This place needs a new fun thread

[CrimsonMaiden]

There was this woman sitting at a bar and all the guys were looking at her, but finally one had the balls to come up and talk to her. This redneck guy comes up to her and says to her "Ma'am I just like to tell you that you are going home with me tonight." She tells him " I will if you can make a rhyme that is better than mine." Then she starts to recite her rhyme "I sent my Pussy out to sea, can you bring it back to me?" The guy looks at her stunned like. He walks away with shame. Then after a while there is this Cowboy that walks in to the bar and the first thing he does is tell the woman that he would like to take her home with him. She says " I will go home with you under one condition." Curious the man asks what it is. She tells him that she will go home with him if he can make a better rhyme than hers. She recites her verse. "I sent my pussy out to sea, can you bring it back to me?" After a long time of processing the rhyme he tips his hat and proceeds to out rhyme her. He says, " With this hat I'll make a boat. With my balls I'll make it float. With my dick I'll make an Oar and Row your pussy back to shore."

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise
or himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the
travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come
you keep doing it?"

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Mr Penguin was driving his car to town when the engine started miss firing,he nursed the car to the edge of town and stopped at the first garage he came to.

He said to the mechanic "My car is miss firing can you look at it please.

The mechanic replied "Sure give me an hour to check it out, then come back"

"Ok I shall return in about an hour I'll go to the ice cream parlour, as I love ice cream"

After spending the last hour stuffing himself with ice cream he shows up at the garage belly full and ice cream all round his face the mechanic comes out and says "It looks like you've blown a seal"

Mr Penguin replies "no thats vanilla ice cream"

 

[The Mutt]

Due to a quirk in the Pearly Gates computer systems, Einstien, Picasso and George W. Bush arrive in heaven at the same time. Saint Peter tells them the computers are down and he will need them to prove who they are before they can get in.
He first turns to Einstien and says, "Can you prove your identity?"
Einstien pulls a piece of chalk from his pocket and writes out the equation for the Unified Field Theorum on the wall. Saint Peter takes a look and says, "Well, you are obviously Einstien. Come right in, Albert."
He then turns to Picasso, who takes a charcoal pencil from his pocket and sketches a magnificent mural on the wall of heaven, complete with bulls and melting clocks. Saint Peter takes a look and says, "Well, it is clear you are Picasso. Come right in, Pablo."
He then turns to Bush and says, "Einstien and Picasso proved who they were. Can you do the same?"
Bush says, "Who are Einstien and Picasso?"
Saint Peter says, "Come right in, George."

 

[doormouse]

LOL

Love the penguin one hehehee

 

[RebeccaLeah]

I had to add this one.....

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply.

Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

 

[Black Tulip]

Morning to you all.
Keep the fun flowing please.

Matriarch
Hi Litannie , didn't see you there.
How's your day been?

Hi Mat,

Have a nice day. I was melting in the back garden yesterday, in between getting my things ready for my trip abroad.

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

 

[matriarch]

Morning to you all.
Keep the fun flowing please.



Hi Mat,

Have a nice day. I was melting in the back garden yesterday, in between getting my things ready for my trip abroad.

Morning BT,

It was a hot'un, wasn't it. I made the mistake of driving to the local DIY store for some big storage boxes and miles of bubble wrap......ye gods it was hot in that car. I spent the rest of the day melting indoors packing. Phew.

Thank god it started raining at midnight, really heavy, and its still raining - lighter - now. But dammit - its still sticky and muggy as hell.

When are you off? (Nosey mode). Somewhere exciting, I hope?


Mat

 

[ferociouskittycat]

http://pics.xs.to/pics/04081/ebaynotice.jpg

 

[Black Tulip]

I'll be leaving tomorrow for a very exciting trip.
<--------- destination
Talk about hot. LOL

I'll probably see nothing except the Red Sea.

 

[ferociouskittycat]

There's one in every crowd

bloody pic host deleted it

 

[matriarch]

I'll be leaving tomorrow for a very exciting trip.
<--------- destination
Talk about hot. LOL

I'll probably see nothing except the Red Sea.

Wonderful !!
Lucky girl. Make sure you bring back piccies to share with us. Egypt is one of the places high up there on my 'wish' list. Unfortunately, I doubt I'll ever get there, the heat would be too much for me.

At least the last few weeks have sort of prepared your system for thermal overload.

Have a great time.

Mat

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Sorry,

Didn't mean to butt in

 

[doormouse]

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.
The jeweler looked through his stock, and took out a lovely ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand, I want something very unique" he said.
At that, the jeweler went to get his special stock from the safe.
"Here's a stunning ring at just $40,000."
The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?"
"I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure everything is in order at the bank, so I'll write the check and you can phone the bank tomorrow. I'll pick up the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very teed-off jeweler phoned the man. " You old fart, you lied... there's no money in that account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?

 

[doormouse]

Ugh!!

Need sleep.

Nite all

 

[ferociouskittycat]

can't remember if I've posted this one...

Boudreaux had a bad vehicle accident, caused by a truck.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Boudreaux.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," asked the lawyer?

Boudreaux responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . . . "

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Boudreaux said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . . ."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said

'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

 

[ferociouskittycat]

okay, okay!!

This is a shameless BUMP!!

 

[matriarch]

*bump noted*

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that
they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

 

[matriarch]

The philosophy behind the contents of this thread

Mat being serious for a moment...... normal service will be resumed by the next post.

A FRIEND SENT ME THIS AND IT IS A WONDERFUL EXPLANATION OF WHY WE SHOULD KEEP SHARING OUR JOKES.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them....

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course sir, Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there.." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Soooo...............

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?

You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

to all my friends.

Mat

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Mat, do you have the joke about the staffy being walked to a funeral... lines of women following in a procession...

A woman witnessing asking why they're following...

I don't want to give away the punch line, but if you have it you'll know the one LOL

 

[matriarch]

Mat, do you have the joke about the staffy being walked to a funeral... lines of women following in a procession...

A woman witnessing asking why they're following...

I don't want to give away the punch line, but if you have it you'll know the one LOL

I know the one, I'll look for it, I think its in my database somewhere.



Later, Fer. Later.

Gone !!

 

[matriarch]

Dating

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Brenda!"

 

[matriarch]

Growing
---------
A couple took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," the mother replied "The rest are for your father."