This place needs a new fun thread

[matriarch]

Morning Mat, Hai DM,

It's already sizzling over here. 10.52 AM. Sipping my coffee and deciding what really needs to be done. LOL

Very, very nice. I noticed before Mat, you're my kind of housekeeper. My excuse always was a lack of time. Single parent with a job and all.

I think nobody believes that anymore.

Sorry, you two, it's too early to be funny. Besides, I'm lousy at telling jokes. I prefer to enjoy them.

Morning BT. Guess you're getting the same weather as us. Way too hot for me. I'm staying out of it until the evening.

Housework? Why bother, as soon as you've done it, it only needs doing again, save your energy for something else more important and more fun.

My excuse always was, I hate doing it, so I won't.

Rules in my house:

1.Your clothes. You wear them, you wash them. (both sons were introduced to the workings of the washing machine at the age of 16, and told 'over to you'. From now on, you do your own. After they ran out of clothes they realised I wasn't funning.

2. Your food: I will cook one meal. You don't like what I cook, the kitchen's all your's providing you don't burn it down. They are happily, now both very good cooks. I am happy to eat a meal cooked by either of them, at age 24 and 28. Both of them still call me to remind them how to make such and such a sauce, or the batter for yorkshire pudding, pancakes. A constant source of amusement at work, when my colleagues hear me dictating a recipe into the phone for one or other of them. Couple of years ago I left them both to cook Christmas Dinner while I spent my day in a homeless centre, with friends, cooking a meal for them. It was the best Christmas ever.

3. Your Room: I did not sleep in your bed. You make it, you change the linen. I did not leave your clothes all over the floor, or allow dust to cover your precious weights or play station. You clean and tidy.

I know. I'm a bitch. But they love me.

Mat

 

[pop_54]

Mornin you lot... will you stop all this loud laughing please... I'm a bit fragile today Made me chuckle well mind you mat.

Here's one for you mat love:

If friction causes heat... how long would it take a monkey to F*** a kettle of water to boiling point?

 

[matriarch]

Mornin you lot... will you stop all this loud laughing please... I'm a bit fragile today Made me chuckle well mind you mat.

Here's one for you mat love:

If friction causes heat... how long would it take a monkey to F*** a kettle of water to boiling point?

Sorry for the noise pops, I think the culprits have left for now.


The monkey? Too many variables in that one pops. Volume of water, internal capacity of kettle, size of monkey, ferocity of fuck action.....

Not that I'm a mathematician you understand.......


One more before I disappear and do some work......just hope our colonial friends don't lynch me.

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing Wrigley's gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. He snapped the gum in his mouth and said, "Do you Australian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'Yes, of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia,' he said with a smirk on his face.

The Aussie listened in silence. The Yank persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with the bread?'

Sighing, the Australian replied, 'Yes.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle, then transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.'

The vexed Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said, 'Yeah, we sure do.'

The Australian leant closer to him and asked, 'What do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course,' replied the American.


Now it was the Australian's turn to smile....'We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.

That's why it's called Wrigley's'

ta-ta for now.

 

[Guest]

Did you know..??

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!"(

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes ... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing...................)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Still having fun???

Mat

Hey! I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere else.

'Sokay though, it's still funny. And warms my heart to see someone saved it.

 

[doormouse]

I know. I'm a bitch. But they love me.

Mat

I love you too Mat.

Thanks for the parenting tips LOL

Noted!!!

 

[doormouse]

Sorry for the noise pops, I think the culprits have left for now.


The monkey? Too many variables in that one pops. Volume of water, internal capacity of kettle, size of monkey, ferocity of fuck action.....

Not that I'm a mathematician you understand.......


One more before I disappear and do some work......just hope our colonial friends don't lynch me.

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing Wrigley's gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. He snapped the gum in his mouth and said, "Do you Australian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'Yes, of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crust we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia,' he said with a smirk on his face.

The Aussie listened in silence. The Yank persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with the bread?'

Sighing, the Australian replied, 'Yes.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle, then transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.'

The vexed Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said, 'Yeah, we sure do.'

The Australian leant closer to him and asked, 'What do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course,' replied the American.


Now it was the Australian's turn to smile....'We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.

That's why it's called Wrigley's'

ta-ta for now.

LMFAo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heart attack!!!!! LOL

LMAO

This one's going to LDW heheheeeee LOL

 

[matriarch]

LMFAo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heart attack!!!!! LOL

LMAO

This one's going to LDW heheheeeee LOL

Hell woman..........don't you EVER sleep ???!!!

 

[matriarch]

Taking a break from chores, so I will continue:......


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer"

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here ............................................................ on the swing!!"


(I still chuckle. Every time I read this one.)

Mat (melting - somebody PLEASE turn the heat down!)

 

[matriarch]

....and again........


Sadie and Yetta, two Jewish widows, are talking.

Sadie: "That nice tailor, Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like such a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from.

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner....Marvelous dinner. Lobster, even. Den ve go see a show.....Let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No...No... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."


Tell me when to stop y'all, or I'll just keep going.

Mat

 

[matriarch]

Short and sweet.
A lesson on frugality of speech.

College Paper

The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for a college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss :

Religion
Sexuality
Mystery.

The only one who received an A+ wrote the following:


Oh Lord, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it?

 

[matriarch]

Helpful household tips.......How to bathe a cat.


1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

[doormouse]

Helpful household tips.......How to bathe a cat.


1. Thoroughly clean toilet.

2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.

4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.

5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)

6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.

7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

OMG can I steal this??????

I have the perfect Mutt in mind LOL

(Please... batting eyelids here )

 

[matriarch]

OMG can I steal this??????

I have the perfect Mutt in mind LOL

(Please... batting eyelids here )

Dammit, you women certainly know how to get round me.
Of course you can.
Take all you want.

 

[matriarch]

I'd forgotten about this one...............always makes me feel better on a bad day to say some of these. Out Loud. Within earshot of the arse-holes I work with. Well, one, actually.


Things women say when stressed at work


1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.

16. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor?

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. I don't mean it guys, it came with the script. Honest.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.


I defy anyone not to be able to identify at least ONE of these with someone they work with/for.

Mat

 

[doormouse]

Hell, I knew I loved you for a reason!!!!!

I have a brilliant one on PMS..... I'll find it and post heheee

I'd forgotten about this one...............always makes me feel better on a bad day to say some of these. Out Loud. Within earshot of the arse-holes I work with. Well, one, actually.


Things women say when stressed at work


1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.

16. Back off! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor?

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. I don't mean it guys, it came with the script. Honest.

20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.


I defy anyone not to be able to identify at least ONE of these with someone they work with/for.

Mat

 

[doormouse]

Down Under humor for Dranoel

Subject: High Altitude, Dry Ground Humor

After every flight, pilots at Qantas fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.


P = Problem logged by pilot. S = Solution/action taken by engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[matriarch]

Hell, I knew I loved you for a reason!!!!!

I have a brilliant one on PMS..... I'll find it and post heheee

Flattery, flattery. It will get you anywhere you want.

 

[matriarch]

TOP 17Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See


Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.


Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"


The proctologist called ...they found your head.


Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.


Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.


Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.


I used to have a handle on life ...but it broke off.


WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.


Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.


Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people "Everybody But Me,"


Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.


Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.


If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

------------------------------

Are you sure you aren't getting bored with this?????

 

[matriarch]

Re: Down Under humor for Dranoel

Subject: High Altitude, Dry Ground Humor

After every flight, pilots at Qantas fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

......................................

Love these.

Keep 'em coming.
Let's see how long we can keep this going until everyone screams at us to 'fucking stop with the jokes.'

 

[doormouse]

confuscious say:

CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*




(already posted in Wisdom thread, but we need a laugh too )

 

[matriarch]

Nasty Office Pranks - Funny But Could Get You Fired!

1. Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!" They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.

2. Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.

3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!

4. This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.

5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.

6. This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to automatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!

7. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks (or until you think everybody has gotten over their caffeine addiction)and switch to espresso!

8. Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SAND" or something to that effect.

9. Pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.

10. With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.

And finally...

11. Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc. before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.

-----------------

Taking a short break.
I need a ciggie, going out ......*gasp*........in the sunshine !!!

 

[doormouse]

After a few merry drinks at the bar, Jim decides it is time to call it a night. As he goes to stand up, he falls flat on his face. Brushing himself off, he tries to stand up again, only to fall straight back down again.

Thinking to himself that he should really try to drink less, he pulls himself up against the door frame. As he tries to walk out the door, he falls with a thud out onto the street.

Dragging himself along the ground, he finally makes his way home and falls fast asleep on the sofa.

Next morning, he awakes to his wife standing arms crossed in front of her.
"Had a few too many drinks last night did you?" she asked.
"Bob called... you left your wheelchair at the pub again"



*
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
In his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, just go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I cheated on you!"

"I know," Becky whispered as she softly stroked his forehead. "Just let the poison work".

 

[matriarch]

After a few merry drinks at the bar, Jim decides it is time to call it a night. As he goes to stand up, he falls flat on his face. Brushing himself off, he tries to stand up again, only to fall straight back down again.

Thinking to himself that he should really try to drink less, he pulls himself up against the door frame. As he tries to walk out the door, he falls with a thud out onto the street.

Dragging himself along the ground, he finally makes his way home and falls fast asleep on the sofa.

Next morning, he awakes to his wife standing arms crossed in front of her.
"Had a few too many drinks last night did you?" she asked.
"Bob called... you left your wheelchair at the pub again"






*
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
In his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, just go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I cheated on you!"

"I know," Becky whispered as she softly stroked his forehead. "Just let the poison work".

LOL
God, I love a good punch line.

 

[matriarch]

For all the pussies in Lit.........


From a lost chapter in the Book of Genesis:

Adam was walking in the garden and cried out to God, "You used to walk with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonely here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you who will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and wagged its tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And both Man and Dog were very content.

And God was pleased.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was explicitly reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was very pleased.

And Adam was very greatly improved. And Dog was still very happy.

And Cat didn't really give a shit one way or the other.

 

[matriarch]

bumping this one just so's it won't disappear off the front page of threads, and I have to go searching when I want to use it.