Theology for Dummies

[ShortChangeHero]

Whether we are openly religious or even spiritual it's safe to say that we all have deep, burning theological questions. Debate rages regarding this subject. Wars are even fought over the proper interpretation of 3,000 year old texts. But in all this "One God" talk, do you ever hear any answers to the truly important questions?

Questions like:
*After the bears ate the children who made fun of Elisha for being bald, did they in fact shit the said children in the woods?

*What exactly is Vishnu's monthly budget for underarm deodorant?

*Just how does the Pope get his whites so white? Clorox? Calgon? Angle sperm in sensor-shaped tied packets?

Everything you ever wanted to know about religion, but were afraid to ask because you'd burn in Hell! Right here! Right now!


Disclaimer: This should go without saying, but this thread is in no way intended as an open attack on the beliefs of anyone on this board. It's merely a source of humor and lighthearted banter. If you are offended, please go elsewhere, but remember that we mean you no malice. Also, if you do intend to post maliciously in this thread, you can just get the fuck out the door right now.

NOTE: Thanks to subdued_passion for coming up with the idea for this thread.

 

[C5MiGuy]

Where did Cain meet his wife? I mean if there was only 3 other people on the planet after he killed Abel, and he got booted from the garden....

 

[ShortChangeHero]

Where did Cain meet his wife? I mean if there was only 3 other people on the planet after he killed Abel, and he got booted from the garden....

Good question. Did it require another rib? And if it did, what are the mechanics of that? I mean, do you just add water, like those little foam dinosaurs in the plastic pellets? Or is it something you have to tend a bit more like a chia pet?

 

[C5MiGuy]

Well Cain was a plant growing farmer, so I think the Chia Pet route is the most likely answer.

Also, how did Jonah get the smell off him after being inside a fish/whale for three days?

 

[ShortChangeHero]

Well Cain was a plant growing farmer, so I think the Chia Pet route is the most likely answer.

Also, how did Jonah get the smell off him after being inside a fish/whale for three days?

Dawn. Lots and lots of Dawn. Not only does it get rid of the odor it cuts right through the ambergris.

 

[TheMogul40]

Where did Cain meet his wife? I mean if there was only 3 other people on the planet after he killed Abel, and he got booted from the garden....

Perhaps Cain is being confused with Adam?

 

[Midnight_Man]

It's difficult for me to believe anyone can look at the complexity of life and the universe and believe its as simple as the Bible makes it out to be.

 

[C5MiGuy]

It's difficult for me to believe anyone can look at the complexity of life and the universe and believe its as simple as the Bible makes it out to be.

I actually wrote a paper paralleling the Genesis story as a dumbed down version of stellar/planetary formation and evolution. You'd be surprised how close it comes out.

 

[Midnight_Man]

I actually wrote a paper paralleling the Genesis story as a dumbed down version of stellar/planetary formation and evolution. You'd be surprised how close it comes out.

Any way I look at it, it sounds like a fairytale to me.

 

[C5MiGuy]

Any way I look at it, it sounds like a fairytale to me.

Oh I wrote it just to piss off the creationists and atheists. Both of them hated that I was able to tie both versions together.

 

[Midnight_Man]

Oh I wrote it just to piss off the creationists and atheists. Both of them hated that I was able to tie both versions together.

I'm sure you made some people unhappy.

I'm open to letting people believe what they want to, but I can't resist a good debate over religion or politics. It is my personal opinion that all religion is good for is causing wars and unrest. And heated discussions at the Sunday dinner table!

 

[C5MiGuy]

I'm sure you made some people unhappy.

I'm open to letting people believe what they want to, but I can't resist a good debate over religion or politics. It is my personal opinion that all religion is good for is causing wars and unrest. And heated discussions at the Sunday dinner table!

I have no problems with anyone believing what they want. It's when they try and push it as absolute fact, with absolutely no other possiblity, that I take issue with.

Back on topic. When Jesus turned the water into wine was it grape wine? Fig ? Peach? Cherry? White? Red?

 

[Midnight_Man]

I have no problems with anyone believing what they want. It's when they try and push it as absolute fact, with absolutely no other possiblity, that I take issue with.

Back on topic. When Jesus turned the water into wine was it grape wine? Fig ? Peach? Cherry? White? Red?

Being a doubting Thomas (pun intended) do we really know that tis happened? On the other hand maybe a flood washed the local grape crop into the river. I'm going with grape.

 

[Mrtenant]

So does anyone find it mysterious how many parallels one religion and its Bible have in common with others?


The Judeo Christian Bible is filled with parallels from the Sumerians, the Babylonians, the Indians and likely many others. Of course the classics such as Greek and Roman and others that enjoy multigod pantheons can also find suspiciously common stories there as well.

 

[Midnight_Man]

So does anyone find it mysterious how many parallels one religion and its Bible have in common with others?


The Judeo Christian Bible is filled with parallels from the Sumerians, the Babylonians, the Indians and likely many others. Of course the classics such as Greek and Roman and others that enjoy multigod pantheons can also find suspiciously common stories there as well.

I think it's good evidence that religion is a figment of man's imagination. A way to bring joy to some and fear to others.

 

[C5MiGuy]

Being a doubting Thomas (pun intended) do we really know that tis happened? On the other hand maybe a flood washed the local grape crop into the river. I'm going with grape.

I think we have to base it on an assumption that it's an actual account.

Was Jesus a rape baby or was Mary a cheating slut? I mean, the story says that he wasn't Josephs kid. So either she knowingly fucked God outside of marriage, or God raped her. Which is it?

And if Jesus was a rape baby, why is the Catholic church ok with abortions in cases of rape? Should Jesus have been aborted too?

 

[Mrtenant]

Yea, don't think its about Jesus' origins, but more about his message. Used to say the same stuff years ago.



God lives within you, you can be Godly, spiritually inspiring if you allow yourself, love God, and love your neighbors as youself. Everyone's your neighbor. It is simple, really.



the " yea buts" don't mean shit when you or should I say I do the basic message. Do what you will,, done with this thread....peace be with you.

 

[OzoneRed]

If God is all-powerful, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, what does this say about God?

 

[hwwannabe]

If God is all-powerful, and absolute power corrupts absolutely, what does this say about God?

Well, that would certainly explain all the terrible shit that happens all over the world. If one believes in such things, that is.

 

[Cymru6969]

I can't say it any better than George:


http://atheism.about.com/library/quotes/bl_q_GCarlin.htm

 

[cowslinger64]

I firmly believe in God, believe he created the heavens and earth. I've been a Christian all my life. I don't believe that every thing in the Bible is meant to be taken word for word. I do believe that there are a lot of historical events in it. I also believe its a kind of a handbook for us on how to live. I also think that man has put his own touches on the bible, and for that reason I don't think it's meant to be taken literally.

I've never tried to cram my beliefs down anyones throat. I do think we're all gonna find out one day who was wrong, and I'd hate to be on the losing end of that...especially for those that don't believe in God.

Imo, there is higher power. I've had things happen in my life that only a higher power could have controlled. I should be dead actually. So scoff all ya like, theres more to it than just us. I'm sure of that.

 

[subdued_passion]

We're all going to hell anyway...

So why not suck up to Satan before we get there.

This was the argument I made before ShortChangeHero, when I suggested that he start such a thread.

I think we have to base it on an assumption that it's an actual account.

Was Jesus a rape baby or was Mary a cheating slut? I mean, the story says that he wasn't Josephs kid. So either she knowingly fucked God outside of marriage, or God raped her. Which is it?

And if Jesus was a rape baby, why is the Catholic church ok with abortions in cases of rape? Should Jesus have been aborted too?

^^^you there, can you please put in a good word for us with the horny one, since it looks like you'll be getting there ahead of some of us.

 

[subdued_passion]

My way of marrying creationism with evolution.


http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=47173510&postcount=698

 

[C5MiGuy]

So why not suck up to Satan before we get there.

This was the argument I made before ShortChangeHero, when I suggested that he start such a thread.






^^^you there, can you please put in a good word for us with the horny one, since it looks like you'll be getting there ahead of some of us.

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints."

 

[LiFeNdEaTh]

lol @ the thread title..