This place needs a new fun thread

[matriarch]

Mat,

What do you think, should we include grammy?

Never mind the auntie bit. I'm a great-aunt 4 times. Yuck, yuck, yuck.
My brothers just cheated on me, the bastards!
My kid is just old enough to start investigating, by Lit standards that is. LOL
He is 18.

I was thinking more of a tactical change of name.......'Annie-Gramms', god that's wonderful.

My boys are 24 and 28, the eldest married for 3 years, the youngest with a serious girlfriend, (who I will get to meet this coming weekend when they come visit after spending a week in Scotland....scary)

I have issued explicit instructions. The first to make me a grandmother gets cut out of my will.

The next gets castrated.

They laughed.

 

[RebeccaLeah]

I was thinking more of a tactical change of name.......'Annie-Gramms', god that's wonderful.

My boys are 24 and 28, the eldest married for 3 years, the youngest with a serious girlfriend, (who I will get to meet this coming weekend when they come visit after spending a week in Scotland....scary)

I have issued explicit instructions. The first to make me a grandmother gets cut out of my will.

The next gets castrated.

They laughed.

I would have too. I'm soooo looking forward to reading. Gotta wait for a quiet moment first though.

 

[doormouse]

This is soooooooo cute!!!

 

[doormouse]

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing
interesting women's T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.

2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

3. DAMN RIGHT I'M STILL HOT ... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT

5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

6 LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT.

7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.

8. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD. ARE YOU BAD?

9. PHYSICALLY PHFFFFFT!

10. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE

11. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.

12. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

13. KEEP STARING. I MAY DO A TRICK.

14. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.

15. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.

16. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

17. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE

18. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.

19. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH

20. BUCKLE UP. MAKES IT HARDER FOR ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR

 

[matriarch]

Married Bliss


John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted that day, he asked his son if he got a part.

John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it
they'll be giving you a speaking part."

http://www.addis-welt.de/smilie/smilie/lachen/12.gif

 

[matriarch]

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting women's T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.

2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

3. DAMN RIGHT I'M STILL HOT ... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT

5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

6 LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT.

7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.

8. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD. ARE YOU BAD?

9. PHYSICALLY PHFFFFFT!

10. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE

11. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.

12. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

13. KEEP STARING. I MAY DO A TRICK.

14. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.

15. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.

16. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

17. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE

18. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.

19. IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH

20. BUCKLE UP. MAKES IT HARDER FOR ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR

Ooooohhhh, these are good. Thanks Dor, I just got to get some of these.

Mat (hopelessly addicted to short, pithy, witty statements)

 

[matriarch]

'Bump'


Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench during break time and one turns to the other asking, "Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, " I feel just like a new born babe."

"A new born babe? Really?"

"Yup", grins Slim, " No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.

 

[doormouse]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

"The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is, probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip.

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

A couple met on a golf course, and fell in love.

On the third golf date it was obvious that their relationship was getting ready to move to a deeper level. Over dinner at the 19th hole he guy said, "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, breathe, and sleep golf."

The lady said, "Well, since we are being honest here, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a hooker."

The guy looked down to ground, and thought for a minute, and then looked up and said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

[doormouse]

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay.. Do you hear me?....Stay!....Stay!....

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a very strange look and said:
"Why don't you just put it in PARK"????

 

[Black Tulip]

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay.. Do you hear me?....Stay!....Stay!....

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a very strange look and said:
"Why don't you just put it in PARK"????

LOL

Would that be a good time to yell: "Go, get him, tiger!"

 

[matriarch]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about 50 dollars?" she replied.

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way", the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari..."




And on that note, I'm off to bed.

Night

 

[doormouse]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be work soon. You got nice house."

 

[Guest]

Donkey Morals

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!



Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

PS The donkey later came back and kicked THE CRAP out of the farmer that tried burying him.

Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

 

[Guest]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

 

[Guest]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain."

"Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnnoo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied, "yes, that feels pretty good ... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

 

[Guest]

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

She figures in for a penny, in for a pound -- and it was fantastic the
night before -- so she agrees.

This goes on for five nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the
bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.
Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more
attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I," she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris," he says.

"That's amazing" she says, "so am I -- what street?"

"Cameo Street" he says.

"This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.

"You are not going to believe this" she says. "I'm from number 22 and my
parents still live there!"

"I know" he says. "Your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

 

[matriarch]

My turn.........I've been neglecting this thread......


Cohones de Toro... HOT!

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

(tee-hee

 

[doormouse]

I get a sudden urge to do wicked things to you everytime I see your AV Dranoel.

It must be the dragon LOL

 

[RebeccaLeah]

bump Bump BUMP!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I''ve just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I''ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn''t anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

 

[Black Tulip]

Wicked, the lot of you!!!

But please don't stop.

 

[matriarch]

Re: bump Bump BUMP!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me six double vodkas."

The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I''ve just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I''ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn''t anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

..............can I have her phone number????

 

[matriarch]

Wicked, the lot of you!!!

But please don't stop.

Heyyy, BT !!

How's it going?

 

[Black Tulip]

Recovering from the curse of the pharao. That or a mean sort of summer flu.



School starts again tomorrow. Yuck!!!
All I can look forward to is when and how many people will get fired in the next few months.

So, please keep up the jokes. I desperately need to laugh on a regular basis.



Otherwise, I'm fine.

 

[RebeccaLeah]

Re: Re: bump Bump BUMP!

..............can I have her phone number????

I would hope you know your phone number babe.