This place needs a new fun thread

[matriarch]

Just a thought...

Anyone want to do a chain story, where each author does a paragraph or two and passes it along until the story's done?

I used to do it on Ebay. It was a shit load of fun

Hi Fer,

How about posting the suggestion as a new thread, so everyone can see your suggestion. I'm sure you'd get more takers that way.

Even I might be able to manage a paragraph without too much struiggle.

Go for it.

Mat.

 

[matriarch]

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior's 21 years old now" It's about time we teach him about sex".

Ma said "ya know pa your right".

So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".

so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want".

Pa said "junior it's about time we teach you about sex".

Junior said "sex what's sex".

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma? watch this". So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he’s 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".

Junior says "their teaching me about sex".

Junior's brother says "sex what's sex".

Junior says "see that hole in pa watch this".

LMAO!!!!!!!!!

 

[matriarch]

Cowboys

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"
The woman shakes her head, no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

Heard this before Crim, but the visuals....oh the visuals keep me giggling for ages after I read it.

Ta.
Mat

 

[doormouse]

Heard this before Crim, but the visuals....oh the visuals keep me giggling for ages after I read it.

Ta.
Mat

I'm glad you responded to a few... I was meaning to, but got distracted

Love the girls night out one... fuck I cracked up reading that LOL

 

[matriarch]

Morning DM (7.30 UK time, just for the record)

I think its safe to say that your 'Fun thread' has really taken off. A great resource for humour to be dipped into as and when the mood requires it.

Thanks for starting it, lets see how long we can keep it going.

Current contributors:

Doormouse (Instigator and Founder poster)
Matriarch
Lord DragonsWing
CrimsonMaiden
Dream Keeper
Ferociouskittycat
The Mutt


Mat

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

Low Sperm Count
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" the old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

 

[matriarch]

I'm glad you responded to a few... I was meaning to, but got distracted

*muttering to myself*.....don't ask, Mat....just don't ask....drink your tea, drink you tea......JUST DON'T ASK !!!!

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

 

[doormouse]

Shit, where's that beach?

All we get here are sand crabs

 

[matriarch]

Hell hath no fury


After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........including the curtain rods.

I love a happy ending, don't you???

 

[doormouse]

going to bed.... play nice

bump

 

[Guest]

 

[matriarch]

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[matriarch]

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles. "Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a penis."

 

[matriarch]

Here is a cute article on the gender of the computer .

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine: "house" is feminine - la maison, while "pencil" is masculine - "le crayon".

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review. and,
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. and,
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

 

[Black Tulip]

I am still enjoying the jokes.

Back to lurking.

 

[matriarch]

I am still enjoying the jokes.

Back to lurking.

Hi Litannie , didn't see you there.
How's your day been?

 

[matriarch]

.............and another............



1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.


Mat

 

[doormouse]

[B



10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


Mat [/B]

Done this one could have died from embarassment LOL

 

[doormouse]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the bloke. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

 

[doormouse]

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".

9 . Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10.Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11.Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

13.Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14.Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife

Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word: Today's word is :"OMELETTE" Let us use it in a sentence.

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

 

[doormouse]

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And
I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with
their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene
gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it.
I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT???"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She
explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was
going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I
walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive
outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all
three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth
$200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the
jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one
wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was
testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even
play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.


She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen
her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel
like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went
completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the spring
of 2008 but godammit it was worth it !!!!

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

“My, but you look different today Claudia," commented Rene to her coworker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?"

"No!" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Q: What's the difference between a Boner and a Bonus?
A: There's a good chance your wife's gonna blow the bonus.


A woman is sitting at a bar sees a man coming up to her and since she hasn’t had any action for a long time she decides to go home with him. At his place, he begins to undress; first he takes off his shirt and shows his huge muscles. He says to her, "See this baby? This is a thousands pounds of dynamite." He then takes off his pants and has huge muscular legs. He then says to her, "See this baby? This is a thousand pounds of dynamite." When he takes off his pants she screams, grabs her bag and runs towards the door. Before she can get out he catches her and asks, "what’s wrong baby?" she then says, "with two-thousand pounds of dynamite and such a small fuse I thought you were about to explode!"