The newest addition to my workplace...

[Chicklet]

A new chef started working with me in the last couple weeks. My first impressions were not comfortable ones...he mumbles to himself and to other people so you can't hear what he's saying, and, well, basically he's overall creeeeepy. He makes my flesh tingle...I hate to dislike someone so instantly, but I really don't like this guy. His aura is just...well...wrong.

My friend approached me and we were sort of talking about how we didn't like this guy, and she revealed to me some of the stuff he'd told her. He said he didn't believe in monogomy and he had quite a few girlfriends, and that those girlfriends liked to be disciplined.

So, this new guy went into this whole speel about D/s that my friend just doesn't get at all, and basically he freaked her out. He made a reference to prostitutes, he says he only sleeps once every three days, and then he went over the edge and said that the movie The Pirates Of The Caribbean was better than the movie The Princess Bride.

I'm so creeped out by this guy. If he's into BDSM (which from what he's said, if he is, he's not doing in in R/L and wouldn't do it well if he could) then I would think he would have been able to practice a little more control in letting my innocent vanilla friend know all about it. He's going way over the top with his creepy behavior.

I don't know what to tell my boss without getting this guy in big trouble. I have told this guy that he is making people uncomfortable, but he doesn't seem to care.

Opinions, gang?

-Chicklet

 

[His_sugar]

I have always followed the policy "You don't have to like everyone you work with, but can co-exist".

I tend to believe everyone has a right to be as odd as they want to be, within the confines of the law. If he isn't breaking work policy, snitching might just turn out to come back on you from your boss.

Just my two cents..

 

[shaymless]

from an HR standpoint

So...my first official post is not bdsm-related, but work-related. Oops.

From a human resources standpoint, everyone has the right to work in a non-threatening, professional environment. Even if something doesn't fall under the legal definition of harassment, it needs to be addressed, and quickly, so that it doesn't become a legal issue.

You don't get people into trouble, people get themselves into trouble by making poor choices. I would encourage your friend to document for herself all of the conversation she has had with this man. I would also encourage someone to say something to your boss...if the inappropriate language was not heard by you specifically, then your friend should speak to your boss. People being weird is not harassment, people discussing their sexual preferences and making others uncomfortable with it is. Your friend (and you and whomever else) also need to state clearly to this person that such topics of conversation are unwelcome.

There are also non-retaliation laws, so legally nothing can come back to bite you in the butt for making a complaint.

When having conversation with your boss, be factual and be specific and as non-emotional as possible. "He gives me the creeps just because he likes x movie over y movie" is not enough. "On this date, he stated that he uses prostitutes on a regular basis and I find such conversation offensive" works better.

And document. Document. Document.


Contact your local EEOC office with any questions you might have.
They would much rather help you resolve an issue than go through an expensive investigation.

Hope this helps
~shay

 

[Chicklet]

I have always followed the policy "You don't have to like everyone you work with, but can co-exist".

I agree with this little policy.

My problem is that this guy really, really makes me uncomfortable.

Another friend I work with who also finds this guy creepy said to me "I don't think he's the kind of guy that molests children or anything" to which I replied "Well I'm not a child."

 

[bunny bondage]

ok, making you uncomfortable to this extent in the workplace just won't do. i agree that the friend who actually got the sex speech should go to the boss. if said boss still refuses to take action, then it's time to just start being mean about it. if he's going to be creepy and anti-social, fine, don't play with him. don't even let him near your sandbox. just tell him that he's not allowed.

 

[Daedalus77]

Chicklet it seems the problem is that you have nothing to go to your boss with. From what you have said you have a bad gut reaction but creepy guy hasn't done anything to you. When a person is fired your boss will have to prove he had just cause or face lawsuits or pay his unemployment pay. Gut reactions are valid but it is hard for your boss to do anything with just that to go on. Also, what a coworker tells you is just a rumour to the boss.

Shaymless is right that you need to document what happens to you and encourage others to do the same. Give your boss some hard facts to work with so the he has the legal legs to stand on to fire this guy.

 

[Goddess Helena]

I agree with shaymless and Daedalus77. Documenting is going to help you a great deal. Also unless you work in the sex trade, it is inappropriate to discuss your sex life with the co-workers.


Helena

 

[Impish]

I want to add one thing...

While I can't give you specific advice... trust your gut instinct. Be careful and cautious - trust what your instincts are saying - even if you can't do anything specifically at this point. Stay on the alert. xo.

 

[FungiUg]

He does sound creepy.

Unfortunately, it's possible to be into BDSM in real life, and still be creepy. I met a few creepy guys at the play party I went to last year here in Auckland. Scary!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Re: I want to add one thing...

While I can't give you specific advice... trust your gut instinct. Be careful and cautious - trust what your instincts are saying - even if you can't do anything specifically at this point. Stay on the alert. xo.

I have to agree with this and if the way you are feeling is the reality, there is a reason to listen. You don't come across as someone who is prone to react out of pure personal dislike, nor does your description of your feelings sound that way so I am concerned for your welfare and others who work there at the least. BDSM and his conversation with your firend aside, it is the things you sense which are important. If there is something questionable about him and his behaviour, it is not a BDSM related problem necessarily as you picked up on it before this conversation I gather (so rule that connection out as it can cloud your vision in assessing where your feelings are coming from)....many people can say they do without actually doing, or doing in a way we recognise as ethical in the lifestyle.

I would try to focus on what is making you feel uncomfortable and not that he says he is in the lifestyle. It is important. I have mentioned the book 'The Gift Of Fear' by Gavin be Becker here before (and no, I don't get commission or even know the author personally, but is an excellent book), and he outlines how people he has spoken with after a crime have mentioned first that they can't believe what has happened, but as the talking progresses they begin to mention things they noticed, 'funny' feelings they had, but suppressed as we are socialised to do.

Intuition is seen as intangible, so therefore, inconsequential, and yet as he notes, humans, the so-called most intelligent, are the only animal that have worked to eradicate this survival skill from their daily life. He looks at the things you see which make you seem uncomfortable, but you do not know until too late because you suppress immediately and therefore do not recognise the specifics until much later. Sort of like when you say you can't put your finger on what it is. His argument is you can if you stop and examine the situation piece by piece and open your self to listen to your instincts. Take care.

Catalina

edited to add: I would not necessarily advise going to your boss or taking harrassment steps within the workplace as you do not know what you are dealing with at this point, and from what you say, harrassment is likely the least problem, and as far as the boss is concerned, most likely your feelings would not be enough for them to act on even if they wanted to take it seriously. The result could be disatrous or deadly if there is something seriously wrong with this person and they learned of any steps to try and have them reprimanded or removed.

 

[Daedalus77]

Hmmm

Just curious if there any new developments?

 

[Jeepraven]

Chicklet it seems the problem is that you have nothing to go to your boss with. From what you have said you have a bad gut reaction but creepy guy hasn't done anything to you. When a person is fired your boss will have to prove he had just cause or face lawsuits or pay his unemployment pay. Gut reactions are valid but it is hard for your boss to do anything with just that to go on. Also, what a coworker tells you is just a rumour to the boss.

Shaymless is right that you need to document what happens to you and encourage others to do the same. Give your boss some hard facts to work with so the he has the legal legs to stand on to fire this guy.

If he just started, your boss does not have to give him a reason if it's within 3 months at some places (usually a probation period when hired), depending on your work's policy. I agree with what everyone else is saying, your friend is the only one that can report it.

He sounds like someone that doesn't fit in at your work and he'll probably quit after he realises this. Do the men at your work get the creepy vibe from him or just the women? Maybe he's just a moron that doesn't know how to act in an acceptable way with women. That could be a reason why the mo mo needs to buy sex from prostitutes.

 

[Master_Vassago]

I once worked with a woman like this . Wait it's still a bad thing when the woman is psycho. Actually she was a big druggie and drinker and to put it nicely a slut...this woman couldn't keep her legs together even if we had superglued them. Also the bad thing was she screwed up all the time and was a manager and liked to steal amongst other things...

Jeep, I know you know who I am talking about.

 

[Jeepraven]

Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
LOL
I'd forgotten all about her.