This place needs a new fun thread

[matriarch]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this café, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there and do it again."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the café. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.

Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence.

What follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal! Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Needless to say, the young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experience.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

Eventually the two pensioners recover and dress themselves.

Plucking up courage, the man approaches them. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Were you able to shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f*cking fence wasn't electrified."



predictable, but nonetheless, amusing

 

[matriarch]

Lateral thinking.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

You want the answers?????

 

[doormouse]

Re: Lateral thinking.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

The lions. They're dead.

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

She took his photo.

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

One is coloured and warm, the warm water will sit on top (I think LOL)

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

A black man's cock? EDIT: Coal!! *though I like the black man's cock idea better

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

Yesterday, today and tomorrow.

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

No 'E'.

You want the answers?????

 

[matriarch]

Re: Re: Lateral thinking.

Who's a clever rodent???

1. Correct

2. Correct

3. Apparently, you freeze both, and put the ice in the barrel. One is supposed to then still be able to tell them apart...????

4. Wicked Dor !! Close. Charcoal.

5. Easy. Even I got that one.

6. Correct.

You get a big, wet, and a tight hug.

 

[doormouse]

see? I'm not just a furry little fluff ball with a belly full of boobies

 

[millennium_bard]

see? I'm not just a furry little fluff ball with a belly full of boobies

Damn, and just when I was looking for something to pet.

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Damn, and just when I was looking for something to pet.

Too many boobies for ya, huh?

 

[millennium_bard]

Too many boobies for ya, huh?

No such thing as too many boobies!
Here'a a little something to make you smile. (I hope)

How are women like snow flakes???
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face.

 

[matriarch]

No such thing as too many boobies!
Here'a a little something to make you smile. (I hope)

How are women like snow flakes???
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face.

Not all of 'em, sunshine. (and yes, it made me smile )

 

[ferociouskittycat]

No such thing as too many boobies!
Here'a a little something to make you smile. (I hope)

How are women like snow flakes???
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
But they'll all melt when they land on your face.

That made me cry.

I seriously don't want to leave

I just need space. I'll miss you guys for the laughs, the friendship, the wit, the smut LOL.

Take care of the Tits and Tampons Lounge for me. We have to beat those damn men!!!! LOL

Catch you all later xoxoxoxoxoxoxxx

 

[matriarch]

That made me cry.

I seriously don't want to leave

I just need space. I'll miss you guys for the laughs, the friendship, the wit, the smut LOL.

Take care of the Tits and Tampons Lounge for me. We have to beat those damn men!!!! LOL

Catch you all later xoxoxoxoxoxoxxx

Love you babe..
Take care.
And come back. Please.

 

[matriarch]

A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.

Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-aids and proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood.

After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly....it's all those Band-aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Fun Quiz

I got five (but I have no graphics on safe mode )

 

[Guest]

Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"

"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure, right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

So Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes I will", says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a Million ducks, flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million Ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch BIC?"

 

[Guest]

On their honeymoon trip, they were approaching Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Lena giggled and said: "Ole, You can go furder den dat, don't cha know?" So Ole put the pedal to the metal and drove to Duluth.

 

[Guest]

Sven answered a knock on his door and there was his friend Ole who was obviously very troubled. Sven said "Offda! Ole, come in, what's wrong? You look terrible!"

Ole stammered, "Ya, you know my b-best horse Sadie? She d-died last night!"

Sven and Ole were both solemnly silent for some time contemplating life's setbacks (as you well know, Norwegians perfected silence as a method of communication and nothing more needed to be said).

But, Ole was unable to contain his grief and after awhile he stammered, "It's a f-funny thing too, she never d-done that before!"

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

Rooster and the cat


Answer these questions to the best of your ability:

1. How many eyes does a rooster have?
2. How many legs does a rooster have?
3. How many beaks does a rooster have?
4. And finally, how many whiskers does a cat have?

OK now that you've answered all these questions to the best of your ability ask yourself this...

why is it you know so much about cock and nothing about pussy?

 

[Guest]

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

 

[minsue]

http://www.nbc.com/nbc/The_Tonight_Show_with_Jay_Leno/headlines/H_2767/H_2767_05.jpg

 

[doormouse]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom having sex. All of the sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her.
The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in me. The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit me, sir."
The husband, being very concerned, agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said, "Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my cock and push it up your wife. When I feel the bee I'll withdraw my cock and the bee should follow it out of your wife's 'nest."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it!"
So the doctor covered the tip of his cock with honey and slipped it gently inside young lady. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's tits and started making loud noises.
At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard

 

[Guest]

In the back woods of Minnisota, Sven's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, Sven you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Sven!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one to come yet."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one!" cried the doctor.

Then Sven scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ja tink it's da light that's attractin' them?"

 

[Guest]

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to
the unemployment office.

Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto
ladies cotton panties.

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled
labor she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel
fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.

When Ole found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.

The Clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters
are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on the panties, Sven puts
them over his head and says, "Yah, diesel fitter."

 

[sincerely_helene]

Why I shouldn't drink!

I draw groucho disquises on one of Lit's sexiest member's avs.

(Attachment removed cause I just couldn't go through with it in the end.)

 

[rgraham666]

Mat, in regards to your three consecutive days question.

There's also Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day.

 

[doormouse]

Mat, in regards to your three consecutive days question.

There's also Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day.

Touchè rg.

Good call