The Literotica Comedy Club

[whatageek]

Got something funny to say? Say it here! Or a link to something funny...a story...whatever! If it's funny...let 'er rip! (and don't take that too literally!)

Only one thing in the world better than a good laugh...and we all know what that is!

I have this video clip from Who's Line Is It Anyway? that just had me ROTFLMAO! So I'll start this off with that:

http://misterbill.homeip.net/misc/funnywhosline.wmv


NEXT!

 

[BeachGurl2]

Me, next!

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends."

 

[keiffers]

Donkey

Ok I'll give it a shot


> A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and

on being told that

> there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to

purchase one and enter it

> in the races. However at the local auction, the

going price for horses

> was so high that he ended up buying a donkey

instead. He figured that

> since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter

it in the races. To

> his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next

day the local paper

> carried this headline:
>
> PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
>
> The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he

entered it in the race

> again, and this time it won. The paper read:
>
> PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
>
> The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity

that he ordered the

> preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The paper headline

> read:
>
> BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
>
> This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the

preacher to get rid of

> the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a

nun in a nearby convent.

> The paper headline the next day read:
>
> NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
>
> The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she

would have to get rid of

> the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

Next day the headline

> read:
>
> NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
>
> This was too much for the Bishop , so he ordered the

nun to buy back the

> donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run

wild and free. Next day,

> the headline in the paper read:
>
> NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
>
> The Bishop was buried the next day.

 

[whatageek]

HAHAHAH! LMAO BG & Kieffers!


Cats....will just sleep ANYWHERE!

http://photos7.flickr.com/6730511_c81bcff187.jpg


http://photos8.flickr.com/6727519_1746ec0707.jpg

 

[BeachGurl2]

Love those pics, Geek. Too funny.

 

[~Coquette~]

Those pics are super cute and funny...

 

[whatageek]

hehehe Thanks!

Hopefully this thread will see some action and we'll all have some good laughs!

 

[whatageek]

this is a good one...

This is a REAL speed-limit sign near my house:

http://misterbill.homeip.net/misc/spdlmt.jpg

 

[krazeekat]

Bloodninja : Wanna cyber?
MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables?
Bloodninja : What like gardening?
MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that.
Bloodninja : Nuthin turns me on more, check this out
Bloodninja : You bend over to harvest your radishes.
(pause)
MommyMelissa: is that it?
Bloodninja : You water your tomato patch.
Bloodninja : Are you ready for my fresh produce?
MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables… Can you make it a little more sexy for me?
(pause)
Bloodninja : I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach… Sexily.
Bloodninja : I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains.
MommyMelissa: Grain doesn’t really turn me on… I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis.
Bloodninja : My zucchinis caresses your carrots.
Bloodninja : Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT.
MommyMelissa: …….
Bloodninja : My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.
MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? I’m outta here.
Bloodninja : Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can’t see shit.
MommyMelissa: Whatever.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during this exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
And the best one of all...
12. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

 

[keiffers]

Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,

"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says,

"I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.

"Holy smoke !" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks,"Then answer this.....How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing - but since you asked, I wrap my 'dickie around this wooden bar like a

little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?" The guy buys the parrot and takes it home.

A couple of days later he comes home and asked the parrot what had been happening today.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going

down..

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

 

[keiffers]

oldie but goodie

http://sherm.20megsfree.com/burgerking.swf

 

[whatageek]

<taking notes on how NOT to do sexy veggie talk>

Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there

http://misterbill.homeip.net/misc/smileys/laugh.gif


Kieffers...as an owner of 4 parrots...I was LMAO @ that one!



Thanks for the early morning laughs everyone!

 

[keiffers]

<taking notes on how NOT to do sexy veggie talk>




http://misterbill.homeip.net/misc/smileys/laugh.gif


Kieffers...as an owner of 4 parrots...I was LMAO @ that one!



Thanks for the early morning laughs everyone!

I have more where that came from - what sucks is that i had ALOT in my archives at work, but had to get rid of them when I got laid off - corp america sucks donkey nuts

 

[BeachGurl2]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar that had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer."

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"

"Will that make me a better gunfighter," asked the young fellow?

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the young cowboy "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer. "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

 

[Stryderthorongil]

Something to think about as the holiday season approaches:


REMEMBER, things COULD BE WORSE. You could:

-wake up face down on the pavement.

-put your bra on backward and it fits better.

-call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

-see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

-see your birthday cake collapse from the weight of the candles.

-have your son tell you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

-turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

-have your twin sister forget your birthday.

-wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize that you don't have a waterbed.

-have your car horn go off accidentally and remain stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

-have your boss tell you not to bother to take off your coat.

-realize that the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

-walk to work and find your dress is stuck in back of your pantyhose.

-call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.

-have your blind date turn out to be your ex-wife.

-put both contact lenses in the same eye.

 

[whatageek]

have your boss tell you not to bother to take off your coat

That's happened to me!

 

[keiffers]

Tech Support

> Dear Tech Support:
>
> Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
> the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
> space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the
> product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
> programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors
> all other system activity.
>
> Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Fishing 7.5, and
> Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I
> can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my
> favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but
> the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!!
>
>
> THE REPLY:
>
> Dear Troubled User:
>
> This is due to a very common problem that generates many complaints. It is
> due to a primary misconception generally by male users. Many people
upgrade
> from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a "Utilities
and
> Entertainment program".
> Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run
> everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to
> Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
> emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.
> It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the
> system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife
> 1.0 is designed to disallow this.
> Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems
> than in the original sys tem. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
"Warnings -
> Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on
> improving the situation.
> I suggest installing the background application C:\YES DEAR to alleviate
> software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest
> that you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults
> (GPFs)." You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems
> that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF's are
> cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
> Avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to
give
> the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return too normal anyway.
> Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
> Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
> Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2.
You
> must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use
> will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens,
> the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
> additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this
> happen.
> WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt
> 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
> irreversible damage to the operating system.
>

 

[turboguy]

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

 

[whatageek]

Keiffers...one of my favorites! That one's a hoot!

TG...LMAO!

An Email I got today:


A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway , pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly speedster as he floored it to 100mph, then 120, then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing?
I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

 

[BeachGurl2]

Great Bumper Stickers:

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost,
But Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hutt?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heart Attacks .. God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired
From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A Blond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THE GREATEST BUMPER STICKER EVER :

"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED,
AND FOR THE SAME REASON"

 

[JInCT]

take my wife...please.

two peanuts were walking late one night in a bad section of town and one was assaulted.

Man1: My dog has no nose
Man2: How does he smell?
Man1: Awful!

 

[whatageek]

All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.

Oh I MUST have this on a T-shirt! HAHAH!

 

[BeachGurl2]

Great Bumper Stickers:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This one is my fave.

 

[agent2407]

African Grey Parrot

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful
bird and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F*** me!, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying
not to laugh.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un-f***king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes," says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

"F***king in-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but
the same old clients .... How ya doing, Dave?"

Silence..................................