli, she is your star. I hope you keep your angst and frustration away from your wife. Use the bathroom and treat her like a goddess. She's probably worrying greatly about failing her wifely duties. Just tell her she is the love of your life, you would do anything to look after her.

If you love her, you'll take care of her. I believe you will.

Youre a naïf. All numnutz cares about is his libido.

 

[sr71plt]

Reads like a statement to me not advice.

Bullshit. You're just trying to wriggle away from not having seen it and then going off half-cocked (appropriate, given your avatar).

 

[StrangeLife]

Yes, we do everything possible to continue our sex life; but she doesn't have the desire for sex that she once had.
It's hard for her to have that desire when her stomach is hurting most of the time.
Hands are all she's able to provide right now. Anal was prohibited by her doctors from the very first of our marriage and the nausea she is struggling with from just food removes oral from the equation...

When a couple is struck with a serious disease it's important to realize that it takes a big toll on both parties - not just the one who's actually sick. Overlooking this fact is what breaks up families and ruins marriages. In other words, the family is suffering from Crohns - not your wife.

Doctors are understandably mainly concerned with the actual disease and look at the issue like a mechanic looks at a car. But you need support as well Mikoli. Even if you talk openly with your wife, it's hard to talk freely about certain things. Like for instance when you get frustrated by the lack of sex and intimacy - you need somebody to shout your frustrations at but you can't use your wife because she feels bad already and piling your emotions on her will only make it worse.

There is bound to be support groups in your area for relatives to people with debilitating diseases, and I urge you to seek one out - your wifes doctor might have some information. Thus you can talk to other people in the same situation without your wife present - and maybe even get some actual tips.


It will be tempting for your wife to give up on intimacy when she is sore and feels unsexy and disgusting. Her body image and self-confidence is probably in the basement right now and that'll kill any womans sex drive. But it's very important to hold on to the intimacy if she wants to avoid the dynamics of your relationship to change from a marriage to "co-habitating friends" or "parent-child" as it sadly happens to so many many couples as they get older. Even if she can't manage penetration, she needs to do what she can with what she's got. That's her responsibility as your partner in life, just as it is yours to accept and appreciate what she gives.The hands are not affected by Crohns and neither are the boobs - there is always something you can play with...

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

When a couple is struck with a serious disease it's important to realize that it takes a big toll on both parties - not just the one who's actually sick. Overlooking this fact is what breaks up families and ruins marriages. In other words, the family is suffering from Crohns - not your wife.

Doctors are understandably mainly concerned with the actual disease and look at the issue like a mechanic looks at a car. But you need support as well Mikoli. Even if you talk openly with your wife, it's hard to talk freely about certain things. Like for instance when you get frustrated by the lack of sex and intimacy - you need somebody to shout your frustrations at but you can't use your wife because she feels bad already and piling your emotions on her will only make it worse.

There are support groups in your for relatives to people with debilitating diseases in your area, and and I urge you to seek one out - your wifes doctor might have some information. Thus you can talk to other people in the same situation without your wife present - and maybe even get some actual tips.


It will be tempting for your wife to give up on intimacy when she is sore and feels unsexy and disgusting. Her body image and self-confidence is probably in the basement right now and that'll kill any womans sex drive. But it's very important to hold on to the intimacy if she wants to avoid the dynamics of your relationship to change from a marriage to "co-habitating friends" or "parent-child" as it sadly happens to so many many couples as they get older. Even if she can't manage penetration, she needs to do what she can with what she's got. That's her responsibility as your partner in life, just as it is yours to accept and appreciate what she gives.The hands are not affected by Crohns and neither are the boobs - there is always something you can play with...

Nonsense.

He wants his nookie and her illness isn't his problem. If she was in a coma or paralyzed or brain damaged he'd still be sulking.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Maybe Mikol should have cried out for a pirate to save him.

IDIOT

 

[sr71plt]

IDIOT

As usual, you don't get the connection (or much of anything else).

 

[StrangeLife]

Nonsense.

He wants his nookie and her illness isn't his problem. If she was in a coma or paralyzed or brain damaged he'd still be sulking.

Calling a problem "Nonsense" doesn't make it go away.


I'm so happy you're not president, or we'd undoubtedly be busy fighting WW-3 right now...

 

[mikoli5763]

I think I've

been misunderstood some where.
I love my wife and do everything I can for her from rubbing her belly to just lying in bed and holding her.
I haven't said anything to her about the thoughts I've had that put the blame on her. All the negative thoughts and emotions are within my head.
I can't help that I still desire my wife as much as I ever have or that my sex drive hasn't diminished like hers has. I can't help it that she's the woman in all of my erotic dreams which have increased since our sex life has decreased. I can't help it if her body still causes me to get erections at inappropriate times.
I love her and want her as much as I ever have and if I'm wrong for getting frustrated and angry sometimes then I'll be in the wrong.
She does do as much as she's able to help me from being more frustrated that I already am.
Sex had always been a big part of our lives together and now it's not. I know that it's not anybody's fault that it's not the same and will not get better, but that doesn't change the way I feel or ease the pain of rejection when I try to initiate sex and she refuses me. That very seldom happened in the past but has become the norm and it hurts.
Holding each other, touching each other, kissing each other while we laid in bed together almost always ended up with us having sex in the past.
I did talk to my doctor about the stress I'm feeling in a general way and she gave me some brochures for counselors that I should be able to afford to see and I'm seriously thinking about calling a couple of them, but I'm a little scared and embarrassed by the thought.
I don't think I'm being a narcissist or a self absorbed idiot. I'm a man struggling with what in my opinion is a loss who reached out.
I see that this wasn't the place for that now.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

been misunderstood some where.
I love my wife and do everything I can for her from rubbing her belly to just lying in bed and holding her.
I haven't said anything to her about the thoughts I've had that put the blame on her. All the negative thoughts and emotions are within my head.
I can't help that I still desire my wife as much as I ever have or that my sex drive hasn't diminished like hers has. I can't help it that she's the woman in all of my erotic dreams which have increased since our sex life has decreased. I can't help it if her body still causes me to get erections at inappropriate times.
I love her and want her as much as I ever have and if I'm wrong for getting frustrated and angry sometimes then I'll be in the wrong.
She does do as much as she's able to help me from being more frustrated that I already am.
Sex had always been a big part of our lives together and now it's not. I know that it's not anybody's fault that it's not the same and will not get better, but that doesn't change the way I feel or ease the pain of rejection when I try to initiate sex and she refuses me. That very seldom happened in the past but has become the norm and it hurts.
Holding each other, touching each other, kissing each other while we laid in bed together almost always ended up with us having sex in the past.
I did talk to my doctor about the stress I'm feeling in a general way and she gave me some brochures for counselors that I should be able to afford to see and I'm seriously thinking about calling a couple of them, but I'm a little scared and embarrassed by the thought.
I don't think I'm being a narcissist or a self absorbed idiot. I'm a man struggling with what in my opinion is a loss who reached out.
I see that this wasn't the place for that now.

Why are you here really? Why are you tell us?

What you should be doing is talking to a therapist or counselor about this. Oh and your wife, not us nut balls. Or just shut the hell up and man up.

"For better of for worse, in sickness and in health" I believe was the phrase used, quit whining and live up to the vows you took.

You are still whining even if you don't thing you are, just by telling us what you have told us, just by being here, telling us.

 

[StrangeLife]

Why are you here really? Why are you tell us?

Because he loves his wife and we are faceless strangers and outsiders that can't be hurt by what he says...

 

[Stella_Omega]

When I look through this thread and note how is reacting and how-- I am not surprised. The same people I would expect to be assholes, who I would expect to drive away the emotional man, which god forbid-- there they are, howling and jumping like chimpanzees.

I am sorry for your predicament as a couple, and for yourself. I am sorry for her personal pain, as well. The conflicts and sorrows are something we are rarely ever prepared for.

As far as practical ways for her to be sexual with you, several posters have offered suggestions, and I don't have much else in mind-- She can use her hands and maybe you can work your cock between her breasts or thighs. That would be up to the two of you.

 

[ProxyAccount]

Mikoli5763, you might check out a forum specifically addressing Crohn's, such as this one: http://www.crohnsforum.com/

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

When I look through this thread and note how is reacting and how-- I am not surprised. The same people I would expect to be assholes, who I would expect to drive away the emotional man, which god forbid-- there they are, howling and jumping like chimpanzees.

I am sorry for your predicament as a couple, and for yourself. I am sorry for her personal pain, as well. The conflicts and sorrows are something we are rarely ever prepared for.

As far as practical ways for her to be sexual with you, several posters have offered suggestions, and I don't have much else in mind-- She can use her hands and maybe you can work your cock between her breasts or thighs. That would be up to the two of you.

You know I'm right, you of all men know that a guy is entitled to his nookie. To love honor and put out is what the contract sez.

 

[PennLady]

I can't help that I still desire my wife as much as I ever have or that my sex drive hasn't diminished like hers has. I can't help it that she's the woman in all of my erotic dreams which have increased since our sex life has decreased. I can't help it if her body still causes me to get erections at inappropriate times.
I love her and want her as much as I ever have and if I'm wrong for getting frustrated and angry sometimes then I'll be in the wrong.

I don't think you're wrong, or wrong to be frustrated. Anyone would be. Plenty of people get frustrated about sex even without something as serious as Crohn's. I wonder if you're experiencing a little bit of wanting what you can't have, which would make it worse still.

I would encourage you to remember, and I think you do, that this has to be hard for her too. She is likely feeling badly that she doesn't want sex more, and that it disappoints/frustrates you, and all of that, on top of dealing with her condition. I know from personal experience that I myself have felt guilty when dealing with certain health problems, both for the time involved and the financial cost. I wouldn't be surprised if she has similar feelings.

Consider how you might feel if things were reversed.

Sex had always been a big part of our lives together and now it's not. I know that it's not anybody's fault that it's not the same and will not get better, but that doesn't change the way I feel or ease the pain of rejection when I try to initiate sex and she refuses me. That very seldom happened in the past but has become the norm and it hurts.
Holding each other, touching each other, kissing each other while we laid in bed together almost always ended up with us having sex in the past.

Well, things do change, although that's no comfort. And although it's difficult, I think you have to stop taking any rejections personally. You can only ask, but with her condition, she will say no a lot of the time. I think it's a situation where you need to change your expectations.

I did talk to my doctor about the stress I'm feeling in a general way and she gave me some brochures for counselors that I should be able to afford to see and I'm seriously thinking about calling a couple of them, but I'm a little scared and embarrassed by the thought.

I read a few advice columns and of course you have to take things with a grain of salt, Carolyn Hax at WaPo says something that always sounds true to me. If you had a physical problem you'd go to the appropriate doctor. You wouldn't treat an ear infection (or whatever) on your own. Sometimes you need help. When something is not right in your mind, think of it as a problem that needs addressing.

And you do that by going to a counselor. They will not judge you and they have likely heard much worse than what you are going to tell them. There is nothing wrong with what you're feeling, but you need to take some control of it and deal with it, I think, or you will be even more miserable than you are now.

I don't think I'm being a narcissist or a self absorbed idiot. I'm a man struggling with what in my opinion is a loss who reached out.
I see that this wasn't the place for that now.

Sorry for the idiots. I don't think you're a narcissist either, but I do think you need to get some outside help from someone qualified to provide it.

 

[Edward Teach]

Bullshit. You're just trying to wriggle away from not having seen it and then going off half-cocked (appropriate, given your avatar).

Oh what a comeback. You're even trying to be humorous, trying being the operative word since your attempted joke doesn’t make a bit of sense.

I was looking for your avatar, plt. Oh, you don’t have one. Appropriate, for someone with nothing to say, isn’t it?

You're a drone dud, plt.

...I think the best response to it is either to do what MistressLynn did here or just to butt out of the thread altogether and hope it just stops without getting "oh gawd."

Take your own advice and "just butt out of the thread." Let it go if you possibly can.

Like I said, you twist facts and try to get in the last word, believing that to be how arguments are won. Diddy Wa Diddie

 

[THROBBS]

rarely a matter of "just" do this (or that)

Finding the right counselor is not easy, quick or a "sure thing".

By contrast, good/competent surgeons are "easy" to find.

That i snot to say, "don't try". I would think that anyone who actually has employed a counselor, has probably noted that is an exhausting process in itself.
Hopefully, you can find one who is affordable. When the counseling is expensive, that is can become extra emotional burden. One has to meet multiple times, just to "get up to speed" and even then, one may not "click". And to be successful, one needs to "click" or "connect" on some level. I am not saying that one can (or should) be friends with their counselor(s), but one has to feel that they are listening and competent.

LIT is a relatively "safe" place to start sounding out thoughts and emotions with the incompetent folk here. Often, just articulating one's thoughts and feelings has some therapeutic value.

 

[StrangeLife]

Finding the right counselor is not easy, quick or a "sure thing".

By contrast, good/competent surgeons are "easy" to find.

But being wrong is more painful and occasionally deadly

Hopefully, you can find one who is affordable. When the counseling is expensive, that is can become extra emotional burden.

That's why I suggested support groups. They are usually run by a therapist, but because there are more people to pay his salary joining is often cheap or even free.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I've been in a relationship with somebody who constantly submerged their needs in order to support mine. It seems like a good deal right until the point where they collapse into a whimpering mess because ignoring a need doesn't make it go away, and then it sucks pretty badly for everybody concerned. I'd much rather have a partner who acknowledged their own needs, great or small, and put some time into self-care as well as caring for me.

I thought the OP made it very clear - to anybody who cared to read - that his wife's health was his #1 priority, and rightly so. But that doesn't magically mean wanting sex stops being an issue. It's only sensible to look for ways to deal with that secondary issue, without hurting his wife, and that's what he's doing here. I'm sorry I don't have helpful advice to give, but at least I'm not dogpiling on somebody who's doing his best to navigate a difficult situation.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I've been in a relationship with somebody who constantly submerged their needs in order to support mine. It seems like a good deal right until the point where they collapse into a whimpering mess because ignoring a need doesn't make it go away, and then it sucks pretty badly for everybody concerned. I'd much rather have a partner who acknowledged their own needs, great or small, and put some time into self-care as well as caring for me.

I thought the OP made it very clear - to anybody who cared to read - that his wife's health was his #1 priority, and rightly so. But that doesn't magically mean wanting sex stops being an issue. It's only sensible to look for ways to deal with that secondary issue, without hurting his wife, and that's what he's doing here. I'm sorry I don't have helpful advice to give, but at least I'm not dogpiling on somebody who's doing his best to navigate a difficult situation.

The guy demands his nookie! If the old lady cant put out the remedies are simple: he can buy some nookie, get some from friends and family, or chalk it up to life aint fair. Its a simple proposition any fool can understand.

 

[Cruel2BKind]

Finding the right counselor is not easy, quick or a "sure thing".

By contrast, good/competent surgeons are "easy" to find.

That i snot to say, "don't try". I would think that anyone who actually has employed a counselor, has probably noted that is an exhausting process in itself.
Hopefully, you can find one who is affordable. When the counseling is expensive, that is can become extra emotional burden. One has to meet multiple times, just to "get up to speed" and even then, one may not "click". And to be successful, one needs to "click" or "connect" on some level. I am not saying that one can (or should) be friends with their counselor(s), but one has to feel that they are listening and competent.

LIT is a relatively "safe" place to start sounding out thoughts and emotions with the incompetent folk here. Often, just articulating one's thoughts and feelings has some therapeutic value.

GREAT point.

Part of the reason that therapy is so looked down on is that it's not very 'standardized' for lack of a better word. Some therapy groups are just a bunch of shmucks in a church basement, and sorting through the psychologists and therapists can be hella expensive and inconvenient.

The guy demands his nookie! If the old lady cant put out the remedies are simple: he can buy some nookie, get some from friends and family, or chalk it up to life aint fair. Its a simple proposition any fool can understand.

I find you verging on adorable sometimes. Other times it gets a little harder.

OP, please ignore JBJ. He's not a real person. He's a computer program from 'Stormfront' that mutated and went rogue.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

GREAT point.

Part of the reason that therapy is so looked down on is that it's not very 'standardized' for lack of a better word. Some therapy groups are just a bunch of shmucks in a church basement, and sorting through the psychologists and therapists can be hella expensive and inconvenient.





I find you verging on adorable sometimes. Other times it gets a little harder.

OP, please ignore JBJ. He's not a real person. He's a computer program from 'Stormfront' that mutated and went rogue.

But you know I'm right. You'd agree with me if I wasn't the messenger. The OP is a self absorbed jerk. My wife says he's the kinda guy who wants to grease the rails in the delivery room.

I was trained in the Gestalt style of psychotherapy, don't make me drag out a Fritz Perls vid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=it0j6FIxIog

 

[sr71plt]

Oh what a comeback. You're even trying to be humorous, trying being the operative word since your attempted joke doesn’t make a bit of sense.

I was looking for your avatar, plt. Oh, you don’t have one. Appropriate, for someone with nothing to say, isn’t it?

You're a drone dud, plt.

We could go on spitting at each other like this--if I cared what you think--which I don't.

The fact is that I gave a bit of sympathy and advice to the OP before you posted that I didn't, while you just gave him obnoxious shit. And now you're trying to backpedal on your miscue. The rest of what you are posting now is just diversionary flak.