This place needs a new fun thread

[doormouse]

You guys all go to bed and leave me to fend for myself...

I'm bored. I need some fun.

Here's a pic of my dream man (It's LDW under the microscope)(Did I cover my ass enough?)

http://images5.theimagehosting.com/perfectman.jpg

 

[matriarch]

Morning DM.
I'm still here.
almost 9am in UK, sun's breaking through the mist, going to be a hotttttttttttttt one.

Mat

 

[doormouse]

{{{Hugs}}} mat.

Morning hon.

 

[Kiss Me]

Hi Doormouse, that's one of the joys of the southern hemisphere, they all wake up when we're asleep. If you hang around Lit long enough fun's bound to find you.

 

[matriarch]

Until I've showered and had breakfast the only fun I can provide is............

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter says "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven ".

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was".

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one- how many days in the week begin with the letter "T". Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer" "How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"

"Now ......that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......"

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

Forrest replied, "Andy."

"OK, OK" said a frustrated St. Peter, "I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song....ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN............."

St. Peter opens the gate and says: "RUN FORREST, RUN!"

Are we having fun, yet?????

Mat

 

[doormouse]

PMSL!!

Thanks hon, I needed that

 

[matriarch]

PMSL!!

Thanks hon, I needed that

My pleasure. {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} back.

And for more pleasure (bit coarse, but still funny)...

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

 

[doormouse]

OMG!!

LMFAO!! That one's going in the book!!! LOL

 

[matriarch]

Did you know..??

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!"(

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes ... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing...................)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


Still having fun???

Mat

 

[matriarch]

OMG!!

LMFAO!! That one's going in the book!!! LOL

Oooooh, Doormouse likes 'fart' jokes!!!!!!!

 

[doormouse]

Oooooh, Doormouse likes 'fart' jokes!!!!!!!

LOL

I'm still wondering who was the first person who thought, 'hey, let's see if we can eat that oval thing that came out of the chook's butt!!'

 

[matriarch]

Philosophy of housework..........

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will
slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... they are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.

I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.

I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because .... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because .. I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type"
personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!! ...think I already achieved that one....

Just tell me when you get bored, DM. I can always talk to you about my collection of feathers. Or leaves. Or acorns. Or dried horse-chestnuts.

 

[matriarch]

LOL

I'm still wondering who was the first person who thought, 'hey, let's see if we can eat that oval thing that came out of the chook's butt!!'

..........and who the hell was the first one to grab a cow's teets and think, we can drink this white stuff.........or better still, leave it sitting in heat and we get.......I know, we'll call it cheese ???

*constantly puzzled*

Mat

 

[doormouse]

OMG I'm in tears laughing!!!

I'm going to frame that one.. forget the book LOL!!!!

 

[matriarch]

....still going over here, suns getting hot, I still need to shower and have breakfast, but I'm having fun. Are you?


1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

8. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

9. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

10. He's not dead. He's electronencephalographically challenged.

11. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

12. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.......

13. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

14. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

15. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

16. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

17. Just remember.......if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

18. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

19. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

20. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

21. The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

22. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

23. Shin: a device for finding furniture.

24. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

25. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

---------------

OK, that's it for now.
I need FOOOOODDDDDD.

 

[matriarch]

OMG I'm in tears laughing!!!

I'm going to frame that one.. forget the book LOL!!!!

I live by that one. Ask my kids. Ask my mom. Ask anyone.

(the irony is...... my latest story starts off with the main character.......*gasp*..........ironing !!!)

 

[matriarch]

Over to you now, sweetie,

I need to move my butt into gear. Day's passing me by and I've achieved nothing.

No.
That's wrong.
I made you laugh, that's an achievement of note.



Bye.

Mat

 

[doormouse]

Over to you now, sweetie,

I need to move my butt into gear. Day's passing me by and I've achieved nothing.

No.
That's wrong.
I made you laugh, that's an achievement of note.



Bye.

Mat

24. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Uncle Fred!!!

LOL thanks hon, you've made my night!!

 

[Black Tulip]

Morning Mat, Hai DM,

It's already sizzling over here. 10.52 AM. Sipping my coffee and deciding what really needs to be done. LOL

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

Very, very nice. I noticed before Mat, you're my kind of housekeeper. My excuse always was a lack of time. Single parent with a job and all.

I think nobody believes that anymore.

Sorry, you two, it's too early to be funny. Besides, I'm lousy at telling jokes. I prefer to enjoy them.

 

[doormouse]

Morning Mat, Hai DM,

It's already sizzling over here. 10.52 AM. Sipping my coffee and deciding what really needs to be done. LOL



Very, very nice. I noticed before Mat, you're my kind of housekeeper. My excuse always was a lack of time. Single parent with a job and all.

I think nobody believes that anymore.

Sorry, you two, it's too early to be funny. Besides, I'm lousy at telling jokes. I prefer to enjoy them.

Me too BT, but God I cracked up LOL

 

[Alex De Kok]

I need to move my butt into gear. Day's passing me by and I've achieved nothing.

No.
That's wrong.
I made you laugh, that's an achievement of note.



Bye.

Mat

You made me laugh, too. A bright start to a sticky Saturday morning. Except for the bit about

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

I'm splitting the difference! I'm nominally a leftie, but some things I can only do right-handed . . .

Alex

 

[doormouse]

You made me laugh, too. A bright start to a sticky Saturday morning. Except for the bit about
I'm splitting the difference! I'm nominally a leftie, but some things I can only do right-handed . . .

Alex

http://pics.xs.to/pics/04086/WANKER1.jpg

Use both hands

 

[matriarch]

http://pics.xs.to/pics/04086/WANKER1.jpg

Use both hands

lol

silly pussy........

 

[matriarch]

I know, I know........I have stuff to do and a story to work on, but you guys got me on a roll.........

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't"to know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once- or was it twice?

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The speed of time is one second per second.

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure,how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?



(Some thinking required here....took a while to work out a couple of them. Duhhhhhhhhhh!!)

Mat

 

[matriarch]

You made me laugh, too. A bright start to a sticky Saturday morning. Except for the bit about .............
I'm splitting the difference! I'm nominally a leftie, but some things I can only do right-handed . . .

Alex

Definitely sticky here..........so damn British, we are never satisfied with the weather. Perfect summer....but me, I can't tolerate the heat. Anything over 20C and I'm in wilt-mode.

temperature's climbing so I'm staying indoors, got a story to work on, and some more packing (housemove) to get on with. Maybe a walk along the beach just as the sun goes down. Unfortunately alone.*sigh*.

Enjoy the day.

Mat