This place needs a new fun thread

[doormouse]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news."says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"


"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc,what's the good news ?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm ! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great." said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors"

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side affects ?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket i! n hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women!!!!!

 

[doormouse]

This gets the cute award

 

[matriarch]

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.

The first old women told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband in the mood at night by getting totally naked lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air.

It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed, "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!

 

[CharleyH]

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities.

LOL

 

[matriarch]

the best 'groan' joke..........ever

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

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She sells C cells by the sea shore!! (Dah-dah!!!!!!)

 

[matriarch]

This gets the cute award

Aaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

 

[Black Tulip]

God,

I love you for keeping it up.

 

[matriarch]

Redneck Honeymoon

A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon.

The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin' night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?"

The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it."

 

[CharleyH]

OK Mat., BT give it up - Founding members of what?

 

[matriarch]

God,

I love you for keeping it up.

That's a very ambiguous statement.... (have patience, its Sunday, I'm stressed out of my noggin, and didn't get much sleep. I seem to have become the Agony Aunt for quite a few women, and its very wearing.)

Are you thanking God for keeping it up'?
If so, what exactly is God keeping up?
and do I really want to know?

Are you talking to me, about the sig?

Or offering grateful thanks to the lovely Dor for bumping the thread??


Mat

 

[matriarch]

OK Mat., BT give it up - Founding members of what?

Not to be revealed here....too many eyes and ears.

P-M

 

[Black Tulip]

LOL

I wanted to say I am glad that you, Mat, are still posting jokes.
I love that.
It makes me laugh.
Is this clear enough for you, Mat?

 

[matriarch]

LOL

I wanted to say I am glad that you, Mat, are still posting jokes.
I love that.
It makes me laugh.
Is this clear enough for you, Mat?

Loud and clear, thank you, BT.

I have to share your gladness with Dor. I hadn't posted in a while, until I saw she had bumped it again this morning.
We are a kind or DORmant (work with me, here) double act.



*hands over my mouth, yelling*..........Dorrrrrrr...... BT likes the jokes. Keep 'em coming babe.
I need food, so its your turn !!!!!!

 

[doormouse]

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

 

[Lisa Denton]

This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
"WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."

Pic to go with doormouse's joke, this is before that went up to jump out windows.

 

[Black Tulip]

Doormouse,

Have a kiss. I love your jokes too.

Lisa,

That picture makes me want to go to the loo real bad.

 

[doormouse]

This one is sick, but I like it LOL

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

 

[doormouse]

Doormouse,

Have a kiss. I love your jokes too.

Lisa,

That picture makes me want to go to the loo real bad.

aww thanks hon

And Lisa, if my pic host's server wasn't down, I'd show you how big mine is (burger... shit that makes it sound worse LOL)

n/m


(my sig is a pizza box until the get back up )

Edit: yay, my pic host is back up and running

 

[matriarch]

Re: This one is sick, but I like it LOL

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyy goddddddddddddd!
That is disgusting!
Just what I needed while eating a cream cake....

 

[Lisa Denton]

Re: This one is sick, but I like it LOL

A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

I puked and I didn't have a bowl, my keyboard is all yuucky!!

Heres one, Doormouse has a dream that 150009385637 bizillion dollars has been deposited in the bank for her and sends LDW to go make a withdrawal in the middle of the night, he is all asleepy and confused and thinks he is supposed to make a deposit..... the rest is in the pic.

 

[boxofrocks]

 

[RebeccaLeah]

Aaawwwwwwwwww!

 

[Lisa Denton]

Aaawwwwwwwwww!

Rebecca!!! You hold it while I look for a mouse trap, its gonna take a big one.

 

[RebeccaLeah]

Rebecca!!! You hold it while I look for a mouse trap, its gonna take a big one.

LISA!!! *hugs*

No way! Save the cute animal! Whatever the hell it is.