G
This place needs a new fun thread
- Thread starter doormouse
- Start date
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
An 8-year-old girl walked over to her dad, who was working in the yard.
She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
"Why did you ask about sex?" the father inquired.
"Well," the little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
"Why did you ask about sex?" the father inquired.
"Well," the little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead. "
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead. "
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and big arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and big arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
RebeccaLeah
Path
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2003
- Posts
- 9,922
Now if only I was so comfy in the closet. 
Virtual_Burlesque
Former Ecdysiast
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2004
- Posts
- 4,083
Revenge for the Dumb Blonde Jokes
If you want a committed man, look in the mental hospital
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Man asked God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God answered, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man inquired, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replied, "So she would love you.”
A girl who had just broken up with her SO declared:
My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.
My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.
I told him, "Just give them your underwear.”
If you want a committed man, look in the mental hospital
Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
Man asked God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God answered, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man inquired, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replied, "So she would love you.”
A girl who had just broken up with her SO declared:
My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole.
My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.
I told him, "Just give them your underwear.”
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.......
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some
good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds - hers is in London and mine is in
Brighton.
-----------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
-----------------------------
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere
I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
-----------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
----------------------------
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread
maker, then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit
down!". So I bought her an electric chair.
----------------------------
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
----------------------------
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
----------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.
----------------------------
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".... I
said, "Dust!"
----------------------------
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
----------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some
good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds - hers is in London and mine is in
Brighton.
-----------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
-----------------------------
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere
I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
-----------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
----------------------------
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread
maker, then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit
down!". So I bought her an electric chair.
----------------------------
Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
----------------------------
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
----------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.
----------------------------
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".... I
said, "Dust!"
----------------------------
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
----------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2004
- Posts
- 37,997
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2006:
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient.
20. Netscape.exe... Bad file name... May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/N)
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient.
20. Netscape.exe... Bad file name... May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/N)
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2004
- Posts
- 37,997
Essential New Words For 2004 Editions For The Work-Place Vocabulary:
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE - The organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit "reply all").
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)
MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE - The organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit "reply all").
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2004
- Posts
- 37,997
Words Not Yet In The Dictionary
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill onto the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking itup, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove" all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill onto the coals.
BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking itup, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking "Do you work here?"
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove" all the germs.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
cheerful_deviant
Head of the Flock
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2004
- Posts
- 10,487
cloudy said:
I just did this yesterday! HA!
I'm so gald there is a word for it and that I'm not the only person who does this.
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.
>So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
> The question was what do women really want?
>Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition.
>He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
>Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer but her price would be high.
> The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but on one condition.....The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
> Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewer and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her but Lancelot, learning of the deal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life.
> Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants", she answered "is to be in charge of her own life."
>Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a grand wedding.
>The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
> Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?.............................
>Noble Lancelot told the witch that he would allow HER to make the choice for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
> Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is: if you don't let a woman have her own way -things are going to get ugly!
>So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
> The question was what do women really want?
>Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition.
>He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
>Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer but her price would be high.
> The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but on one condition.....The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
> Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewer and made obscene noises. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her but Lancelot, learning of the deal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life.
> Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants", she answered "is to be in charge of her own life."
>Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a grand wedding.
>The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
> Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?.............................
>Noble Lancelot told the witch that he would allow HER to make the choice for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
> Now....what is the moral to this story? The moral is: if you don't let a woman have her own way -things are going to get ugly!
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2003
- Posts
- 5,945
Mousie, you keep entertaining me. LOL
on your 
Miss Mouse.
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
Dozing In Catholic School
Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school. Usually she slept through her classes. One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and asked, "Tell me, Grace, who created the universe?"
When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said, "Very good."
Soon Grace fell back asleep. A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Grace didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with his pencil. Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace.
The Nun said, "Very good."
Grace started to fall back asleep, when the Nun asked her a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted.
Little Grace was not the best student in parochial school. Usually she slept through her classes. One day the Nun called on her while she was napping and asked, "Tell me, Grace, who created the universe?"
When Grace didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Grace, and the Nun said, "Very good."
Soon Grace fell back asleep. A while later the Nun called on Grace and asked, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Grace didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with his pencil. Jesus Christ!" shouted Grace.
The Nun said, "Very good."
Grace started to fall back asleep, when the Nun asked her a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
This time Grace was just awake enough to hear the question - and she knew what was coming, so she jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted.
Black Tulip
Not so delicate flower
- Joined
- Oct 12, 2003
- Posts
- 5,945
Thank you Mat.
*grinning*
*grinning*
Virtual_Burlesque
Former Ecdysiast
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2004
- Posts
- 4,083
Snappy Comebacks
Does your stream of consciousness have any fish in it?
Ah! I see the memo fairy has visited us again.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can never be used for good.
You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I am a PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day is a total waste of makeup.
Not all managers are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door Number 1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
How do I set a laser printer on "stun"?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Does your stream of consciousness have any fish in it?
Ah! I see the memo fairy has visited us again.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can never be used for good.
You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I am a PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day is a total waste of makeup.
Not all managers are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door Number 1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
How do I set a laser printer on "stun"?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
doormouse
Seductively Sweet
- Joined
- Apr 11, 2004
- Posts
- 4,407
Ebay Feedback Left
I cracked up when I read this... those of you who go to Ebay, will appreciate it.
I cracked up when I read this... those of you who go to Ebay, will appreciate it.
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
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