This place needs a new fun thread

[matriarch]

Bump............

For when you get up and join us, Doormouse.....


Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again ..

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet...... What could I do????

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.

 

[doormouse]

PMSL!!!

I like it

 

[doormouse]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

 

[doormouse]

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few stories of people who did and do....

1) I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

2) I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3) My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me
forget.

4) While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

5) Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time,"Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

6) This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story...We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

[matriarch]

A final one, before I troop wearily to my bed (its almost 1.30 am here)................



A man went to a urologist and told him he was having a problem, he was unable to get an erection. The doctor checked him out then told him the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing she could do for him.

However, she knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his penis. The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and try out his renovated equipment. So he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the best restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly - and suddenly his penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her
face said, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse!"

 

[matriarch]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

LMFAO !!!!
Love this one.
Perfect for closing the day.

Thanks DM. Have a good evening.

 

[Dream Keeper]

Here's a good joke!

A priest and a nun go out golfing together. The nun decides to start on the first hole, and hits the ball quite nicely, landing the ball on the green. The priest vows to himself to outdo her, and takes his club back for a Monsterous swing. When the priest brings the club down with the swing, he does it so hard, that he misses. Confused, he screams, "Oh Shit, I missed!" The nun turns to him with a look of Astoundment and glares at the priest. "Father," she says. "Do not say that, for God will strike you down." The priest looks down at the ground shamefully and apologizes. He then readys for his next swing telling himself he won't miss. He brings back his club and swings so hard he misses again, and again he yells, "Oh shit, I missed!" The nun is shocked at the priest and Yells, "If you say that one mroe time God will surely strike you down!" The priest apologizes once more, and prepares for his next swing. He takes one last swing and screams as loud as he can, "OH SHIT, I MISSED!!!" Just then, a giant lightning bolt shoots from the sky and strikes the nun dead. With that a booming voice echos from the clouds saying, "Oh shit, I missed!"

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is weak?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation?

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Cowboys

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"
The woman shakes her head, no.
"Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Complain because your husband had been eating your gingernut and jaffa cake body wash.

11. Rinse conditioner off hair.

12. Shave armpits and legs.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower onto a floor towel. Dry with a towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

16. Hang floor towel on side of tub.

17. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.

18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

19. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

14. Pee.

15. Rinse off and get out of shower. (What's a floor towel?)

16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

18. Leave shower curtain open, water on floor, light and fan on.

19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

20. Throw wet towel on bed.

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

Actual Stupid Quotes


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

 

[doormouse]

My kinda woman ;-)

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sittng in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife" The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take you wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow. Then smiled and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma junior's 21 years old now" It's about time we teach him about sex".

Ma said "ya know pa your right".

So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".

so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want".

Pa said "junior it's about time we teach you about sex".

Junior said "sex what's sex".

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma? watch this". So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he’s 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".

Junior says "their teaching me about sex".

Junior's brother says "sex what's sex".

Junior says "see that hole in pa watch this".

 

[Lord DragonsWing]

A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby and asks to buy a chicken.

The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens there. "We say pullets."

Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times."

Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.

The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks."

The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.

A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.

She says, "Sure, what do you need?"

The man replies, "Can you hold my cock and pullet... while I slap my ass?"

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Why I fired my secretary...


Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot
that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast, knowing my wife would
be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.
But she didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started off to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked in the door, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better -- someone had remembered. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." So off we went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had a couple of martinis and enjoyed ourselves tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." I nodded and smiled.. After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and then she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'd like to slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of my closest friends. All were singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat on the couch with nothing on but my socks.

And that is why I fired my secretary.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

signs you're hungover

* You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina
than be exposed to sunlight.
* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue
to tell your room to "Stay still."
* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same
reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
* You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time
with your toilet.
* You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the
more feasible praying in a fetal position.
* The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting,
"Step right up and give it whirl!"
* All day long your motto is, "Never again."
* You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles
around your bed.
* Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

 

[SensualMale]

You guys all go to bed and leave me to fend for myself...

...[/URL]

Says who?

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

The following list of rules apply to each
person as they enter Texas. Know them and learn them.

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look
like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight, it's called a
'gravel road,' I drive a pickup truck because
I need to. No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get out the hell of the way.

3. We have pigs, cattle, and oil wells;
that's what they smell like to you. They
smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't
like it? I-10, I-20,and I-30 go east and
west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar
car. We're real impressed. We have quarter
million dollar cotton strippers that we
drive three weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly. Try to understand
the concept.

6. We all started hunting and fishing when
we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi,"
too. We got over it.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of
doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of
your hand. You better hope you don't have it
up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish, and crawdads. You
really want sushi and caviar? It's available
at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of
deer season. It's a religious holiday held
the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking
about our women will get you jack-slapped, by
our women.

11. We open doors for women. That applies to
everyone regardless of age.

12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the
menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you
can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the
two pounds of ham and turkey.

13. When we fill out a table there are three
main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We
use three spices -- salt, pepper, and Tabasco
Sauce!

14. You bring "coke" into my house it better
be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of
it! You bring "hooch" into my house it better
have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail,
dove, duck, teal, or pheasant. You bring "Mary
Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how
to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a
glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon,
and a long spoon.

16. High school football is as important here
as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site
more fun to watch.

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit into
the water hazards; it spooks the fish.

18. Colleges? Try Texas and Texas A&M. They
come outta there with an education and a love
for God and country, and they wave at passing
pickups when they come home for the holidays.

19. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air
Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess
With Texas," If you do it will get your butt
kicked by the best!

20. Our military is only used as a back up.
Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns
at least two firearms and has taken a NRA
Certified Shooter Education Course.

21. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston
once said, "Texas can make it without the United
States, but the United States can't make it
without Texas. "

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light".

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know you went three red lights in a row...you could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?"

 

[ferociouskittycat]

signs you're hungover

* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.

LOL

Yep, and kids are the demon's spawn themselves

 

[ferociouskittycat]

Just a thought...

Anyone want to do a chain story, where each author does a paragraph or two and passes it along until the story's done?

I used to do it on Ebay. It was a shit load of fun

 

[The Mutt]

Seems Pat and Mike were walking down the road, deep in argument. As they passed a convent, Mike decided to settle things once and for all. Leaving Pat at the roadside, he went to the convent door and knocked. Who should answer but the Mother Superior herself.
"Pardon me, Sister. Could you be answering a question of a religious nature?"
"Certainly, my son."
"Are there any leprechaun nuns?"
"Of course not, my son."
"Do ya mean to say, that in all the convents in all the land, there are no leprechaun nuns?"
"Am I not after sayin that there are no leprechaun nuns?"
"Yes, sister. But can it be that in all the convents in all the world, there are not now, nor never been a leprechaun nun?"
"Be off with ya, foolish man. There are no such thing as leprechauns, so of course there are no leprechaun nuns!"
And she slammed the door. Mike went back to the road and clapped a hand on Pat's shoulder.
"Patty, me boy. It's bad news. You've been fucking a penguin."

 

[matriarch]

Actual Stupid Quotes


Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

Reality is even more stupid that any fiction. Believe it.

LDW, we had an 'actual quotes' thread a while back, and most of these were in it, but there were still one or two I hadn't seen.

I think Quayle and Bush ......or even Bush and Quayle would make a great double act. On the stage I mean, not in politics.

Mat